Now let us all create a non-controversy

So the story in the absence of actual things to talk about was how LeBron James left the playoffs without saying the meaningless platitudes at the end. There's really only two reactions to have this.

1) What an awful spoiled rotten person he is. Boo! He should shake hands like the hockey players do at the end of everything, and the fact that he didn't means the world is going to hell in a handbasket. Hell in a handbasket!

This view is best shown by Michael Rosenberg at (where else for moralizing?) Fox Sports.

"It's hard for me to congratulate somebody after you just lose to them," he said.

I'm with you on that, LeBron. Absolutely, it is hard. Not as hard as, say, putting in 12-hour days at a manufacturing plant, and certainly not as hard as getting laid off from the aforementioned manufacturing plant, but it's hard.

Oooh, playing the laid off card, Michael. Why not go all the way and say it's not as hard as starving to death in abject sub-Saharan poverty? Oh, right, because you're trying to fluff your mouth-breathing readers. Yawn.

2) Who on earth cares? I prefer my athlete to fight to the bitter end of life, the universe, and everything. His refusal to make the pleasantries means that he's just more real than all of these other phonies.

My reaction? Somewhere in the middle. It's not ideal to have the best player in the world look like a sorehead at the end of his playoffs. It's also not very important. As Charles Barkley said lo these twenty years ago, athletes are not (should not be) role models; when they are, that speaks to a long-term deadly failure on the part of the parents. Also, anyone that's idolizing James isn't doing it for his reaction at the end of a season.

Finally, there's this: people who really want to tear down James probably have other issues involved, most of them involving some need to tear down a guy. I don't get that. James isn't an NBA champion; that doesn't mean he isn't the best player in the world, or that the presence of a ring somehow speaks to some moral superiority on the part of the bearer.

In another two weeks, we're going to be calling either Lamar Odom or Rashard Lewis an NBA champion, as if they were an elite player without faults... when Odom is an erratic head case who is one positive marijuana test away from his career ending, and Lewis is an erratic (and wildly overpaid) head case who gives you nothing if his jumper isn't falling, and everything if it is. A ring on the finger doesn't change that for either of them.

Oh, and finally this: in another two days, not weeks, no one will give a damn about James being less than thrilled at the close of his playoff. And, well, a good rule of thumb to live your life is to try not to get bent out of shape by the stuff that isn't going to matter later. So, moving on...

LeBron Sherman Marches to the Sea

Tonight in Atlanta, your punitive favorite for the next NBA championship actually had to play the entire game for the first time in the playoffs. Atlanta led after the first quarter, but not the second, third or fourth, and while the game was close throughout, close doesn't much count when you're facing the best player on the planet at the height of his powers. Despite the worst game of the playoffs for main sidekick Mo Williams, the Cavs were still able to put the Hawks away in four.

The next round might be just as easy, really. Boston and Orlando won't end until Thursday night at the earliest, and if (hah!) that series goes seven, the younger and better Cavs will have a full week to get ready for their home court defense. This much time off at this time of the year can cause rust issues, but when you look at how James is is driving his crew right now, I'm just not seeing that come into play.

Take tonight's game, for instance. Halfway through the fourth, in a game that the Cavs could have easily mailed in so that they could clinch at home, they were up four with the Atlanta crowd in full throat. No one was making anything for the Cavs, but they also were refusing to give up anything from that lead... and then James simply canned a 26-footer off a Delonte West feed, and voila, 7-point lead and Hawk Fan's dream of being the Milwaukee Bucks in LeBron's '82-'83 Moses Malone quest for perfection were dashed.

When the Hawks threatened again at the 2-minute mark, James got the old-school three to make it seven again. And at the 52 second mark, it was his drive and kick to Williams for the dagger three that sealed it. Your final: Cavs 84, Hawks 74, and the Cavs are now 8-0 in the 2009 playoffs. Yeesh.

For the Hawks, it's another year where they made progress -- last year the 8 seed and the first round loss to the eventual champions, this year the 4 seed and the second round loss to the eventual champions -- and the Association is like that; it's crawl, walk, run. But despite their many athletic pieces and appealing home-court advantage, I'm just not feeling the love for them in the long run. Part of this is simply my disdain for Mike Bibby's game (he was 1 of 6 tonight with, um, one assist), some of it is just not liking their bench pieces since they let Josh Childress take Euro dollars: Flip Murray is an NBA journeyman for a reason. I'm also just not getting past the nagging feeling that they made too many whiffs when they had high draft position to ever be a serious contender.

In 2006 with the fifth pick, they take Shelden Williams instead of Brandon Roy, Randy Foye or Rudy Gay; in 2005 it's Marvin Williams instead of Deron Williams or (gulp) Chris Paul. Give me this Hawks' team with, say, Paul and Roy instead of Bibby and Murray, and you've really got something dangerous, rather than just good. As much as I like Joe Johnson, he's never going to be better than he is right now, and what he is right now is nothing that causes James any real worry. And sitting around waiting for the murder of Williamses to be both good and healthy is less fun, really, then watching Paul and Roy.

Finally, we're going to need dangerous in the East soon, because the first time that James burns through the playoffs is entertaining... but the second through sixth? Take another look at that picture of LeBron, and tell me how he stays awake for the other championships...

