Blogrolling: Do Not Be Like This

I rarely post video of the first Mrs. Shooter, but when she earns it, she earns it. (I also rarely make this cheap of a joke. OK, the latter is a lie.)



The MoonDog has redesigned his sports blog. Go and tell him how much you hate it, and want the old site back. People who do a huge amount of work on their site always appreciate it when you do that.

Grand National Championships with your college basketball bubble teams. I promise not to care about this unless my alma mater (Syracuse) goes on a big run, at which point I'll become all knowledgeable and stuff. (Go Flynn Go!)

Quick Hit with the top 13 scariest masks in sports. The top spot is an unquestioned winner, and kind of reprehensible.

I'm including this last one more for the technical freakiness of it all, but if you insist on seeing a sports parallel, it's easy: the protagonist is A-Roid, and the dude he meets is Bonds. Also, I am the Walrus.


Hemlock from Tyson Ibele on Vimeo.

If no one is hiring, you are retired

This just in from Los Angeles... according to a paparazzi who had the pleasure of photographing The Home Run Thing, Senor Bonds is not going to retire from MLB.

Um, Barry? If no one is employing you -- and why they'd do that now, as opposed to last year -- you can retire or not retire all you like. I'm not retiring from MLB either, and you, Dear Reader, also won't give up The Dream. Send us all some pension checks now, please.

Epic Drop: Top 16 Players for your MLB Dead Pool

The list tonight is a bad piece of business, which makes me think it's going to get a lot of traffic, comments, links and the like. Just so long as it makes some raging Red Sox Fan convinced that they need to go nuts over any hint of dark humor about Jon Lester, I'll be happy. (If I can enrage a Red Sox fan with the Celtics up 3-1 in the NBA Finals, that's a real accomplishment.)

Epic Drop: Top 11 Signs That Barry Bonds Is Definitely A Victim of Collusion

Here's the link, and if you'll allow me a moment of seriousness... independent of the possible +1.000 OPS that he'd give you for 110 to 120 games (and that, of course, assumes that he gets through the year without doing time in the federal pokey for perjury), I'm not sure where he's a good fit, well, anywhere. At this point in his career, you can only play him at DH. When he's on the bases, he makes Frank Thomas look swift. He's a train wreck for the media just about every day, and can't stand the press just enough to be dangerous. And he's really only coming back for one last meaningless milestone, this one 3,000 hits (he's 65 away).

So, collusion or no, high OPS or not, who on Earth would take him? Which team's fan base is puling for him to be signed? Honestly, as an A's fan, I'd rather see 400 at bats of Jack Cust. At least that way, when the team loses, I won't feel like they've sold their souls while doing it.

Epic Drop: Top 10 Reasons Why MLB Is Restricting Access

Your link is here, and I'd say more, but I got nuthin'. Maybe more tomorrow...

Epic Drop: Top 10 Reasons Barry Bonds Might Play In Japan

Your link is here, and the video clip at the end of the post is from one of my great joys in life, an incredible little ball of cheese movie called "InfraMan." Princess Dragon Mom, the head villainess, is a cute Asian chick with blonde hair (sure, it's probably a wig), a whip, and the ability to turn into a flying rubber monster. She leads her army of weirdly swaying dudes in rubber suits, along with hundreds of remarkably disposable guys in black unitards, against Our Hero, who Science has given a super suit complete with on board nuclear reactor.



And it all makes more sense -- much more, really -- than Barry Bonds going to play baseball over there...

Epic Drop: Top 10 Winners in the Bonds Indictment

Here's your list. I figure that I'll be the only blogger who writes about Bonds today. It's just not that big of a story, really...

And here's your bonus winners: ESPN, who will milk this thing for another month of higher than usual ratings and annoyance, late-night television shows, if and when the writer's strike is canceled, the MLB Players' Association, who no longer have to worry about San Francisco Left Fielder messing up their merchandising deals. all of the previous Roid Boys (who's going to be bothering Mssrs. McGwire, Palmeiro, Sosa, et al now?)...

Hey, you know what? It's harder to find a loser in this situation than a winner really. Oh, wait... I think I know who the loser is...

