Back To Back, Foo'

Monday

Nationals over PADRES. Jake Peavy at home is tough to go against, but John Patterson is better then he's shown, and a 13-12 team should not be getting this kind of moneyline against anyone. 1,500 to win 3,660 on today's biggest dog, the Nats.

Rangers over JAYS. Here's another .500 team throwing an ace at home to a big moneyline. This time, I like Vincente Padilla to turn around his 0-3 ways against Roy Halladay. 1,500 to win 2,775 on the Rangers.

Ed. Note: 1-1, with the Nats win pushing us up $2K. Let the profitable mediocrity swell over you.

Tuesday

A's over RED SOX. Cupcakes Blanton has a good track record against the Sox, and Big Schill hasn't felt so fresh in 4 of his last 5 starts against the Green and Gold. The moneyline sells me -- 1,500 to win 2,370.

RANGERS over Yanks. Kameron Loe has a live arm and the home field, but this is more of a vote of no confidence in Phil Hughes and the Yanks long pen. The over of 11 had me tempted as well, but it's a little too much. The Ranger bullpen gets the win. 1,500 to win 2,040 on the Rangers.

Ed Note: Up for the A's, down for the Rangers, now 2-2 and up $3K for the week. Doing well for the season by now, really.

Wednesday

Marlins over METS. Anibal Sanchez has two very good starts against the Mets on his record, and he's opposed by the always entertaining Oliver Perez. 2,000 to win 3,060 on the Fish.

A's over RED SOX. Going again with the road team, after tonight's Papelblowup. Chad Gaudin has no pedigree, but he's been terrific this year, maybe even the team's best. He's opposed by Josh Beckett, who's due for some trouble and has a 1-2 lifetime record against Oakland. 2,000 to win 3,520 on the A's.

Ed Note: Woof. 2-4, down $1K for the week.

Thursday

Mariners over RED SOX. Am I the only one to notice that Dice-K is just a guy with a 4.4 ERA? Sure, he's good, sure, they should be favored... but this moneyline is off the charts. 2,500 to win 5,000 on Horacio Ramirez and the M's.

Jays over INDIANS. Cliff Lee vs.Dustin McGowan in the first start of the year for both looks to me to be a bullpen fest / toss-up kind of game, but the moneyline doesn't reflect it. 2,500 to win 3,800 on the Jays.

GIANTS over Phillies. Both teams have been frisky lately, but I'm going to take the home favorites here, because Matt Cain is that good, and Adam Eaton is that bad. 2,500 to win 1,812 on the G-Men.

Ed. Note: Good grief. Three one-run losses drops us to 2-7 for the week. Smoke Stewart, why hast thou forsaken me?

Friday:

Nats over CUBS. The Cubs are 12-14 with a 4-9 home record, and are starting a SP that has an ERA that's 2X higher than his opponent. I know Carlos Zambrano is a name, Jason Bergmann is not, and the Nats stink... but the Cubs are not a world-beater, so this moneyline doesn't make sense to me. 2,250 to win 4,658 on the road Nats.

Mariners over YANKEES. You'd never guess, from this moneyline, that the Mariners were over .500 and starting an Asian SP (Baek) with the lower ERA. Kei Igawa is probably trying to stay in the rotation with this start, but his 7+ ERA makes me go for this moneyline. 2,250 to win 3,825 on the road Mariners.

Ed Note: The Nats fail to hold the early lead in Chicago, but the Ms win a slugfest in NY. 3-8 for the week, down $7K, $32K behind the leaders. Who knew gambling could have such heartbreak?

Saturday

Today, I'm going back to the same bad well with the Nats' John Patterson against the Cubs' Rich Hill in Chicago. Patterson beat Jake Peavy in his last start in San Diego, and Hill's 1.77 ERA is bound for some correction. 3,500 to win 6,860 on the road Nats.

After last night's 14-11 loss, how are the Yankees a prohibitive moneyline favorite today against the Mariners? Jeff Weaver vs. Chien Ming Wang, that's how -- but Wang hasn't been lights out yet, and you have to expect Weaver to throw a decent start once every 10 games, right? Well, no, but in another slugfest, I like the Mariner bully more than the Yanks' right now. 3,500 to win 8,925 on the road Ms.

Sunday: Woof, woof, woof. 3-10 for the week, and looking foward to retiring Mr. T. I'm pissing away the last of my bankroll with the White Sox on the road against the Angels, just because I liek Buehrle this year and don't believe in Shrek Colon. You are encouraged to go the other way, of course. 1.105 to win 1,400.

FTT Saves You 5K Future Words From Bill Simmons

All of my friends agree -- what a great ballsy trade the Patriots made for Randy Moss!

He's going to be Rejuvenated!

Sure, I'm disturbed by the off-field stuff and the on-field stff, but Bellichick would never roll the dice on a guy he wasn't sure of!

Joe Buck hates him, so this makes the Patriots cool!

No matter what, less Reche Caldwell in my life is a good thing!

This is nothing like when the Eagles traded for Terrell Owens!

Update -- Our apologies. It was 1,424 words.

10-9 Never Tasted So Good

Having won over $24,000 in fake bucks this week, and thrown the rest of the Sports Blog World to the curb (well, OK, the other dozen people picking), it's time for y'all to give me some love. Or lighters. Or just sing along.

And on the off chance that Dave Stewart reads this, that interview at the end of the year for the contest winner? Let's just book it now, Smoke. You know you want it.

I'd like to thank the sportsbook public for making the reeling Yankees a ridiculous money line favorite today. Today, I feel luckier than Lou Gehrig.

We Should All Find Opportunities So Abundant

Today, the Detroit Lions drafted a wide receiver in the first round for the fourth time in five years.

The team's record under GM Matt Millen is 24-72, the worst record in the NFL in that span, and the second-worst span in NFL history, behind only the expansion years for the Tampa Bay Bucs.

After the pick, Millen said -- and we are not making this up:

"Calvin Johnson is going to team with the rest of this offense and turn it into one of the most dynamic offenses in this league. I firmly believe that. You can scoff at it if you like. I really don't care, because I think it's going to happen."

For the benefit the 28 remaining Lions fans that Millen hasn't killed, here's the FTT Top 10 list of things you can hope for this year. If any of them happen, Matt Millen could (note: *could*) actually be fired.

10. Found in bed with a live boy or a dead girl

9. Gives money to Dennis Kucinich

8. Comes out in favor of gay marriage - mandatory gay mariage

7. Media discovers the missing Iraq WMDs in the trunk of his car -- and it's a Toyota

6. Changes his name and gender to Ernestine P. Muff-Diver (and pronounces the last part "de-vay")

5. Hires coaches who go through fast-food drive ins in the nude -- oh, wait, this one already happened last year

4. Harvests the organs of season ticket holders who wear those Fire Millen bags

3. Pulls off a mask to reveal that he has been Wayne Fontes for all this time, and he's also been on the Bears payroll

2. Live coprophilia display during annual Thanksgiving Day loss

1. Let's just say this -- it involves a shaved gerbil, Vaseline, and Richard Gere

Your Sports Round-Up, With A Disturbing Amount of WNBA-Ish News

> A WNBA player was arrested in Jerusalem for assault after punching an opponent in a parking lot after a game.

One more step in the Glorious Road Towards Complete Equality!... but I, for one, won't be able to take the WNBA seriously until someone starts waving some guns around. This parking lot stuff sounds more like something Bob Pettit would do to George Mikan. (FTT's going the extra historical mile today.)

> Curt Schilling, aka Bloggy McBloggermouth, is now putting up one million dollars, with one pinky in his mouth, to say that The Bloody Sock Was Actually His Blood.