205 Drop: Top 12 ways to improve the NBA Playoffs

Today's list over on 205 welcomes the return of the NBA playoffs, that 40-day crucible of entertainment where the expected happens, and yet demands viewing anyway. Beyond the snark on the site, I'm genuinely excited, if for no other reason than to see if anyone in the Association actually has the stones to stand up to the James Train.

What normally happens in the NBA Playoffs is that the team with the best player wins, mostly because hoops at the highest level involves getting lifelong alpha dogs (which is to say, every player on an NBA roster) to subvert their ego and do the grunt work. That includes giving up your own stats to devote all of your energy to stop the other team's key offensive player, run through or set picks against the same guys you've been running into for the better part of a week, take charges and get on the ground for loose balls and all of the other things that don't show up in a box score.

The way for the team with the lesser star to win is be less selfish about, well, everything. That also includes giving up your good reputation to thug it up (what, you think Bruce Bowen enjoys being hated?), if need be. But the problem with thugging James is similar to thugging Shaq in his prime; the man's just (much) more physical than the people trying to bring the wood. He's also been such a good teammate that when you try it, you better have teammates that have your back, because the Cleveland bigs are just waiting to prevent your crime.

That's why the Cavs are the presumed champion; they just don't give you much of an opening to overcome their advantages. But they aren't the champion (yet), and if the Celtics can get healthy in the long and easy opening round, they could take four out of seven using the same system they did last year -- having stars (especially Paul Pierce, but also Kevin Garnett) that are willing to play as role players. When the Celtics had to take Game 7 last year against James, it wasn't with Tony Allen, Leon Powe or the departed James Posey taking the train on; it was Pierce. My guess is that he'll try to do it again.

In the West, you get feel-good regular season stories like the Nuggets and Blazers against time-tested teams like the Spurs and Jazz, which should provide rooting interests for casual fans who are tired of the same-old same-old. It all seems like a sideshow to the Kobe Koronation, especially if the Lakers can work Andrew Bynum into effective minutes. There's also the possibility that a dark horse team (my favorite: the Hornets, though some people will get fooled into the eternal tease that is the Rockets) could go deeper than they should and make people forget that Kobe just has the horses this year.

But that's what the NBA Playoffs are: a relentless grind that almost always winds up with the best player holding the trophy. You watch to confirm what you know... and part of what you know is that the best basketball in the world is worth watching, no matter how predictable the outcome.

Awards Time

With the next to last night of NBA action happening tonight, and my Sixers looking like the worst team in the post-season with their sixth straight loss (a 100-98 effort to a Celtics team that didn't have Kevin Garnett or much of a reason to play hard)... well, it's as good a time as any to rattle off my picks for the major awards. Let's get right to it, so I can get the stink of that game out of my mind.

Most Valuable Player -- LeBron James, Cleveland Cavaliers

People have been trying to make this into a competitive race for months now, and the general public, for one, isn't fooled. James is simply the best player in the Association on the team with the best record. The year he's had hasn't been matched statistically since Jordan's glory days.

Which isn't to denigrate the year that Dwayne Wade had. He's the clear number two choice, will most likely survive the first round against the Hawks, and will scare the living hell out of whatever luckless high East seed has to deal with him. He's just not as good as James. There's no shame in that.

As for Kobe, I'm not feeling it. In the future history of this year, he might be remembered for a championship, and he might be remembered as the year that he finally trusted his non-Shaq teammates.

But this is the year in which the most talented player in the league -- James -- became one of the hardest workers, too. Getting back on defense to make a saving and spectacular block just seemed to be a nightly occurrence. The pregame hijinks showed that, in a very real way, he was embracing a leadership role. The way he incorporated and raised Mo Williams, and how the team didn't miss a beat even as personnel shifted, just speaks volumes. And the 39-1 and counting home record just served notice that this was his year.

It's his year. And we're going to keep saying that for the next decade. Get used to it.

Rookie of the Year - Derrick Rose, Chicago Bulls

Chicago is a playoff team, and Rose is their best player. That makes him the choice over Memphis's OJ Mayo, and New Jersey's Brook Lopez. Either of those guys might have actually been better players this year, but point guards just matter more, and it's not as if the Bulls were awash in talent this year, especially with Luol Deng hurt for much of the year. Rose needs to get better, and he will, but for this award, he's more than good enough.

Coach - Rick Adelman, Houston Rockets

There's a lot of thinking that this needs to go to Mike Brown of the Cavaliers, or the criminally under-regarded Jerry Sloan, who has somehow not won this thing for his entire damn career. You could also think about San Antonio's Gregg Popovich, who could get it every year, or the Lakers' Phil Jackson, who really did a fantastic job of making sure that his talent meshed. But for my money, I'm giving it to Houston's Rick Adelman, who survived Ron Artest, the auto-ejection of Tracy McGrady, a near-fatality to big man Carl Landry, a midseason trade of his starting point guard to Orlando, and his best player (Yao Ming) being a defensive sieve despite being 7'-5". I still don't like this team's playoff chances, just because Artest is far too crazy to survive national attention and pressure, but give Adelman his due. This could have been a train wreck, and instead, they are highly competitive.

