Monday, November 30, 2015

Top 10 reasons why Kobe Bryant is retiring

Can't Live Without The Smush
10) Wants some of that sweet Rocking Chair and Denture Grip swag

9) Wants to go out on damn near absolute bottom

8) There aren't any other reasons yet to watch this Laker team

7) Being the worst shooter in the NBA can only get you minutes for so long

6) Will finally have time to go to Colorado and find the real rapists

5) Wanted to be sure to get one last, utterly undeserved, All-Star Game appearance

4) A man can only keep up and comers like Nick Young and Lou Williams on the bench for so long

3) Can't resist playing himself in daily fantasy sites, and is getting killed

2) He's not hurt, just turrible

1) It's just not the same without teammates like Dwight Howard, Steve Nash, Gary Payton, Karl Malone, Isaiah Rider, Kwame Brown, Adam Morrison and Smush (Smush!) Parker

Sunday, November 29, 2015

Top 10 NFL Week 12 Ad Questions

Oooh baby baby get dirty
10) Is one of the signs of unusual behavior for Tamiflu gigantism?

9) Do you need to rely on wishing to afford a Mercedes?

8) Are Ford van owners prone to hallucinations about their tools?

7) Is timestop a side effect of Cialis, and if so, can I use that at my local casino?

6) Does owning an Acura make you lose all short-term memory and tolerate kids leaving toys all over the place?

5) If the Marines are all about bringing in aid, what's with all of the guns?

4) Does owning an Intel processor make you more willing to engage in activities that could kill you?

3) Can I own an LG phone without making twee selfie videos?

2) Why is Wal-Mart making a big deal out of home-made gifts that clearly did not come from their terrible Third World facories?

1) Can you have a truck commercial without mud?

Thursday, November 26, 2015

The Worst Case Chip Kelly Scenario

Sometimes, It's This Obvious
So what was your favorite moment from the Lions - Eagles game, folks? I think mine was Detroit Lions WR Calvin Johnson scoring multiple TDs on single coverage against rookie CB Eric Rowe, who was only in the game due to an injury to starting CB Nolan Carroll. In these plays, you had the entire failure of the Chump Kelly Era on full display, in that you have a mindless defensive move putting a player in the greatest possible place for failure, just because changing the scheme in any way was beyond the abilities of the coaching staff.

Kelly has prized versatility in his personnel selections and training... so Rowe has spent time as a corner, a nickel, and a safety. He's also not been on the field very much, because he hasn't been judged as better than street meat EJ Biggers as a slot man... but since he looks big enough to be a corner, in he goes following the injury. Against one of the five best WRs of his era, at home, on a day when Lions QB Matthew Stafford is playing up to his full potential. In this environment, in the last meaningful football game of the season, defensive coordinator Billy Davis can only put Rowe in to a situation where he has no double team help, where the high-priced mediocrity on the other side, CB Brandon Maxwell, is free to jog around and escape primary blame in the second-straight beatdown. Just as Davis did last year, when the season was going down in flames because Bradley Fletcher couldn't defend anyone, and kept getting singled up against Odell Beckham and Dez Bryant.

You've heard how Patriots coach Bill Belichick always takes away your primary option? The Eagles in the Kelly Era always want to give you that option. Whoever your best guy is, they will have an opportunity to shine. There's honestly no reason or evidence that this team scouts games, or knows anything about the other team's personnel. This Megatron guy? Clearly no better than Golden Tate. Don't guard him any different.

We've heard, from this fraud, how culture beats scheme. Which is nonsense writ large, because there is no one choosing you to have one or the other. What it has meant, as shorthand, is that the players who were tossed aside were Bad People and Secret Losers, because they didn't buy into what the coach was selling.

But what does it say about your culture where a rookie with very few snaps is hung out to dry? What does it say about your culture when players jog after ball carriers, because they've lost any of the want that is required to play defense at the NFL level? What does it say that in blowouts, you punt, because you just want the game to end as fast as possible? What does it say when four Pro Bowl players from the offense you inherited are gone for no return on investment, but that Riley Cooper and Miles Austin and Mark Sanchez and other Get Along Can't Play people are here?

What it says is that they aren't winning another game this year. What it says is that Kelly *has* to go, no matter what kind of photos he has of owner Jeff Lurie, no matter how little the team wants to be seen as bowing to the mob with torches and pitchforks.

