Thank You, Gods of Comedy

Answering the prayers of sports bloggers everywhere, this:

Pac-Man Jones to sign with pro wrestling organization.

Two things about this:

1) To complete the fall from grace, it's not even the WWE. This is like going to Scranton to make porn.

2) They say he won't wrestle or be a heel, but they also say that he's an NFL player. Your media, lying to you once again.

And just because I'm in the mood... Pac-Man' Top 5 Possible Signature Moves:

5) The Arrest -- that's where you handcuff your opponent. Despite being anti-climactic, it's how every Pac-Man bout ends.

4) The Shutdown -- this wildly overrated move involves buying your opponent's fake, then getting beaten like a red-headed stepchild. Truest move to his career.

3) The Coach-Killer -- here, you bring someone to the ring with you, then turn on them viciously.

2) The Suspension -- A "rest" submission move where you hang your opponent over the ropes with your money belt. Lasts an inordinately long time, even by overwrought wrestling standards.

1) The Rainmaker. What else could it be? Throw fake money in the air, distracting opponent. Beat the crap out of the opponent, then take back the money. (So what if he stole this from Ted DiBiase? It's not like he hasn't stolen every other move from Mo Clarett.)

I have so many unanswered questions about this. What's his entrance music? Does he lose matches when someone yanks him around my the dreads? Does he have mic skills? Will they trot out a hapless Jeff Fisher-esque lackey/valet? Do strippers accompany him to ringside, only to leave disappointed? Will he make it rain for fans in the front row? The mind reels, and reels, and reels.

H/t, 100% Injury Rate. And thank you, Pac Man. If there were a Sports Blogosphere Man of the Year, you'd take it hands down.