AFC Portents of Doom

Thirty two teams wih a chance. 31 will drink from the chalice of defeat. When will you know it's your team's turn to partake of the bitterness? You could watch the games, or you could read this blog. Today, we'll look at the AFC, also known as the one with the good teams.

AFC East

New England

On field: When Tom Brady continues his transformation into the non-clutch guy with all of the regular season stats (like The Highlander, There Can Be Only One) by throwing a back-breaking interception in a playoff game. Even money on whether or not the Patriot faithful get their heads away from his nuts long enough to notice.

Off field: When Bill Belicheck, confronted by the bling and star power of new off-season additions, starts dressing as if he has a job and home.

New York

On field: When the Jets are Bad Touched by The Noodly Appendage that is Chad Pennington's right arm, in a wintry game with wind.

Off field: When Eric Mangini, confronted by the track record of Papa Bear Belicheck, starts dressing like a homeless man.

Miami

On field: When the euphoria over Trent Green not being as bad as Daunte Culpepper and AJ Feeley wears off.

Off field: When the team comes to the awful collective realization that they still haven't really gotten over losing Ricky Williams.

Buffalo

On field: When it becomes obvious that even though Willis McGahee will never be as good as he thinks he is, he's a damn sight better than what's left.

Off field: When JP Losman reveals his name to stand for Jean Pierre.

AFC North

Baltimore

On field: When Steve McNair discovers he's 49, and the rest of the division doesn't go 20-28.

Off field: When Brian Billick gets arrested following a fight in an elevator when a fellow rider, who claims to be a big NFL fan, can't recall the Ravens ever making it to a Super Bowl, much less winning it.

Cincinnati

On field: When Levi Jones, permanently spooked by the Joey Porter assault, turns into a turnstile, leading to a brutal injury to starting QB Carson Palmer. (Hey, Bengals fan -- I don't mean to alarm you, but your back-up QB is Doug Johnson. Aii.)

Off field: When the entire team goes crazy on Kentucky moonshine, leading to a hilarious, madcap 18-car chase through all of Hazard County. Watch out for Chris Henry's death-defying jump over the Spence Bridge!

Pittsburgh

On field: Fast Willie Parker starts looking like Duce Staley, or Ben Rothlisberger lookslike he's back on the motorcycle.

Off field: Joey Porter slays 14 in an elaborate revenge killing, and is fined heavily by the NFL. (Big ups, by the way, to Joey for timing his off-season bitch slap of Levi Jones for the Offseason of Vick and Pac-Man. Impeccable timing.)

Cleveland

On field: When the regular season starts.

Off field: When Brady Quinn cashes in on the big endorsement deals and worldwide fame that awaits him as the NFL's first openly gay quarterback. Seriously, Brady, go for it. We're all behind you.

AFC South

Indianapolis

On field: The lack of a quality third wideout since Brandon Stokeley succumbed to White WRS Can Only Have One Good Year Syndrome, combined with the fact tht they are one Bob Harris injury away from not being able to stop the run at all, spells doom.

Off field: Peyton Manning decides that, after conquering all his demons last year, it was more fun being tortured.

Jacksonville

On field: The budding QB controversey of Leftwich/Garrard, combined with the budding RB controversey of Taylor/Jones-Drew, creates confusion, dissent, and 25 million pissed-off fantasy football owners.

Off field: Jack Del Rio ups the ante on his previous wood chopping antics, causing the loss of three-quarters of his kickoff coverage team.

Houston

On field: The Denver zone-blocking/clipping scheme fails to take hold outside of Denver. Also, Ahman Green continues to steal money in ways that Edgerrin James can only applaud.

Off field: Houston fans, who only know what it's like to watch David Carr get sacked, fail to adjust to watching Matt Schwab get sacked.

Tennessee

On field: Vince Young succumbs to the Madden Jinx by losing resolution and becoming pixelated during a game.

Off field: Albert Haynesworth quits the team to pursue his new love, River Of Pain Dance. His one-man show in Vegas, where he stomps on the faces of prone celebrity imitators, becomes the hottest ticket in town.

AFC West

San Diego

On field: Shawn Merriman can't stay healthy and/or on the field due to his pharmaceutical commitment, and the secondary fails to develop, despite its high draft picks (I'm looking at you, Quentin Jammer).

Off field: Norv Turner, lacking confidence in starter Philip Rivers and back up Billy Volek, develops an inexplicable quarterback controversey by bringing in Gus Frerotte and Heath Shuler.

Denver

On field: Jay Cutler is praised repeatedly for his "game management" skills, telling the whole world that he's not a quarterback that could ever win on the road against a decent opponent.

Off field: Mike Shanahan's head finally explodes from the force of pure hate generated by tens of millions of fantasy football players over his constant dicking around with RB carries.

Kansas City

On field: After last year's crippling workload, Larry Johnson develops an uncomfortable resemblance to Earl Campbell -- today's Earl Campbell.

Off field: The team discovers, to its eternal shame and horror, that they actually traded to get Herm Edwards as their coach. GM Carl Peterson is driven to madness over the continual reminders of the mistake, and commits the NFL's version of seppaku -- being arrested while trying to order naked at a fast food drive-in.

Oakland

On field: The NFL rules that the Raiders have to play games against other NFL teams this year, destroying its hope to work their confidence back up by smacking around CFL teams for a while.

Off field: Al Davis kidnaps Jon Gruden, and through an elaborate procedure involving a bone from his late father, the hand of an underling, and Gruden's blood, achieves human form once again, dooming the Raiders to another ten years of spectacularly bad decisions.