The WWE Is Making Nugget Friends

The big story on the Internets on the NBA's off day is that the WWE and the Denver Nuggets have an event conflict for Game Four of the Conference Finals. With over 10,000 tickets already sold for the existing event, this is a relatively simple matter of negotiating between two parties... but that means a cheap PR moment would pass Vince McMahon by, and it's not like he's going to miss that, is he?

"Even though the Denver Nuggets had a strong team this year and were projected to make the playoffs, obviously Nuggets and Pepsi Center owner Stan Kroenke did not have enough faith in his own team to hold the May 25th date for a potential playoff game," said WWE Chairman Vince McMahon.

Considering that this would mean that Kroenke was projecting a team finish that was better than they've finished in decades, and that he would also have to know exactly how the television schedule would fall out... well, um, I'd have given Vince the date, too. After all, the building doesn't pay for itself.

As for what happens next? Well, as much as Blogfrica would love to see some kind of hybrid event, I suspect that the NBA's superior dollars (and the fact that Kroenke owns the building) is going to win the day here. But if Kobe wants to pursue any kind of angle with that girl from Eagle? That's the kind of heat you can't buy, folks...

Blogrolling with Mickey Rourke and the Blue God of Death

Wondering why the Academy didn't give Mickey Rourke the Oscar for "The Wrestler"? Probably because they were rightly terrified of what he'd do with an open mic. This one's special.



Tito Santana, still wrestling, still better than that punk Mickey Rourke. Mildly encouraging, in that he doesn't sound like he's going to die. It also amuses me beyond words that the heel is a computer tech named Tom.



Fairly neat little song (it's been on commercials, aka the new top 40 radio), from the second pop band I've ever seen in my life that has a harp on stage. Since my band was the first, it gets a play here. Their lead singer, of course, is more commercially successful...

Buy Michael Jackson's stuff! There's at least 50 really regrettable and legally actionable jokes to be made here, but I'm not going there. After all, the man was on "The Simpsons," you get to rock out his tunes on "Guitar Hero," and just recently, he was trying to make a 50 foot tall robot of himself. That's not the kind of person you want to annoy, really. (And yes, this whole thing really was just an excuse to post a spliced Project A-Ko clip, 45 seconds that make me love life. just because B-Ko at her most obsessed is a wondrous thing. Who wouldn't be down with a violent workaholic exhibitionist who can make Blue Gods of Death?)

Top 10 ways to spice up your fantasy baseball draft

Hey, one of the best days of my year -- Live Draft Day -- is coming up, and as always, I'm looking to bring it up a notch. Last year's had dry ice smoke, a championship belt, and entrance music for every owner, so the bar is already pretty high... but dammit, that's why I run the best damned league in the world. (Or, well, at least, my world.)

If you're ready to make the day more memorable, feel free to bring in any of these sure-fire strategies.

10) Hire King Kong Bundy. According to his site, he's available as either a wrestler or a comic (and if one believes his MySpace page, he's a Philly guy - shocking!).

Imagine the thrill that your league mates will have when their picks are insulted by a real live pro wrestling superstar, especially one that is likely to hit you with a steel chair if you don't laugh at his jokes. Just make sure you hire a second, emergency back-up wrestler for the run-in if things go badly.

9) Strippers. This one's obvious but easy, and particularly effective as a counter to the guy that always brings porn. It can be pricey, but what's money compared to mamm... err, memories?

8) Spike the food and booze. Go creative here. Laxatives or pot in the brownies, extra liquor in the punch, or good old acid in the salsa. It's why they call it gambling, folks.

7) Go upper tank. My old rock band had a guitarist that used to do this at the end of every long-term session in any recording studio that we worked in. It wasn't one of his more endearing traits. But hey, you want to win, right?

6) Competitive eating. Works best with ribs or some other food where you've got visible remnants of your gluttony. If your opponent has the meat sweats and no feeling in their left side by Hour 2, you've won!

5) Owner Strife. Got co-owners who are reaching that divorce stage? Push them along with a well-timed whisper campaign. Got a league that's antsy about personal conflict? Convince the co-owners to stage a fight -- the more over the top the better, for the fear/hope that it will turn real halfway through -- that will have the shy violets in your league staring at their shoes in embarrassment.

If you can get thrown dishes (preferably not yours), that has to mean your sleeper will slip into the late going.

