The Lakers Sure Had To Try Hard

Can a team be bored while winning a series? Yes, easily, which is what the Lakers were tonight in sending Utah to their room. The Laker crowd never seemed too into this, which, given how often they do this trick, is easily understood; the Jazz just hold no terror for this Lakers team, especially on the road. Tonight's confetti bucket moment came when Kobe Bryant tripped over referee Steve Javie on a break, then still corralled the loose ball and scored anyway. Just sad.

I don't think it says any less of me as NBA Fan that the second half of this game put me under, even as the Lakers were stretching their third quarter lead from 15 to 22 in a heartbeat while Jerry Sloan let the game play on, probably thinking that it was more important to teach his younger players to play through a run, rather than call too many timeouts.

Either that, or he wanted to get to the off-season as fast as Laker Fan wanted him to get there.

In any event, the Lake Show moved on with a 107-96 win that wasn't the complete coronation that was expected, only because the Big 3 of Bryant, Pau Gasol and Lamar Odom didn't get a fourth wheel to add more than Trevor Ariza's 12.

With the notorious NBA first round schedule slowdown, the Lakers have just bought themselves many days off, and it's probably best that they didn't sweep the Jazz, just because having this many days off at this time of the year usually leads to trouble. Hanging over the entire wildly entertaining NBA playoff schedule is the fact that the Cavs and Lakers are just much better than everyone else, and each had no problem showing it in the first round. But hope springs eternal, and injuries do happen...

Awards Time

With the next to last night of NBA action happening tonight, and my Sixers looking like the worst team in the post-season with their sixth straight loss (a 100-98 effort to a Celtics team that didn't have Kevin Garnett or much of a reason to play hard)... well, it's as good a time as any to rattle off my picks for the major awards. Let's get right to it, so I can get the stink of that game out of my mind.

Most Valuable Player -- LeBron James, Cleveland Cavaliers

People have been trying to make this into a competitive race for months now, and the general public, for one, isn't fooled. James is simply the best player in the Association on the team with the best record. The year he's had hasn't been matched statistically since Jordan's glory days.

Which isn't to denigrate the year that Dwayne Wade had. He's the clear number two choice, will most likely survive the first round against the Hawks, and will scare the living hell out of whatever luckless high East seed has to deal with him. He's just not as good as James. There's no shame in that.

As for Kobe, I'm not feeling it. In the future history of this year, he might be remembered for a championship, and he might be remembered as the year that he finally trusted his non-Shaq teammates.

But this is the year in which the most talented player in the league -- James -- became one of the hardest workers, too. Getting back on defense to make a saving and spectacular block just seemed to be a nightly occurrence. The pregame hijinks showed that, in a very real way, he was embracing a leadership role. The way he incorporated and raised Mo Williams, and how the team didn't miss a beat even as personnel shifted, just speaks volumes. And the 39-1 and counting home record just served notice that this was his year.

It's his year. And we're going to keep saying that for the next decade. Get used to it.

Rookie of the Year - Derrick Rose, Chicago Bulls

Chicago is a playoff team, and Rose is their best player. That makes him the choice over Memphis's OJ Mayo, and New Jersey's Brook Lopez. Either of those guys might have actually been better players this year, but point guards just matter more, and it's not as if the Bulls were awash in talent this year, especially with Luol Deng hurt for much of the year. Rose needs to get better, and he will, but for this award, he's more than good enough.

Coach - Rick Adelman, Houston Rockets

There's a lot of thinking that this needs to go to Mike Brown of the Cavaliers, or the criminally under-regarded Jerry Sloan, who has somehow not won this thing for his entire damn career. You could also think about San Antonio's Gregg Popovich, who could get it every year, or the Lakers' Phil Jackson, who really did a fantastic job of making sure that his talent meshed. But for my money, I'm giving it to Houston's Rick Adelman, who survived Ron Artest, the auto-ejection of Tracy McGrady, a near-fatality to big man Carl Landry, a midseason trade of his starting point guard to Orlando, and his best player (Yao Ming) being a defensive sieve despite being 7'-5". I still don't like this team's playoff chances, just because Artest is far too crazy to survive national attention and pressure, but give Adelman his due. This could have been a train wreck, and instead, they are highly competitive.

Most Improved Player - Paul Milsap, Utah Jazz

Most folks go for the easy choice of guys who are scoring more points thanks to an opportunity (the Nets' Devin Harris), a second-year player just finding his range (the Thunder's Kevin Durant), or the slow rising action of an improving veteran (Indy's Danny Granger). I just can't get enough of Milsap's game, a guy who just came from nowhere to be a critical part of a potentially dangerous playoff team, and a guy who more or less Wally Pipped Carlos Boozer in Salt Lake. To me, the MIP is about rewarding this kind of player, not adding to the trophy closet of players who will find themselves getting honored enough.

Sixth man - Lou Williams, Philadelphia 76ers

Everyone takes Jason Terry on this one, but Terry's really not a sixth man; he's just a guy who, for some reason that no one outside of Dallas can really tell me, doesn't start. Williams, on the other hand, is a true bench guy; he doesn't start because he's not better than Andre Miller, Andre Iguodala or Thaddeus Young. But when he comes into the game, he is a real difference maker, having scored an ungodly number of points from that position without being, unlike Terry, a defensive matador. He's a big reason why the Sixers get to the line so much, have a cohesive second unit despite erratic talent, and simply deserves more play than he gets nationally, in that I'm pretty sure no one outside of Philadelphia knows about him at all. Give him the award.

Defensive Player of the Year - Dwight Howard, Orlando Magic

This one's not even close. Howard lead the Association in boards and blocks, the first time that's been done in forever, and he's the only reason why Orlando's situation (i.e., a bunch of guys who can shoot threes, none of whom are known for their defense) works. If he were hurt, you'd be looking at a .500 at best team, because their defense would look Phoenix-esque. I don't think they are a Final Four team, because I don't like their guard play that much, and when your best fourth quarter player is Hedo Turkoglu, that doesn't smell like a championship to me. But that's not what we're dealing with for Defensive Player of the Year. It's Howard, who is good on the ball, off the ball, and in every other way.

