Britches pound Texas, Hookers shock Butchers

The Philthy Britches crushed the Texas Hustlers in the first game of a derby doubleheader at the 23rd Street Armory on Saturday, but the real excitement came in the second game when Heavy Metal Hookers overcame a 21-point second half deficit to beat the Broad Street Butchers on the last jam of the game.

The Hustlers are the gran dames of WFTDA, part of the first women's flat-track league in country. (On a personal note, the Hustlers do have kickass purple uniforms. They were reminiscent of Interplanet Janet, who played a formative role in our early development.) The Britches showed no respect for their elders, though, beating the Hustlers 129-64.

It was a tight, slow game in the early going and the Britches frequently found themselves behind before taking a 44-37 lead into halftime. Texas had narrowed the lead to 48-44 when the Britches all but ended the game, erupting for 30 points in the fifth and sixth jams from Gloria Grindem and Ginger Vitis while allowing only two points.

The Britches clamped down at that point, allowing only 20 points for the rest of the game.

The Hustlers held all-everything jammer Mo Pain in check, allowing her only eight points in five jams. Many of the Hustlers were part of the all-star Texecuctioner team that lost to the Liberty Belles at the 2008 Nationals (Ed note. Philly puttin' a boot in Texas' ass again). and blocker Babe Ruthless said they knew they had to stop the Britches most dangerous jammer.

"We saw her at Nationals and knew she was an amazing scorer," Ruthless said. "We really targeted her and that allowed some of the other girls the opportunity to really shine. We underestimated some of their other jammers."

The second game looked like it would follow the same pattern of a close game at halftime blowing open after a big second half run. The Hookers held a 42-37 lead at the half, but the Butchers roared out of the locker room, scoring 15 points to the Hookers' one in the first three jams.

With the help of a 10 point jam from co-captain Persephone while Hooker jammer Ivana Rock watched from the Sin Bin, the Butchers pushed their lead to 73-58. Then a curious thing happened, the Butchers stopped scoring. At all. The wouldn't score another point the rest of the night.

Meanwhile, the Hookers weren't doing much scoring themselves, going scoreless for the next three jams. But Robin Drugstores picked up eight points with 7:31 to play and after Teflon Donna added five more, the Hookers were suddenly two points down with all the momentum on their side.

When Mandawar shot from the pack as lead jammer, it looked like the Hookers would take their first lead of the half. A penalty for a back push (Ed. note: Hey! You're learning the penalties. About damned time) cut the rally short, but she did her job, knotting the score at 73 with two minutes to play.

Ivana Rock and Elle Viento took their positions as jammers, a sneer on their lips, steel in their hearts, their very loins girded for battle (Ed. note: Dial it back, Grantland). The whistle blew and a few minutes later, Rock popped free of the pack into the lead.

The final showdown never quite materialized; Viento was sent off a penalty (Ed. note: Where's your sense of drama, ref?) and watched helplessly as Rock picked up the winning points for a final score of Hookers 83, Butchers 73.

The Liberty Belles will be on the road April 11 against the Carolina All-Stars in Raleigh, N.C. In a rematch of the 2008 Warrior Cup game, the three-time defending champion Philthy Britches will face the Broad Street Butchers at the Armory on May 2. (Correction: the Hookers are playing the Britches for the Warrior Cup. Five Tool Tool. Ackuracy is our watchword.) Be there or be square, derby fans.

Say You're Sorry, Even If You Aren't

The Lemur with the story out of Texas, where the coach of a girls high school basketball team that won by a 100-0 score was fired on Sunday (the Lord's Day!) for not apologizing over the experience.

(And before I get into any of this... well, yes, your immediate reaction might be to just make sure that your kid never gets into high school sports. Yeesh.)

The Covenant School of Dallas, a private Christian school, posted a statement regretting the outcome of its Jan. 13 shutout win over Dallas Academy. "It is shameful and an embarrassment that this happened. This clearly does not reflect a Christlike and honorable approach to competition," said the statement, signed by Kyle Queal, head of school, and board chair Todd Doshier. The coach, predictably, does not agree, and one suspects this will only end when the demon lawyers show up.

Now, a small point about this. I'm no religious expert, but since when is excellence a non-Christian value? I'm fairly sure that during the Crusades, a 100-0 casualty count for the cross-bearers would have been Just Peachy. Similarly, I've read the Book of Revelations (it's especially good when you're feeling altered), and from what I can tell, 100-0 is the point spread you should be betting at the Lake of Fire.

Oh, and just because the opponent in this case is a place that has 20 girls in the entire school, and teaches kids who are struggling with "learning differences" like short attention spans or dyslexia... well, sheesh. I'm sure those afflictions also crippled the Saracens, and some of those demons are bound to have reading problems. Cry havoc, and let loose the dogs of redemption!

Worst. Spam. Ever...

Found in my junk mail folder this morning.

San Antonio Spurs Screensaver



Note the final line -- "You will re-live the Spurs world championship every time you are at your computer."

Who's up for a class-action lawsuit?

Spurs-Cavs, Game Four, Fourth Quarter Diary

11:09 - Back to six as Van Gundy and Breen feign excitement. In general, comebacks work better when you score.

11:10 - After a Cavs putback, it's a 4 point game. This is Donyell Marshall's finest moment in the Finals. And yes, that's the first time anyone has ever written that sentence. Ever.

11:14 - Man, is Eric Snow lobbying for a coach's job or what? Of course, nature does abhor a vacuum...

11:15 - Spurs turnover leads to James driving. He's looking Uberish, but still can't finish. He's giving it up to Marshall instead. That always works! Marshall makes 1 of 2 free throws, and the Cavs cut it to 3.

11:17 -- It's like a basketball game... and yet not. Careless Cavs turnover leads to a Spurs bucket, but Parker misses again.

11:18 - JAMES CUTS IT TO ONE! WE ARE ALL WITNESSES! COME BACK, AUDIENCE!

11:19 - Bad Spurs possession, and the Cavs can take the lead... Bowen flops, no call -- James drives and scores, and the Cavs have a second half lead for the first time in the series. It kind of helps LeBron to have Oberto guarding him (WTF?)...

11:20 - Manu miss, James miss... Varejao tip board. Gibson draws a foul, then drives and hits. 3 point game, 11-0 run to start the quarter.

11:21 - Duncan reminds the world he's Tim Duncan. 63-62. The Cavs get two bad three point misses from Marshall and Jones (isn't that what they are supposed to be, you know, for?), but Varejao's finest flop of the series gets the Cavs the ball back.