Two quick points on the Sock of Turin:

1) Of course it's your blood, you big girl. Cutting yourself, or having a a difficult menses, would get you what you needed to be The Pitching Roy Hobbs.

2) Speaking for the millions of non-Sox non-Yankee MLB fans that the World Wide Lemur barely seems to know exist...

We Don't Care Now.

We Didn't Care Then.

Get Over Yourself.

> Clemens Is Undecided.

Once more with feeling... Sometimes, we wonder what it's like in Roger's World -- a magical place where the planet's 8 billion humans all melt away as colorful background to the Glory That Is Roger. On some level, it's very much like Brett Favre World. (Countdown to the next Retirement Story: 21 Days!)

We're with Smoke Stewart on this one -- Clemens is a money-hungry pussy who costs whatever team hires him by not showing up for the first half of the season. By doing this, he manages to keep the Roid Rumors to a minimum and prevents throwing enough innings to wear down / get hurt / be exposed.

And we will be reading this story for another five years.

> The Sonics want to do Vegas.

Please, someone, just move a team there, so we can stop reading this story every six months. In the last 5 years, we've seen the A's, Sonics, Expos, Twins, Cardinals, Raiders... all go to Sin City.
Someone will eventually, so just be done with it. When we were kids, this was Phoenix and various cities in Florida. Move or Don't. We all have satellites and cable now, and every game ticket costs so much, you're not going to that many games anyway. It doesn't matter that much.

Our favorite part about this story is that news outlets feel compelled to tell us that the Sonics owner also has the Seattle Storm in his possession. OK, Seattle fans... now you've *got* to take this seriously. It's one thing if the Sonics go, but NOT THE STORM!

> Kobe scores 45, Lakers win.

You know, Phil Jackson likes to say that the playoffs don't really begin until the home team loses a game.

Which goes to prove that either:

1) Phil is a fucking idiot

2) Any series that goes seven with the home team winning every game... NEVER REALLY HAPPENED. Cardinals fans -- you need to replay your mid-80s loss to the Twins right now.

I think I just blew my own mind. Strangely unsatisfying, really.

In another great moment for the species...

ESPN will expand its coverage of the $50,000 H.O.R.S.E. tournament at the 2006 "World Series of Poker," expanding its time from two one-hour episodes to six.

- Casino City Times

In other news, your gutters need cleaning, and someone really should wax the cat.

* * * * *

Update -- CNet reports that Congressman Barney Frank (D-NY) has introduced legislation to repeal the six-month old Republican ban on online gambling. "The existing legislation is an inappropriate interference on the personal freedom of Americans and this interference should be undone," Frank said.

The political counter to this, of course, will be to point out that Barney Frank is gay. (FTT apologizes for this unseemly divergence into the world of politics. We now return you to your regularly scheduled timewaste.)

Groundhog Day

Mark Prior out for the remainder of the season. You may now return to regulary scheduled Cubs follies.

Update: Successful surgery - Prior should be back next year for another DL stint. Cubs fan know the drill: Lather, rinse, repeat.

Five Giant Head Moments

> Barry Bonds says he wants A-Rod to break his records.

As one more piece in the puzzle that is the ragingly unlikable depresive that is The Giant Head, that's amusing.

But here's the fun part... earlier today, the quote was "Do your damn thing." Now, it's just "Do your thing."

Insert your favorite conspiracy theory here for the Loss Of Damn.

> Larry Brown to interview with the Grizz.

Because killing Jerry West's reputation wasn't enough? The Grizz is becoming the Reno of NBA legends -- the place you go when your act just won't play in Vegas no more. Stop by the keno tables and get in early for the buffet, Larry.

> I win big on a 4-run 9th inning from the Fish.

Tim Hudson had 12 Ks and no walks, but ran out of gas in the ninth, then watched Bob Wickman blow chunks all over the field. You have to love baseball bets. It's the law.

> Big Stein spend another day in last place.

Today's rainout ensures it. We're still thinking this is another Lucy With The Football April, but doesn't the possibility of Big Stein's team being an also-ran just make you feel all tingly? Now, if only Boston could fall apart too, causing The World Wide Lemur to declare an early end to the season. Go Jays!

> The NFL Draft Is Coming!

The worst 600 hours of sports coverage ever, or the perfect cure for a terminal illness, because it will make the victims feel like they've had time enough to spare? It's actually both!

Oh, the drama! Will Matt Millen blow the pick? Will Jets Fans cry like infants with ear infections? will Mel Kiper Jr. make us ashamed to be mammals, because that's more in common with him then we'd want? And will we volunteer to clean gutters rather than watch? Yes, Yes, YES!

Bow Down Before Us, Jor-Reader

Sharp-eyed reader(s) will notice some Technorati added to the right-hand column. It's all part of our vast plan to conquer Antarctica -- and after that, THE WORLD! -- with the FTT Media Empire.

Oh, and you can also now get our stuff on your feed-enabled home page, or maybe even in your e-mail inbox, because, as we all know, you're just too goddamned lazy to type in the URL or put us in your bookmarks. You make us sick, you know that? When I think of all of the time and money that your mother and I have wasted... wasted!... on you and your... well, anyway.

Try 'em, discover they don't work, complain to us, then tell your friends. (You don't have friends? Well, go out and get some, goddamit! It's a beautiful day outside! When I was your age...)

Stinkapalooza

I can always tell when May is right around the corner. The weather is finally getting nice, trees are blooming, the Cubs are already in last place and either Wood or Prior is going under the knife. I’d like to apologize to everyone living outside of Chicago – that smell coming from my town is the Cubs. Being a Cards fan, it’s like Christmas everyday in Chicago during baseball season. This team invents new ways to lose every time I watch them.

When the season began I pointed out reasons why the Cubs would suck once again. I was wrong on Lou waiting 20 games before he had a melt down. It took 9. When Lou was last seen last night he was screaming at someone in his office. My guess is it was a mirror and he was wondering why the hell he took the job.

Soriano has 1 RBI and 0 HRs. But don’t worry Cub fans, it’s early. I’m sure the 7 year contract will work out well. And don’t worry about the power numbers – he does have a .305 OBP leading off.

Big Z. Isn’t it strange how his contract extension that was going to be announced the first week of the season has disappeared completely? I’m sure Big Z doesn’t mind and isn’t at all distracted. That 6.91 ERA has nothing to do with it. I hate to see poor results happen to such a classy guy.

I went to Wrigley this past weekend to watch the Cards take 2 of 3 from the Cubs. I was blown away by the excitement all the Cubs fans had about Felix Pie (pronounced P-Ay). True, it looks like he is going to be great in the outfield. But I don’t think this guy could get a hit off the Georgia Peaches. He’s batting .200 in the bigs but you think the Cubs fans were engraving him a plaque for Cooperstown. This is it? This is all the Cubs have to feel good about? And I had to hear about him for hours while sitting in the bleachers?

It reminded me of a buddy of mine from college. Not the best looking or coolest guy in the world. Never had any luck with the ladies. One night he finally hooked up with a Houdini (that’s what we called girls with large butts who always tied a shirt or sweatshirt around their waste – trying to make the fat disappear) after a few beers. All he could talk about the next day was the lines he was using and how he was in the zone. After a couple hours of hearing about his great night and how hot this chick was, my buddy Bake finally said “Dude, she was mediocre looking at best, not funny and had terrible breath. Stop making her out to be Miss America because you’re just embarrassing yourself.” I could have used Bake this weekend to tell the Cubs fans that what they have here in Pie is just a Houdini. No more, no less.

But let’s get back to the most important matter in anything. The money trail. $300 million spent in the off season and the Cubs who finished with the worst record in the NL last season have used that money to improve the team. They now have the second worst record in the NL. Money well spent Cubs. Man, it’s great to be a Cards fan in Chicago.