Sometimes, the mob is right. Sometimes, it really is as obvious as it is right now, that the team is in a shambles, that very little that Chump has done has worked, that the team has no QB, no WR1, no RB1, no CB1, no DC, no HC, and is one of the five worst teams in the NFL. Continuing down this path is just bad money and time after good. Telling yourselves the lie that the talent is acceptable, that the coaching will come around, and that this is anything but a tear-down now, is just pissing down the back of the fan base, and telling them it's rain.

There are no other franchises in town that are doing anything else of worth, of course. Baseball season is five months away. The NBA Draft, where the Sixers fan base might finally feel hope again, is eight months away. The fan base will cry for blood, and if they don't get it, will go find something else to occupy their time.

That, by the way, is the *best* case scenario for Kelly; that the fan base is so turned off by this train wreck that they can "work" in relative calm. The worst case is that the scorn that's felt fuels deranged behavior and over-the-top demonstrations, and feeds the national media's need and narrative that Philadelphia Fan is an over the top hate monster, rather than pretty much the same person that watches sports in every other major city. Which means that Next Coach will not see this as an opportunity in a big city, with a great facility, where the owner will give you all the power you'd ever want, so long as you give him the hope that he might finally be seen as smart, rather than absentee.

Five games left. They can't all be as bad as the last two. Or can they?

Eagles - Lions Takeaways

Caption Is Too Much Effort
> In a microcosm of the year, Brent Celek scored and got hurt

> RBs Theo Riddick and Joique Bell were wide open on routes from the backfield, which doesn't say much for Mychal Kendricks, or how the pass defense has just fallen apart after the loss of MLB Jordan Hicks

> Just to make sure the team beatdown was total, K Caleb Sturgis missed an early figgie

> If there is a defense in the NFL that produces more comfort than the Eagles in the last two weeks, I haven't seen it

> When Mssrs. Buck and Aikman can see your personnel flaws, they are visible from space

> When the Lion offense failed to score a touchdown on a drive in this game, it was a matter of unforced error, rather than any actual act of defense

> Rookie CB Eric Rowe got solo coverage on WR Calvin Johnson, because DC Billy Davis knows no other scheme than Line Them Up And See What Happens

> The game-ending drive to end the game that lead off the second half was in no way like last week's game-ending drive to start the second half

> For the second straight week, Chump Kelly punted and quit on his team, because he's got nearly as much heart as his defense

> Third down sacks against this offense are so obvious, I kept wondering why Kelly wouldn't just start punting on third

> Before Detroit took their foot off the gas, the defense gave up 80 points in 100 minutes

> I'd add in more takeaways from the fourth quarter, but that would be showing more effort than the Eagles

> This is the franchise's first loss on Thanksgiving, the official end of any post-season chance, and the very last moment that anyone in the NFL needs to regard Kelly as anything but a punchline

FTT Off-Topic: Ten Thanksgivings Past

Yup, Yup
Not sports, big Internet, move along or not.

This year, to be blunt, Thanksgiving is a bit of a challenge. It's been a difficult year with work instability, the challenges of raising 10 and 15 year old kids that get in their own way a lot... and the usual fun of being, well, in your mid to late '40s, with issues in re time and energy and so on. Combine that with terrible sports teams, and a house filled with projects that are pretty much going to have to happen this weekend, and I haven't been the most grateful of persons.

So I started remembering past holidays.Many of which have been less thankful than this one.

1989. I'm six months away from graduating college, provided I can just somehow get through two absolutely jammed semesters worth of classes, internships and work while not, well, starving or passing out. Without the time or money to go home for the holidays, I make the choice to stay and work 4 straight 17-hour days as a security guard, double-shifting while the rest of the force is home or off. I catch up on all of my studies, make enough money to get through Christmas, learn songs on guitar, and watch the Buddy Ryan Eagles beat the living garbage out of a young Troy Aikman in a 27-0 beatdown. I pretty much spend 4 days in solitude, and start doubting my sanity. Happy Thanksgiving.