4) Midgets. If dumb guy television (and, well, my own unfortunate life of being shorter than Muggsy Bogues) has taught me anything, it's that guys will give way too much attention to the little people. Hire one to come by and help with the draft, or just to stand in the corner looking ominous, like they are an extra in a David Lynch movie.

And if they can dance around a miniature Stonehenge, so much the better.

3) Pets. Know a man with a snake, and have no snake phobias of your own? It's time to draft with that bad boy on your shoulders. Can you stand the smell of feral ferrets? Drop on by the pet store and bring a few of your new babies with you. Ready to put on an eyepatch, have some crap everywhere bird on your shoulder, and scream Arr! a lot as the fantasy pirate? Ye hearties, man!

Just remember, you tried to leave your pet home, but that darn wife/ girlfriend/ cellmate wouldn't stand for it. Look, he's so cute! He likes you! Why don't you hold him for an hour or two while I draft?

2) Sideshow. Can you draft while on a rented bucking bronco machine? More importantly, can you possibly avoid making a draft pick while on a rented bucking bronco machine? How about your skills in a never-ending Pop-A-Shot battle, preferably with some neighborhood kid who isn't actually in the draft, and has been paid to egg you on by the commish for the entire draft while the rest of the league drops magnets on your laptop?

It's all fair in love, war, and fantasy nerding.

1) Midget Strippers. The nuclear winter of draft distraction. Use at your moral peril, because once you've gone to the Midget Stripper option, nothing else will compare. (And no, the Shooter Wife isn't available.)

Blogrolling is Now Video-Riffic, 50% Off, And Has Wrestling Chickens

Celebrate the historic career of Brett Favre as a Jet for 50% off! Who knew that history came in such small chunks, or with such obvious Everybody's Gonna Laugh At You issues. I'm pretty sure these prices will be going down, down, down, folks.

Please also note the typos in the graphic, which are as they were when I looked at the site this afternoon. This is a Special Franchise, people.

One of the guys in my fantasy leagues went to see La Lucha Libre (aka, Mexican Wrestling) in its natural habitat in SoCal. It's pretty much what you expect, at least until Chupacabra and the Wrestling Chickens show up. Then, you will wonder, yet again, at the unmistakable wonder that is Man.



The Basketball Jones takes the Dunk Contest to the streets. The cuteness is palpable, and "It Feels Gooood."


TBJ AZ 03: The People's Dunk Contest from The Basketball Jones on Vimeo.

Blogrolling: Coming For Your Niblets

The final insult to Steeler Hater Nation... if you make fun of Terrible Towels, you are a Terrible Person.

HHR with the real live author interview and get (it's Stefan Fatsis, doing the George Plimpton thing with the Denver Broncos). It's like they are a real site or something.

I don't know if this is legit, but you know they don't like you when the crawl writer is tearing you a new one. Courtesy of Sports By Brooks.



Here's some pure nightmare fuel -- the Green Man is not just coming for your jobs and your women, but your very niblets. That lunge move at the end made my junk move up and in like a plane taking up the landing gear.



And just to prove that pro wrasslin' is more than bad ideas and shameless PR from Vince McMahon... here's some bad ideas and shameless PR from one-time WWE heel Kurt Angle, now working with the #2 federation. He wants Rod Blagojevich to come join his heel group. Too bad Wrasslin' Fan has no idea who Hair-Rod is...

The Five Tool Movie Review: The Wrestler

Took in this intriguing little movie tonight, which stars Mickey Rourke in the role of a lifetime as an aging wrestler trying to make it to one last return to glory while managing the wreck that is his life. Rourke is simply mesmerizing, Marisa Tomei is courageous and effective as the stripper he's involved with, and the stuntwork and gritty realism of the behind the stage scenes is just spot-on.

About the highest praise that I can give to a movie at this point in my dotage is this: I haven't seen this movie before. Rourke deserves the accolades he's getting, and director Darren Aronofsky does a dozen small, clever and useful things, but the single best thing he does is let Rourke work. See it if you want to see a great actor at work -- and can take a good amount of gore, naturally. It is wrestling, after all.

Not so much on the gratitude

Yes, the wrestler isn't happy with bronze (he felt he was wrongly disqualified by the judges). Of course, the real word for bronze is "Second Best Loser", and on a greater point, why doesn't this happen more often, really? (H/t, World of Isaac)

This Jimmie Will Make You Submit

When last we left our favorite small college, the Jimmies of Jamestown College in North Dakota, they were bursting through their conference and refusing to be denied in the manly art of college football.