It's still a one point game, and there's 5:50 left. First team to 75 wins!

11:23 - My local ABC affiliate has the same anchorman that was here when I was a kid. Jim Gardner, HD is doing you no favors.

11:25 - James miss, and then Manu rips all of the air out of the building on a crossover. With a Duncan tip of a free throw miss, it's suddenly a 3-point Spurs lead. Absolutely killer.

11:26 - James goes to the rack so that no one can accuse him of not being AGGRESSIVE. After a bail out call, he hits 1 of 2. Two point game, five minutes left.

11:27 - James steal after a Parker mistake, Varejao slams... and Manu kills them again with a very deep 3. Spurs lead by 3. It's almost exciting.

11:28 -- Duncan saves another offensive board as flopping happens all over the floor... and the Spurs get another board. This possession has lasted for five minutes... and it ends with an Oberto layup with foul, which he hits.

This was the defining moment of this game and Finals -- the Spurs playing volleyball, the Cavs making mistakes, Duncan asserting his will, ending with a Spurs role player finishing. It was sloppy and a grind, and it's what this team is.

11:33 -- OK, coming out of a Mike Brown time out, down 6 with 2:33 left. I'm thinking a Snow three. Or maybe Varejao.

11:34 - Duncan strips James. Spurs run clock, then score on an Oberto layup. Fork time... but James hits a 3. He'll need 4 or 5 more of those...

11:35 - Manu a long 3 and miss, James with an unforced turnover on the long board. You can't expect to beat a team like the Spurs when you make mistakes like this... and again, Duncan grabs the offensive board. Six o-boards for the Spurs in the fourth, to 2 for the Cavs. 5 point game with 77 seconds left.

11:36 - Manu runner, James miss, game over. Thank you, Spurs. No one needed another game of this... and the Cavs more or less give up by not trapping. A fitting end of non-coaching for this one...

11:38 - OK, the ad guys who made the McDonald's "Fillet-O-Fish" ad? You're guilty of crimes against humanity, and you make decent people spit.

11:39 - James hits a layup, Manu fouled. 24 seconds, 5 points. Unfortunately, the Cavs don't have Reggie Miller, and the Spurs were the first to 75. Manu, of course, hits both. He's got 23, 9 in the fourth.

11:40 - Varejao dunks, fouls. One more minute, America, and it's all over. Michael Finley, wearing his Mitch Richmond Memorial Participant Ring, hits 1 of 2.

11:41 - Damon Jones fouled while shooting a 3. Remarkably dumb play by Manu, but it shouldn't matter... because, um, the Cavs didn't foul before, since that would have made sense... Jones makes all 3. WE HAVE DRAMA! Tiny, stillborn drama...

11:44 - Somewhere in Cleveland, someone is making the point that the Jones free throws are the Cavs' Dave Roberts steal moment. (2004 Red Sox, Yankees, yada yada yada.)

That person is drunk.

11:45 - Duncan inbounds, Manu fouled. If he misses two, this gets a lot more interesting. He, of course, hits both. 25 now, 5 point lead with 7 seconds left.

11:46 - Mike Breen says "It appears Cleveland will run out of time." Um, Mike? Play this one as long as you like. Throw away the clock. The Spurs would win. When you sweep a team, and that team only led for a few minutes, you didn't run out of time. You just got beat.

11:47 - James hits a 3, but the Cavs' coaches and players are too busy eating paste to foul Manu before he runs seconds off the clock. Manu rattles both home to clinch. Jones hits a 3 to make people who didn't watch think it was more exciting than it was. 83-82, Spurs.

It's the Spurs third championship in the past five years, which means they'll lose next year, right? I keed, Spur Fan, I keed...

11:55 - The remaining Cavs fans boo the Spurs and the trophy, and David Stern. You have to admire the bitterness. Parker gets the MVP, and you have to feel good for that, because nice things just don't happen to him. He's the first European-board player to be the Finals MVP.

Well, that's it for the diary. Thanks for reading, and we'll have more soon...

Spurs-Cavs, Game Four, First Quarter Diary

Well, I've decided to go for maximum masochism here, and pick this mess up from the very beginning. In other news, I'm going to listen to any David Blaine commercials, and I'm wearing clothes pins on my nipples. Just thought you should, you know, get the full picture here.

9:07 - Gibson and Gooden look lively. Cavs with legs. Crowd's kinda peppy. It all adds up to... 7-4 after a James mid-range jumper. How will the Spurs respond to this remarkable surge? Sorry, I was channeling Bill Walton there.

9:10 - Finley doesn't get the Reggie Miller memorial call.

9:11 - Duncan walks, but gets the bailout bump from Gooden. That's dumb play number one from Drew...

9:12 - Duncan misses both free throws, gets the board, misses. Maybe it is Cleveland's night - that goes in every game before this one.

9:13 - Gooden misses a bad jumper choice, creating a fast break the other way. Dumb Drew, Number 2... Parker now in playoff game #100. He's 25, but with those miles, more like 27. Something to remember if you own him in a keeper league...

9:13 - Gibson nails a long 3 after an offensive board. 10-5 Cavs, Spurs still look lethargic. We see Leisure Suit Larry Hughes... in a yellow suit, on the bench. He looks good there.

9:14 - Ilgauskas, falling away, in the post against Duncan. A no hope shot. Why do the Cavs post a guy who can't do it? Oh, because their coach eats paste. I forgot.

9:15 - Duncan misses point blank, Ziggy responds with a mid-range jumper to make it 12-8. Oh, you mean he actually has utility there? Maybe they should, you know, KEEP HIM OUT THERE. IN THE HOPE THAT DUNCAN MOVES AWAY FROM THE POST.

I don't mean to overstate the case here -- the Spurs win this thing even if Mike Brown is allowed to have sharp scissors. But it's galling to watch.

9:17 - I like Steve Carell. I loke Morgan Freeman. Making them act against animals on a blue screen? That just makes Baby Jesus cry.

9:18 - ABC wants us to watch bingo. No, seriously. What's next, keno? Paint drying?

9:19 - Cavs get a steal out of the timeout. LeBron follows up with AGGRESSION! that doesn't work for him, and the Spurs inevitable fast break leads to free throws. Note that while the Spurs are methodical, this doesn't mean they are slow; they run when it's there. As always, efficiency over all.

9:20 - Gooden driving, would have dunked on anyone else in the league. Unfortunately for him, the Spurs have Duncan. Bowen hoop makes it 12-11.