Most Improved Player - Paul Milsap, Utah Jazz

Most folks go for the easy choice of guys who are scoring more points thanks to an opportunity (the Nets' Devin Harris), a second-year player just finding his range (the Thunder's Kevin Durant), or the slow rising action of an improving veteran (Indy's Danny Granger). I just can't get enough of Milsap's game, a guy who just came from nowhere to be a critical part of a potentially dangerous playoff team, and a guy who more or less Wally Pipped Carlos Boozer in Salt Lake. To me, the MIP is about rewarding this kind of player, not adding to the trophy closet of players who will find themselves getting honored enough.

Sixth man - Lou Williams, Philadelphia 76ers

Everyone takes Jason Terry on this one, but Terry's really not a sixth man; he's just a guy who, for some reason that no one outside of Dallas can really tell me, doesn't start. Williams, on the other hand, is a true bench guy; he doesn't start because he's not better than Andre Miller, Andre Iguodala or Thaddeus Young. But when he comes into the game, he is a real difference maker, having scored an ungodly number of points from that position without being, unlike Terry, a defensive matador. He's a big reason why the Sixers get to the line so much, have a cohesive second unit despite erratic talent, and simply deserves more play than he gets nationally, in that I'm pretty sure no one outside of Philadelphia knows about him at all. Give him the award.

Defensive Player of the Year - Dwight Howard, Orlando Magic

This one's not even close. Howard lead the Association in boards and blocks, the first time that's been done in forever, and he's the only reason why Orlando's situation (i.e., a bunch of guys who can shoot threes, none of whom are known for their defense) works. If he were hurt, you'd be looking at a .500 at best team, because their defense would look Phoenix-esque. I don't think they are a Final Four team, because I don't like their guard play that much, and when your best fourth quarter player is Hedo Turkoglu, that doesn't smell like a championship to me. But that's not what we're dealing with for Defensive Player of the Year. It's Howard, who is good on the ball, off the ball, and in every other way.

Respect His Authority

Today in Cleveland, you wouldn't give the visiting Celtics much of a chance. They were facing the Cavs, who were a mere 38-1 at home this year. They were without their best player, Kevin Garnett. And they were facing LeBron James on a nationally televised game.

On the other hand, being down 31-9 at the end of the first quarter is a bit much.

The Cavs wound up running layup drills with confetti buckets in this one, winning 107-76 in a game were James didn't have to play most of his 30 minutes.

What does it mean, really, for the upcoming playoffs? Probably not much, although one wonders if Garnett's return is going to matter very much if Paul Pierce is going to unfurl more 4 for 17 games. You just have the feeling this year, after watching James more or less put both hands around the MVP award and crush it like an anaconda, that the playoffs could just be a coronation until we get to the finals.

He even has a bench now, since Darnell Jackson gives good minutes, Joe Smith can defend, Wally Szczerbiak can shoot and Ben Wallace now sits. With Delonte West and Mo Williams providing very good support from the back court, and Anderson Varejao finally getting the starter minutes he deserves (welcome to the conscious world, Mike Brown!), it's hard to see how Boston or Orlando really touching them in a seven game series.

And as for the Finals, it's clear that the Lakers have an open path now that the Spurs have lost Manu Ginobili for the year. Honestly, it's really hard to see how that the Rockets are supposed to win playoff games while relying on Ron Artest, the Blazers before they have any real experience, the Nuggets without any real defensive talent, or the Jazz with the same old half-court offensive issues and road ineptitude as previous years.

So, well, it's up to the Celtics to detail the LeBron Train, and who knows, maybe they can summon up last year's memories to get there. But, well... Garnett's good and all, but is he really that much better, to make up 22 points in a quarter and keep the game without reach?

Blogrolling is giving you one-time ship avoiding sexy stink

Hydrogen sulfide (H2S) gives stink bombs and rotten eggs their smell. But according to Italian researchers, H2S has an unexpected side effect: It also triggers erections. Scientists at the University of Naples injected the gas into the penises of anesthetized rats and found that it relaxed penile nerves and dilated blood vessels: The rats quickly developed erections... The results suggest that hydrogen sulfide — which is toxic in high concentrations but acts as a neurotransmitter at low doses — may become a viable alternative to Viagra.

Now, two big points here:

1) Thanks to me, you now know what gas to use if you ever have to give an anesthetized rat a boner. Oh, the trouble this could have saved me back in college!

2) Perhaps more importantly, you now have carte blanche to pass gas in bed. Hell, given the expense and possible side effects of all of those magic erection pills, maybe it's even a moral imperative. Once again, your life is substantially enriched from reading this blog, and yes, you are welcome.

Are you frequently at risk from your inability to avoid huge ships? I know I am! This and other issues of the day (I'm especially partial to "Cheese Problems Solved", despite the fact that it's doing nothing for the lactose intolerance problem) are covered by the NY Times today.

Your MVP, especially if you are the camera crew and want to go home. Good grief, the man's a mutant.

Why does anyone think there is an NBA MVP race?

Association fans seem to be frothing at the mouth about a three-way race for the top dog spot. Let's begin, and hopefully end, with some numbers.

LeBron James - 28.5 points per game, 7.5 rebounds, 7.2 assists, 1.76 steals, 1.27 blocks, shooting 48.7% from the floor and 77.2% from the line. The Cavs are 53-13.