That's all well and good; we can all see how it takes some major pipe to have gridiron success. But what do our wondering eyes do perceive... but the existence of Lady Jimmies... getting scholarships for wrestling?

Not to go all royal on you here, but we're not sure how to take this news. Should we be oddly aroused, in a good-looking American Gladiator / UFC / WWE Diva sort of way.... or just completely terrified?

As it seems the Jimmies are importing Hawaiian spam-eaters (I know of what I speak here, my fellow haoles), it seems to split right down the middle. As with many things in this world, weight will decide many things, and liquor will be the cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems.

Upon further review, we welcome our new Artic Overpeople (see how I avoided the whole lords / ladies thing there? that's good PR), and wish them well as they defray the high cost of a quality Dakotan education in the Sisterhood of the Traveling Singlet.

Distaff Wrestling Jimmies, show us your love! (But first, it would probably help an awful lot if you got us drunk. And greasy.)

Epic Drop: Top 10 Signs You Are (Stupidly) Mixing Sports With Politics

Your link is here, and the bonus reason is that you think a thoughtful treatise on what kind of NFL player might come out of the closet might get any traffic at all...

And for the record, the presidential candidates shilling for the WWE? I can't stop wincing. Really.

Japan Is A Confusing Country

(Just to make sure no one's taking this place too seriously after that Ground Zero thing.)

Marks and Smarts: A Steroid Tangent

In pro wrestling and carnie lingo, a mark is a member of the paying public that's ready and willing to be duped, tricked, or if you are feeling charitable, entertained. A smart is someone in that crowd that's in on the routine, or part of the business.

We spend our time, as sports fans, ping-ponging between these two roles. The mark roots for the laundry, thinks that home field advantage is all about the rabid support we give our team, and is much more willing to listen to discussions about heart, character, and grit.

The smart watches for signs of betting conspiracies or league-wide directives, and while they may be harder to please, they're also much more likely to watch.

Both want to just be Fans, want to just be entertained and enthralled and waive their sense of disbelief for the duration of the entertainment.

Marks may become Smarts, but Smarts will never become Marks... at least not full-time. Smarts may become Marks over individual players (especially if the player in question is young and possessing of limitless potential), but they'll never go back to being Marks all the time.

Marks will always outnumber Smarts. And cheer louder, buy more merchandise, take more kids to the game, leave earlier, and be much more disturbed by steroid, HGH or any other enhancement.

And this, really, is the danger of roids and HGH, and why the glibertarian approach of saying that we should just let anyone do anything falls down. Not because it makes the record books meaningless, or because it adds a bloodsport / Colosseum aspect to all of our sports that's unseemly at best and inhuman at worst.

But because a sport that's playing to an audience of just Smarts is (a) small, (b) quiet, (c) meager, and (d) depressing. It's like a musician playing a gig to no one but other musicians, or bloggers only being read by other bloggers, or chefs cooking only for restaurant workers. It may seem like the way to finally get the idiots out of the conversation, and a welcome change to all of the pandering to the masses... but it's also not sustainable.

Marks are needed. And steroids kill them.

Mr. McMahon: The King Of All Sports

(Forbes Magazine) STAMFORD, Conn. - WWE Inc. reported 52 percent drop in profits in the second quarter

(Hollywood Reporter) A glitch in Nielsen Media Research equipment led to lower-than-normal ratings for USA Network for five days last week. ... This past week's "Raw" episode showed a dramatic drop from a 3.4 household rating to a 2.5 rating, according to Nielsen Media Research.

You know, I started down the path on this post of talking about Chris Benoit and the unreal PR moves that the WWE did in the wake of the event, and how I think we're six months away from implosion (defined as cancellation of some of their television properties).

But then it struck me -- the real reason why the WWE is struggling is overexposure, and not of its own product. More so, this -- all sports is the WWE now.

Don't believe me? Let's go to the videotape. Has the WWE:

1) Ever fashioned a "heel turn" that matches Mike Vick in effectiveness?

2) Had a more hissable villain on top of its rankings than Barry Bonds?

3) Seen its champions stripped of their belts in mid-reign in unbelievable scandal, like this year's Tour de France?

