Friday, May 18, 2007

Wallow In This Top 10 Spurs-Pistons Finals List

We have about two weeks, Gentle Readers who are probably here on a mistaken Google search for the word “porn” or “titties”, before the worst sequel experience since, well, the image to left. Sorry to have to do that to everyone.

(Camera change, dramatic zoom in, arched eyebrow) Or is it?

FTT’s crack team of crack smokers has cranked up the list for all of us who are holding out hope for an NBA playoff final that keeps us from working on the drywall. You know, for the comparative visual excitement.

10. It is inevitable.
Might as well, as Bobby Knight says, lie back and enjoy it.

9. By Game Four, after every other possible story of remote human interest is covered, we’ll learn what Nazr Muhammad is up to.

8. There’s always the chance that Bruce Bowen and Robert Horry will embrace their new status as the Worst Basketball Bad Guys Since Hitler, and show up for press conferences in wrestling tights with bad French accents they learned from Tony Parker.

Come on, Bruce and Bob. Do it for the kids.

7. The finals could, especially in the wake of the Stoudamire-Diaw-Horry suspension fiasco, put the rare species NBA Apologistia on the endangered list.

Since we are frequently in that species, we will then be able to get a big fat check from the government to get free access to NBA League Pass, and maybe some full-time conservation staff to protect us from our natural predator (drywall).

And if you doubt it will happen, consider this chilling fact – Democrats control Congress. With the extra money they are going to pay me, I’m going to buy flags to burn at gay weddings. It’s always so festive.

6. Spurs-Pistons could get Mike Brown fired.

Unfair for a team that has made the third round? No. If the Cavs stagger past the Nets, they will just continue the least convincing playoff “run” in NBA history. Beating the Washington Wiz without Agent Zero is only marginally more difficult than beating the Washington Generals. The Nets’ best big man is, seriously, Mikki Moore. The judges are not giving them much for the degree of difficulty here.

A Pistons-Cavs series could be nearly as unwatchable as Cavs-Nets, leading to an intervention moment for LeBron James and his cohorts. For anyone that misses Young LeBron, the one that passed the ball and gave a crap, this is six months too late, but better late than never.

5. Spurs-Jazz could make Carlos Boozer lovable.

Well, no, of course not, but the Spurs have that whole Hitler thing going for them.

So does that make the man who destroyed Cleveland more Stalin or Mussolini?

(Camera switch, zoom close up, arched eyebrow) Only time will tell.

4. More national media coverage to piss off Detroit.

You might remember that in previous years where the Pistons have made the Finals, ABC windbag Jimmy Kimmel was able to get people to write about his show by pointing out that the city might burn to the ground in the event of a Pistons win. Kimmel remains employed, so clearly the gambit worked for him.

We’re ready for the onslaught of ratings-starved talk show hosts – ok, not Oprah, but maybe The View, especially if they’re hurting for bombast in a post O-Donnell era – to weigh in with their views on whether Sheed or Duncan is better at making an incredulous face following a foul call, or what game Bowen removes Prince’s gall bladder by accident.

Note to media types: Someone, really, needs to play the other side and Mess With Texas. Yes, we have all heard the warnings, but there is free press to be had. Richard Oliver is just itching to take this bait.

Plus, they’re all worse than Hitler. Don’t forget that.

3. Tony Parker, in a rap battle on Eight Mile, against Detroit’s finest.

This alone could revitalize Eminem’s career, but only if he leaves the D12 guys in the limo.

2. Jerome Bettis needs the TV time. Did you know he is from Detroit?

1. The Pistons in the Finals keeps attention away from the Lions and Matt Millen, who only needs five more years to complete his impossible dream of a team that is entirely composed of wide receivers.

From a purely mad scientist perspective, Millen’s research MUST CONTINUE. Stopping it now would BE DISASTROUS!


Anonymous said...

Oh, wow... this kind of stuff has started *already*. Yawn.

Anonymous said...

The biggest story of the finals should be Tim Duncan finally admitted that he might have actually committed one or two fouls before in his life.

Anonymous said...

I love this game!

Anonymous said...

Spurs rule!

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