Kobe Bryant - 28.0 ppg, 5.4 rpg, 4.9 apg, 1.27 spg, .47 bpg, shooting 47.5% from the floor and 86.8% from the line. The Lakers are 53-13.

Dwayne Wade - 29.9 ppg, 5.1 rpg, 7.6 apg, 2.26 spg, 1.41 bpg, shooting 49.3% from the floor and 76.7% from the line. The Heat are 36-30.

Now, let's see. One player has the best numbers in five categories, but his team is only six games over .500. Another has the best record in the toughest conference (and I'm sorry, West fans, but that's no longer you -- six out of the seven worst records in the league belong to you, and seeing how you don't have the defending NBA champions, the only argument you've got for being the better conference is historical), along with terrific all-around numbers; he's also got a pretty ordinary supporting cast. The final guy is more or less having the same year he's had for the past five years, give or take a little better shooting and less boards and assists, because his minutes are down.

And the choice for MVP is... um, really, still Kobe? At least for the Lemur's Chris Sheridan, who might be just trying to do that Bad Tooth thing that sports radio does, or might just be a freaking idiot.

Look, I don't have that much skin in the game. I'm not a Heat fan, or a Cavs fan, and my Laker Hate is greatly exceeded by my Celtic Hate, my general Spur Disdain, and my continued Maverick Shadenfraude. I like my Sixers, and fah on all of you for not feeling the love for our 6th seed finish and one-and-done against the Dwight Howards. But honestly, what exactly does the best player in the league have to do to be recognized as such?

Unlike the reigning MVP, King James does not have an All-Star offensive center with kitten-soft hands in his prime (aka, Pau Gasol). Kobe has the coach with the most rings of any active active, while LeBron has to make do with a guy (Mike Brown) that frequently does not seem to be able to find his sizable pantload with both hands and a map.

It's not even like the voters are rewarding the proven playoff performer. Kobe's el foldos against the Suns and Celtics were something even his most ardent apologists have a hard time getting past, where LeBron has fairly heroic doomed efforts against a home-court Celtics team that had three out of the four best players in the series, and a Spurs team that enjoyed similar representation.

Oh, and there's also this. LeBron James has never been accused in a public court of anal rape, along with an admitted case of marital infidelity. Pardon me for failing to Obey My Thirst and just forget about all of that. Pardon me, really, as the father of daughters for *never* forgetting that, and thinking that but for his money and fame, he'd be doing just about the hardest time that there is. And a final pardon, really, for making you remember that your hero had to defend his use of the back door screen in a jury setting.

Now, if you want to argue that Dwayne Wade should be the MVP, I'll take that. He's got ridiculous talent, slightly better numbers than LeBron, and unlike Kobe, isn't just having the same year he always has. I'd argue that the Heat would need to at least get into the top 4 in the East to make Wade a remote argument, but they do still have a fifth of the season to play, and that's not impossible. I'd still probably not buy the argument, because the Heat won't be catching the Cavs on record, and I think their talent is quite comparable. But at least you'd have an argument.

But this abject Kobe Worship... you do realize, Sheridan and the rest of Mamba Harem, that no matter how much you kiss the loon's ass, he still likes it a little rougher than that, right? Just, um, checking...

Fool's Gold

In about 600 days, LeBron James could become a free agent.

There are NBA franchises -- yes, plural -- that appear ready to do little more than sit around and wait until that day.

They will, if history is any precedent, be wasting their time.

Yes, LBJ likes New York and the big lights. Sure, he's friends with Jay-Z, who's connected with the Nets. Maybe Brooklyn (specifically, Park Slope) is that hipster-cool that he'd want to be there.

But honestly, if you're going to New York, why aren't you going to the Garden, especially now that Mike D'Antoni has the Knicks running and gunning?

Or, for that matter, Detroit, where Joe Dumars has shown that, so long as Darko Miličić isn't involved, he knows what to do with a draft board?

There's also, of course, Dallas, where Mark Cuban probably isn't going to let the best young player in the world go without a bid... or Portland, where Paul Allen could say the same... or, well, his hometown Cavs, who might not give him the best chance to win a title, but will be able to pay him more than anyone else... and this is all assuming that some European team doesn't just back the truck up and give him an astounding amount of money.

By the way, I'm missing out on at least five other scenarios here. (Bulls, anyone?)

You see, LBJ is a marvelous prize... but putting all of your eggs in his basket is just a bad bet. Tank to get him and clear cap space, and you make your franchise look like a loser. Pretending that he won't just stay home (especially if, say, Mo Williams works out, and he gets any kind of help from his bigs) ignores what any number of NBA superstars have done for years -- which is to say, keep the market guessing, but eventually take the maximum money at home.

Mind you, there are many, many reasons to be clear in 2010 -- it's also the year that you could be chasing Paul Pierce, Dirk Nowitzki, Josh Howard, Yao Ming, Pau Gasol, Kobe Bryant, Dwayne Wade, Amare Stoudemire, Chris Bosh... and that's just the cream of the crop in Unrestricted Land.