4) Created a more biased ref than the NBA's Tim Donaghy?

5) Had its commissioner look like more a bumbling idiot than Bud Selig in his herculean Bonds monitoring?

So it's no wonder Vince McMahon blew the Benoit killings. He's too busy running every other league to make sure his own is OK. I hope they're paying him royalties.

FTT Makes You Humble

Let us all now bask in the wit and wisdom of old-time wrestling heel the Iron Sheik. Not Safe For Work, Children, Or Your Ass.



When I am old and playing fantasy leagues, I'm so copying his act. (I may also have to wait until he's dead, to be safe.)

Thank You, Gods of Comedy

Answering the prayers of sports bloggers everywhere, this:

Pac-Man Jones to sign with pro wrestling organization.

Two things about this:

1) To complete the fall from grace, it's not even the WWE. This is like going to Scranton to make porn.

2) They say he won't wrestle or be a heel, but they also say that he's an NFL player. Your media, lying to you once again.

And just because I'm in the mood... Pac-Man' Top 5 Possible Signature Moves:

5) The Arrest -- that's where you handcuff your opponent. Despite being anti-climactic, it's how every Pac-Man bout ends.

4) The Shutdown -- this wildly overrated move involves buying your opponent's fake, then getting beaten like a red-headed stepchild. Truest move to his career.

3) The Coach-Killer -- here, you bring someone to the ring with you, then turn on them viciously.

2) The Suspension -- A "rest" submission move where you hang your opponent over the ropes with your money belt. Lasts an inordinately long time, even by overwrought wrestling standards.

1) The Rainmaker. What else could it be? Throw fake money in the air, distracting opponent. Beat the crap out of the opponent, then take back the money. (So what if he stole this from Ted DiBiase? It's not like he hasn't stolen every other move from Mo Clarett.)

I have so many unanswered questions about this. What's his entrance music? Does he lose matches when someone yanks him around my the dreads? Does he have mic skills? Will they trot out a hapless Jeff Fisher-esque lackey/valet? Do strippers accompany him to ringside, only to leave disappointed? Will he make it rain for fans in the front row? The mind reels, and reels, and reels.

H/t, 100% Injury Rate. And thank you, Pac Man. If there were a Sports Blogosphere Man of the Year, you'd take it hands down.

Perhaps the greatest WTF? in TV History

WWE performer Chris Benoit apparently killed his wife, 7-year-old kid, and self over the weekend, after canceling from a pay per view event.

The WWE canceled its television events for last night.

The USA Network, to fill the hole, put in a... three-hour tribute to Benoit.

In other news, the NFL Network has decided to *NOT* pay tribute to Rae Carruth and OJ Simpson, MLB has decided to *NOT* pay tribute to Donnie Moore, and the NBA has decided to *NOT* pay tribute to Jayson Williams.

(Special points for anyone who wants to equate USA's decision with MSNBC's move to air the Virginia Tech killer's tape. You're right. And I need a drink.)

Top 10 Signs That Game 3 Is In The Bag For The Cavs

For the 87 people planning to watch Game 3 tonight, look for the following telling points that the Cavs be getting a little extra help.

10. Duncan picks up his second foul early. During the jump ball.

9. Bruce Bowen guards Eric Snow instead of LeBron James, just to make things harder on the refs.

8. Mike Brown's substitution patterns make sense. (Sorry, that's from our Top 10 List of Signs the World Is Coming to an End.)

7. The part of Ziggy Ilgauskas is being played by Amare Stoudamire.

6. LeBron James is so AGGRESSIVE, he's painted himself green. LEBRON MAD! LEBRON SMASH!

5. Robert Horry is seen walking around with a steel chair held high over his head for minutes on end, but before he can swing it, Dwight Goooden punches him in the stomach, causing him to buckle over in pain.

4. ABC flashes the final score at halftime.

3. James shoots 20 free throws. In the first quarter.

2. In crunch time, the Spurs go-to guy is Francisco Elson.

1. Anderson Varejao sets the Finals record for most charges taken, and is miraculously unhurt after the game.

Prepare for the drama that only an obvious swerve can deliver!

Step Into My World

More random moments that convince us that (a) this is no longer Our Country, and (b) athletes should be seen and never, ever, ever heard...