Where Amazing Happens, and gets undercut by workmanlike

Halfway through the third quarter tonight in Utah in a game that the Sixers needed to avoid what will wind up being a pretty awful road trip, second year man and future franchise hope Thaddeus Young got the ball in the open floor with his team down eight. Driving down the left side with men on his wings, he faked a behind the back pass, drawing the defender to the passing lane, then brought the ball back and windmilled it for the jam. It was a "Woo!" moment, a basket of startling body control, and something I've never seen before; pure highlight candy. The reaction shot of the Sixers bench saw the reserves erupting.

And two second later, the Jazz had thrown the long outlet pass to the frontcourt to Deron Williams, who worked Andre Miller into the air for his fourth foul, hit the shot and the free throw. Boom, door closed, nine point lead and the Sixers without their assist guy. I'm still watching the game as I'm writing this, but I'm confident that the Jazz won't trail again in this game -- and no, it's not because my team will have quit. It's just that the Jazz win games like this, year in and year out, by simply taking your heart with execution.

It's not enough to get them in to the true upper echelon in the Association. Heck, the Spurs do the same thing with dramatically better bigs, and when they face a team with a truly good defense, rather than just a willing one, they aren't going to score enough unless Deron Williams does something spectacular. But in terms of simply knowing how to play the game and manage momentum, they get everything from their talent. And to think that Jerry Sloan has never won Coach of the Year...

Your world confuses and frightens me

All over my Internets tonight, nothing but Human Cock Fighting. And heavy on the cock, really.

I get that people like to see people beat the crap out of each other; hence the big "Woo!" noises when a safety lays out a receiver, independent of the outcome of the play. I'm not above watching a good boxing match myself, especially if the fighters either have some personal venom in it, or there's some historical merit to the proceedings: Ali-Frazier fascinates me on a near Trickster Mythos level.

But really, are we all so immune to the charms of The Association (or non-March college basketball) that we're rather watch two guys in shorts wrap their legs around each other's necks until one of them says Hello, Sailor?

Tonight in hoop, there were two double-overtime classics, with the Spurs outlasting the very game Grizzlies and the Rockets taking out the Jazz. The Grizz took the elder statesmen of the league to the limit at home, with rookie OJ Mayo looking like the game's next great player; only a very hot Tony Parker could save them. The Rockets rode Ron Artest (!) to 28 points to win despite missing Tracy McGrady; the Jazz are missing Carlos Boozer, Mehmet Okur and Ronnie Milsap.

This, from a league with perhaps the biggest talent base of any sport outside of soccer, and the only thing I've done in the last two paragraphs is make 70% of the readers bent that I'm talking hoop again.

But anyway, back to the human cockfightery.

There's something going on here, and it's not just the Nature Abhors A Vacuum moment of boxing opening the door wide for a competing thrill. It's that, with the utter abandonment of the playing field by pro wrestling for safe bloodsport thrills, and the increasing pussification of the NFL (don't hit the quarterback in 40% of his body, don't pull the ball carrier down from behind by grabbing inside the shoulder pads from behind, don't hit the ball carrier out of bounds even if it's damn near impossible to pull up on the off chance that he cuts it back inside)...

Plus, with the Web's always-on and always-available fountain of video goodness that used to make us feel bad, until seeing so very much of it made us all lose whatever shame we still had around...

Well, maybe I'm just old school for not being more into Human Cockfighting. But, um, still. This is, really, what you want to watch?

A Wonderful Future That Will Never Happen

So the Lakers closed out the Jazz as expected, and the post-mortem are all about how wonderful the future of the Jazz is, given how good Deron Williams is and how the bigs are young and they're deep and well-coached and Andrei Kirilenko was good again and... um, no.

Look, I hate to break this to Jazz Fan, but this is as good as it gets. Carlos Boozer will never become athletic enough to be a shot blocker and get off against more athletic bigs. That means he'll get his lunch eaten in just about any second or third round playoff series, and the Jazz need him to win that matchup. It will never happen.

So you've got a team that's good enough to win 50+ games every year, so unless there's some kind of monumental draft luck, there isn't going to be anyone to upgrade Boozer... and, well, there's lots of people here who aren't as young as you think. Matt Harpring, who gives them important minutes and a lot of hard defensive fouls, is 31; he's not going to get any better. Mehmet Okur is 28, and he's got the same not quick and getting slower issue. Kirilenko is 27 and injury prone. Kyle Korver is 27 and so bad defensively, I suspect he'll be out of the Association in 3 to 5 years.

So unless you really think that Ronnie Brewer is going to develop an outside shot (right after, presumably, he develops a mid-ranged shot), or that Ronnie Price, CJ Miles or some non-rotation player is going to step up... well, no. They are too well coached to fall apart, and not talented enough to really be more. They've got too much of a home court advantage to fall out of the playoffs and get a decent draft pick. They can't attract a top-tier free agent to come to Mormon Town, and even if they did, the number of top-flight NBA stars who'd be happy and productive there are minimal.

So no, there is no great future for Jazz Fan, even if Williams gets better than Chris Paul. They lost in the third round a year ago, they lost in the second round this year... and they're going to lose in the first round or similar next year.

Because the Association is a players' league, and they just don't have enough.

Lakers-Jazz: Hey, Basketball Doesn't Have To Make Me Curse The Gift Of Sight

In the late game tonight, and the late games are killing me, the Lakers held off the Jazz all night in a tight, fluid, and wildly entertaining game. It's 3-2 Lakers.

Here's something amazing about this series: there have been no lead changes. The Jazz had a half dozen chances, and were never very far away in this game... but they just weren't able to get over the hump.

Kobe was Nice Mamba tonight, with 26 points on 10 field goal attempts, 6 boards and 7 assists. He got a lot of help from every starter, who was in double figures, and the home team got huge plays from offensive rebounding.