But it's funny... the closer you get to the deadline, the more that teams are going to lock these guys up. No one, of course, wants to see big talent walk without a return. Big talent, for the most part, hates the idea of going all the way to the river before getting paid, when a rolled ankle or blown knee at any moment before payday could mean they've outsmarted themselves out of hundreds of millions of dollars. (Especially when the bad economy has to, at some point, start picking off the weaker franchises. Even billionaires notice when they lose big chunks of money.)

And that's why NBA championships are won in the draft, or at the trading table... but not the free agent market. But feel free to obsess over the market year that will finally change all of that.

Epic Drop: Top 10 Better Ways To Insult Cleveland

The link today is a cheap shot at the city of Cleveland's expense, and here is where I give you the obligatory "I keed, I keed" moment to let Cleveland Fan know there's no hard feelings.

Actually, er, um, no.

Not to take this too far into the gaping gutter that is presidential politics, but in 2004 (you know, back when I wasn't convinced that the media and populace weren't irredeemable), I canvassed and cold-called, since California (where I lived at the time) wasn't in play. This wound up manifesting itself in a lot of work in Nevada, but it also touched on cold calls and letter writing to people in Slow High O.

It was regrettable work.

I also have been to Cleveland in the mid-80s, and dear Lord, that was a bad stadium. I've been to Olympic, Riverfront, Three Rivers and a host of Florida minor league rat holes for spring training games... and they were all better than that hole.

So Cleveland can go pound sand, the same way that Philly can, or Detroit, or Buffalo or Pittsburgh or a dozen other multi-team metropolises. And as for Gilbert getting all thin-skinned for his town... dude, you've got the best basketball player in the world (arguably) playing in a secondary media market, before his big contract. What makes you think that the speculation would be any different if he was in, well, just about 20 other NBA towns?

Epic Drop: Top 10 Signs That LeBron James Wasn't Getting Enough Help to Win Game7

Your list is here, and the amazing thing about today's game is that when you go into the numbers, James had even less help than you thought. Consider the numbers:

Szczerbiak: 1 board in 15 minutes

Ilgauskas: 2 for 8, 8 points and 5 boards

Wallace: 3 points and 4 boards in 30 minutes

West: 15 points, but 6 turnovers, in 45 minutes

The whole damn bench: 21 points in 72 minutes

And the final damning point... James was one Joe Smith rebound and a single blocked shot away from leading his team in every single category. That's points, free throws, three pointers, assists, boards, steals, and blocks. I can't remember a game where that was ever the case.

And if you're wondering about the Bird-Dominique game, in terms of relative support... For the Hawks, Doc Rivers had 18 points and 16 assists, Randy Wittman had 22 points, and the Hawks scored 69 non-star points in all. In terms of a Game 7, you've never seen a one-man act like today's.

"With No Regard For Human Life!"

That was the call from the great Kevin Harlan in the one truly exciting moment from the latest fugfest (that's a step up from an ugfest, for the curious) from Cavs-Celts. This may be the worst series to ever go 7.

The Dunk isn't available just yet, so tide yourself over with this little montage. Ye gads.



With 1:45 left and the Cavs up 7, James finally shook Paul Pierce, went over James Posey, and threw down as Kevin Garnett gave him a body shot -- and that, ladies and gentlemen, was your ballgame.

And the reason why we watch. Just fantastic. The home teams are now 15-1 in this round of the playoffs, and we're going long in everything but Pistons-Magic.

Who wins the best of 3? Well, the smart money always goes on the home team in these things, and as bad as the Celtics have been at closing games on the road, they've been in Uber Mode at home.

It's hard to imagine, however, that James is going to continue to shoot this badly, no matter what kind of defense he's facing. And when you've got the best player on the floor -- and that's James, despite the shooting woes, because he wound up with 21, 6 and 13 assists -- you've always got a chance in a Game 7. (And if the Pistons close the Magic in 5, it really won't matter who wins this, because the Conference is going to Detroit.)

Something that the world misses in giving the Celtics credit for their great defensive job on James... yes, indeed, but he's doing the same thing to Pierce. He and the looking-entirely-spent Ray Allen were 10 of 26 for 28 points tonight, which is officially Whoop De Damn Do Territory. Garnett disappeared, of course, with 4 points in the second half; if the Cavs had managed to hit some shots before late, this would have been a 20 point game. If the Celts don't have a lead, they're not winning, at least not in this playoff season.

Oh, and Cleveland Fan? Boston Sucks is a lovely chant, but it needs another section to answer with what, exactly, they suck. If you catch my drift.

May the Road Rise To Eat You

And that, my friends, is how you execute a double jinx. Tonight in Cleveland, LeBron James continued to mock my MVP selection of him, but the other Cavs showed up with a vengeance. All four pieces of the mid-year trade (Smith, Sczerbiak, Wallace and West) came up big, and the Celtics continued their playoff-long road sleeping sickness.

Something I like to do when I watch pro hoop is give a lot of focus to the first half of the second quarter. It's rare that you think too much about that time of the game, since it's when the bench players get their time, and everyone likes to look at fourth quarter scoring as the be-all and end-all of NBA existence. But it's that bench time that frequently sets up everything, and it's not beyond the realm of possibility that tonight's game was decided there.