9:21 - James has his mid-range jumper tonight. The game might be watchable. Manu continues to struggle, but Parker goes into warp drive -- remarkable quicks. Gibson responds with confidence.

9:22 - Parker, of course, DOES NOT CARE. This gives us a Longoria shot. Are they getting married or something? Manu scores to give the Spurs the lead, and the cavs call time.

while this has been the best played basketball of the Finals... it's still... well... not all that good. And such small portions!

9:25 - Rush Hour 3! Hallelujah! I had so many questions at the end of the last one.

9:28 -- Miss and miss after the timeout. Spus respond with a shuffling walk layup by Oberto. James then fires into double coverage. Mike James has placed his thumb into his ass. All is well.

9:29 - Varejao hits, then James gets Bowen moving the wrong way, drives and finishes. Another 200 of those, we've got a series. Cavs lead, 20-19.

9:31 - Jeff van Gundy tells us that Varejao thinks he made the right play in Game 3. Sure he did! HE'S SPECIAL! DON'T UPSET HIM, OR HE'LL EAT COACH BROWN'S PASTE!

9:32 - Bad final shot possession by the Spurs ends with Bruce "The Hitman" Bowen hitting James in the face for no call. What does this guy have to do to get the refs to give him the goon treatment? Somewhere, Ken "The Animal" Bannister is grunting in disapproval.

That's the end of the quarter, and by the standards of this series, we have Big Entertainment. Come back, audience that never was here in the first place!

(Ed. Note: No second quarter diary tonight. Parenting intrudes.)

Worst. NBA Season. Ever. ?

We blame Tony Parker. But seriously, folks...

As we continue to endure a playoff season that began as the best party ever before it changed into a Waco-level tragedy, our only question is... will this be remembered as the worst (non-lockout) season ever in the NBA?

The case for:

> Wildly noncompetitive and mostly unwatchable Finals, devoid of any drama or suspense

> At least a half dozen teams, most obviously the Celtics, threw games to better their draft position

> SunsGate and FoulGate (i.e., last night's Bowen/James no-call) will cause many to view the champions as illegitimate

> The continued existence of Bill Walton

> Trade deadline with no trades shows a league filled with GMs with no balls

> Isiah Thomas has a job

> Personal reason -- my team (the Sixers) may have never been less relevant to the Association

> Competitive imbalance between conferences has gone beyond Majors vs. AAA to Majors vs. AA

> Regular season tank jobs, both for entire teams to better their lottery chances, and for superstars not wanting to peak before the playoffs, made fantasy leagues a complete joke

> The Cavs are the worst team to appear in an NBA Finals ever, and their head coach would eat paste during the games, if he could only figure out how to get the jar open

The case against:

> Talent level is the highest of any major American team sport -- and yes, that includes the NFL, because there isn't more than six QBS you should pay to see right now

> Defensive intensity and physical fitness of players is so good, it may be a detriment

> The Warriors made the playoffs for the first time since Kurt Cobain was alive

> Mark Cuban got his comeuppance

> David Stern has fixed worse problems than this, and will do so again

> The lottery made Bill Simmons and the Celtics cry like the spoiled children they are (see reason above)

> TNT's "Inside the NBA" crew exists

> The position of "Point Guard" may be coming back into vogue (witness the growth of Tony Parker, Deron Williams and Chris Paul)

> NBA sports bloggers like True Hoop, YaySports, Free Darko and yes, begrudgingly, the bombed-out remains of Bill Simmons have upped the ante on coverage and analysis

> Isiah Thomas has a job

And the final verdict is... FOR!

The judges would like to thank Anderson "George Gervin's Short Bus Friend" Varejao for breaking the logjam. We'll be sending him a Participant trophy and some instructions on opening jars of paste. He can enjoy both while watching our new video, "Anderson Varejao: Come Wet The Bed With Me."

Spurs-Cavs, Game Three, Fourth Quarter Diary

11:05 -- $15,000 for a scalper seat in this game. I'm thinking the person who bought that isn't loving the purchase right now.

11:06 - Donyell Marshall and Damon Jones, on the floor at once, in a close game. Wow, this is an NBA Finals team. Scary.

11:07 - Manu with miss number 6. Marshall matching him, miss for miss. Barry does what Barry does, giving the Spurs an 8-point lead. You know, it's a shame someone has to win this game.

11:09 - Call me a wuss if you like, but if I see a train in my rear-view mirror, even if it is dispensing beer and a refreshingly cold wind, I'm probably soiling myself.

11:10 -- Adam Sandler *and* Kevin James? Whoa, that's just too much comedy. "Chuck and Larry", that's just unfair!

11:11 -- James clangs for 3. Duncan turns the ball over. Jones misses a 3. Cavs have not taken a free throw in the second half. Aren't you glad I'm watching this, so you don't have to?

11:12 -- James to the hoop, pretty finish and the bonus. Basketball doesn't have to make you want to stab your eyes. Good to know! 60-53, Spurs.

11:14 - Gooden grabs rebound number 10, then hits the open jumper. 5 point game, and a double-double for the Weeper. Duncan, of course, senses the momentum and answers. He's the Terminator of NBA superstars.

11:15 -- Duncan narrowly avoids his fifth foul on a drive from Gooden. He makes both to bring it back to 5 with 7:37 left. Parker does his Duncan impersonation and drills the jumper. Even when they are playing a terrible game, the Spurs are the Spurs.

11:17 -- A Finley three makes it a ten point game, and one suspects that the ratings for Game 4 aren't going to be any better...

11:18 -- Pavlovic hits the Cavs' 2nd three pointer of the night to give them a pulse. 5:44 left -- but you have the feeling that if the Cavs can't win this game unless they go up by 5.

11:23 - James with the hoop and harm, bringing us back. Oh, and for the record, Bowen's heel nickname for tonight is the Brooklyn Bowen. Yeah, I got nothing.

11:24 - Gooden board, 4 point game, but James doesn't want the shot, and the Cavs barf up the possession. Gooden then, in a remarkably stupid play, crushes the man for an offensive board attempt for foul number five. They have to move this guy.

11:25 - James steal, Varejao turnover. LeBron's going to have to carry these slugs.

11:26 - Miss, miss, miss, miss, turnover... Honest, folks, these are the two last teams in the NBA.

11:27 - OK, there are lids on these rims. 67-63 with 2:26 left. Is anyone outside of Texas and Ohio still watching?

