This Week's Things I Will Refuse To Understand

The first in a series of columns that can be summarized as I'm Getting Old And Cranky, which is the fate for anyone who writes about sports. Feel free to add any of yours in the comments.

> How Bill Simmons can write 3,500 words on a near-weekly basis about the Celtics, or roughly ten words for every person in the world who is still paying attention to the Celtics

> There is a live-action movie version of "Speed Racer" now in production, directed by the guys from the Matrix, and starring Susan Sarandon, John Goodman, and Christina Ricci

> No MLB team, even the ones that can spend money like trustafarians in Vegas, has more than a half-game lead in their division

> The following SPs are still getting starts: Josh Towers, Tony Armas, Eric Milton, Wade Miller and Casey Fossum

> Anyone who pays $9.99 a month for ringtones

> People are still writing about Don Imus and the Rutgers baskebtall team (no, really, we need another version of the exact same opinion about this)

> Paying millions of dollars for naming rights to stadiums

> Civilians calling a stadium by its corporate name

> "American Idol" getting news coverage

> Eternal presidential campaigns

> Anyone who thinks that it's a good idea to have Barry Bonds wear Jackie Robinson's number