From the start of the game, the Cavs came out hot; West and Wallace pushed things nicely, and no Celtic looked good early, with Rondo and Perkins looking especially lost. By the end of the quarter, it was 32-13... and by the half, that lead more or less stood, after a 22-20 Celtics bump in the second, despite a pretty despicable James Posey flagrant necktie, choke and toss on James.

By holding the lead, the Cavs were able to keep the arena buzzing, avoid any sense of worry, and ensure that the Celtics would spend the half thinking that tonight wasn't their night. Just as many games in baseball are won in the middle innings, before you get to a closer, so too was this game won when the Celtics were unable to cut the lead down and make things uncomfortable for the home team.

Special points as well to James, who shook off the continued bad shooting with 8 assists, 4 blocks and 3 steals, among them a breathtaking block of Rondo. That play, which ended with a West 3, was more or less the game in microcosm... and Game 4, and the Celtics' last chance at going into the third round with a shot at the should be resting Pistons, is Monday.

You Won't Like Him When He's Angry, Or When You Are Stupid Enough To Make Him Angry

Charles Barkley has called the Wiz "the dumbest team in the history of the universe" for their general play, but I think he was especially going for their, um, strategy of claiming LeBron James was overrated. James had 30 last night, which was also the margin of victory for the Cavs, and it really wasn't even that close. (Put it this way -- LeBron had 30, 9 and 12, and didn't play the last half of the fourth quarter. That's how little he thinks of you, Wiz Boys... he didn't even want to get the triple double. Harsh.)

For the Wiz, Gilbert Arenas is in popularity free fall. Agent Zero really should have just forgotten the entire year, because while in theory a few good minutes of him off the bench is a matchup nightmare, he's forgetting the good part (2 of 10, 4 personals, 3 turnovers). They are also going to be without the services of starting fouler Brendan Haywood, who decided to try to change the mood with assault with a flagrant foul and ejection in the third quarter.

Can the Wiz get back in this on their home court? Sure. It's not like the Cavs are, you know, all that good -- heck, some people have even called them very beatable and overrated. (Those people, of course, play for the Wiz, and have spent the last two games playing basketball with LeBron's shoes up their ass.) That assessment is correct: the Cavs are not world beaters. But the Wiz won't get them, for the third straight year... and maybe that will finally shut 'em up. (Or, more likely, prompt their management to ship some of the bigger idiots out of the District.)

Epic Drop: Top 10 Signs That LeBron James and the Cavs are getting some calls

What, you thought I was going to let the Sixers getting jobbed on Fan Appreciation Night (amazingly this year, the Fan is plural) by the NBA's Anointed One pass without a list? Not a chance. Not even the one that you might want to give the Wizards in their probable first-round playoff matchup with King James.



(For the record, I do think Sam Dalembert fouled the guy. I also think that if you can't get away with a call on your floor with 0.2 left on the clock in the fourth, you are officially hosed in any playoff series. Nice year, guys.)

Why You Don't Want To Face The Cavs In The Playoffs (aka Duh)

Tonight, the Sixers played a really good road game in Cleveland. They came out and didn't commit a turnover in the entire first quarter, getting a ton of easy points on the break. The Cavs, having played the night before, looked sluggish, and the Sixers led by as many as 11 on three separate occasions.

And then in the second half, LeBron James showed up and exerted his will with a near triple double and 26 points, and while it was tight in the second half and a one-possession game late... the final result was what you'd expect. Cavs 91, Sixers 88.

The problem isn't just James, of course. Cleveland's got a fine home court crowd and advantage. Ilgauskas and West gave James some critical support. But while the Sixers might be able to give the suddenly creaky Pistons some worries, and maybe even the Magic could stumble if they can't hit their threes... the Sixers, as presently constituted, just need too much from guys like Thaddeus Young and Louis Williams to win games against really good teams. And the Cavs are one of those teams, just because James is that good.

Even when you win a ton of games and look like a legitimate dark horse in the East, it's pretty clear when you step up in class. And in the NBA, one player does beat five -- assuming that one is one of the best players in the history of the game. (And the really scary thing is that he's still getting better.)

Bad Idea Jeans Moments Of The Week

Do you remember the old SNL skit "Bad Idea Jeans?" It was back when the Dockers commercials were everywhere - kind of like the Chevy "Our Country" ads today. The spoof showed guys making terrible decisions while wearing their "Bad Idea Jeans." It's time to revive that old skit with today's current events. Here are the Bad Idea Jeans moments of the week:

1. Golden State names Stephen Jackson as a captain. Yes, that Stephen Jackson who went into the stands wit Ron Artest. That Stephen Jackson who will start this season with a 7 game suspension for pleading guilty to a felony gun charge (he was shooting it in the air outside an Indianpolis strip club). And the same Stephen Jackson who recently got a new tattoo - of two praying hands, in front of a church window, holding a gun. When asked about it, Jackson replied "I pray I never have to use it again."

2. LeBron James wears Yankees hat to playoff game in Cleveland. Huh? Come on BronBron. You're too smart for that. Fine, you've been a Yankees fan all your life. You play for the city of Cleveland now. This is your family, and your family happens to like other teams despite the Cavs, like say, I don't know, the Indians. So what do you do? You go to a playoff game in Cleveland wearing the other's team cap. I only wish you played for the Sixers and went to the Phillies/Rockies game yesterday wearing a Rockies cap.