Update: Prior done for the year. Just like the Cubs.

OOOH, It's A Free For All!

Actual news item after check marks.

Actual FTT Snarkiness, not. (And yes, that is The Nuge, back when it was about the music, not the killing.)

> Interpublic has signed a deal with TiVo Stop Watch that will give it access to the most granular ratings possible: second-by-second.

1) When will we go to the two-way camera, so the rating info can check to see if I'm taking the Browns to the Super Bowl? Or -- gasp! -- just not paying attention, probably because I'm using a laptop?

2) Does this also mean that we can impact sports coverage by fast-forwarding past certain players? "I'm sorry, Smush Parker, but you just don't test well. We're going to have to replace you with Scottie Pippen." (Like the Zen Prick isn't just begging for an excuse.)

> Nuggets beat Spurs.

Unlike the Warriors-Mavs series where everyone was biting on the dog, I was more than tempted to go with Denver here; Bruce Bowen and Tim Duncan have a lot of wear on the tires, and in a whistle-happy playoff basketball environment, AI and Melo can get to the line 30 times a game.

But at the end of the day, I just can't see Furious George on the winning side of a 1 vs. 8 series, and Nene looking like a good contract.

As Kent Brockman says, "Time will tell."

> New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady is the celebrity face of Stetson fragrances, signing a two-year-plus deal to be the brand's spokesperson and appear in a new campaign... "His allure extends off the football field, and he is widely known for his distinctive masculinity and irresistible character," notes (Stetson) Chief Executive Officer Bernd Beetz. TV spots will hit the air in September...

1) This is my early candidate for the "Our Country" gouge-your-eyes-out ad buy of the upcoming NFL season, though it's hard to imagine Stetson has the bankroll to go into heavy rotation.

2) Trying to get in the head of the ad agency on this one... Because nothing quite smells like a rugged and quiet Western gentleman than... peaking too soon, making season-ending mistakes, and impregnating multiple people you are not married to? (Why yes, still bitter about the Eagles losing in the SB. Why do you ask?)

3) At least, we suppose, that proves to Stetson that Brady is straight, unlike the majority of NFL QBs. Not that there's anything wrong with that!

(Oh, you didn't know? Well, we won't be so tacky as to name names.)

> NBC has cut a deal with U.S. Figure Skating... covering the organization's championships for the next three years. The pact includes Saturday night prime-time coverage of the women's free skate competition... The format has been remade for TV, with all finals on weekends and aired live, but with none scheduled opposite pro football. NBC Sports & Olympics Chairman Dick Ebersol says the deal is "almost like creating [a] final four of figure skating."

Um, No. The Final Four involves a lot of betting, underdogs from nowhere, compelling drama where the winners and the losers are clearly delineated, and an outpouring of joy from a shared community of fans.

What you have is Stupid Human Tricks on Ice, performed by people who have devoted their lives to a pursuit that is neither Art nor Sport, with no real surprises. Sports have scoreboards, not judges. In Sports, you don't have to be pretty to win. Art occurs between frames, not hockey rink boards.

I have no doubt that people will watch, and no problem that people will watch. But this is Not Sports. Stop selling it as what it is not.

> Topps, fresh off 15% deficits, is looking to (a) take a $385 million bid to take the company private, and (b) introduce interactive cards, which use CD-ROM and RFID tech to have cards battle opponents on television screens, like in video games.

We're going out on a limb here.., if you are spending a lot of money on these things, you might want to consider a Life Upgrade. Suggestions involve traveling to other countries, reading more books, purchasing actual art, dining on better food, etc. Life is too short to spend all of it in adolescence.

But anyway... those Darn Kids stop buying cards and get into the Pokemon and the Bukkake and the YouTubing. So now cards will have to get all souped-up and even more stupid?

We're down, but only if this can somehow mutate into the cards letting us create Revisionist History Moments. When my '93 Mitch Williams shuts down the Jays, and the Blue Snow Phils win the Series, only then will the scars heal. Or, um, not.

> HBO in talks with Ultimate Fighting Championship

Once again, FTT predicts the future! (Link) Now, all we need is for the cable giant to demand fewer fights, with more hype, and painful announcing. We'll take care of this popularity problem fast!

No time for jibber jabber

Indians over TWINS. Sowers is better than he's let on, Carlos Silva is worse, and the money line on this looks haywire to me. 2,500 to win 5,050.

Yanks over D-RAYS. The D-Rays exist to provide the Yanks with pick-me-up wins after April troubles. 2,500 to win 1,938.

Season to date: Fool
Money to date: Bigger Fool

Update... 1-1 with a $2,500 payoff from the Tribe. Let's continue to roll the dog dice.

Nats over PHILLIES. The Nats are 6-13. The Phils are 7-11. Does Jamie Moyer really sound like someone who should be getting 2-1 odds at home? Nah, I didn't think so either. 2,500 to win 4,675 in a game that will go the bullpens.

Indians over TWINS. Go against Johan at home, twice in a week? Yup, because It's Still April. Fausto Carmona has his moments, and Johan is only 2-1 with 2 NDs against the Tribe in his last five starts. 5,000 to win 10,150 on the Tribe, because NBX double-booked my bet. Good thing this isn't Real Money...

Update: The Twins loss is my gain, but NBX may have boned my Monday win. Feel The Smoke!
Tomorrow... Scott Olsen and the Fish, both better than they've shown, on the road against the rebounding Tim Hudson and the Braves. Huddy's going to be fine this year, but he's due for some weakness. and the money line is big. 2,500 to win 3,800 on the Marlins.

Contrarianism continues with the over in Reds-Cards, where I don't believe in Looper and Arroyo enough to pass on an 8-run cover. 2,500 to win 2,600 on fireworks.

Thursday... Let's try Jae Seo (gack!) and the D-Rays in Anaheim against Shrek Colon. The moneyline is huge. the D-Rays are feeling frisky after smacking the Yanks around, and Bartubbo might not be so fresh on his second start of the year. 2,500 to win 4,575.

Giants on the road at Dodgers, Ortiz v. Penny. OK, Russ Ortiz is horrible, but this Dodger team hasn't hit at all like this moneyline, and Brad Penny's bound for a clunker. 2,500 to win 4,500.

Friday update... we're 4-4 and up 4,500 from riding dogs to .500. Two more... Brewers over ASTROS, 2,500 to win 3,700. Roy Oswalt is a beast, but Chris Capuano isn't chopped liver, and the Brew Crew has looked solid this year. Am I thrilled to put down 2,500 on Eric Milton and the Reds, on the road in Pittsburgh? When the payoff is 3,625, I am. Ian Snell is off to a hot start, but he's bound to remember that he's Ian Snell soon.

Saturday update... 5-5 and up 9,650 for the week (nearing even for the year), but $5K behind the chalk-running SportsColumn. We're going with the road Twins in Detroit, where Carlos Silva has been good to me before, against Justin Verlander. 2,500 to win 3,825. (Last night's big 4-spot in the 8th off Zumaya for the win also has me thinking good thoughts here.) I'm also going with the D-Rays in Oakland, with Casey Fossum against Dan Haren. The moneyline is bigger than it should be for the home team, who aren't scoring runs... and Haren's due for some longball trouble against the suddenly frisky D-Rays, 2,500 to win 4,350.