Your count is now 19 win against 1 loss for the home teams in this round... but I'm going to be Charlie Brown with the football and think this one (gasp!) will have an impact on the next game. The Jazz had a mildly hobbled Bryant, some top-notch play from Deron Williams and Andrei Kirilenko, and they just couldn't get over the hump. Carlos Boozer is in a nightmare in this series, because the Laker bigs are just too long and too quick for his earthbound crafty self, and he hasn't been able to adjust his game. The Jazz bigs are all too similar, with the exception of Kirilenko, who has had a great series but isn't really a big anyway -- just not athletic enough to deal with Gasol and Odom. (And yes, if the Lake Show had a healthy Bynum, this series would be over already.)

I think Game 6 will be close, but I like the Lakers to end this on the road. Say this for the Mamba; he knows how to close out a team, and his back didn't seem to be an issue last night. His coach knows how to close, too.

Yes, He's Still The Same Ballhog

Today in Salt Lake City, the Jazz did more than draw even in their best of 7 series with the Lake Show. Instead, for the first time in the playoffs, they made Kobe and Co look beatable, in a 123-115 overtime win that seemed easier than it was.

One signature play came with 7:18 left -- Luke Walton, all alone, was rejected by backup point guard Ronnie Price, sporting a 4-stitch cut on his eyebrow after a second quarter flagrant foul from Lakers big Rony Turiaf. So while the Jazz were a little fortunate to be ahead, thanks to a ton of Laker misses from the line in the first half, they look more problematic now.

The Lakers refused to go away, with a 12-2 run late in the fourth when it looked over, with Lamar Odom and Derek Fisher doing the damage. But the Lakers weren't able to shut off Deron Williams, who scored over Gasol with 66 seconds left on an out of control dribblefest where he was inches away from a backcourt violation. (You know, people talk all the time about the Hawks passing up Chris Paul, but they also whiffed on Williams, who went a pick later.)

Goat horns go to your MVP choice (not mine), who went 13 of 33 while taking more than 1 out of every 3 Laker shots. Making the selfishness even less palatable was the fact that Bryant was in obvious back pain for most of the game; he didn't have his usual quicks, and Andrei Kirilenko smelled it, with five blocked shots and exceptionally confident 1-on-1 defense. The last Lakers shot of the overtime was an airball 3 from Bryant, not that it mattered at that point.

Both teams looked sloppy and gassed in the overtime, but Mehmet Okur made a couple of jumpers, and the Jazz had ball movement, while the Lakers had a half-speed Bryant trying to force it. And just that fast, the series will go 6.

Can the Jazz win 2 of the next 3? If we've learned anything from this playoff season, it's to never underestimate the power of a home court on secondary players. The Lakers also still own this series at the line, which is even more telling for the team with home court advantage. If Bryant is more than 80%, I think the Lake Show still takes this in 6 or 7.

But if the Lakers are having this much trouble with Williams and Carlos Boozer, they're really not going to do well with Paul and West, or Parker and Duncan... who are, frankly, better than the Jazz duo.

Plus, where the Jazz throw Harpring, Korver, Brewer, Millsap and anyone else that's willing to be on a poster at Bryant, the Bugs and Spurs have more live bodies and sharper defensive bigs. The Spurs also, of course, aren't above making Bryant's back much worse; this is, after all, what Mssrs. Bowen and Horry are for.

So while the Jazz may not win this series, I'm thinking that they're going to keep the Lakers from winning the next one. You know, the same way the Cavs are working the Celtics...

Public Enemy Number One

Here's a continuing story that really doesn't get enough play -- the hate that Jazz Fan is giving Lakers guard Derek Fisher.

Now, I get why you'd want to boo an opponent, and I will never be one of those people who wants to impinge on that right. So long as you keep it clean, so that I don't have to regret bringing my kid to the game, we're good.

But I'm not quite getting why Jazz Fan has such an issue with a guy who only left because, well, the freaking health of his daughter was at stake. Do y'all think that he had her fake it, or that he should just live apart from his family during the majority of the year that he's playing basketball?

Honestly, I don't get it. Besides, aren't people from an overwhelmingly religious part of the country supposed to be, you know, moral and trusting and not overwhelmingly petty and vindictive?

I also don't get why the national media is more or less giving the team and town a pass on this. It's reprehensible on its face, and clearly worse than just about anything that Philly Fan has done. Of course, it's also coming from an organization whose owner wanted to keep "Brokeback Mountain" from being seen by anyone in the state, and who won't be at the game today, because it's on a Sunday.

So, really, Jazz Fan, what the hell is the deal? Should Fisher only get to play for your team, no matter what's better for the life of his kid?

Lakers-Jazz Game 1: Where Standing Around Happens

Today in Los Angeles, the Lakers took the early lead in a playoff series that, I am afraid, is going to be decided by the men in striped shirts. That's a series, by the way, that the Jazz can not win, and that won't be at all pretty to watch.

No one on the Jazz roster can guard Kobe Bryant at all. They are, of course, going to try... so while Bryant didn't really play that well, he still wound up with 38 points, with 19 FT makes. (Today's final tally on free throw attempts between the two teams: 77. Which is a big win for the Laker fans, because when it's over 70, everyone in attendance gets a free sleep mask.)

Several Lakers -- Derek Fisher, Vladamir Radmanovic -- can't defend on the dribble. So it's going to make things a stop and stop some more game on both sides. (In anything less than 30 FT attempts per game, take the over.)

So while the Jazz can feel good, if they want to, about coming back from down 19 to make it a 4-point game before the Lake Show exerted its will... and sure, they will have games where they get more out of Deron Williams and Carlos Boozer, and they always play better at home... well, I'm not seeing them win a game in LA in this series. Or winning all of their home games when Bryant can count on 20+ free throw attempts a game.

However, it was nice to see both team's designated scapegoats -- Mehmet Okur and Lamar Odom -- come through with reasonable games. The Jazz do rebound the ball, and have the bigs to compete with the Lakers.

That will get them a game or two. But it won't get them four, because they don't have Kobe, or anyone who can guard him. Simple game, really.