3. Picking the Phillies and Cubs in my playoff pool. First off, I hate the Cubs. My thinking in picking them was "Well, if they advance, at least I'll get something out of it." But now as I watch the games it's horrible - I can't root for them even though I picked them, and the fact they're going to get swept pisses me off that I didn't choose the D'Backs so I could double my enjoyment. Excuse me as I go punch myself in the face again. Ah, so this is how it feels to root for the Cubs. And the Phillies? What was I thinking? Betting against the hottest team in baseball was dumb enough, but betting on any team from Philly in a playoff situation is plain stupid.

And for those of you wondering about the Bad Idea Jeans skit.... enjoy.

BAD IDEA JEANS

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Now, Not Later: The Focus of the Spurs

There is a wish, amongst those of us who still pay attention to the NBA (I know, it's theoretical, but at least we're not at the NHL level yet), to just get this season over with, put it in the books, give the Spurs their five minutes of huzzah and get on to what's *really* important.

Candidates for that include:

> Whether or not Greg Oden is a young Bill Russell, or secretly older than Bill Russell

> How Kevin Durant's weak as a kitten arms will somehow keep him from destiny -- being a slightly better Rashard Lewis

> How much of a stiff the tall Chinese guy (Yi Jianlian) will turn out to be, and what team will cause their fans to rip out their hair and take him

> Which member of Florida's frontcourt will translate into this draft's Chris Bosh (i.e., off the radar early, and possibly better than all of them late)

> Whether or not the Hawks will pass on a can't miss point guard yet again, so they can see just a little bit more of Tyronn Lue and Speedy Claxton

> How the Sixers will package all of their picks together to ensure their continued .450 existence as a phenomenally irrelevant team in a city that is quickly forgetting that it really loves basketball

> The bare minimum that Isiah Thomas can do to remain employed, and continue to make life easy for those of us who like to blog about the NBA

> Which team will overpay for Chauncey Billups

> Who would win in a Find Your Ass contest: Flip Saunders or Mike Brown (my money's on Mike, but only because he's got a bigger ass, and he puts his thumb in it so often)

> Whether or not Shaq, in a fit of hunger, will eat a dieting child on his reality show this summer

See, I just ripped off ten future points without really trying. My mind's in the future too. It's something we all do.

But in all of that -- the stuff that is, simply, more interesting than the Worst Finals Ever and the Worst Season Ever -- there's a simple but telling point... none of us, with the noted and extreme exception of the San Antonio Spurs, are living in the present moment when we dwell on these things.

We're all off in some wild blue future yonder, where the games are more interesting, the new lineups are more compelling, and Bill Walton is a silent figure on aging footage, throwing an outlet pass.

If Drew Gooden has ever, in his entire NBA career, devoted himself fully and entirely into the game... well, I'll eat my hat. In ten years, when he gets released and looks at a closet with 7 uniforms in it, he might -- might -- have a fleeting memory of what it was like to be in the Finals, having a Hall of Famer carry his water.

Watch LeBron James, clearly fouled on the final play of Game 3, shrug it off in five minutes and give Bruce "The Hitman" Bowen a mouth job for his 13 points in that game.

I hate to invoke Saint Jordan here, but how do you think he would have played this? No one wants to remember this, but the '90s Icon rode the refs worse than anyone this side of Larry Bird.

He also got the calls.

And when Jordan lost a series, early in his career, he wasn't concerned about his global marketing in the aftermath. Instead, he was creating new and exciting holes in his teammates.

Why? Because Jordan was entirely in the moment (no, I'm not saying heat -- I've looked at enough YouTube videos of that for one lifetime, thank you). Jordan was entirely committed to winning. He'd rather lose a family member than a game. He'd rather lose his livelihood than a bet.

This makes him a highly flawed human being, and a pretty terrible GM. It also made people want to watch him play basketball.

And that's not what they saw from the Cavs, despite James having (shh!) a better all-around game than Jordan did at the same time in their careers.

The Spurs? Hitman Bowen does not care that he's got a worse reputation in the league now than Ron Artest. Robert Horry's sole goal in life is to fill his hands with rings, so that he can win his game of Championship Ring Whip It Out with Scottie Pippen.

Manu Ginobili, for all of his flops and soccer theatrics, puts his nose into more contact than Steve Nash. Tony Parker sublimates his scoring to feed Tim Duncan. Tim Duncan sublimates his scoring to feed Tony Parker. Both of them take charges when they don't have to, fight through picks in blowouts, and make teammates that weren't this intense in other locations -- you think it's a coincidence that Jacques Vaughn and Brent Barry could stay in front of the Cavs' penetration, while Gibson, Pavlovic, et al could not do the same? -- suck it up.

And even in Game 3, when they had absolutely no legs, bounces or rhythm, they won on the road, mostly because they had the presence of mind to not do dumb things. Game Four, they got to every board and made just about every free throw. They focus.

On the final truly competitive play of this season, Anderson Varejao tried to penetrate and score from 25 feet away, against the best defensive big man in the game. One suspects that his head was in his own little video game, where Anderson has given his avatar God skills, or something. No matter what, it wasn't in the game.