Sunday update... 6-6 ad up 11K for the week, but still down, so it's another all-in Sunday. We start in New York, where Tavarez and the Sox have an unconscionable money line against a Yankee team that isn't all better from one win. 8.475 to win 14,747 on the road team. Next, I like Fausto Carmona to keep up the hot streak in Baltimore (2,500 to win 1.603), Brandon McCarthy to pick it up or the Rangers in Toronto (2,500 to win 3,100), Kyle Davies to keep the Rocks down in Colorado (2,500 wo win 2,875), Dallas Braden and a patient A's team to wait out Scott Kazmir in Oakland (2,500 to win 2.750), Derek Lowe and the Dodgers to continue to take advantage of David Wells with the Padres (2,500 to win 2,525), and Randy Johnson to expose Matt Morris and the Giants in Arizona (2,500 to win 1,953). Wish me luck.

How Do The Sixers Thank Philly Fans?

(Actual e-mail title from the team. I bought tickets once upon a time, so I've been getting spam from them ever since.)

I'm so glad you asked, folks. I have a list.

1. Go back in time and undo the Chamberlain, Daugherty, Barkley, and Iverson deals

2. Pay up for championships owed from 1977, with interest (1982 did not clear the slate)

3. Make Larry Brown coach, preferably at gunpoint; keep Larry Brown away from the media in the same fashion

4. Bring Doug Moe in for a ritual stoning

5. Roll back the ticket prices to Spectrum levels

6. Host an "Agnostics and Cities" night, to make up for decades of support for "God and Country"

7. Feed Billy King, Howard Katz and whatever mascot you've got these days to a wood chipper

8. Institute the FTT Naughty Cheerleaders option

9. Purge all corporate naming from the building, and rename the place The Andrew Toney Arena

10. Win the lottery and draft Durant

One on One

So to celebrate the end of the worst regular season in the history of the NBA, The Truth and I will compete in a head-to-head playoff predictions battle to see who is the bigger idiot. The loser has to do something that is deeply shameful and personally repugnant on this blog. (Details later. That's called suspense.)

Rules: Pick all playoff series. 10 points for getting the winning team right, 10 more for calling the right number of games, 5 if you are one off. Each subsequent round doubles the points on each pick. That's it. Predictions from each man will be posted later tonight.

Truth, you're going down harder than Larry Bird did when I played Doc in the classic PC game. Get (even more) used to the feel of shattered backboard glass in your hair. It's going to start ugly, then get bestial.

Ed. Note: Here's the picks.

Shooter Picks / Truth Picks

Toronto in 6 / New Jersey in 6
Detroit in 5 / Detroit in 5
Miami in 6 / Chicago in 6
Houston in 6 / Houston in 6
Cleveland in 4 / Cleveland in 5
Phoenix in 4 / Phoenix in 6
San Antonio in 5 / San Antonio in 6
Dallas in 5 / Dallas in 6

With speed

Twins-ROYALS over. Sid Ponson and Odalis Perez? Come on, 10-spot. 3,000 to win 3,240 on the 10.5 line.

Dbacks-GIANTS, take the Snakes. It's the second go-around for Russ Ortiz in SF, and he's facing the sneaky-good Doug Davis. This is one sequel that should never have been green-lit, 3,000 to win 3,180 on the Snakes.

Braves-METS, taking the Braves. Tim Hudson looks like he's back to his old tricks, and I don't think Mike Pelfrey is ready for prime time yet. 3,000 to win 2,752 on the Braves.

* * * * *

With two winners already in the bank tonight, why break the mojo with a fresh post? Here's Saturday's action.

Phils over REDS. Cole Hamels vs. Eric Milton is about as good of a road matchup as the Phils can hope for right now, and they're due for a laugher after tonight's heartbreak.

GIANTS over DBacks. Barry Zito's a streak pitcher, and the last outing was masterful at altitude in Colorado. Things won't go as well for Edgar Gonzalez, whose 31 HRs allowed in 126 career innings makes him a big target for the Bay Dunk Tank.

ANGELS over Mariners. Bartolo Colon's first start of the year has the good fortune to come against Horacio Ramirez, who is probably the worst Ramirez in MLB right now.

Season to date: 15-17-1, down $1,500, making a move, dammit (3rd in this week's rankings).

Once more with feeling...

To have any shot at the top spot this week, I need something on the order of a $30K swing. So I'm going to throw my momentum and bankroll on the biggest moneyline underdogs of the day, which are the Yanks in Boston facing Matsuzaka and a sweep, the Snakes in San Fran facing hot starting Matt Cain, and the ChiSox with tatooed love boy John Garland facing filthy Justin Verlander. It'll be a Festivus miracle, eight months early.

Season to date: 17-17-1, with one game pending, up $4K

Three (!) one-run losses on Sunday later.... 18-20-1, down $20K (ah, the perils of the Big Bet)

King of the Road

(Sorry, no images tonight. Blogger is on the rag.)

Twins over MARINERS. One night after turning King Felix turned into Queen Itchy, the Twins send Johan Santana to the mound against one of the more mystifying contracts of our time, Jarrod Washburn. Plus, Johan's going to be good and focused from his last start, a home loss to Scott Kazmir and the D-Rays. Betting 2,000 to win 1,235 on the road favorite.

Jays over RED SOX. Roy Halladay against Julian Tavarez in the rubber match. Tavarez actually has some good recent success against the Hosers, but I think that's bound to change, and this Sox team just hasn't hit consitently so far this year. 2,000 to win 1,087 on the road favorite.

Phils over NATIONALS. One last road favorite, with Jamie Moyer facing John Patterson. With tonight's game going into extra innings and this one being a day game, I'm looking for Old Man Moyer's sleepy slop to lull the Nats into nap time. John Patterson's better than he's showed so far, but that's really not saying much. 2,000 to win 1,600 on the Phils.

Season to date: 13-16-1, down $2,500.

Bring In Costanza

After two solid weeks of trying to do this the right way, it's time to go the other way. That's right, folks, I'm pulling a Costanza on these MLB picks. Bet the house on 'em.

Twins over MARINERS - King Felix has been dominant. He's at home. Carlos Silva is eminently hittable. The Twins aren't a good road team. We're eating cereal tonight! 1,000 to win 1,730 on the road dogs.

PADRES over DBacks. Brandon Webb is the reigning Cy Young winner. David Wells looks like he ate Cy Young, Cliff Young, and Michael Young. The Snakes are off to a hot start. The Pads are still getting over the loss of (gulp) Dave Roberts. I'm feeling like five bucks, and sharing needles with homeless guys. We're brothers! Take the Pods! 1,000 to win 1,070 on the Pods.

TIGERS over Royals. Jeremy Bonderman faces Gil Meche at home. Why is this a Constanza moment? Because I drafted Bonderman, who's getting no run support this year. So why not go with the Royals? Because that's what the world *wants* me to do, see? It's too easy! The old double-bluff! You fell for a classic blunder! Never engage a Sicilian when death is on the line! Ha Ha! (falls over)

Season to date: 10-13-1, down $3K.

Bringing the Wood

To all the A Rod haters out there, this just isn’t your year. Don’t get me wrong here. I’m not a fan of A Rod or the Yankees, but I recently found myself picking A Rod in my Baseball Fantasy League. It’s a 5-5 format with 12 teams and the draft order is determined “randomly” a couple of weeks before we draft. I say “randomly” because in all the years I’ve been playing in these leagues (Football, Basketball and Baseball) run by the same guys, I’ve yet to come within sniffing distance of the top of the order. I find bitterness to be a virtue, don’t you?

Anyway, I landed in the 8th spot this year. I’m pretty familiar with being stuck in the middle of the drafting order so I usually find myself being able to scoop up 2 solid offense players with my first two picks. I hate pitching and refuse to even think about picking up one before round 3. And then it’s most likely a stud closer.