One More Reason Why We Love Hoop

Tracy McGrady is, according to his Wikipedia page, a husband and father of three, and 28 years old. He's scored over 16,000 points in his NBA career, been to the playoffs 7 out of 10 years, and made almost $100 million in salary to date. By the numbers, he's an even money or better choice to make the Hall of Fame, and his season averages of 22, 6 and 5 go up in the playoffs to 28, 7 and 6. When healthy, he's no worse than one of the 20 best players in the world.

And yet, as you can plainly see from the photograph, he's one of the more tragic figures in the Association. And this, in a nutshell, is one of the reasons I love hoop.

People talk about the body language of quarterbacks, or starting pitchers, or relief pitchers. Heck, one of the best pieces in sports writing history is all about Ted Williams' last at bat, which is all about body language. And in terms of team sports, they are all crushed by hoop.

I can, to this day, close my eyes and see Andrew Toney's jump shot -- 25 years after his best days with the Sixers. Visualizing Charles Barkley assaulting the rim, his body just jumping and jumping like he had springs in his legs, is easy. When you cup your hand to your ear to the crowd, and I know he stole this from Hulk Hogan, that's Allen Iverson.

We know this because in basketball, we are on top of the players, and they don't wear pads or hats. The very best of them know what kind of public performance they bring to the table; they know the importance of performing. They're emotional by nature, and the ones that aren't (I'm thinking about Tim Duncan here) even count, since the moments where they do show emotion stand out.

We see -- and in the case of T-Mac above, *feel* -- everything they are feeling. And since the game is so physically exhausting, it all comes out of them, especially in the playoffs.

I'm sure that T-Mac goes home to his mansion and has no real strong issues about the way his career has gone. But for the moment when it all unravels, for the seventh straight time, for the tenth straight year, it's easy to forget that, and just be in his moment.

(For the only taste I could find of Andrew, here's your link. No embedding on it, but well worth the click.)

Three Out Of Four Forks

Let's start with the Raptors, who had a big advantage at point guard in their series against the Magic, right? Um, er, nope. Jameer Nelson has been fine for the Magic, and Jose Calderon has eliminated any idea that he's better than TJ Ford, all while Ford has confirmed the reality that he's not very good, either. Despite Chris Bosh going for 39 and 15, the Dinos are a game away from elimination now, thanks mostly to a 2 for 15 performance from beyond the arc.

If Andrea Bargnani isn't out of the Association within five years, it will only be because someone is desperate for a 7' three-point specialist for their bench. If there's been a worse second season from a #1 pick that seemed OK as a rookie, I've never seen it.

Who's under the bus that's leaving Denver faster -- George Karl or Carmelo Anthony? The former played scrubs for most of the fourth quarter, while the latter went 5 for 22 in their must have Game 3 spankdown against the Lakers. Melo is now 4-18 in the playoffs, which is the third-worst playoff record in NBA history for players with over 20 games of experience. (Mike Miller's 2-18 leads the pack, Shane Battier is now 4-19, and Grant Hill is tied with Melo's lack of happy times. Something I wish I'd have known before picking the Suns to beat the Spurs.)

Denver's body language in this one spoke volumes, and that volume is entitled "Back the Truck Up And Blow Up This Team." To be fair to Drunken Master Melo, no Nugget of note was worth a damn; AI went 5 for 16, Marcus Camby took 2 shots in 28 minutes and missed 'em both, and Linas Kleiza only had 15. (Yes, that's good for Kleiza, but what the hell, anyone wearing a Nugget uni is damned today.) Post game, there was lots of quitter talk from Kenyon Martin, Karl, and even Coach Phillip, so you might just see the evidence of a spine in Game 4... but I wouldn't bet on it. The Lake Show just won a game where Luke Walton was their second biggest scorer. That's the very definition of Cruise Control.

In Utah, the home team finally won a playoff game, as the Jazz got balanced scoring and the Rockets didn't. A key moment was Luis Scola picking up his fifth and hitting the bench with 6:45 left, depriving the Rockets of a glue guy when they needed one. The Jazz won despite going 0 for 14 from the three point line, which kept the Rockets in the game late: there were any number of missed kill shots in the fourth quarter before this finally was put to bed with Deron Williams throwing down a hellish dunk at 2:40. If Williams wants to the best point guard in the Association in the next round, maybe they will give the Lake Show a series after all... though missing two free throws with 5.5 seconds left was kind of awful. Kudos to Mehmet Okur for the O-board and makes to clinch things.

This one will probably go 6, since the Jazz have been a terrible road team all year, but it's hard to see how Houston is going to win three in a row with, well, one player. But Yao Ming looked good in his suit on the bench. Oh, and nice work from the Jazz faithful in crunch time. "Over-rated" never gets old, and the fans with the sign "Where T-Mac Can't Ever Advance Happens" is also showing some good homework. Your T-Mac Can't Finish Update: 1 FG attempt in the fourth quarter.

Surprisingly, the Hawks were the only trailing team to avoid Fork City tonight with a convincing win over the Celtics; the 9-point final margin included some closing garbage points that made things look closer than they seemed. Al Horford gets the props for a spicy 17, 14 and 6 assist night from the center slot, though Josh Smith's five dunks were also tasty. Mike Bibby shook off his trash talk of the Celtics fans to outplay Rajon Rondo and Sam Cassell, and the C's got little outside of KG.

If Paul Pierce really is slowed by a bad back, their John McCain-esque easy road to the Finals just got harder... but I suspect the "road" team will reassert itself in Game 4. Still, the C's picked a curious time in their season-long evisceration of the Hawks to take their foot off the gas.

You'd think he'd be used to this by now

This would be Tracy McGrady, who has never won a playoff series in his whole danged NBA career, in last night's game against the Jazz.

Utah came into the series as a terrible, terrible road team, and despite being the 4 seed, had a worse record, so they didn't get home court.

Do I really need to tell you that the Jazz punked the Rockets again on their home court, and are now up 2-0 in the best of seven?

