How Do The Sixers Thank Philly Fans?

(Actual e-mail title from the team. I bought tickets once upon a time, so I've been getting spam from them ever since.)

I'm so glad you asked, folks. I have a list.

1. Go back in time and undo the Chamberlain, Daugherty, Barkley, and Iverson deals

2. Pay up for championships owed from 1977, with interest (1982 did not clear the slate)

3. Make Larry Brown coach, preferably at gunpoint; keep Larry Brown away from the media in the same fashion

4. Bring Doug Moe in for a ritual stoning

5. Roll back the ticket prices to Spectrum levels

6. Host an "Agnostics and Cities" night, to make up for decades of support for "God and Country"

7. Feed Billy King, Howard Katz and whatever mascot you've got these days to a wood chipper

8. Institute the FTT Naughty Cheerleaders option

9. Purge all corporate naming from the building, and rename the place The Andrew Toney Arena

10. Win the lottery and draft Durant