11:31 - Gosh, a turnover, followed by an actual foul call. Brooklyn Bowen has no chance with James, and yet James still isn't scoring. LeBron hits both to cut the lead to 2.

11:33 - An 8-0 run for the Cavs... in the last 4:24. Isn't that an 8-0 walk? Or an 8-0 crawl?

11:34 - Gooden fouls out, obviously and badly. Despite the numbers, he's just not, you know, good. Gibson in as the Cavs go small; Duncan hits both to get to 14 points for the night. The idea that the Spurs are in a game where Duncan has 14, and Ginobili has nothing, is just this short of ludicrous. 4 point game.

11:35 - Snow sets up James to get it to 2. Boy, Eric Snow has gotten more out of his talent than anyone in NBA history... and Parker does not care, as he drains a 3.

11:36 - Shootout! Back to back 3s, 2 point lead with 42 seconds left. Parker with a bad turnover... and somehow, Anderson Varejao thinks it's a good idea to go 1-on-1 with Duncan from 20 feet away on the Cavs' most important possession of the Finals.

That, I think, is the ultimate moment for a Mike James team -- Varejao is taking the key shot. Cleveland, you've had The Drive, The Fumble, and The Shot. This is The Stupidity.

Manu responds with a miss to keep the game alive, and it's a 3-point game with 10 seconds left. It'll be up to the Cavs, who are 3 for 18 from 3-point range but 2 for 6 in the fourth quarter, to hit one to keep the game alive.

11:40 - James scores a quick hoop, and Manu is fouled. 5.5 left, 2 shots to make from a guy with one point for the whole night... and, being as these are the Spurs, he makes both. 75-72, Spurs.

11:41 - OK, Mike James has a set-up from the time out. He needs a three to tie; he doesn't have time to get a quick hoop. Who takes the shot -- Eric Snow or Anderson Varejao? With Mike James, *anything* is possible.

11:43 - Jones inbounds to James, who gets open and misses from distance... and LeBron has a legitimate complaint that Bowen fouled him behind the arc, because, well, he did.

Ah, that's fitting. Even when they win, they are going to be known for winning dirty. There should be no controversy, because no one should want to see more of this Series, but that's just an impossible call to miss.

You know, Spurs Fan is going to read this diary and say that FTT is just a hater blog... but in the fourth quarter, it was actually hard for me to keep paying attention. The Cavs shot 36.7%. The Spurs shot 41.1%. The defense, honestly, wasn't that good. This was just a road team trying to give away the game, and the home team not taking it.

Spurs, please -- end this thing in four, and put the Finals out of their misery. I've had dental exams that were more fun than this game.

Cavs-Spurs Diary, Game 3, Third Quarter

Ah, the vagaries of parenting -- cost me the first half, it did. Looks like it cost me as much as LSL's absence has cost the Cavs. Two point lead for the Cavs at the half despite foul trouble for LeBron. You have to admire the refs for not giving away the swerve early.

10:35 - "A rare open look for Parker." Has the series changed that much?

10:37 - It's still Our Country! I was so worried.

10:38 - Only three more days until the secret of the Surfer is revealed. How will I sleep?

10:39 - Pet peeve: let's make the game small while we make some interview large, because the pre-recorded thing is more important than the live action. Um, no.

10:40 - Ilgaukas's best minutes of the series - block, offensive rebound, defensive board. He has a double-double, and doesn't look, you know, completely hopeless right now. 44-42, Spurs.

10:42 - Gosh, Daniel Gibson can stay in front of Parker more than Hughes. Who would have thought this? Oh, right, anyone with eyes that isn't named Mike Brown...

10:43 - Spurs doing what they can to not score. The tape of this one isn't going to Springfield, either. (And doesn't the NBA need a better town name than the Simpson's hometown?)

10:44 - James burns Bowen and scores. VERY AGGRESSIVE. The Spurs respond with an easy interior bucket. You always know who the better team is -- they are the ones scoring easy hoops while the other team is working themselves to death.

10:47 - Pavlovic misses an open three; the Cavs are 1 for 8 for threes tonight. Ziggy collects rebound number 14 -- who saw that coming? -- and Gooden ties it with a tough baby hook. Drama Has Entered The Series!

10:51 - Mike Brown tells his Cavs team that this is a 48 minute game. You're not getting much by Mike Brown.

10:53 - A 48-48 game is... wait for it... a defensive battle! Of course. Manu gets called for a charge, and Popovich sells his disbelief. 0 for 5 for Manu tonight, but Varejao leaves with a flopping injury. You'd think he'd be in better shape for that.

10:55 - Gooden gets his 4th on back to back bad reaches. Brent Barry reminds us how points are scored by putting the ball through the hoop. Novel idea.

10:56 - James responds with a hoop by destroying Bowen, who really can't guard him in the post. The Cavs, after only 2.5 games, have discovered that James can handle Bowen inside. Mike Brown is a coaching genius!

10:58 - Jeff van Gundy makes a Sopranos joke, evading the wrath of Google ombudsmen. Smart move.

10:59 - Well, this is as bad as the Spurs can play, and after a Bowen three, they are up five. Perhaps I erred with that call of Drama.

11:00 - Bowen with the mouth job; Gibson gets hit shooting a 3, gets hit, no call. That was about as ugly as ugly gets. 55-50 for the lowest combined score in NBA Finals history.

OK, David Stern, we'll make this simple -- either you pay me to stop live blogging these games, or they'll keep being this unwatchable. I bet I can keep it up longer than you can.

The Spurs Are Exciting...

If you are a broadcaster who doesn't work for ABC. From MediaPost...

ABC's "NBA Finals" game between the San Antonio Spurs and Cleveland Cavaliers averaged a ho-hum 3.1/8 in 18-49 viewers and 7.7 million viewers overall. That's down 41% from the 5.3/15 in 18-49 viewers and 12.4 million viewers for last year's Game 2 contest between Miami and Dallas.

FTT's Spurs-Cavs Game 2 Diary: Fourth Quarter

11:14 - Yay! The NBA Cares! I was worried they no longer did.

11:15 - Why do they send a blimp to a game that's indoors, and doing that, why don't you just show file footage?

11:15 - "The Cavs have to take better care of the ball, and they have to defend."

No, honestly, they don't. They could just lose.

11:17 - Damon Jones hits a 3 for his first points of the game. He now has three more than Leisure Suit Larry. Just, you know, saying.

11:18 - Jones hits another 3, AND THE LEAD IS 19! Come back, nationwide television audience! You don't want to miss the Cavs big comeback to make the final score seem competitive!