As I do every year I wait to do my research until the last minute. This year – I did none at all. I had a Fantasy Baseball magazine (sucker purchase by the way) and looked up how others had drafted on ESPN.com. In a nutshell, I wasn’t prepared. What I really wasn’t prepared for was that my league was going to hand me the future 2007 AL MVP at slot 8. Alex Rodriguez.

What I can’t understand is how does A Rod fall to me at 8? And before you all start emailing me about how to get into this league let me run down the first 7 picks for you.

1. Albert Pujols. Can’t disagree with that pick. This guy has been a stud since breaking into the bigs. By the way, he was robbed of the MVP last year. He had more runs, more extra base hits, a higher average, higher OBP, higher slugging and higher OPS than Ryan Howard. He also struck out almost 4 times less than Howard (50 to 181). Oh, and I think his team one the World Series. He’ll get on track, so this was the pick at #1.

2. Johan Santana. Too high a slot for Johan. He’s a first round pick, but not at number 2. At this spot you need to find an offense player who is going to produce for you in at least 4 categories. An SP only helps you once a week, sometimes twice if the schedule lines up right. And taking him here, you’re waiting 20 more picks before you get a shot at your first offense producer. Minor bone.

3. Ryan Howard. Must be a pick by a Philly Homer. We have a lot of Philly guys in the league so I see where this could happen. However, he struggled through the spring and even commented that he had a lot to do with his swing, that it didn’t feel right. This was a guy I was thinking about at 8. Glad to see him go early so I didn’t have to roll the dice. Hap tip for saving me from myself.

4. Jose Reyes. Every year there is a trendy pick. And this was this year’s trend setter. I like his game, but with ARod and Ortiz out there, I’d have gone with one of them.

5. Alfonso Soriano. In a few words, he’s a Cub. Nothing good can come from that. And he’s already hurt. But hamstring injuries are rarely nagging.

Ok, at this point I’m thinking that these guys think this is a NL only league. Except for the guy who drafted Santana. But I’m worried. Two picks to go to me and I want A Rod or Ortiz and I’m thinking no way I get either. Do I start thinking Beltran or Cabrera? We’ll see.

6. David Ortiz. Crap. There goes one of my guys. Love this pick at 6. In other drafts I hadn’t seen him go this high and was hoping he was coming my way.

7. David Wright. WHAT? Is something wrong with my computer? Is something wrong with the computer of the owner who picked Wright? How many beers have I had? How does that happen? Are you telling me that David Wright is more valuable, at the same position, as A Rod? I’m ecstatic by this move. I think this owner thought it was a NL East only league. Major Bone.

Too many people have been lamenting about the “down” year A Rod had last year: 113 runs, 35 HR, 121 RBI, 15 SB and a .392 OBP. If that is a down year, I can’t wait to see what he does this year when he wins the AL MVP. So the lesson here is don’t do any draft prep. Just join a league where the other owners flub it up so you get A Rod with the 8th pick.

FTT Exclusive - The Lou/Fonzie Conversation

One switch that is not under consideration at the moment: Moving Alfonso Soriano out of center field even though he began the night with a .234 average, no homers and one RBI. Piniella said the two had a "nice conversation" Monday and that Soriano is adamant about staying put. "We brought him in here to hit, and if center field is causing a problem, we want to eradicate that, but he feels very comfortable," Piniella said. -- Associated Press

Lou: Hey, Fonzie?

Soriano Handler #1: Do you have an appointment, Skip?

Lou: Um, no. I just thought I'd have a quick...

Handler #2: No trouble, Skip. Let's just check our man's schedule.

Lou: Well, we've got a game in two hours, but you do what you need to...

Handler #3: Treo?

Handler #2: No, Blackberry. I know I should switch, but I just hate setting up a new device.

Handler #3: I know what you mean. I'd have never switched, but once the...

Handler #2: Treo Flush!

Handler #3: You know it. Man, that sucked.

Handler #4: Hey, anyone seen the new iPhone yet? Fonzie wants one.

Handler #1: Me too! Me too!

Lou: Hey, fellas, if you'd all just step aside, I think I see Fonz back there...

Handler #3: One second, Skip. We're talking here.

Handler #2 (quietly): You believe these people? Amateurs.

Handler #1: I told Fonzie, "Fonz, you've got to be firm with these people. They're like children. You don't owe them anything."

Handler #2: Seriously! I mean, it's the Cubs. It would be one thing if we went to a team that actually expects to win. But these guys, it's like...

Handler #1: Vest and Rest.

Handler #2: Aw yeah! You da man!

Handler #1: That's why I'm Handler #1, baby.

Lou: Look, I'm starting to lose my patience here.

Handler #3: No, skip, relax! It'll all work out fine. Take it easy.

Lou: Can I just talk to my freaking player, please?

Handler #3: Language, Skip! Remember the year that Fonzie had last year in Washington? Very supportive managemet, Skip. You don't want Fonz to feel unsupported, do you?

Lou: Actually, I think he was just pissed off with the trade and position change, and playing for a big fat contract.

Handler #4: I'm just going to pretend you didn't say that.

Lou: What?

Handler #3: It's obvious that you're not ready to engage in a constructive dialogue with our client today.

Handler #4: Seriously. I can't even look at you right now.

Handler #3: Why don't you try again tomorrow?

Lou: Huh? Look, you goddamn...

Handler #4: We don't need to call in the Big Handlers, do we, Skip?

Lou: Oh, for the love of... I'm outta here.

Handler #2 (aside): What's with the old man?

Handler #1: Like I care. Why doesn't he just go to Florida and retire?

(Update: Fonzie now has a hamstring problem. Cub-esque!)

It's The End Of The World As We Know It

Item: The Golden State Warriors, who have not made the playoffs since 1994, are very close to clinching a spot.

Truly, I write today of things which must shortly come to pass;

And I beheld when the Prodigal Nellie had returned to the State of Gold, and, lo, there was a great earthquake named Biedrins; and the sun became as black as the hopes of those who rooted for either Spree or PJ,

and the moon became as dumb as the contract that Adonal doth signed

And the stars of other teams fell unto their knees, even as a fig tree casteth her untimely figs, though to be honest, there's just not that much call for figs anymore

And the Pacific Division departed from sense and reason when it is rolled together, and the ancient Northwestern powers fell into such stupidity and disrepair that there had to be copious amounts of Paul Allen

The first angel sounded, and gave them an actual point guard, albeit one who could be injured in the stiffeth of breezes;

And the second angel poured out his vial upon the sea, and threw down hard, and spoke thusly, saying I am J-Rich, and this is what I doeth;

and the third angel shot his guns in the air like he just don't care, because, verily, this is what SJax doeth,

and the fourth angel poured out his array of ball-hogging shots, and power was given unto him to scorch men with fire, because Harrington is, verily, a Streaketh Shootereth,

and gamblers were scorched with great heat.

And the fifth angel, Montaeth, is but a babe, and knows not that this isn't going to work out for him here, but that he will wind up being Gilbert Arenas Two, Apocalytpic Boogaloo

And there were voices, and thunders, and lightnings, and there was a great earthquake, such as not since people like Kurt Cobain and Nicole Brown Simpson trod the earth

and the East Bay rose as one voice in a sound not unliketh a group shrug of "Huh. Finally."

And every island fled away, and the mountains were not found

And then there fell upon these minor angels a great hail out of Phoenix or Dallas, every contest bitter, as this minor miracle was swepeth from thine eyes, ending an overly long and ultimately pointless exercise, be-eth the season oreth this Posteth.

The grace of this blog be with you all. Amen.

The Daily Routine

TIGERS over Royals. Zack Greinke's remarkable comeback from being Zack Greinke hits a snag tonight in Detroit, where Justin Verlander gives him a taste of that old anxiety. Betting 1000 to win 524.

