Brett Favre Party Tips

Are you ready to step up your partying game to first-ballot Hall of Fame status? Then take a few tips from Packers legend and beacon of pure light and goodness, Brett Favre.

In an FTT exclusive, Brett took a few minutes away from his busy day of Not Retiring Or Asking For A Trade to give us his tips for rocking the house.

FTT: Brett, thanks for taking the time today. Is that a Broncos jersey you are wearing?

BF: What, this? Oh, it's just a gift from Coach Shanahan, or as I like to call him, Mikey Mike. He and I go way back. It’s such a shame they haven’t had a serious QB since Elway. I feel bad for them.

Can I get you anything? I just got these fine-cut crystal flutes from the good people over at Niner headquarters. See how the logo is cut into the stem, and how it reflects the light? That's class.

FTT: Neat. Um, sure, I guess I'll have some water.

BF: Here's some artisan water from the Buffalo Bills. The team has it bottled from a pristine lake in upstate New York, just below the Canadian border. It's the little things that tell you a team is committed to winning.

FTT: Very refreshing, and thank you. Now, on to serious party business. A big entrance sets the tone for the whole event, doesn't it?

BF: I have to disagree with you there. What you want to do is slip in quietly, unnoticed, and badly dressed, or maybe with a set of dorky glasses. Next, make a bunch of innocent but relatively crippling social mistakes. You know, like hit on someone's wife because you didn't know she was married, or break something by accident. That way, people start to form an opinion about you as A Gunslinger. That's absolutely critical. It will give you leeway to really branch out later.

FTT: Interesting. So what you are saying is that you've got to have time to find your partying stride. I like your collection of NFL bobbleheads, by the way.

BF: Aren't they awesome? I had those privately commissioned, and I've got me in all 32 teams. I love the way I look wearing the Cowboys’ stars.

Anyway, as I was saying, you've got to build your way up. Now, about an hour into the party, you want to start playing your power cards. If there's music, now is a good time to show your moves. I've spent years in training for all kinds of dance - ballroom, tap, ballet, falling down for Michael Strahan - to give me the edge.

This is also a great time to peel off those bad clothes and dork glasses, especially if you've been working on your abs. At this point, if you've played your cards right, that wife you hit on earlier is starting to chew her lip and daydream.

FTT: I had no idea this was so complicated. Hey, a quick side question -- why does your big screen TV have a "Compliments of the Miami Dolphins" sash on it?

BF: That? Oh, no reason. You meet so many great people in football -- Wayne Huizenga's such a kidder. Anyway, when it's time to take a break from the dancing, I like to "forget" that I brought really good wine for the party hosts, and it's in the car.

Now, here's the thing about the wine -- it's got to be excellent. You can't go too big on the wine. I realize it's a big commitment, but this is your party reputation you are talking about.

Also, it really helps if it's spiked with ecstasy.

FTT (spit-take): Isn't that illegal? Jeez, I'm sorry about that.

BF: No worries -- I'll just wipe it up with one of my fine chamois drop cloths that Coach Gruden -- Johnny, I call him -- from the Tampa Bay Buccaneers is always sending me. He knows that ol' Brett is partial to the high thread count.

FTT: Isn't ecstasy illegal, not to mention something of a criminal act to give to people without their knowledge?

BF: Not when you're a Gunslinger, baby! Besides, you've set the stage now to really do some damage. Dance for all you're worth. Get the girls all hot and bothered, then whisper in their ear that the guys that aren't dancing are really into them -- and that you want to see what they'd do with you on the guy over there first.

See if you can get a couple of them grinding each other, too -- no reason to be jealous, sweet child. There's plenty Gunslinger to go around.

In no time, you'll be leading the hottest party ever, with people swearing that you are the best party animal that has ever been. It helps a lot if you have other people saying this, so don't be afraid to pay a few people to do that. Just make sure they seem really, really sincere, and tell them to keep saying that. For years.

FTT: I think I'm going to be sick.

BF: Let me know if you are. I’ve got some bags from the Oakland Raiders that will help.

Now, a little while later, things will start to wind down. Some people will crash from the ecstasy, others will get tired, et cetera. Here's the critical thing -- do not, under any circumstances, leave.

FTT: But... but what if you have the two girls all ready to, you know, go somewhere more private?

BF: Lead them on by *talking* about leaving, but just don't leave. You've got to stay committed to the party. I think of this as a little side game to play -- see how long you can stretch it out. I once did this for an entire week on a skiing vacation. Remember, you're the party legend, the one that everyone else is looking to for drama in their lives. You've got records to set. A reputation to uphold. Personal honor.

Besides, as the hour gets later, that's when you can really start breaking stuff. Remember that "accidental" breakage earlier? Go nuts with that. I like to start there, then build up to the urination, vomiting, and arson.

FTT: Did you say arson?

BF: Sure. Remember, you're going for legend status here. You can't be afraid to throw deep.

Speaking of which, you know who can’t throw deep? Matt Leinart of the Arizona Cardinals. I think the Cardinals could really be dangerous if they had a QB who could get the ball down the field.

FTT: But if someone invited you into their home for a party, and paid for your drinks and food, does that really mean they deserve to have their house burned down?

BF: Look, when you're a Gunslinger, you've got sling some guns.

I'm not saying this plan is right for everyone, but Brett Favre only knows one way to party.

And if you're committed to true party greatness, you know what I'm talking about.

FTT (wiping away tears): That was beautiful.

BF (also crying): I know. I know.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to take this call from the Kansas City Chiefs. I have no idea what it is about. Don’t these people realize that I’m going to retire as a Green Bay Packer, and that it's going to happen this Sunday?

FTT: Wait! Holy crap! Are you retiring? What a scoop this would be for the blog, Brett. We’d have the story first. Are you really retiring?

BF: I’m sorry, but this interview is over. Happy partying!