11:21 - ABC comes back from commercial with Stevie Ray Vaughn. I miss SRV. If only Clapton had gotten on the helicopter instead.

11:22 - HD does Michele Tafoya no favors.

11:23 - Spurs airball, James layup. It's 17! Wake the kids!

11:24 - Ah, let them sleep. The Spurs still have Duncan. And, it seems, a Green Day CD. Who knew that kind of music was allowed there?

11:25 - The Spurs play volleyball for a minute, getting five offensive rebounds. Weren't the Cavs supposed to be, you know, kind of OK at getting rebounds? Or anything?

11:26 - Nike going into hard rotation on the LeBron ad. They're not doing him any favors right now.

11:27 - Having seen the ad a half dozen times, I now know the secret of the Silver Surfer. THE CHANTEUSE HAS A PENIS.

11:28 - Marshall with a 3 to cut it to 16. Wake the kids!

11:29 - Gibson cuts it to 14. Mike Breen just wet himself. Doesn't he, you know, watch the games? This is what the Spurs do *every* game... Varejo cuts it to 12.

11:30 - Gibson, having clubbed Mike Brown with a tire iron so that he can get on the floor, makes a steal. James follows with a rebound and putback, then hits the free throw to cut it to 9.

Gosh, what might Cleveland be with Gibson getting more time?

11:31 - Answer: a loser in 5, just the same as now. But LeBron is going into Uber Mode, having drawn Duncan's 4th foul -- after getting away with a hard elbow in Manu's face. He's setting the stage for his 50-point night in Cleveland's lone win of the series, which will be Game 3.

If Kobe Bryant had elbowed Manu like that, he'd be in jail -- and we'd all be safer.

11:35 -- The lead is eight! Set your kids' bed on fire, because there will be no sleeping tonight!

11:36 - James doesn't get a call, Parker hits, and it's back to 10. My kids are asking why I set the bed on fire, but LeBron now has 25. That explains everything.

11:37 - Gibson with his 12th point. Yes, that's 12 more than Leisure Suit Larry. Brown's need to keep splitting time is starting to look Grady Little-esque.

11:38 - That's the kill shot - a Manu 3 with flop, giving him 24, and a 12-point lead with 2:23 left.

11:39 - Gibson with another 3, but Duncan calmly gets the board and scores a bucket. Like, um, always.

11:40 - The first moment of genuine drama all night - Horry slams into Popovich, causing him to leave the bench area. Does this mean Pop is suspended for the next game? Damn you, Horry!

11:41 - Mark Jackson points out that the Cavs have to feel good about this, because the comeback came against the Spurs starters.

Sure -- if this was the Special Olympics, or the Cavs were looking for Participant Trophies.

The final is an 11-point win. The Cavs will win Game 3 as James gets every possible call. Game 4 will have lots of pre-game coverage of how the Spurs haven't looked good for five quarters. And then they'll win, just like the Jazz series, and close it at home in five.

And gosh, it'll be exciting! Almost as exciting as this!

FTT's Spurs-Cavs Game 2 Diary: Third Quarter

10:40 - Gosh, what did I miss? 25 point lead to start the third. But Drew Gooden just hit a jumper through his tears. It's only 23!

10:41 - Just wondering... has there ever been an entire NBA Finals of garbage time? Bowdy Brucey with the 3 to make it 26. Will LeBron answer with AGGRESSION? No, an assist to a dunk. Hmm, actual basketball. Nice to see.

10:43 - James to Pavlovic for a 3. It's only 21! On the other hand, there are more drywall videos...

10:44 - Pavlovic misses both free throws. How can you be a three-point shooter who can't hit free throws? Shouldn't these be, you know, mutually exclusive skill sets?

10:45 - Jeff van Gundy - "Sometimes the other team is just better than you." JEFF! STOP IT! YOU'RE KILLING THE RATINGS! LEBRON IS GOING TO GET REALLY AGGRESSIVE ANY SECOND NOW!

10:45 - Mike Breen tells us that the doctors that rebuilt Ilgauskas made one foot bigger than the other. Did they also put that bolt in his neck?

10:47 - Mike Brown successfully lobbies the ref for a call. I'm glad I was sitting down for that.

10:48 - Gooden scores through the tears. The lead is only 21!

10:50 - Bruce willis just killed his career with a car. Because he was out of ideas...

10:51 - I exchange IMs with a friend of mine, who I'll call J-Bug. He tells me not to call him that, then closed the window. Isn't he funny? I HAVE VERY FUNNY FRIENDS!

10:52 - Bowdy Brucey just had kid #2. I imagine that his wife is also Worse Than Hitler.

10:53 - Parker, alone, bucket. Then makes a steal and gets fouled in transition by Leisure Suit Larry. Note that this is LSL's *first* foul of the game, meaning that Larry has been so deked by him, he hasn't even been close enough to foul. But don't play Daniel Gibson!

10:54 - Mike Breen makes the first of many "The Cavs are different in Cleveland" announcements, so that all 83 of us will watch Game 3. It's working! I can feel the hopeless home court ref magic that will make this a 2-1 series!

10:55 - Parker with a 3, answered by Pavlovic. Damn, I was hoping to see Tony throw the bucket of confetti before the fourth... and a Manu 3 keeps the hope alive. 25 point lead.

10:55 - Pavlovic drives, clangs a dunk. Duncan responds with an understated lay up. And Spurs Fan just nodded in appreciation, because they hate dunks. And flashiness. And people who point out that blowouts aren't exciting...

10:59 - Van Gundy makes the small but telling point that the Spurs value consistency. Which is a key thing -- they don't move more than a few players at a time.

11:00 -- Drew Gooden with a hoop, then Pavlovic finally finishes a dunk. The 7-0 run cut it to 20... and then Duncan slams over Varejo, who doesn't even flop on it. Very sad.

11:02 - James with his third foul. And it wasn't even very aggressive.

11:03 - Can James do more? Yes. He can clone himself. He can pay someone to assasinate Tim Duncan. He can poison Mike Brown and also coach. See, he just doesn't want it enough. By the way, it's 24 now.

11:04 -- The announcers have said it's over. Breen pleads for waiting to go to Cleveland. Do we have to?

11:05 - Gooden blocked, weeps.

11:06 - Varejo is fouled hard. I have to say, I'm disappointed in Anderson when he's actually fouled. Given the quality of his flops, I expect him to turn into Charlie Brown with the line drive up the middle, with the clothing all over the place, when he actually takes contact.