Today's least surprising sports headlines

Hall rips Falcons over move

Right on the heels of the Grady Jackson cut, Falcons "star" CB DeAngelo Hall is less than pleased. I agree with him on one point, though: "They need to cut all 53 of us. Nobody is playing the way they should be playing right now, obviously. I mean, we're 1-6." I think he's overstating the case, though. Jerious Norwood seems OK, and Michael Koenen has been punting the ball pretty well. The other 51 can go.

Bonds bitter over departure from Giants

According to Baseball Almanac, Bonds has been paid over $165 million dollars by the Giants during his 15 years there, with over $105 million of that coming in the last six years. How much, do you suspect, would they have had to pay for him not to be bitter?

Yankees could hire manager this week

Especially if there's a chance, you know, that it could get them some media coverage. You know, by coincidence.

Gift Plans for the Barry Bonds 2008 Farewell Tour

Ed. Note: Barry Bonds said that he expects 2008 to be his final year. How will NL team say goodbye in his final appearance in their park?

NL East

Atlanta - Sid Bream re-enacts his famous playoff dash to the plate that beat Bonds' throw by scoring from second base while using a walker; re-enactment takes less time than actual play

Philadelphia - Special commemorative battery given out to fans to throw

New York - Life-sized Mr. Met bobblehead given to Bonds; statue's head is, still, smaller than Bonds'

Florida - Quilt woven by all 47 Marlin season ticket holders

Washington - Congressional immunity

NL Central

St. Louis - Extra-wide Arch replica that Bonds can fit his head through

Chicago - A four-year, $60 million contract and a new job as the lefty short man in the pen

Milwaukee - Sausage Race now has new character contestant, Needly

Houston - Craig Biggio's small children offer themselves up for some farewell insults from Bonds

Cincinnati - A remarkably forced handshake and photo op with Ken Griffey Jr.

Pittsburgh - Special "This Is Your Life" surprise program / intervention / roast

NL West

Los Angeles - Special commemorative bats give out to fans to throw

Arizona - Brand-new trophy mistress

Colorado - His own life-sized humidifier to sleep in (may help to reduce post-career head swelling)

San Diego - Die-cast figurines of all of the Padres pitches Bonds has violated with his 86 career long balls

San Francisco - Giants owner Peter McGowan has underlings sign a card and email an Amazon gift certificate from his address

Light and Shadow

There is a time-honored literary device of Evil being unable to withstand the touch of Good. If you've been on board the Harry Potter train, it's the fight scene from the end of the first book/movie. It's why the Emperor needs Vader to do his dirty work in the Star Wars movies, and part of the reason why villains in animated movies inevitably turn monstrous before dying. (Especially women -- you can't kill a girl, no matter how bad she's been, unless she's a dragon or crone or snake or something. But I digress.)

It's a simple thing, really. We want to believe that the mere existence of Good -- a power that all of us believe we have, even if we don't choose often enough -- will protect us from darker concerns.

Hey presto, you can even find it in the Bible:

"And the Light shineth in darkness, and the darkness comprehended it not." - John 1:5

Now, before I send you scurrying off to some other blog that is making with the funny or the sports, or make you wonder about my ever-encroaching mortality or embrace of religion... let me reel this back in.

This summer, we have seen:

> Cal Ripken and Tony Gwynn, two longstanding single-team baseball superstars, with no signicant character flaws, off-field notoriety or steroid taint, inducted into the Hall of Fame

> Jon Lester return to the mound after staring down mortality, in the form of cancer

> The Roy Hobbsian return of Rick Ankiel, who performed the miraculous feat of reinventing himself as a credible outfield prospect after having his previous career as an exceptional pitcher shatter into a million pieces on the playoff stage

> The utterly fearless work of John Smoltz and Greg Maddux, each going directly at the Bonds Menace and denying him, for another day and another, much more forgettable pitcher, his dubious legacy

> Craig Biggio finally reaching the 3,000 hit milestone, announcing his end of year retirement, and then hitting a grand slam in his next game back, in a Ted Williams-esque defiant blow against mortality

> Tom Glavine completing a two decade long journey to 300 wins, a feat that many believe may never be done again (for the record, I'm not one of them)

What have we, the sports blogosphere and media and fans, chosen to spend our time on?

Bonds, Vick, Bryant, Donaghy, Pac Man.