1995. I'm married to my first wife, who is an amazing chef, beautiful, funny, and desperately unhappy and on edge. We're hosting a big meal in our Center City Philadelphia apartment, with a roaring fire in the fireplace, about a dozen disenfranchised from family guests, and everything has to be just so -- from place settings to presentation to courses and so on. Everything looks amazing, everything comes out right, and what should be a great evening is just awash in tension, stress, and the sense that any moment, it could all come crashing down in a fight for the ages. Less than a year later, we divorce. I think I knew it then, but just wasn't ready to admit it.

1998. I'm in San Diego on vacation with my then girlfriend, eventual second wife. We've flown out to visit my brother and his wife, and gone to Disneyland for the hell of it, when the rare event of Southern California rain happens. The park clears out, but we stay and eventually have the rides more or less to ourselves, because the best ones are inside, and people in that part of the world freak out about rain. We ride Space Mountain and an Indiana Jones jeep ride eight times in two hours, like we're hopped up on a sugar rush. It was, honestly, an incredibly important part of the courtship. In a month, in a diner on Christmas Eve, I propose.

1999. I'm married to my second and current wife, but thanks to spectacular missteps, I live in Oregon and have lost my job, which means I'm just scrambling like mad through consulting jobs and interviews, trying to find the next gig. Meanwhile, my wife lives in University City with her ex-mother-in-law, and is pregnant with our first child. We have a marvelous evening and meal, trying our best not to worry about the future, or how I'm going to have to fly out again and back to the empty house and pets. I still have no idea how we got through that time.

2000. Our first Thanksgiving in California has my wife, baby, dogs and mother-in-law. With just the one car and a commute that takes an hour and a quarter, things seem OK, but I'm already on the second gig out there in the middle of the dot-com bust. Three weeks later, what seemed like a stable port in the storm fails as well, and for the third time in 14 months, I'm trying to find a new gig with nothing in the way of savings.

2003. The start-up is going well, and we've got a chance at an IPO, which might result in enough money to actually afford a home in the crazed Bay Area market. After three months of seeing what our money might buy (short answer: terrible places that would be awful to live in), we start to investigate greater Sacramento. The houses are brand new and beautiful, and I make enough to afford living there, but the drive out is interminable, and you're living in gated communities, in instant towns, surrounded by migrant farm workers. Our child, normally a great car baby, screams the whole way out, and is quiet the whole way back. We wind up deciding not to do it, and within five years, the market has cratered, and the area where we were looking has become overrun with meth labs and squatter houses.

2006. We've moved back to the East Coast following a hire for a NYC start up, and I start five years of taking trains into the city from the greater Princeton area. The new house is great, but the eldest misses California and has issues with her school, which will eventually lead to a year of home schooling before middle school. I don't really know anyone, and the commute is a bear, but we have new problems.

2011. Three start ups have come and gone, and I've landed at a work from home gig where I work for people who I knew from California. The work is demanding and the management has obvious issues, but I like the people, and it's nice to get off the train. Thanksgiving comes after a mess of flights back and forth to California, and I'm in one of those rare but wonderful places where I can just think about work, and have it actually be about, well, work.

2013. The last time I've seen my niece, who has since dropped out of college and gone to work in a vape shop. She used to be an at-risk kid who I could take to a music store and supplement her collection with things that I knew she'd like. Now, she's pretty much someone that I'm not going to see, because it just doesn't make any sense for her to be seen. It's also the first time I've been out of my cave in weeks, because the start up I'm working for is just doing an unholy amount of business, and it's all falling on my team. My manager is profuse in her praise, and I get a bonus that I wasn't counting on. A month later, I win a poker prize for another unexpected cash out. It's just about the last time in the next two years that money and prospects seem highly promising.

2014. We're knee deep in the final Q4 rush for the last doomed start up, and while we're busy, I know that we're not really busy enough to cover what's needed in the future. The new puppy is a problem (he still is) at the table, and we eat in the front room in a new configuration that makes the house seem like a strange restaurant. I can't quite enjoy the meal the way I should, because work worries are like that. Three months later, my position is eliminated, leading to six months of consulting, scrambling, readjustments and stress, before the next gig is found.

2015. Yet to be written. But I'm not looking forward to starting it with having to start the day with this dumpster fire of a football team. Also, I've overdone running today, in anticipation of not doing much tomorrow, and my wife and eldest can't shake illness. Not promising. Still, won't be as bad as others; can't be, really.

My your holiday be safe, serene, and relaxing. And if it's not, may it be memorable.

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