11:07 - Horry 3 makes it, um, 27. Can we just call the Finals after two games?

11:08 - You know what makes this all OK? The fact that Jacques Vaughn's going to get a ring. It's like Doc Erving finally getting one.

11:10 - The third quarter ends, and it's Spurs 89, Cavs 62. The Spurs crowd is, I think, still there, though beating the traffic might come into play soon.

FTT's Spurs-Cavs Game 2 Diary: Second Quarter (Kind Of)

9:42 - LeBron starts the second, and throws up two consecutive VERY AGGRESSIVE BRICKS. I may swoon from his manliness!

9:43 - "Duncan, making it look easy!" Um, that's because, well, it is when you've got solo coverage from Big Zombie Ziggy...

9:44 -- 17 point lead after a Manu 3. If Popovich was Red Auerbach, I think he'd be lighting up.

9:45 - Media mouth job now for Eric Snow. OK, we get it -- he's a great guy. He also has no offensive game, and he's 34, which means he's six years past his defensive peak, too. Heck of a career from a guy with no jump shot; I'm sure he'll make a fine front office guy someday. Make it soon.

9:47 - And it's 18. But a very solid flop from Varejo. He's still trying, God bless him.

9:49 -- ABC serenades Kareem. Are they *trying* to get me to stop watching?

Well, it's worked. A 19 point lead and a 7 year old that is looking for a bedtime story is more than enough reason to step away. Back later.

(And before I can post, LeBron airballs a free throw. NOT MANLY! NOT AGGRESSIVE!)

FTT's Spurs-Cavs Game 2 Diary: First Quarter

9:02 -- First moment when Mark Jackson tells the Cavs they are better than that. Mark Jackson, we suspect, goes through life with much disappointment.

9:06 -- LeBron says he's going to be more aggressive. Has any NBA player ever said he was going to be less aggressive? "You know, I need to be more passive this game. Effort is so declasse."

9:07 -- LeBron goes to the glass and scores the game's first hoop. THAT'S AGGRESSION!

9:07 -- Parker responds with a wide open jumper. At some point in November, he's going to be defended by someone, and it will be a nasty shock.

9:08 -- Parker throws a pass through Lesiure Suit Larry's legs. Who had 9:08 in the pool for when the game went into GlobeTrotter mode?

9:09 -- SUPER TESTOSTERONE LEBRON drives and gets a a foul. I can taste his aggression from here! It tastes manly!

Unfortunately, he's too manly to make either of the throws.

9:10 -- Jeff van Gundy throws San Antonio under the bus. Francisco Oberto does the same to Drew Gooden. Expect both trends to continue.

9:11 -- HYPER-MANLY LEBRON sits with FOUL NUMBER TWO. Won't someone tone down his UNBELIEVABLE AGGRESSION? Meanwhile, it's 9-4 Spurs, and we might be going into garbage time. However, it does mean Daniel Gibson might actually play. Mike Brown is a coaching genius!

9:13 -- Parker, while yawning, drives past Gooden (currently working on his Mehmet Okur impersonation), gets blocked, gets the loose ball, scores, gets fouled, makes the foul, and continues to yawn. I have halfway through the third for when he pulls down Leisure Suit Larry's pants. 14-6 Spurs after, gulp, 4 minutes.

9:14 -- Parker now has 7, the Spurs are up by 10, and the second, third and fourth quarter diaries may have more to do with Shaq hanging out with fat kids than the game. Speaking of which, shouldn't Antoine Walker get a royalty from giving Shaq the idea?

9:18 -- Mike Brown goes to the dessictaed remains of Eric Snow, rather than watch Parker score 50 points. Snow is the only Cav with finals experience.

9:20 -- What will Bill Simmons' wrestling heel nickname for Bruce Bowen be today? I'm going with Bowdy Brucey Bowen. Wear the kilt! Hit someone with a coconut!

9:21 - Gooden blocked, weeps.

9:23 - Snow penetrates, someone actually comes to him, he kicks to Gibson, who hits the 3. Despite James being on the bench, it's now just a 3 point game. And yet, no Spus fan is worried. For good reason.

9:24 -- OK, there's a superhero movie in which Jessica Alba is poured into a body suit. Should the promo clip, you know, feature her for more than 1.5 seconds? Nah, show some silver metallic Eurotrash on a flying '80s skateboard. Genius!

9:27 - Stu Scott tells us Eric Snow has no ego. What a shock!

9:28 - Frankie Elson hits his mid-range jumper. In a few years, some other team is going to sign him to a Nazr Mohammed contract.

9:29 - Gooden blocked, weeps.

9:30 - We look at LeBron on the bench. He's sitting aggressively. Manu hits a 3, and we're back to 8.

9:30 -- Actually, 10. 7-0 run in the last 90 seconds. Shockingly, it seems to have coincided with Donyell Marshall's entrance into the game!

9:31 - Horry gets the announcer mouth job. Not sure that anyone from Texas wants to hear this, but he's known for more than big shots now. Honest.

9:32 - Brent Barry does what Brant Barry can do, and it's a 15-point lead. On the plus side for the Cavs, LeBron should be well rested for Game 3.

9:34 - Ilgauskas now with 5 points, or 250% more than Game 1.

9:35 - We've had our first tremendous Anderson Varejao Flop of the series, and it gets the Cavs an extra point. I feel better about this series now.

Spurs 28, Cavs 17. And now for some real excitement. I thought the hump was bad!

FTT's Spurs-Cavs Game 2 Diary: Pre-Game

In HD, Leann Rimes does not have significant breasts. The same can not be said for Mike James.

Drew Gooden looks like he's going to cry. This is what quality writers call foreshadowing.

Does anyone else expect someone to say "Psych!" when the Cavs are announced as a finals participant?

The Spurs PR is so lame, they don't even pull the classic "don't announce the opponents' best player last" trick. Of course, this would involve the Spurs' crowd giving a crap.

To be fair, it is hard to blame the Spurs crowd for not caring when their video has

Vaughn! Bonner! Butler! Ely!

Gents, it's the NBA. Players 9 through 12 don't really matter. Honest.

I can't remember when I've been this excited. Oh, actually, I can. It was earlier today, when I had a good bowel movement. (YouTube clip deleted on account of taste.)

The Spurs are Boring, And Why That Matters

It's not a debate outside of Texas - the Spurs may be great, but they're also boring. Independent of the merit of the opinion, there is also this... why does anyone care enough to venture the opinion?

