The Rules Have Changed

Dear Young Athletes,

We’re going to make this short and to the point, because we know that you can’t read anything that’s too long.

Your MySpace page? Delete it.

Your sex video? Burn it.

Your friends with cameras cell phones who drink with you?

Destroy their phones.

And in the future, drink only in an unlit cave.

Unfair? Sure.

Paranoid? Yes indeedy.

A stinging rebuke to the freedoms and dreams that you have spent most of your waking life hoping to achieve? Who writes your inner monologues, anyway?

From now on, just do what any number of scared straight fundie kids have done – commit yourself to the belief that A VENGEFUL GOD IS WATCHING YOU EVERY WAKING MINUTE OF THE DAY, AND IS JUST LOOKING FOR AN EXCUSE TO SEND YOUR SORRY ASS STRAIGHT TO HELL.

AND HE’S GOT A CELL PHONE CAMERA.

Then, and only then, will you have the chance – just the chance – of getting through your public years with a trace amount of dignity.

Failing that, you could always wear a mask. Sunglasses. And a big hat.

Love,

Your Friends at FTT