No, I didn't. T-Mac did it for me. By existing, before the playoffs even began.(And yes, he had 23, 13 and 9 in the loss, and when your second best teammate was 35-year-old Bobby Jackson and you're actually starting the withered spirit of Dikembe Mutumbo... well, I'm just kicking myself for not picking Utah in a sweep.)

And to think, Raptors Fan was bent when this guy took Orlando's money and ran, soon to be followed by the similarly heartless Vinsanity Carter. Two steps back, three steps forward, Dino Fan...

Macbethketball: The 2008 NBA Playoff Preview

Recently, I took the Shooter Wife to see Patrick Stewart (yes, Star Trek's Captain Jean-Luc Picard -- shut up, he's actually a fantastic Shakespearean actor) in Macbeth, which is playing on Broadway as a straight drama. It was freaking awesome. The show has gotten great reviews, and Macbeth was always one of my favorites in high school and college. Hamlet's OK and all, but for sheer blood and guts, you aren't getting better than the guy with the wife with the hand problem. Spoiler alert: the play ends with Macbeth's enemies parading around with his bloody, decapitated head. It's hard to mess that up, and they don't.

Anyway, I figure if people can milk crappy movies and worse reality shows for blog grist, far be it from me to look a gift witch in the mouth. So without further toil or trouble, here's your Scottish Playoff Preview for a season in which there will be blood.

Chance may crown me: The (L)Eastern Conference

False face must hide what the false heart doth know: Celtics (1) vs. Hawks (8)

Now that the Pacers have managed to just miss getting that coveted 8th seed evisceration at the hands of the latest New England overlords (and no, I'm not going to notice how the Bruins are also in the playoffs, because that would involve watching hockey)... well, can Kevin McHale and Larry Bird just drop the act and admit that they are still on the Celtics payroll? Admittedly, it's far more obvious with McHale, but after giving away Kevin Garnett for less than what he could have gotten from Western Conference teams, it should be obvious -- no trades allowed for GMs with strong ties to a team from their playing days. Or, even better yet,no GMs allowed who used to be players. (And before you rub my nose with Joe Dumars, imagine that Pistons team with Carmelo Anthony or Chris Bosh. Instead, you got Darko. Gahhh.)

Astute readers will notice that I've said nothing about the Hawks so far. Or since. (But on the plus side, it's 4 more games than you've had for what, decades?) Celtics in 4.

Blood Will Have Blood: Detroit (2) vs. Philadelphia (7)

Here's a little-realized fact: the Pistons have ended the Sixers last two playoff appearances, first in 2002-03, and again in 2004-05. As both of those teams were in the waning days of AI1 and involved copious amounts of Larry Brown Hangover, it really does seem like a long time ago, but they really aren't... because those Pistons teams and this one do pretty similar things. The first being half-court defense, the second being taking care of the ball, and third being hitting their free throws when they need to ice the game late.

Philly actually matches up reasonably well with this Pistons team, since Sam Dalembert and Reggie Evans give them reasonable big man defense, and the backcourt duel between Miller/Iguodala vs. Hamilton/Billips is just old-school pleasure. But when the Pistons go to the bench, the Sixers can't match the energy. Also, sadly, Mo Cheeks just isn't that great of an in-game coach, and the percentages (i.e., the Sixers are bad from 3 and the line) will just cost them 5 to 7 points a game that they won't be able to get back. Pistons in 6.

Look like the innocent flower, but be the serpent under 't: Magic (3) vs. Raptors (6)

Orlando won 52 games for the first time since Shaq was young and frisky and working with Dwayne Wade 1.0 (aka Penny Hardaway), and Dwight Howard is Superman and all. But the Dinos can come closer than most to neutralizing him with Chris Bosh, seriously exploit the Magic at point guard, and sic Jamario Moon on the phenomenally overpaid Rashard Lewis.

The Magic will need good play from Hedo Turkoglu, and while he's been gret this year, the track record of ex-Kings in the playoffs (see Peja, Airball) isn't a good one. There's also this: Toronto has a sneaky great home court advantage, and Jose Calderon is playing out of his mind right now. They might even get something out of Rasho Nesterovic (epic contract run) and Andrea Bargani (who is a terrible rebounder for a 7-footer, but a pretty good rebounder for someone named Andrea). Raptors in 6.

Something Wicked This Way Comes: Cleveland (4) vs. Washington (5)

Ever since the Tim Donaghy Spurs/Suns abomination, conspiracy theorists have been able to do anything they want with the NBA, because it's all on the table now. This year's fuel for the suspicious will be the return engagement of LeBron James and raising a supporting cast that, while better than nearly all of the teams in the D-League, would still have a fight on its hands to win the championship there. How bad are the Cavs without Lebron? Well, Joe Smith is probably your go-to guy in crunch time. No, really.

They get the same Wizards team that they've ran through before, in a repeat of an oddly entertaining match-up that saw pre-surgery Agent Zero nearly match King James in a no-defense dance dance revolution. The Wiz are a more balanced team now, since they've had to live without Arenas all year, and Caron Butler and Antwan Jamison are under-the-radar great. But even if I didn't believe in conspiracies, I do believe that James is the best player in the Association. Cavs in 6.

Fair is foul, and foul is fair: The West

Is This A Dagger I See Before Me: Lakers (1) vs. Nuggets (8)

Nothing is quite so fun for this little blogger than choosing a preference for the good teammate who has won a playoff series recently without doing the trade-me keep-me trade-me do se do over, you know, Alleged Rapist Kobe Bryant. I have people still blasting me out of the blue for thinking LeBron is more valuable for winning 45 games with Boobies, Smiths and the dessicated remains of Ben Wallace, rather than winning 57 with what was frequently the best front court in the West.

Yes, Kobe Lovers, I am feeling the burn. And so is your man, scrubbing his hands raw trying to look like a good teammate and decent human being. Sorry. We're not buying it. And in two years, when Lamar Odom has smoked his third strike, Andrew Bynum still isn't the guy you thought he'd be and the Lake Show are back on that 6th seed, one and done treadmill? The spot will still be there, Lady 8.