Marlins over ASTROS. You'd think Aribal Sanchez wouldn't fly so under the radar after picking up a no-hitter last year, but such is the fate of any Marlins SP that doesn't kick his foot up to his nose. Tonight he gets a road game against Wandy Rodriguez, which means more Wandy manipulation for the NL's highest scoring offense. We're betting 1000 to win 1060 on the Fish.

Giants-ROCKIES over. Zito vs. Francis is one of those marquee matchups that never work out in Coors, mostly because neither guy is really all that great. It's 1000 down to win 909 on the 10-run over. Just think, if Barry had signed a deal with the Mets, he'd be Pavano-riffic by now.

Season-to-date: 7-8-1 and down $324, but NBX is wiping the slate clean every week. Irritating.

Updated... 8-10-1, down $1800. Have to love it when a team is up 7-0 in the 4th, and the final is 8-0. Big ups for the effort, Rocks.

P.S. -- What the hell, when the picks are this bad, why give them their own post? Tomorrow, we're going with the Braves and John Smoltz over the Nats (they aren't going to lose the same match-up a week later, right), the Rocks to get a bounce-back win against the Giants and Matt Cain at home, and the Red Sox to wear Gus Chavin out behind Matsuzaka.

1000 to win 472 on the Braves, 1000 to win 690 on Boston, 1000 to win 901 on the Rocks. I'm also throwing 500 on the 1.5 runline for the Sox, and 500 on the 9-run over.

Fun Facts

> The Knicks are 3-14 since coach Isiah Thomas received a contract extension, and were eliminated from the playoff race on Friday. The 14 remaining Knicks fans in the world just had another drink.

> The Sixers were eliminated from the playoff race on Saturday. After Sunday's win against Detroit, Sixers coach Mo Cheeks said, "I'm very proud of our guys to go out and play a game that doesn't have a whole lot of meaning. Our young guys went out there and played it the right way." Congrats, Mo. The moral high ground will look great for the next 10 to 15 years, when Oden and Durant are handing the Sixers their ass. And good for you on getting practice on playing when the games have no meaning. That's going to describe the next five years, at least.

> I hope you're all sitting down for this, but Rich Harden was cruising before leaving the Yankee game with shoulder tightness. WATFO that Rich couldn't stay healthty? It's also the first of many steps that will destroy the current first place team in my roto league, and blew my under cover in the A's game. (In other equally shocking news, Carl Pavano, DL.)

Luckily, magical man-elf Marco Scutato shook off his .050 batting average and an 0-2 count to take Mo Rivera deep, giving the A's their first series win of the year. For a fairly terrible baseball player, Scoot has his moments.

> A-Rod is now hitting .372 with 7 HRs and 17 RBIs. And who picked him for AL MVP? That's right, this very blog. Worship us.

> Bob Horry is contemplating retirement. Um, Bob? When the AP is giving you DNP-Inactive, instead of DNP-Coaches Decision... you're more or less retired. They just haven't gotten around to telling you yet.

> Steve Spurrier calls for the Confederate flag to be removed from the South Carolina statehouse. One suspects that if he had done better than 3-5 in the conference last year, it would already be down.

> The Eagles gave Brian Westbrook an extra $3 million bonus last year, and have filed a grievance with the NFL because it hasn't been repaid yet.

This will probably be a non-story soon, but imagine, if you will, if the team had done the same thing with TO several years ago. On second thought, don't...

> Meanwhile, back in the worst regular season in NBA history, this was actually said. "I probably (would have played), but since we were in the hunt for a high draft pick, of course things are different. I understand that. Hopefully things get better. Now that we clinched at least having the second-most balls in the lottery, the last three games we'll see what happens. We'll see if we can go out and finish some games." - Ryan Gomes, Celtics forward, not quite getting the wink-wink nudge-nudge memo that NBA games with the bottom feeders have only slightly less integrity than your average WWE match.

Seriously, the whole lottery system? Scrap it. Give every team, in playoffs or not, a chance to get the top players. Also, take the worst team in every division and demote them to the NBDL. Because, right now, the NBA is committing widespread fraud by charging full price for games that mean less than exhibitions. Pathetic.

P.S. Hat tip to the Hater Nation for hoping the Celts succeed in their tank job, then draft a guy who OD's. Now, that's some quality hate right there.

This Week's Things I Will Refuse To Understand

The first in a series of columns that can be summarized as I'm Getting Old And Cranky, which is the fate for anyone who writes about sports. Feel free to add any of yours in the comments.

> How Bill Simmons can write 3,500 words on a near-weekly basis about the Celtics, or roughly ten words for every person in the world who is still paying attention to the Celtics

> There is a live-action movie version of "Speed Racer" now in production, directed by the guys from the Matrix, and starring Susan Sarandon, John Goodman, and Christina Ricci

> No MLB team, even the ones that can spend money like trustafarians in Vegas, has more than a half-game lead in their division

> The following SPs are still getting starts: Josh Towers, Tony Armas, Eric Milton, Wade Miller and Casey Fossum

> Anyone who pays $9.99 a month for ringtones

> People are still writing about Don Imus and the Rutgers baskebtall team (no, really, we need another version of the exact same opinion about this)

> Paying millions of dollars for naming rights to stadiums

> Civilians calling a stadium by its corporate name

> "American Idol" getting news coverage

> Eternal presidential campaigns

> Anyone who thinks that it's a good idea to have Barry Bonds wear Jackie Robinson's number

Big and Boofy

Today's ill-considered picks...

Rays-TWINS over. If Seo vs. Bonser doesn't finally get me off the over-under schneid (this one's at 10), I'm gonna Boof all over this blog.

Yanks-A'S under and to win. Harden v. Pettite, and the A's are scoring less than Ike with Tina right now. At 8.5, I'm liking this line, and Harden's going to get them the win, to boot.

Rockies-DBACKS, taking the Snakes. The Snakes are the early success story out West, and Doug Davis treats the Rocks like Ike treated Tina. Even if we don't have the Artist Known as BK Kim getting the start, this is money.

Season to date: 5-7, down $667.

Ed. Note: 2-1-1, with the push from the Rays-Twins and the loss from the A's-Yanks under. Now down $324, and in 6th. Fah.

Hot and Heavy

JAYS over Tigers. A. J. Burnett's season ERA is ugly, but his last start was solid, and he's got MLB's highest scoring team behind him at home. Chad Durbin has a career ERA of 6.21 in 342 innings, and last got regular work as a Kansas City Royal. 'Nuff said.

Reds over CUBS. Branson Arroyo on the road against Great Cub Hope Rich Hill. Thanks to a snow-out, this is only Hill's second start of the year, and the rust will be problematic against a patient Reds lineup. (Speaking of patience, the Cubs are the second-worst team in the league at drawing walks, which is how you can spend an ungodly amount of money on offensive players and still not be all that great at scoring runs.) Take the road dog.

Angels over RED SOX, with the 9.5 over. Hector Carrasco on the road against Bloggy McBloggermouth, aka the Big Schill? Yes, and for one big reason -- the Sox were 10-1 winners over the Angels last night, and the Angels are a tough team to whiff, which cuts down Bloggy's margin for error. It'll be an old-fashioned Fenway pinball game, with the Angel bully proving the difference.

Season to date: 5-3, up $583 virtual dollars (soon to be used on virtual crack and virtual hookers in Second Life... or, well, not).

(Still not getting enough of Mr. Not Nice Guy? Play on. And no, nothing from that album up on YouTube. The Internet fails us, yet again.)

P.S. 0-4 today, 5-7 for year, down 667 virtual dollars. The lesson: don't play Pat Boone.

You Ask, FTT Responds

I just stumbled across your sports blog and I'm really impressed. A lot of good stuff!