1) AJ Pyrzinski, David Ecksetein, and Johnny Damon (guess he needs the money?) are involved in some bush league pro wrassling outfit. Here's your requisite YouTube link. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6pWEI1m0VRM

For the record, who doesn't want to hit AJ with a steel chair? It's just a shame that Damon hits like he throws.

2) Stephen Hunter, no longer on our fantasy NBA team, on John Amaechi admitting that he's gay...

"For real? He's gay for real? Nowadays it's proven that people can live double lives. I watch a lot of TV, so I see a lot of sick perverted stuff about married men running around with gay guys and all types of foolishness."

Yup, all types of foolishness.

3) Tony Romo, on being given the job of holding for kicks at the Pro Bowl...

"It's always good to get that taste out of your mouth. You've got to move on. Eventually you've got to get on and get ready for the next season, and that's what I'm doing."

Tony, your next thing is being the temporary starting QB for Wade Philips, who sabotaged his over .500 run in Buffalo by jerking around Rob Johnson and Doug Flutie. Your owner thinks that bringing in guys like TO is conducive to winning. And when the smoke clears after next year' 5-11 Cowgirl Cry, it's going to be Cowher Powher, and some new QB with a star on his helmet that doesn't answer to the name Joe Pisarcik Jr.

But enjoy the Pro Bowl.

4) But just on the off chance that we paint all athletes as morons in front of a mic, let us sample the wit and wisdom of someone who gets paid to do that job.

It's just -- they're focusing on this guy like they don't focus on anybody! And I tell you, I know what it is. The media, the sports media, has got social concerns that they are first and foremost interested in, and they're dumping on this guy -- Rex Grossman -- for one reason, folks, and that's because he is a white quarterback.

-- Rush Limbaugh

Now, you can say Rush is a flaming moron, someone who wasn't paying any attention to the season-long wailing and gnashing of teeth from the Bear Nation, or just a guy in need of a white hood and some flammable crosses.

FTT will be charitable, and say he's looking forward to putting money against the Bears next year, too. After all, Sexy Rexy was the Colts true MVP...

Rejected "Heel" Profiles from the WWE

(Hat tip: Bruno in CT)

1) Stark Haywire

Stark's a baseball bat-wielding monster who may or may not be using banned substances to achieve his success in the WWE. Banned from his first sport for his uncoachability and willingness to start bench-clearing brawls, Stark has brought his "anything goes" atttitude and willingness to cut corners to the WWE. If he wins a championship belt and becomes a role model, will America survive? Only time will tell!

Finishing Moves: Long Ball Blast, The Needle Drop

2) Wide Out

This gifted but troubled superstar is a three-ring circus, in and out of the ring. With an ever-changing array of spokesmen and women, handlers, security staff and his "posse," Wide Out is always up for outside interference in his matches. Watch out for treachery as Wide Open puts old friends "under the bus" with devastating speed!

Finishing Moves: The Press Conference, The (Bust You) Wide Open

3) Buck Moral

Buck is here to clean up the WWE with his own brand of two-fisted morality. From tut-tutting scantily clad women to lecturing the crowd on the dangers of noise pollution, Buck isn't afraid to dampen any blanket. He's sure to clash with Wide Open in a feud that will have the fans talking for years to come!

Finishing Moves: The Oral Submission, The Post-Game Wrap-Up

4) Freaky Zekey

Ezekiel Q. Daly doesn't look like a WWE superstar, in his impeccable pinstriped suits and expensive ties, but don't let looks deceive you -- he's a talented athlete whose only flaw is his unbelievably bad judgment. "Freaky Zekey," as the crowds will call him to his maddening torment, will snatch defeat from the jaws of victory week after week with a series of comical mishap and tragic errors. Like a real-life Wile E. Coyote, Freaky Zekey will keep trying more dubious schemes with more disastrous results. Our crowds will love laughing at his antics. Oh, Freaky Zekey, will you ever learn?

Finishing Moves: The Bad Trade, The Really Bad Trade

5) Soccer Mama

This ill-tempered dynamo is sure to get the fans on their feet. In her arsenal of attacks is spine-curdling lectures about how Americans just don't appreciate the world's game, sickening fake dives to get the referee's attention, an aversion to any actual physical contact and the constant threat of outside interference from drunken hoodlums. This big bad Mama is more than a few orange slices away from a good breakfast.

Finishing Moves: The Car Seat Spank, The Zidane Splash