Anyway... the Nuggets might be the best offensive team ever to have an 8 seed, and if they were in the East, they might do damage. But they can't stop the Lake Show big men, Carmelo Anthony's DUI is really not well timed, and 9 times out of 10, when Kobe wants to put the clamps on Iverson late in the game, he succeeds. Lakers in 5.

Too Full O' The Milk of Human Kindness: Hornets (2) vs. Mavs (7)

It's been a great year for the Hornets, who rode MVP candidate Chris Paul to an 56-26 record and a 2nd seed in the West. David West is the best player in the Association that no one knows about, Tyson Chandler has completely blossomed now that he has a real honest to goodness point guard, and even cranky 'ol Peja Stojakovic has looked frisky.

And I was so sure it was going to end early. But then they went and got the perfect draw -- Dallas.

Let us say this plainly: Jason Kidd can't stay in front of Chris Paul. The Mavs would be better off sending Josh Howard -- or Curly Howard -- at CP3. So while The Hornets do not have the kind of home court or playoff experience that translates to a long run, especially when your grizzled playoff vet (Peja) has a lot of playoff experience in which he self-Heimliched, I can't pick against them. Even with Dirk Nowitzki looking MVPish lately.

It'll be close and grueling and you are crazy if you bet it, and that's amazing for a 2-7 matchup. But not so amazing when only 5 games separate them in the loss column. It also won't really matter who wins, because they are going down in the second round anyway. But for the record, Hornets in 7.

Will all great Neptune's ocean wash this blood clean from my hand? / Out, damned spot! out, I say! All the perfumes of Arabia will not sweeten this little hand: Spurs (3) vs. Suns (6)

Here's how crazy the West is: the difference in the won-loss column between the 3 and 6 seeds is a game. One freaking game. We are also, of course, revisiting the scene of last year's crime, with the Tim Donaghy / David Stern experience. I suppose that, after the Sonic Screw Job, the Donaghy Series is no longer Stern's Greatest Atrocity, but the stain is still there...

The Suns seem to have gelled just in time, and getting the Spurs in the first round helps loads, because Mike D'Antoni seems to be actively trying to prove that benches are for Communists. The Spurs, of course, have Manu Ginobili to get all of the back-breaking late points, and their usual killer defense.

There is also the feeling, that in all of the hullabaloo of the West's upping the ante trades -- Gasol to the Lakers! Shaq to the Suns! Kidd to the Mavs! -- there's still the Spurs, sitting back and watching everyone do their little dance, knowing that they can not be killed by any man borne of a woman. Is there a C-section superstar out there?

The answer is yes, because they win every other year, not every year -- and the Association is going to give Phoenix that nowhere near equal make-up call here. Besides, you were expecting a Macbeth-themed preview to go well for Duncan? Suns in 6.

Double, Double toil and Trouble: Utah (4) vs. Houston (5)

Ah, Tracy McGrady in a winnable first round series. I'd say more, but why?

OK, fine... Deron Williams will treat Rafer Alston like the Macbeths treat their house guests, and while Andrei Kirilenko and Mehmet Okur are just waiting to kill Jerry Sloan with DNP-Choke Decisions in a playoff series, it won't be in the first round. But really, once Yao went down, I've been waiting for the Rockets to die; team play and good defense are great, but the playoffs are about stars, and T-Mac's just not that guy. Williams, on the other hand, is. Jazz in 6.

Bonus Quotes for the Bard Enthusiast...

Canst thou not minister to a mind diseased / Pluck from the memory a rooted sorrow / Raze out the written troubles of the brain / And with some sweet oblivious antidote / Cleanse the stuffed bosom of that perilous stuff / Which weighs upon the heart?

Macbeth's pathetic plea to a doctor to fix his wife from her guilt-crazed wanderings goes to the Mavs, and that was before they had Kidd with his marital woes.

I have almost forgot the taste of fears. -- The Spurs. Yup, I'm just not feeling a repeat.

Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow...

The first round, assuming one of these exceptional series goes the full 7 games, concludes in a lightning-fast 17 days from now. If you've ever wondered why NBA teams don't really work on developing their bench the way they used to, it's simple: the playoff scheduling in the modern cable era has meant that it's really not important.

And finally, jumping ahead to the begetting of the new king...

Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player that struts and frets his hour upon the stage / And then is heard no more: it is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.

The finest speech in the history of nihilism goes for... everyone except the (sigh) Celtics. Short of LeBron playing the finest basketball of his life in a Round 2 matchup, or Detroit rolling back the clock in the same third round where they completely ran out of gas last year, they won't really be tested until the Finals. Once they are there, they will get a team/survivor that has been through the meat grinder for two months.

Combine that with their suffocating defense and sneakily tolerable bench, and you've got something that even Doc Rivers can't screw up.

(And if you are seeing this as another Masstermind-level ploy to help break the hearts of Massholes... well, false heart and all that.)

Malicious Drop: Who's Going To Win The NBA Finals

The good Don over at our favorite Pacific Rim sports blog (With Malice) asked who we thought was going to win the NBA Finals, so we spent some brain cells on the question. You can see the results here, but the short answer is that I'm glad I didn't pick the Rockets, even though it was pre-Ming Tragedy...

Epic Drop: Top 10 Ways Andrei Kirilenko's Trade Demands Don't Measure Up

The list is here, and I'd have more to say about it, but we are talking about a guy who is only really good if you're in a fantasy league... and as the NBA did everything short of make keeping stats illegal last year in their quest to kill any fantasy sports interest... well, it's hard to work up much more than ten things to say.

Oh, and there's also this: Jazz owner Larry Miller is a sad little wet fart of a man, and I'm glad when his team loses. So there's that.

Befuddling NBA Free Agent Signings

This post is in honor of the Phillies player with perhaps the best nickname ever in the history of the franchise, Pearce "What's The Use" Chiles. (Hat tip, Ron Schuler's Parlor Tricks, a fine blog for people who like old-time baseball criminals. I eat that stuff with a fork.)

