Stinkapalooza

I can always tell when May is right around the corner. The weather is finally getting nice, trees are blooming, the Cubs are already in last place and either Wood or Prior is going under the knife. I’d like to apologize to everyone living outside of Chicago – that smell coming from my town is the Cubs. Being a Cards fan, it’s like Christmas everyday in Chicago during baseball season. This team invents new ways to lose every time I watch them.

When the season began I pointed out reasons why the Cubs would suck once again. I was wrong on Lou waiting 20 games before he had a melt down. It took 9. When Lou was last seen last night he was screaming at someone in his office. My guess is it was a mirror and he was wondering why the hell he took the job.

Soriano has 1 RBI and 0 HRs. But don’t worry Cub fans, it’s early. I’m sure the 7 year contract will work out well. And don’t worry about the power numbers – he does have a .305 OBP leading off.

Big Z. Isn’t it strange how his contract extension that was going to be announced the first week of the season has disappeared completely? I’m sure Big Z doesn’t mind and isn’t at all distracted. That 6.91 ERA has nothing to do with it. I hate to see poor results happen to such a classy guy.

I went to Wrigley this past weekend to watch the Cards take 2 of 3 from the Cubs. I was blown away by the excitement all the Cubs fans had about Felix Pie (pronounced P-Ay). True, it looks like he is going to be great in the outfield. But I don’t think this guy could get a hit off the Georgia Peaches. He’s batting .200 in the bigs but you think the Cubs fans were engraving him a plaque for Cooperstown. This is it? This is all the Cubs have to feel good about? And I had to hear about him for hours while sitting in the bleachers?

It reminded me of a buddy of mine from college. Not the best looking or coolest guy in the world. Never had any luck with the ladies. One night he finally hooked up with a Houdini (that’s what we called girls with large butts who always tied a shirt or sweatshirt around their waste – trying to make the fat disappear) after a few beers. All he could talk about the next day was the lines he was using and how he was in the zone. After a couple hours of hearing about his great night and how hot this chick was, my buddy Bake finally said “Dude, she was mediocre looking at best, not funny and had terrible breath. Stop making her out to be Miss America because you’re just embarrassing yourself.” I could have used Bake this weekend to tell the Cubs fans that what they have here in Pie is just a Houdini. No more, no less.

But let’s get back to the most important matter in anything. The money trail. $300 million spent in the off season and the Cubs who finished with the worst record in the NL last season have used that money to improve the team. They now have the second worst record in the NL. Money well spent Cubs. Man, it’s great to be a Cards fan in Chicago.

Update: Prior done for the year. Just like the Cubs.