Making It Better: Next Year's All Star Game Festivities

FTT knows that all of you people, at least the ones who aren't searching for Paris Hilton photos or a free iPhone, think we're just all day haters. You'd guess that the all-day pudpull that is the MLB Home Run Derby is just going to angry up our Old Man Blood.

Nothing could be farther from the truth (or, for that matter, The Truth). It's simple -- we kid because we love. So here's some activities that can give next year's event a little zazz.

1) Home Run Derby

A downer this year, due to the shadows, pitcher's park, lack of roids, and lack of roid users. Chris Berman was so depressed calling those blasts, he only peed himself a little.

Next year, let's make MLB relate better to all the kids out there, and make it tee ball. Then, improve the democracy of the people catching the home run balls by going to an aluminum bat, so that it's not just people in the front rows catching the shots.

Now, we know what you're saying -- that much advantage to the hitter makes a mockery of the Derby, and could lead to injuries from the balls hitting the stands at 200 miles an hour. Well, we've got a solution for that, too -- switch to racquetballs. I've been hit by those at full speed in the back of the head and went on to win the point, so I'm pretty sure that any fans will survive the impact. And just imagine how excited Berman will get for that!

2) Wall Ball

When I was a kid, the big baseball-like game we played (when we weren't playing, well, baseball) was called Wall Ball or Suicide.

The rules were simple. You threw a ball against a wall, and the other players had to field it cleanly. If they muffed it, you could pick up the ball and try to break your friend's ass in two with it. They could clear themselves by running to the wall and screaming (sometimes, depending on what kind of ball you were using, with real terror) "Wall Ball!"

You also got to peg the thrower if you caught the ball off the wall on the fly. The target could, of course, take evasive action.

Imagine the excitement when real major leaguers -- especially in an inter-division match-up -- have the chance to take out their opponents.

Plus, it gives ESPN another chance to hype a Red Sox vs. Yankee moment. Can Julio Lugo finally be of some use to the Sox and put Derek Jeter on the disabled list? Will Manny Ramirez be able to learn how the game is played before Hideki Matsui ruins what's left of his brain? You've got to tune in to find out!

3) Outfielder Off

The game's best centerfieders are positioned on a spot in the outfield, and balls are shot into the first row of the stands from a precision slingshot system (you know, like the ones they use to distribute T-shirts). Berman's call here doesn't have to change much ("He brought that back back back back back back back back!"), which is good, because we don't want to stress the poor man.

Torii Hunter vs. Gary Matthews Jr. -- who can bring more back? We need to know!

4) HBP Derby

Why let the power hitters have all the fun? In this short but painful contest, leadoff hitters and general irritants compete to see who can collect the most hit by pitches. Contestants will be judged on form, the quality of their pain acting, and their ability to glare at the BP coach in a menacing manner.

The Berman commentary here will be outstanding, and we'll also have a contest that will ensure Craig Biggio's participation for decades to come. "Down goes Utley! Down goes Utley!" You'll be forcing a smile over that one for seconds at a time!

5) Tarp Rolling

Inspired by the Phillies' epic good karma moment (see clip below), we're adding a final event for teams that are ready to show their all-weather stripes. Contestants will be judged on speed, accuracy, and artistic flair. Special guest judge Vince Coleman will preside.



Add these events, and we're certain that the pre-All Star Game festivities will be so exciting, fans will clutch themselves with anticipation. And after the players get used to them, maybe we can sweeten the pot by giving more home games to the winning league in the World Series. It's all for the integrity of the game.