Thursday, May 17, 2007

NBA Playoffs To Be Euthanized

(Roiders) In a decision that seems sure to spark a national controversy, ESPN and TNT have announced a joint plan to euthanize the NBA Playoffs.

The patient was, up until a week ago, a vibrant and attractive member of the playoff sports community. “She just had this spark, you know?” said ESPN columnist Bill Simmons, fighting to hold back tears. “The way she moved, the funny things she said, the memories she made … I’ll never forget her. I guess I’m still in shock that it all ended so quickly. I have not been this depressed since a half dozen friends that I’m contractually obligated to mention every fifteen seconds and I realized the New England Patriots were not going to win the Super Bowl last year.”

Many observers feel that the Playoffs were fatally compromised by the league’s decision to suspend two Phoenix Suns players, Amare Stoudemire and Boris Diaw, for a minor rules infraction before last night’s pivotal Game Five in Phoenix. The Spurs won despite the absence of their own suspended player, Robert Horry, after not having the lead for most of the game, but the outcome of the game will always bear the stigma of the league’s decision.

“You see how the NBA decided to suspend three black men, even though a white man, Steve Nash, was at the center of the controversy?” said religious leader Al Sharpton, who was passing by the press conference at the time and attracted by the bright lights. “I’m not saying the NBA is racist, or that you can lose fifteen pounds in ten days with my new diet book, ‘Al Sharpton Drops The Truth And Weight.’ But I am saying that my morning drive-time radio show is a great way to start your day, and can be heard five days a week on many fine radio stations all over the country. Check your local listings.”

Others, however, feel that the cause of death lies deeper than the marquee series. “The New Jersey Nets won a road playoff game last night where they scored six points in the fourth quarter,” said assisting TNT physician Charles Barkley. “That puts a team that is just at .500 for the year just two wins away from reaching the conference finals. We felt that, in the best interests of the quality of life and simple human dignity, that it was just time to turn the page.”

The decision to terminate life is strongly opposed by many of the league’s eight surviving local fan bases. “We have a culture of playoff life in this country,” said Spurs coach Gregg Popovich, a leading basketball fundamentalist. “Even if that means a terminal case of Spurs-Pistons, accompanied by the grueling day-in, day-out challenges that are always present when watching your league’s finals brings on late stage Alzheimer’s, we feel that only God and David Stern has the right to terminate life. We will appeal to a higher court.”

6 comments:

mookie said...

classic.

gomezticator said...

I had an idea to revamp the NBA playoffs: do a conference round robin format. Alternate each team's opponent, instead of making two teams play each other over a 7 game series. If you lose four games, you're out. Continue alternating teams until one team is left in each conference, THEN do a best of seven series for the NBA Finals.

To make the best-of-seven NBA finals, you should have to play everyone in the playoffs, rather than just one team at a time.

Anonymous said...

That would give us great playoff drama from natural rivals like the Cavs and Rockets, Nets and Nuggets, and Magic and Spurs. Also, since the games would be all over the place, play them all in neutral locations.

Did you get this idea before or after eating the paste?

Anonymous said...

A simple plan: 3-5-7.
Best 3, best of 5 then best of 7.

gomezticator said...

Huh? That comment doesn't even make sense!

gomezticator said...

The 3rd one, i.e. the natural rivals one, not the 3-5-7 one.