I'd like to invite you and your group to write for (NAME WITHHELD), a community sports blog and wiki started by my friends and I... because we have hundreds of people already writing (and thousands reading!) you'll have an instant audience. A lot of our articles get a dozen or more
comments -- and some get many, many more... Skeptical? Feel free to cross-publish one of your recent articles. We don't mind!

(NAME WITHHELD)

What makes you think our site traffic isn't as big as yours, Mr. Name Withheld because we might do and do it later? Is it the sparse comments, the amateurish image selection, or the lack of titty? Hey, wait a minute....

... there we go. All better now!

We'll kindly keep our puerile opinions, weak writing and tasteless insults (that Lidle/Murcer bit a week ago? *still* getting us hammered in Confession, and we're not even Catholic) to ourselves. Along with our Burgeoning Media Empire.

Hey FTT, I just noticed that your site is available as an RSS feed. WTF?

FTT's Mom

Absolutely; it's on the right hand side, in the Links.

You can thank The Techie Truth for that one. Now, instead of going to us via bookmark or personal harangue from our trained staff of starving IM Spammers, new slop can pop on your customized home page. (You say you haven't got a customized home page? Wow. And they let people like you drive?)

Dear FTT,

You have the only updated site on the Web that has not posted about Don Imus in the last 3 days. What's the matter, scared of a similar nappy moment?

Your Only Woman's College Basketball Reader

We answer with a trivia question: the names of any of the players for either team in that championship game.

Wow, who knew the Web had crickets?

Cut and Run

Ed. Note: These picks were made in a hurry, the night before a minor surgical procedure (why yes, I am getting my tubes tied, thanks for asking). So if they betray an even greater edge of thrill-seeking nihilism, you'll know why. Bet your life!

DODGERS over Padres. David Wells is fat. And old. Derek Lowe is neither of these things, and he also likes to play with himself when striking out Terence Freaking Long looking to end the A's season. Go with self-play over fatty, and Jerk over Idiot. (It's kind of like rock-paper-scissors.)

A'S over Yanks. Dan Haren's solid, and Kei Igawa looks like the kind of scared nibbler that will crap the bed for a month or two before he figures out he doesn't have to be perfect. The game's in Oakland, which will actually help Igawa more than being in the Bronx right now, but the A's will scratch out a win.

Rays over TWINS. Bet against The Great Santana at home? Yes, but only in April, for a big time moneyline, and with a bounce-backing Scott Kazmir. Besides, the rumor mill has Santana getting into contract extension talks with the Twins, and that kind of thing can make people try too hard (see Zambrano, Fat).

P.S. 3-0, baby, and now in 4th in the contest. Haren didn't outduel Igawa, but everything else went according to plan.

Season to date: 5-3

You Can Really Taste The Losing

Item: A-Busch is launching a team-specific packaging campaign for "more than 12 million cases of 111 different customized bottles, cans and aluminum bottles, which will be distributed in 26 team markets."

Which leads us to the following five questions, which y'all can feel free to answer in the comments, or not...

1) Would you drink a beer from the can of a hated rival, even if it was the same beer that was in your team's can?

2) When throwing beer at opposing athletes, is it important for it to come from your team's can?

3) Why doesn't anyone ever do this with wine, chewing tobacco or crack?

4) Will Cubs fans realize that, no matter what's on the label, they're drinking a St. Louis product, and are they too drunk already to care?

5) Shouldn't some teams have to have cheaper and worse beer. since MLB doesn't rein in the rich teams on anything else? (We're seeing the Brewers drinking Old Milwaukee, the Pirates going for Iron City, and the Royals with rusty cans of Sterno.)

Rich, Smokey Goodness

Off to a 2-1 start, with only the Cards-Pirates hopeless failures with men on base to prevent perfection. (The ChiSox went Ordonez on Huston Street in a non-save situation, and King Felix was remarkably unlike Jeff Weaver against the Sox.)

Side note -- holy crap! -- first place is an interview with the man himself? I have Lucille questions to ask. I have a need to know his favorite way to insult Pussy Clemens. When McGwire and Canseco shot each other up with roids, did they do that Bash Brothers thing afterward? Is Rickey Henderson really from outer space? Why does your bobblehead talk to me in a surprisingly high-pitched voice every time I'm huffing glue? (Note: The interview may not last long.)

Braves over Nationals moneyline -- Sometimes, you just have to suck up the bad moneyline. John Smoltz, at home, versus a team that's showing as much life as Bush's Social Security plans. Have to love it when a team is tits-up before Tax -- no, Opening -- Day. How long until they move back to Montreal? (I'd also take the runline, but Bob Wickman has a bad habit of making things interesting.)

Tigers-Blue Jays over -- Maroth vs. Ohka? Ten runs might happen from either team, so I'm taking the over. Little-known fact: Tomo Ohka, in Korean, translates as "santorum." (See Dan Savage and/or Urban Dictionary. A better thought -- don't.)

Sox over Mariners money and runline - Ride the whipsaw back, with Tim Wakefield befuddling the young M's. Jarrod Washburn has a 4.66 career ERA against Boston, spells his name like a bad sandwich pimp, and has a pronounced case of JFK's Head Motion (back -- and to the right). He's going to get lit up faster than Britney Spears in rehab. (Speaking of tits up...) We're shaking our moneymaker with the moneyline and the 1.5 runline.

P.S. Rain out in Boston, the Tigers-Jays miss the over by one freaking run, and the Braves do nothing for Smoltz in a 2-0 loss. Good grief.

Season record: 2-3

Tom Landry Died Without Ever Having Really Lived

NBX.com, the site that shows you just how much you could lose in real sports gambling, is back with another blogtastic contest.

We like to join these things, because they show how we're Important Members of the Sports Blogosphere. (Heh heh. He said member.)

Anyway, this one's for MLB, and it has two big advantages over the last go-around:

1) I pretend to know something about MLB, and

2) Dave "Smoke" Stewart is lending his name to it, making it the first time I've ever had a connection with someone whose bobblehead is in my basement, being an ex-A's season ticket holder. Little Stew spends his days shaking off Jason Kendall and intimidating the bugs in the crawl space. Or maybe he's just got Tourrette's. We'll never know, because he ain't talking.

Smoke also posts at NBX.com, and he warmed the cockles of my heart a month ago by basically calling Roger Clemens a pussy. Given how many times he kicked sand in Roger's face back in the late '80s, I think he's earned the right.

Oh, and also, because the truth is always a defense. Roger Clemens *is* a pussy.

Anyway, here are our first three picks of the year. Wager at your peril, you degenerates.

Mariners over Red Sox -- Take your chalk and shove it.The first start for Dice-K in Boston could be jittery, and coming off a crushing blowout, the Sox may think it's coming too easy. They'll learn that King Felix is not Jeff Weaver. (Can someone -- anyone -- tell me why Jeff Weaver is still in MLB? Does he have photos or something? He makes Fat Sid Ponson's career look explicable.)

Cardinals-Pirates over -- Adam Wainwright is just OK, and the odor of Pat Maholm attracts stray animals for over 100 yards. The Cards break out of their offensive stink and the teams combine to beat the 8 number, especially after tonight's 12 innings of bleah.

White Sox over A's - The A's always stink in April, and they usually make Mark Buerhle look way too good. Add in the more than lingering distrust for Joe Kennedy, and the usual mid-week crowd of budget hot dog eaters at the A's Wednesday matinee, and it's a bad scene for the home team. Sox with the win. (Mmm. Cheap quasi-meat....)