Past NBA posts in this off-season have stressed the idea that NBA General Managers are captivated by brand name players -- to wit, that they'll overpay for a known quantity, rather than roll the dice with a younger, cheaper energy guy. Or that they'll just break the bank for role players, then wonder where the cap money went.

As a Sixers fan, we can just call these the Kevin Ollie All-Stars -- scrubs that no one would ever win with, without any real promise for the future... and yet they're getting contracts. Because in the NBA, Players Nine Through Twelve are all about getting along. Pearce Chiles will have more to do with whether these teams win or lose than these guys.

Here's the list that I'm sure will grow soon...

Bulls sign Joe Smith. I guess he's here to teach Ty Thomas and Joakim Noah. Funny, I thought that was the job of, um, coaches.

Mavs resign Devean George. 2000 was a long time ago, and he wasn't good then, either.

Denver signs Chucky Atkins. Because old point guards are kind of like old left-handed relievers in baseball -- you can be crappy for a long time before everyone finally gets wind and stop paying you.

Indy signs Kareem Rush. Well, sure. Devean George not being available and all.

Milwaukee signs Jake Voskuhl. Well, he'll give them more than Yi. Can they sign Jake Tsakalidis as well, so they can do the whole identical twin tag team and befuddle the refs? I'm still waiting for someone to get the Collins brothers back together and try this.

Phoenix signs Sean Marks. This one makes sense, actually -- it helps them corner that all important Australia / New Zealand fan base.

Utah signs Jason Hart. This hurts me, as a fellow 'Cuse man, but Jason my man... you are the new Rick Brunson. Rent, don't buy.

Game Five, The Spurs Coronation

A few quick thoughts on the NBA's B Story, behind As The Kobe Turns...

> 30-11 start. Nice of the Spurs to let everyone on the East Coast turn in early.

> Wow, no one saw the Spurs winning tonight by 25. Oh, wait, actually, everyone outside of Salt Lake City did. And frankly, most of them, too.

> Any minute now, Mehmet Okur is going to start playing. And when he does, STEPHEN A. SMITH WILL LET YOU KNOW.

> There is no truth to the rumor that Bob Horry hard fouled Derek Fisher's daughter, causing him to miss the first half. But still, you can see how this kind of rumor gets started.

> Tony Parker's getting married to Eva Longoria? Why hasn't the media told us this before? Dammit, we want details!

> The Jazz have the fifth youngest roster in the NBA. And yet, I still can't help but think this will be their high-water mark. They are a nice story, but they're not the Spurs, they are not the Suns, and they have to have serious doubts about Kirilenko and Okur after this series. (Oh, and also this: they really, really need a 2 with size that can take over a game. They're not going to get one anytime soon.)

> People talk about the Spurs being old, but it's not the parts that really matter -- Duncan, Parker, Ginobili. Their team player bigs (Oberto and Elson) have few miles on the odometer. So long as Duncan is healthy, they have to be the favorite.

> Tonight's game set new records for Most Garbage Time Ever in a playoff game. To give you an idea, Rafael Arajuo played 12 minutes tonight. His entire playoff before that: 13 minutes. (FTT is proud to be the only sports blog in 2007 to mention Rafe. Print this page out for your scrapbook, Big Man!)

> A sincere congratulations to Michael Finley for finally making it to the Finals. So nice that someone on Mark Cuban's payroll will finally get a ring.

> And finally, this final note... Kobe has the most seasons with the same team of any team in the league, with 12. Duncan and KG are second, with 11.

Third? Adonal Foyle, with 10. Seriously. Adonal Foyle. We should all find opportunities so abundant.

30 to 14, Or How The NBA Can't Take Off The Tin Foil Hats

From Urban Dictionary.com...

Tin Foil Hat, also tinfoil hat, or tfh, a general term for a piece of headgear made from one or more sheets of tin foil, aluminium foil, or other similar material. Some people wear the hats in the belief that they act to shield the brain from such influences as electromagnetic fields, or against mind control and/or mind reading. The concept has become a popular stereotype and term of derision; in Internet culture, the phrase serves as a byword for paranoia.

Now what, you may ask, does this have to do with Game 4 of the Western Conference Playoffs, which FTT so perfectly called with the Wile Coyote image below?

Simple. Here's the free throw numbers for Game 4, in Utah.

San Antonio: 30 for 41, 73.2%
Utah: 14 for 20, 70%.

And here are the technical fouls...

Utah 3, San Antonio 0.

And the ejections...

Utah 3 (Okur, Fisher, Sloan), San Antonio 0

And Utah coach Jerry Sloan's post-game quote.

"I don't want to talk about those because all that does is give me more trouble."

Prior to Sunsgate, you could wash this one away as sour grapes from a team watching its hopes go down the drain, and what happens when a playoff tested team that relies on penetration faces a team of jump shooters.

After Sunsgate, you can wonder, especially since noted thug Derek Fisher (?) became the latest guy to be driven to Unsound Play in the presence of Manu Ginobili. It's amazing, just how many people that happens to. Quite a coincidence.

From my vantage point, the Spurs just executed in the fourth while the Jazz unraveled. No crime was committed, no referee's wallet had a Texas-sized bulge, and Deron Williams wasn't being poisoned during the game by sunglass-wearing NBA agents.

But clearly, THAT'S WHAT THEY WANT US TO THINK.

And for Spurs Fans (and we know it's just you now, because even ESPN, who televised this, bumped your game in their coverage for something called "hockey", and if Duke Lacrosse team had won, you'd be on Page Four with Eli Manning coverage) who think we hate their team... no, not really. You're going to the Finals, you've got the best player in the game, and you've made Mehmet Okur soil himself in this series so much that even STEPHEN A. SMITH MIGHT STOP YELLING ABOUT IT.

But just admit one thing: if these guys weren't wearing your laundry, you'd pretty much hate them too, right?

There. Was that so hard?

Game Four

Whoopee! The Cavs and the Jazz both got off the deck in their series. Tonight, the Cavs got a near triple double and 30 points from King LeBron, while Billups and Hamilton gave the Pistons nothing until the fourth. The Cavs also got solid production out of Ilgauskas and Gooden, along with some big shots and tough defense from rookie Daniel Gibson, who also let Larry Hughes find his most effective role in the series. He and Donyell Marshall both provide quality chest bumps during timeouts.