Name the last boring Super Bowl champion. (Answer: the Baltimore Ravens of Trent Dilfer.) Or the last boring World Series champion. (Maybe the 2000-2001 Yankees, who went 8-1 against the Braves and Mets. Not a lot of drama in winning 8 out of 9.)

But for the most part, neither of these sports have to worry about a champion depressing the ratings. Only the Spurs -- and the NBA -- gets to worry about this.

And also, and this is telling, boxing.

The problem is this: boxing and basketball require both entities to bring something to the table to make for entertainment. When a football team blows another team out, it might not be great spectacle, but it is still spectacle. You remember the Fridge Perry Bears rolling over the Patriots. You watched it.

A baseball team that does this, you talk about the obvious Hall of Fame qualifications of their star players.

Basketball? Boxing? You reconsider the merits of the entire enterprise. The former must have too many foreigners, or underaged players, or expansion, or bad referees, or gangstas. The latter must have been killed by Don King and the fact that if Muhammad Ali were a young athlete today, he'd be playing tight end in the NFL.

Styles make fights. That's the old boxing cliche, and it's true here as well.

Spurs-Suns? Fascinating matchup of offense versus defense, threes against post scoring, penetration against shot blockers.

Spurs-Jazz? Same teams, more or less, only the first one is better at it. Predictable, dull, anticlimactic.

Spurs-Cavs? The only point of fascination is whether or not LeBron James can make this series into something it isn't. He won't, it isn't, and the sports world that doesn't care about baseball is already counting the days to NFL training camp. (Answer: five weeks.)

Is this fair to the dominant team of the era? No, of course not. They don't make the schedule. If their playoff run had been Cavs / Nuggets / Jazz / Suns, everyone would be watching the Finals. But as for the team itself, they get paid and probably don't much care. When the history is written, the ratings won't be mentioned that much. (If Spurs Fan really wants to feel aggrieved, at least be worried that your title will be more tarnished by SunsGate.)

Is it fair to their fans, to have the sports media crap all over their coronation? No, of course not, but they're going to have their trophy and that's all that matters. And if you don't believe me, ask the Miami Heat fans how much people complaining about Dwayne Wade's free throws took away from their championship.

Is it fair to the NBA? No. Living to a standard that no other major team sport has to live to, while already climbing the silent hill of racism (to wit, a hockey fight is fun, a baseball fight is silly, and a basketball fight is an free buffet with open bar to pundit moralists)... well, it's one of the reasons why I love this game, and I root for this game, and I even (kind of) like the Spurs.

No, seriously -- or, at least, more than any other similar dynasty in recent team sports. And Spurs Fan, if you're still wondering why the rest of the world doesn't love your team... well, some of us are bored, and some of us are seeing you as the new Yankees or Patriots. How loved are they outside of their region?

So, please, have the good grace to not ask to be loved, or admired, or even watched. In the long run, you won't remember or care -- because while basketball may be art, it also has a scoreboard. And the scoreboard is more important.

Spurs-Cavs Game One: Well, Gosh, That Was Unexpected

A 9 point win at home for the rested Spurs, in which they were never really threatened, LeBron James was unable to get untracked, and the Cavs lone rays of sunshine were that Daniel Gibson played OK and that they avoided a lot of garbage time?

Well, shut my mouth and call me Ethel, if it ain't an absolutely true to the chalk body outline of a series that looks like a turd, smells like a turd, walks like a turd and... gosh... it's a turd.

Look, we love the NBA more than just about anyone we know. Every year, despite the growing tendency of NBA superstars to actively mock those of us who pay attention to the regular season, I scrape together an NBA fantasy league. I read the annuals. I peruse the box scores. I watch the highlights, I think the level of competition is astounding. If I had one more game to watch on this earth, it's probably be pro hoop. And even I'm having a hard time filling up the word hole with it.

Having an equally hard time showing an effort are...

> Larry Hughes and Zyrdrunas Ilgauskas, who combined for four points in 46 minutes of 2 for 13 shooting. To give this the proper perspective, that's two more points than Jacques Vaughn had.

> Cavs coach Mike Brown, who continues to save Daniel Gibson's legs for some important yardwork he's got to do in the off-season. Tonight, the Cavs' second-best scorer got 28 minutes of floor time, or five more than Leisure Time Larry.

> The ABC broadcasting tandem of Mark Jackson and Jeff Van Gundy, who were openly trading stories of those halcyon Knicks teams of the late '90s in what passed for crunch time tonight.

> Anderson Varejo, who just didn't bring his "A" Flop Game tonight. Sure, he had 10 points, but where is the double concussion from no physical contact that we've been looking for from him and Manu? The flopping connoisseurs have higher standards than this, gentlemen. Pick it up a notch, or you are getting yellow cards.

> The Spurs' crowd, who, we suspect, is as subconsciously bored as the rest of the audience. I've heard more intimidating crowds at Little League games. You're like the Atlanta Braves crowds, only without the Tomahawk Chop.

Having said all that, we'll be back on the couch on Sunday night (So soon, NBA? Don't you want to take some more time to think about this?), for the off chance that LeBron goes into Uber Mode, or just grabs Bruce Bowen by his ankles and starts jousting with him.

But we're having a hard time telling you that you should watch, not when you might be as entertained with this...

Two More Days and Nights of Cavs-Spurs Hype

Ed. Note -- Seriously, it's Tuesday. The Pistons were put to bed three days ago. We needed five days between Game Six and Game One, just so the 47 people outside of Texas and Ohio who are following this could read more words about how the Spurs are boring and LeBron is LeMazing?

Even if Cleveland had spit the bit in Game Six, it would have been three days before the next series started -- more than enough time for Mike James to prepare his team. (Yes, we know -- Mike needs no more than five minutes to imbue his special brand of coaching magic, most of which probably entails making sure they recognize the other jersey is Dfferent from theirs and Bad.)

Whatever happened to giving some edge to the team that finishes its business early? Besides, doesn't the NBA know that the Spurs are so old, many of them may lose the ability to control their bladders during games before this playoff season is over?

Well, we only know one way to answer such an indignity. Suck on my list!

