Rich, Smokey Goodness

Off to a 2-1 start, with only the Cards-Pirates hopeless failures with men on base to prevent perfection. (The ChiSox went Ordonez on Huston Street in a non-save situation, and King Felix was remarkably unlike Jeff Weaver against the Sox.)

Side note -- holy crap! -- first place is an interview with the man himself? I have Lucille questions to ask. I have a need to know his favorite way to insult Pussy Clemens. When McGwire and Canseco shot each other up with roids, did they do that Bash Brothers thing afterward? Is Rickey Henderson really from outer space? Why does your bobblehead talk to me in a surprisingly high-pitched voice every time I'm huffing glue? (Note: The interview may not last long.)

Braves over Nationals moneyline -- Sometimes, you just have to suck up the bad moneyline. John Smoltz, at home, versus a team that's showing as much life as Bush's Social Security plans. Have to love it when a team is tits-up before Tax -- no, Opening -- Day. How long until they move back to Montreal? (I'd also take the runline, but Bob Wickman has a bad habit of making things interesting.)

Tigers-Blue Jays over -- Maroth vs. Ohka? Ten runs might happen from either team, so I'm taking the over. Little-known fact: Tomo Ohka, in Korean, translates as "santorum." (See Dan Savage and/or Urban Dictionary. A better thought -- don't.)

Sox over Mariners money and runline - Ride the whipsaw back, with Tim Wakefield befuddling the young M's. Jarrod Washburn has a 4.66 career ERA against Boston, spells his name like a bad sandwich pimp, and has a pronounced case of JFK's Head Motion (back -- and to the right). He's going to get lit up faster than Britney Spears in rehab. (Speaking of tits up...) We're shaking our moneymaker with the moneyline and the 1.5 runline.

P.S. Rain out in Boston, the Tigers-Jays miss the over by one freaking run, and the Braves do nothing for Smoltz in a 2-0 loss. Good grief.

Season record: 2-3