Add it all up and you get... a close win at home, only clinched in the last 30 seconds. We're thinking gravity lessons may come in handy soon.

As for the Jazz, at least they had the good courtesy to take their bounce-back game with a touch of blowout, but with Deron Williams fighting through some stomach illness now (I thought that sort of thing was only supposed to happen to Kobe Bryant in Sacramento), the stage is set for the Spurs to take Game Four.

By the way, this makes for an exceptional subplot to the raging Spurs Paranoia that would be surging through the public, provided anyone was still paying attention to the playoffs.

First they got the NBA to suspend every Suns starter -- and I heard they also had Raja Bell's wife and kids held hostage. Now, the NBA is POISONING THE JAZZ. It's true. David Stern has black helicopters. I can say no more, as they know my location, but with this brand-new rocket I ordered online from Acme, I'm sure I can get away safely...

Carlos Boozer Makes Us Tripucka

The Spurs beat the Jazz last night for the 5,127th straight time in San Antonio last night, taking a 2-0 lead in their Best Of What’s Left To Watch series. Coverage of the game consisted of conversations about the draft (well, OK, not really, but why not?).

The Spurs won despite big nights from Carlos Boozer and Deron Williams, and the happy story, if you are a Jazz fan, is that the home team only won because they were lights-out from the three point line, and your team has been money at home in the post-season.

(If you are a Jazz fan, I’m also contractually obligated to ask you about your four wives as I drink forbidden nectar that has caffeine in it. Later on this weekend, we’re hoping to ask you about praying to convert your dead ex-players, make some Brokeback Mountain censorship jokes, and mock your freakish devotion to the underwear. Please take it personally and post hate-filled replies that assume I’m a Spurs fan, so that you and other Spurs Fans can get into a big flame war in the Comments section. We’re not asking for much, really.)

To this observer, Boozer’s points were Tripucka-esque, and since I just dropped a 25-year old NBA reference because I Am Freaking Old, we got some ‘splaining to do. Why don’t you sit a spell, and put your feet up on a wife, while I whittle up some knowledge?

Kelly Tripucka was a 6’-6” small forward in the Kiki Vandeweghe / Peja Stojakovic / Adam Morrison mold, with a 10-year career from 1981 to 1991. He was a mildly athletic scoring white guy with a good stroke, who could carry you during his hot stretches, and shoot you out of the game when he wasn’t on. He was also notable for playing little defense, whining to the refs in an era when it wasn’t expected, looking like the prehistoric Will Ferrell, and for having a last name that gives frat boys the giggles even today (Tre-PUKE-ah).

Now that the world is filled with armchair GMs and fantasy sports players who value the numbers produced by all-around players, Empty Calories guys like Tripucka aren’t highly valued. But back in the day, Stopping Tripucka, and his 20 points a night, was a major point of discussion on how to beat the Pistons.

The Pistons rival in the Tripucka Era was Don Nelson’s Milwaukee Bucks, who had the best defensive off guard in the game in Sidney Moncrief. Moncrief was, basically, 90% of the defensive player that Kobe or MJ was, but maybe a quarter of the offensive player, so everybody knew he was a defensive hammer. He’d get mongoose-quick steals on the ball, rather than from gambling. Had he been on teams where he wasn’t also the offensive go-to guy, would have probably got himself a ring or two.

You’d think that Nelson would just throw Moncrief at Tripucka and move on to other matters, but that wasn’t the case. Instead, he gave Tripucka his lead, and would watch as he’s pour in 20 to 25 points in the first three quarters. Moncrief would give him some attention, but it wasn’t constant, and the Bucks would rotate various people at him, and keep things in single coverage.

Then the fourth quarter would start, and with the Pistons fat and happy in the trap, Nelson would deploy Moncrief, and Moncrief would shut the door. No one else on the Pistons, having spent three quarters relying on Tripucka for offense, would be ready to step up. The Bucks would win, and the game coverage would be how the Bucks overcame a great game from Tripucka.

It was an incredibly simple trap, but one that the Pistons seemed to fall for consistently, especially in games that mattered.

Now, how does that relate to Jazz-Spurs? Simple. Carlos Boozer is the Jazz Tripucka.

If he scores 30, the story is that he’s having a great game against today’s big man Moncrief, aka Tim Duncan. If only the rest of the Jazz could hold up their part of the bargain, this would be a series...

But the Spurs are winning *because* Boozer is scoring this much. He doesn’t open up the floor for other players. If he’s your early option on offense, the other guys on the team aren’t getting their looks – and NBA players rarely play well on defense when they are not getting some points on the offensive end. He also isn’t going to deliver when they need it against Duncan.

And the player that they really need to score, Mehmet Okur, is getting outplayed by Francisco Oberto. (No, seriously. Francisco Oberto. And you wondered how Nazr Muhammad got paid.)

If I’m Jerry Sloan, I’m doing everything I can to get Mehmet into the series in Game 3. I’m running double and triple screens in the first quarter to get him a clean look from distance. I’m running guards at Oberto and Duncan and having them pop blood capsules for the full Nash Effect.

Because the only way – failing Deron Williams turning into 2000-era Allen Iverson, and even 2000 AI got stopped by superior big men – that the Jazz are going to win this series is if Okur is such a force that he can draw the Spurs big men away from the basket -- and give the Jazz a shot at a fourth quarter where Duncan doesn't do his Moncrief routine on Boozer.

If and when that happens, we might have a series. Williams is making people forget Chris Paul, any team can go cold from the arc, the Jazz do have a solid home court, and Jerry Sloan can walk and chew gum at the same time. I don’t think he’s got the cards to win this hand, but he shouldn’t get swept, and his teams don’t quit.

But if you see Boozer as the leading scorer on the Jazz in the third quarter in a more or less even Game Three, it’s probably safe to shut off the game and go clean your gutters.

They’ve probably got a lot of Tripucka in them.