Top 10 Things That Have Taken Less Time Than The NBA Playoffs

10) The building of Rome (allegedly)

9) Major combat operations in Iraq, according to Our President

8) The Noah's Arc Flood

7) The assassination of John F Kennedy, Lee Harvey Oswald, and the findings of the Warren Commission that a 16-year-old Oliver Stone killed both men

7) The little-known 53 Days War

6) The competitive portion of the 2007 Yankees season (crossing fingers)

5) The NFL post-season, including the Super Bowl Bye Week *and* the freaking Pro Bowl

4) MLB's post-season, though you may be forgiven for thinking otherwise, given how an hour spent with Tim McCarver can seem like a week spent with any other human on the planet

3) The cumulative amount of time that Tim Duncan has spent looking amazed that a foul has been called on him (2006-2007 season only)

2) Cub Fan turning on Sweet Lou

1) My last 76,320 sexual encounters (you can, of course, encounter yourself)

30 to 14, Or How The NBA Can't Take Off The Tin Foil Hats

From Urban Dictionary.com...

Tin Foil Hat, also tinfoil hat, or tfh, a general term for a piece of headgear made from one or more sheets of tin foil, aluminium foil, or other similar material. Some people wear the hats in the belief that they act to shield the brain from such influences as electromagnetic fields, or against mind control and/or mind reading. The concept has become a popular stereotype and term of derision; in Internet culture, the phrase serves as a byword for paranoia.

Now what, you may ask, does this have to do with Game 4 of the Western Conference Playoffs, which FTT so perfectly called with the Wile Coyote image below?

Simple. Here's the free throw numbers for Game 4, in Utah.

San Antonio: 30 for 41, 73.2%
Utah: 14 for 20, 70%.

And here are the technical fouls...

Utah 3, San Antonio 0.

And the ejections...

Utah 3 (Okur, Fisher, Sloan), San Antonio 0

And Utah coach Jerry Sloan's post-game quote.

"I don't want to talk about those because all that does is give me more trouble."

Prior to Sunsgate, you could wash this one away as sour grapes from a team watching its hopes go down the drain, and what happens when a playoff tested team that relies on penetration faces a team of jump shooters.

After Sunsgate, you can wonder, especially since noted thug Derek Fisher (?) became the latest guy to be driven to Unsound Play in the presence of Manu Ginobili. It's amazing, just how many people that happens to. Quite a coincidence.

From my vantage point, the Spurs just executed in the fourth while the Jazz unraveled. No crime was committed, no referee's wallet had a Texas-sized bulge, and Deron Williams wasn't being poisoned during the game by sunglass-wearing NBA agents.

But clearly, THAT'S WHAT THEY WANT US TO THINK.

And for Spurs Fans (and we know it's just you now, because even ESPN, who televised this, bumped your game in their coverage for something called "hockey", and if Duke Lacrosse team had won, you'd be on Page Four with Eli Manning coverage) who think we hate their team... no, not really. You're going to the Finals, you've got the best player in the game, and you've made Mehmet Okur soil himself in this series so much that even STEPHEN A. SMITH MIGHT STOP YELLING ABOUT IT.

But just admit one thing: if these guys weren't wearing your laundry, you'd pretty much hate them too, right?

There. Was that so hard?

The President *Is* From Texas

Normally, I don’t respond to comments in posts, and I try to keep the Not Sports tag count low. But then you have moments like this one.

STOP SAYING THE PRESIDENT IS FROM TEXAS!!! Yes he WAS governor of Texas but he is NOT from Texas. he was born in New Haven, Connecticut; lived a while in Midland,TX(football powerhouse) but went to private school in Massachusetts(Andover). Besides that he was educated at Harvard AND Yale. The only reason he had interest in Texas is cause he had ownership in the Texas Rangers baseball team and his father had oil investments in Texas. Ya'll wanna blame someone for Bush blame Vermont and Harvard/Yale! - Anonymous

With all due respect, commenter who felt so strongly about this that they could not leave a name, stop repeating a lie that makes you feel better about life. It’s still a lie.

The ex-governor of a state, who owned a baseball team in that state, who ran companies in that state, who owns a (bullshit ranch) house in that state, whose family has lived in that state for longer than most of the people who are reading this have been alive… is not from that state. Some other state has to talk the fall for it.

Look, I *enjoy* Texas – or, at least, the Not Dallas Or Houston parts of it. (I’m an Eagles fan – you expect me to like Dallas? And as for Houston, there’s that whole Enron/DeLay/Bush thing going on there. I’m sorry, you folks have much to atone for.)

Austin is one of the five best places on the planet. I’ve got friends from Lubbock. I’ve driven through the whole shooting match (and yes, shooting is the word – I’ve seen what you people do to speed limit signs) from end to end on multiple occasions. West Texas is stark and beautiful. It’s the only place to really eat BBQ. Drive-through margaritas fill my heart with blood. You got Joe Bob Briggs, Kinky Friedman and Molly Ivins. There are many, many worse states.

But for y’all (note the appropriate usage) to claim Bush isn’t from Texas is like New Yorkers claiming that Hillary Clinton isn’t from there.

They picked her. So she is.

Or like me claiming Bush isn’t from America, because I’m from there, and, um, ick.

(Frankly, I feel the same way about people on reality shows also being mammals. Maybe it’s time to research my options there.)

We all get to own this.

You, double.

Moving on.

NBA Releases More Reasons To Hate The Spurs

(NBA HQ, Secaucus, NJ) -- Has your week-long Suns Suspension chewing gum of hate lost its flavor? Refresh your chew with these sparkling new, league-approved reasons to hate Duncan and Company.

1. The Spurs are the only team in the NBA to protest foul calls, and it is against our rules to give them technical fouls.

2. If not for the strike year championship, Phil Jackson would have passed Red Auerbach’s championship record while Red was still alive, which would have caused Red to throw his cigar to the ground and curse like Yosemite Sam.

3. San Antonio is close to Mexico, and MEXICO IS KILLING THIS COUNTRY WITH ILLEGAL ALIENS. (The NBA would like to thank Lou Dobbs for his support.)

4. Isiah Thomas doesn’t like Gregg Popovich, and when has Isiah ever been wrong?

5. San Antonio is also in Texas, which is responsible for the current president, and by extension, the war in Iraq, Hurricane Katrina, and global warming.

6. The Spurs have several foreign players. See reason #3 for more clarification.

7. No prominent member of the Spurs has been connected to drug use, controversial rap albums, or spousal abuse. The Spurs do *not* keep it real.

8. The Spurs are the only reason why Eva Longoria gets so much television time. And Eva Longoria is worse than Joumana “Eva Braun” Kidd.

9. You have always hated the Spurs. And Eurasia.

10. Hate isn’t the opposite of love – indifference is. You hate this game!