OOOH, It's A Free For All!

Actual news item after check marks.

Actual FTT Snarkiness, not. (And yes, that is The Nuge, back when it was about the music, not the killing.)

> Interpublic has signed a deal with TiVo Stop Watch that will give it access to the most granular ratings possible: second-by-second.

1) When will we go to the two-way camera, so the rating info can check to see if I'm taking the Browns to the Super Bowl? Or -- gasp! -- just not paying attention, probably because I'm using a laptop?

2) Does this also mean that we can impact sports coverage by fast-forwarding past certain players? "I'm sorry, Smush Parker, but you just don't test well. We're going to have to replace you with Scottie Pippen." (Like the Zen Prick isn't just begging for an excuse.)

> Nuggets beat Spurs.

Unlike the Warriors-Mavs series where everyone was biting on the dog, I was more than tempted to go with Denver here; Bruce Bowen and Tim Duncan have a lot of wear on the tires, and in a whistle-happy playoff basketball environment, AI and Melo can get to the line 30 times a game.

But at the end of the day, I just can't see Furious George on the winning side of a 1 vs. 8 series, and Nene looking like a good contract.

As Kent Brockman says, "Time will tell."

> New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady is the celebrity face of Stetson fragrances, signing a two-year-plus deal to be the brand's spokesperson and appear in a new campaign... "His allure extends off the football field, and he is widely known for his distinctive masculinity and irresistible character," notes (Stetson) Chief Executive Officer Bernd Beetz. TV spots will hit the air in September...

1) This is my early candidate for the "Our Country" gouge-your-eyes-out ad buy of the upcoming NFL season, though it's hard to imagine Stetson has the bankroll to go into heavy rotation.

2) Trying to get in the head of the ad agency on this one... Because nothing quite smells like a rugged and quiet Western gentleman than... peaking too soon, making season-ending mistakes, and impregnating multiple people you are not married to? (Why yes, still bitter about the Eagles losing in the SB. Why do you ask?)

3) At least, we suppose, that proves to Stetson that Brady is straight, unlike the majority of NFL QBs. Not that there's anything wrong with that!

(Oh, you didn't know? Well, we won't be so tacky as to name names.)

> NBC has cut a deal with U.S. Figure Skating... covering the organization's championships for the next three years. The pact includes Saturday night prime-time coverage of the women's free skate competition... The format has been remade for TV, with all finals on weekends and aired live, but with none scheduled opposite pro football. NBC Sports & Olympics Chairman Dick Ebersol says the deal is "almost like creating [a] final four of figure skating."

Um, No. The Final Four involves a lot of betting, underdogs from nowhere, compelling drama where the winners and the losers are clearly delineated, and an outpouring of joy from a shared community of fans.

What you have is Stupid Human Tricks on Ice, performed by people who have devoted their lives to a pursuit that is neither Art nor Sport, with no real surprises. Sports have scoreboards, not judges. In Sports, you don't have to be pretty to win. Art occurs between frames, not hockey rink boards.

I have no doubt that people will watch, and no problem that people will watch. But this is Not Sports. Stop selling it as what it is not.

> Topps, fresh off 15% deficits, is looking to (a) take a $385 million bid to take the company private, and (b) introduce interactive cards, which use CD-ROM and RFID tech to have cards battle opponents on television screens, like in video games.

We're going out on a limb here.., if you are spending a lot of money on these things, you might want to consider a Life Upgrade. Suggestions involve traveling to other countries, reading more books, purchasing actual art, dining on better food, etc. Life is too short to spend all of it in adolescence.

But anyway... those Darn Kids stop buying cards and get into the Pokemon and the Bukkake and the YouTubing. So now cards will have to get all souped-up and even more stupid?

We're down, but only if this can somehow mutate into the cards letting us create Revisionist History Moments. When my '93 Mitch Williams shuts down the Jays, and the Blue Snow Phils win the Series, only then will the scars heal. Or, um, not.

> HBO in talks with Ultimate Fighting Championship

Once again, FTT predicts the future! (Link) Now, all we need is for the cable giant to demand fewer fights, with more hype, and painful announcing. We'll take care of this popularity problem fast!