P.S. Cards and Pirates strand 26 (!) baserunners in a 9-inning game, witnessed by a crowd numbering in the several. Cards win 3-2, and Poo Holes continues to metamorphose into 2005 Todd Helton. (That sound you just heard was A Holes' fantasy owners smacking themselves. Hard.)

Shorter ESPN Matsuzaka Preview

Item: Daisuke Matsuzaka makes his first start in Boston on Wednesday.

Might be easier just to give the site a miss for a few days, is all we're saying.

Countdown to Eagles training camp starts... now

(Hey, you try to find an image of rats leaving a sinking ship that doesn't involve the Bush Administration. Can't be done.)

This one goes out to your (and by your, we do mean your) Philadelphia Phillies, who have come out of the gate like a sorority rush who likes to mix ruffies with schnapps. Once or maybe twice, it could be an accident, but after a while, you have to chalk it up to Poor Character.

Now 1-6, the team that shortstop Jimmy Rollins called "the team to beat" in the NL East has been, well, just that.

Between the Sixers winning just enough games to prevent any shot at a decent player in the Oden/Durant draft, the Flyers being the Knicks of the NHL (only without the entertainment value), and the Phils doing their time-tested April Walk of Shame, one of the great sports towns in America has become a one team town.

And that's not just FTT saying that -- it's 50K-plus Mets fans, serenading the unwise Rollins with "Darryl" esque chants. Get used to it, Meat, because they're going to be filling your home stands for those Mets games, too. At least you'll have a crowd for some of those games that isn't chanting E-A-G-L-E-S.

And people wonder why we're bitter. (And, also, why we buy schnapps. You gotta dance with what brung ya, and all.)

Hateful Shout Out

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Top 10 Reasons Why Jesus Forsake Tiger Woods

(Ed. Note for non-golf fans: Unheralded PGA pro Zach Johnson won the Masters this weekend, holding off Tiger Woods and Retief Goosen for his first win in a major. Afterwards, a very emotional Johnson gave the credit to Jesus, seeing how it was Easter and all, and the Son of God clearly had nothing better to concern Himself with than who would win a golf tournament. Later on, he compared Woods to a giant, which would have to be Goliath, one would think.)

10. Earl Woods is constantly dropping by his cloud, unannounced

9. Starting to get a little bit jealous of all the attention

8. Knows that Tiger doesn't really drive a Buick, and lies make Him cry, especially in late December

7. Feels Tiger is getting a little too comfortable in Dubai

6. Two words: Nicklaus Praying

5. Little-known fact: Zach Johnson has leprosy, and He could never say no to a leper

4. Just didn't have his "A" Blessing today

3. Wanted Tiger to win, but as anyone who has ever played golf knows, the putter is Satan's club

2. Had to do something to shut Johnny Hart up (http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20070409/ap_en_ot/obit_hart)

1. Warming up with minor miracles before August 2nd (last paragraph, http://www.theonion.com/content/news/christ_getting_in_shape_for_second)

Shorter Bill Simmons on Matsuzaka's Successful Debut

(And yes, the image choice could have been far less kind.)

Poo Holes

Dear Albert,

We're sure that, by the time the year is over, we'll have forgotten all about this 1-for-9 start with fewer RBIs than Julio Franco.

After all, you can't be expected to hit the likes of Tom Glavine, Orlando Hernandez, Aaron Heilmann and John Maine. They are Just Too Tough, especially when you only have a 1.046 career OPS. It's unfair for us to expect the number one pick in every fantasy draft to actually hit a little.

So while you and your teammates continue to hit the snooze button on 2007, please take this small token of our affection as well. It'll go well with your jewelry as you look up in the standings at the entire freaking division.

Now, in the words of our ancestors... BOOOOO!!!!

When Little Girls Play Big Boy Games

Way to milk "cramps" into a few days off Nancy.

Johnny Damon out with a sore left calf saying he could "barely walk." You have a charlie horse Johnny - get the trainer to work it out and get in the games.

Anybody interested in my rookie Johnny Damon baseball card?

14.5 Million More Reasons to Hate Bud

The Sports Business Journal obtained and published MLB's 2005 tax return which reported Commissioner Bud Selig's 2005 salary at $14.5 million dollars. MLB paid $77.3 million is salaries to 231 employees. But I'm sure Bud did 20% of all the work, so that salary is justified.

You can read the full story here.

10 Things We Know After Opening Day

(No, that's not Sidney Ponson. Honest.)

1) The Yankees will be fine, now that Bobby Murcer is alive and Cory Lidle is dead. (What, too soon?)

2) The Red Sox will react to an opening day loss to Gil Meche (ha ha ha ha ha ha!) and the Royals, where Ol' Bloggy McBloggermouth got cuffed around, with tact and decorum, because after all, it's a long season, and Boston knows not to overreact to every little thing. (Will Francona be fired? SHOULD HE? MUST HE? FIRE FRANCONA NOW!!!)

3) The A's will not score runs, and will regret not paying a lot of money to Frank Thomas forever and ever.

4) Carlos Zambrano's contract drive year is going to be super. Just like everything else in Cub Land.

5) That Dodgers-White Sox World Series we predicted? Worthless!

6) A-Rod -- MVP. We're like, Kreskin and shit.

7) The Phils have a bullpen problem? WATFO?

8. Our new college basketball overlords are the team we knew would win all along, but we had to let Truth make the picks, due to those compromosing photos he has of us with Leni Reifenstahl. (In the words of Handy from The Tick, READ A BOOK!)

9) After climate change floods the world's cities, triggering a nuclear apocalypse from desperate nations trying to scrounge every last acre of usuable land, and humanity has perished in a sad final journey to the Arctic regions in search of the last usable water, Vince McMahon will emerge, whole and hearty, from his underground lair and sell a pay-per-view event. And it will draw.

10) We used to have a tenth point on this list, but then we looked at that Damon Tampex box again, and we lost the will to live. So cold. So very, very cold...

Cramps

Against my better judgement, I selected Johnny Damon in my fantasy baseball draft. I took him in the 5th round, 56th overall. I figured he would be good for runs, SBs and OBP. I didn't want to take him because I've owned him before and suffered through some of his lame injuries.

But this is ridiculous. Opening day in New York - not too hot, not too cold. So what happened? Damon leaves the game after 5 innings with "cramps." I think we know what kind of cramps he had.

Hope Springs Eternal

Unless you're a Cubs Fan. We're entering the 99th season since the Cubs last won a World Series. How is that even possible? I'll tell you why. To quote Homer Simpson, they are "the suckiest bunch of sucks to ever suck."

The front office is trying to change that by spending nearly $300 million this past off season. They should score some runs, but man, the pitching stinks. As usual.

$75 million to Aramis Ramirez. He puts up big numbers but unfortunately half will come in an 8 week stretch and he'll be cold the remainder of the time.

$136 million to Alfonso Soriano. That's a lot of jack for Mr. Strikeout himself. The guy strikes out 25% of the time. And they're moving him to center field. Couple that with Jacque Jones in Right and Matt Murton in Left and presto - you have one of the crappiest defensive outfields in baseball. All for only $20 million a year!

$40 million to Ted Lilly. I actually like this signing. It might actually turn out well for them. The switch to the NL might help him this year (the first half at least) to face batters that haven't seen him much.

$21 million to Jason Marquis. What? Jason Marquis of the 6.02 ERA last year with the World Champion Cardinals? The same Cardinals that didn't put him on the playoff roster last year? The team that would rather throw a rookie out there instead of him? But I'm sure Wrigley will be good for him. Being the pitcher's park that it is.

No Prior. No Wood. Again. And throw in the Dumpster to close out games and it's going to be another forgettable year for the Cubs. It will be fun to watch the different ways they find to lose games. The over under on Lou having a Lee Elias moment is 20 games.