The Spurs do not have that issue. They do not care who their first round draft pick is. They are not worried about who their coach will be. They have no meaningful free agent or salary cap issues. They don't really care what the Mavs are going to do, or the Suns, or any other team. They worry about these things as much as a lion would worry about what the gazelles are plotting.

When you live in the moment, you have power. You aren't multi-tasking, procrastinating, serving two masters or distracting yourself with doubt. You are a laser, a machine, a simple device that is monomanical in its focus. You are the Spurs, a team that takes care of today while everyone else is thinking about tomorrow.

And so, you win today, and probably tomorrow as well.

Top 10 Signs That Game 3 Is In The Bag For The Cavs

For the 87 people planning to watch Game 3 tonight, look for the following telling points that the Cavs be getting a little extra help.

10. Duncan picks up his second foul early. During the jump ball.

9. Bruce Bowen guards Eric Snow instead of LeBron James, just to make things harder on the refs.

8. Mike Brown's substitution patterns make sense. (Sorry, that's from our Top 10 List of Signs the World Is Coming to an End.)

7. The part of Ziggy Ilgauskas is being played by Amare Stoudamire.

6. LeBron James is so AGGRESSIVE, he's painted himself green. LEBRON MAD! LEBRON SMASH!

5. Robert Horry is seen walking around with a steel chair held high over his head for minutes on end, but before he can swing it, Dwight Goooden punches him in the stomach, causing him to buckle over in pain.

4. ABC flashes the final score at halftime.

3. James shoots 20 free throws. In the first quarter.

2. In crunch time, the Spurs go-to guy is Francisco Elson.

1. Anderson Varejao sets the Finals record for most charges taken, and is miraculously unhurt after the game.

Prepare for the drama that only an obvious swerve can deliver!

Five Quick Thoughts On Cavs-Pistons

1) Well, so much for the idea of a final close game this year. Yeesh.

2) When Rasheed Wallace was ejected and given a technical, Doug Collins on TNT went on for some length about how this meant that, if there was a Game 7, he'd be suspended.

I can't imagine that I was the only one who thought, "Um, Doug -- that's really not going to be a problem. Honest."

3) Give the devil his due -- Mike James *is* a coaching genius. His strategy to conceal his best point guard for most of the year, forcing Cavs fans to endure Hughes and Snow at the point, left Detroit with absolutely no film or idea on how to defend Daniel Gibson. He's a genius!

4) I, for one, can not wait to see Varaejo vs. Ginobili in a Flop Off. The resistable force meets the movable object!

5) Gregg Popovich gets to coach against one of his old assistants.

Somehow, we suspect he's sleeping soundly.

Spurs in five (only because the League and LeBron will insist on carrying at least one of their home games)...

This LeBron Kid Is Pretty Good

In our quest to provide an entertaining sports blog, and because we're old and bitter and it's much easier to write about stuff that sucks then stuff that's great...

Well, if any of that contributed, in any way, to any of you choosing not to watch tonight's Cavs-Pistons game, we sincerely apologize.

Tonight, Detroit played its first (relatively) good game of the series. The Cavs, or at least the Cavs who don't have JAMES on the back of their jersey, scored 1 point in the last 16 minutes of the game. And won, because LeBron poured in 29, many of the Open Your Eyes Extra Wide and Use Your Hand To Raise Your Jaw variety.

LeBron's final line: 48 points, 9 boards, 7 assists. It was like watching a basketball version of "Kill Bill."

Now, Cleveland has spit the bit against this Pistons team before. Without James going into Uber Mode tonight, they play their worst game of the series and lose. Either of these coaches is capable of losing at any time -- tonight's game included a half dozen dazzling mistakes from both Saunders and Brown.

Having said all that, Cleveland *should* take care of business, especially if McDyess is suspended for his first quarter flagrant foul, and we all know how much the NBA enjoys suspending players for playoff games. They actually got something out of Hughes tonight, their bigs are just providing more energy, they've been the better team most of the series, they can close at home, and they have James. That last point being, really, the only one that matters.

This will lead people to believe that James can pull off a Wade-like performance in the Finals, go to the line 15 times a game, and create a series where there should be a wipeout. At the very least, it delivers us from Jar Jar, and gives people the Good v. Evil storyline of Messiah James vs. Mean Old Bruce Bowen.

Unfortunately, I can't imagine that happening, because I can't imagine the Spurs would defend James one on one, and let him get to the rim for two consecutive last minute dunks, in a close game.

Frankly, I'm having a hard time imagining the Pistons allowing that either, and I just watched it.

Also, if the Spurs made Mehmet Okur soil himself, what will they do to Drew Gooden, who isn't nearly as tough -- or Zydrunas Ilgauskas, who isn't as mobile? (Yes, we know the Spurs were 2-0 against the Pistons in the regular season, and 0-2 against the Cavs. We also know that Mike Brown's idea of a halftime adjustment involves a private moment and an elastic waistband.)

Anyway, Game 6 is Saturday in Cleveland, and as there has been five games and 290 minutes of basketball where neither team has had more than a 10-point lead, you should probably watch it.

Like tonight, you might see something astounding.

It also should be the last game of the year that's close.

Unless LeBron does something crazy, like score 29 out of the last 30 points...