Today In More Than True MLB History

1901 - Earl Smith of the Cleveland Indians throws the very first palmball, and gets lit up in a 12-2 loss to the Tigers. Seriously, was there ever a pitcher that got people out throwing that crap? Someone find Earl Smith's descendants and mock them.

1919 – Boston pitcher Carl Mays, who will later this year kill Cleveland shortstop with a beanball in MLB’s only on-field fatality that did not involve Albert Belle, is found working in his basement with rope, formaldehyde, and garden tools. Neighborhood children are hastily taken from his presence.

1927 - Babe Ruth beds four women, two dogs and a sheep in an all night session of debauchery, then hits a 2-run double in the Yankees 7-3 win over the Browns while eating, and still legally drunk.

Afterward, smoking a cigar while getting the "Happy Ending" massage from a clubhouse attendant, Ruth says to the press, "Who wants ice cream? I do, I do!"

1937 - Ernie Lombardi did something or other, but the only thing anyone will remember was that he had a large nose. Lombardi utters his trademark phrase after the game, "No bother."

1960 - Tony Gwynn is born, naked, soiled, and screaming. In future years, he will study the 8mm film of the birth relentlessly to motivate himself against certain pitchers.

1973 - Johnny Bench takes Steve Carlton deep three times in a 9-7 Reds win over the Phillies, as part of Carlton's whole disaster year following the 1972 Cy Young award. In the locker room after the game, Carlton is handed a pamphlet from a mysterious reporter, which lists Bench as a member of the Illuminati. Carlton nods knowingly as sinister background music is played.

1978 - Aaron Harang is born. No, seriously. You remember the Carter Administration, or the Iran hostage crisis? Aaron Harang doesn't. Punk. Goddamn it, I'm old.

1979 - Brandon Webb is born, and suckles at his mother low, preventing fly balls.

1981 - Charlie Lea of the Montreal Expos becomes the first French-born player to throw a no-hitter in a 4-0 win over the Giants. In the darkly lit Expos clubhouse after the game, Lea says while smoking a cigarette, "It zis nothing, you see? I am French, no?", then makes that pop noise with his mouth. The Quebec media replies with "Ah-hunh-hunh-hunh" noises of appreciative laughter.

We have exclusive footage of The Truth's reaction to that last entry. Roll the clip.



1984 - After playing 17 innings the night before, the White Sox and Brewers play for another eight innings, then their regularly scheduled game. String theory posits that there is a parallel universe where this game is still going on. In that universe, Harold Baines can not stop screaming.

1987 - Baltimore's Eddie Murray becomes the first major league to pleasure himself from both sides of the plate in consecutive games. Said Murray after the game, though only to himself and under his breath, "Awww, yeah."

1993 – The “Blue Snow” Phillies team of Kruk, Dykstra, Incaviglia, Schilling, Williams, Hollins, Eisenreich and Kim Batiste has their 500th media story of the year that cites them for their wackiness and quotability. In response, Curt Schilling puts a towel on his head.

1999 - Some bush leaguer that never did anything in the majors (Marshall McDougall) hits six consecutive home runs and drives in 16 in Florida State's 26-2 win over Maryland. Why no one threw at him or walked him, we will never know.

In other news, Bob Gibson just beat his dog.

2001 - Jeromy Burnitz hits three homers in an 11-1 Brewer win over the Cubs. Burnitz winds up making over $46 million dollars in just his MLB career, which is probably at least 20 times more money than you will ever make in your life, and that's even if those stock options of yours ever pan out, which you know they won't.

And his parents can’t even spell his name right! I hate Jeromy Burnitz!

Now, go back to your work like a good little cube slave, and get those TPS reports done. Yeahhhhh, that’ll be greaaaattttt.



2006 - Devil Rays prospect Delmon Young throws a bat at a replacement umpire, and is suspended for 50 games. The media ignores the story, in deference to to Young's age and a lack of good footage.