All of those "good" stories? Reported once, then tossed aside like a used Kleenex. Nothing new to see here, not much grist to use for mocking, no way to channel outrage beyond the hollow bleat of "Why can't Disgraceful Athlete be more like Praiseworthy Athlete?"

Please get the following: I'm not pointing a finger here. Read my work here or on Epic Carnival, and you'll see that I'm in the same camp of negativity.

It's visceral, it's easy, it lends itself to comedy, and it's a basic law of journalism: if it bleeds, it leads. If you get bad customer service, you tell 13 people; good, four.

But it's a choice.

So if you're disgusted by the current state of sports -- if you can't get beyond the bad stuff, or even if you find yourself reading one too many stories saying how disgusted the writer is by the current state of events...

Choose to watch, and think, about something else. (Me, I'm kind of obsessed with Ankiel these days.)

Epic Drop: Giants Release Bonds

Today's Epic Drop covers the shocking -- too strong. Surprising? No, not really. OK, noteworthy news out of San Francisco that the Giants have parted ways with home-run king Barry Bonds. It's just a click away.

Oh, and if you're looking for amnesty from Bonds? I hear you, and will deliver. In the words of Great American Stephen Colbert... moving on.

Mr. McMahon: The King Of All Sports

(Forbes Magazine) STAMFORD, Conn. - WWE Inc. reported 52 percent drop in profits in the second quarter

(Hollywood Reporter) A glitch in Nielsen Media Research equipment led to lower-than-normal ratings for USA Network for five days last week. ... This past week's "Raw" episode showed a dramatic drop from a 3.4 household rating to a 2.5 rating, according to Nielsen Media Research.

You know, I started down the path on this post of talking about Chris Benoit and the unreal PR moves that the WWE did in the wake of the event, and how I think we're six months away from implosion (defined as cancellation of some of their television properties).

But then it struck me -- the real reason why the WWE is struggling is overexposure, and not of its own product. More so, this -- all sports is the WWE now.

Don't believe me? Let's go to the videotape. Has the WWE:

1) Ever fashioned a "heel turn" that matches Mike Vick in effectiveness?

2) Had a more hissable villain on top of its rankings than Barry Bonds?

3) Seen its champions stripped of their belts in mid-reign in unbelievable scandal, like this year's Tour de France?

4) Created a more biased ref than the NBA's Tim Donaghy?

5) Had its commissioner look like more a bumbling idiot than Bud Selig in his herculean Bonds monitoring?

So it's no wonder Vince McMahon blew the Benoit killings. He's too busy running every other league to make sure his own is OK. I hope they're paying him royalties.

Not All History Is Happy

The body language tells you everything you really need to know about the man. Uncoiling, angry, barely leaving the batters box, a body language built of age and fatigue and arrogance and effort spent by the thimble. If the ball had stayed in, there was no chance of him getting a double out of it; it wasn't so deep that it was an absolute no doubt shot. Bob Gibson would have murdered him for it.

Barry Bonds hit his 755th home run tonight, having gotten the FTT Bump that he so clearly needed. (See last week's post telling the Celtics fans that they had no shot at Garnett for a similar boost.) It happened on a Saturday night, far from prime time on the East Coast, on a night that few people are watching television. ESPN put it on the 2. Idiot commissioner Bud Selig reacted like he had no idea what to do. It all felt small, more or less meaningless, and fitting.

Since Bonds has played nine straight games (a feat that is nearly as "herculean" as Bud Selig following him around for a week and a half), he won't deign to play tomorrow. This sad little circus will move north, where a host of anonymous Washington Nationals pitchers awaits their chance to be the answer to a trivia question... that won't be asked very often.

In the post-game press conference, the media got (Mostly) Good Barry, the one that seems fairly human. As it went on, he seemed to lose patience for the experience, and became terse with his answers, and his giant head seemed to pulse, with visible blood marks over both eyebrows, as it he was about to sprout horns -- which he later explained as "rashes on my head." He also claimed that he will be there for Alex Rodriguez. That'll be special.

Clay Hensley, the pitcher that gave it up... has a positive steroid test in his past. A brave journo asked Bonds for his reaction to that, which he ducked with an air of been there, done that. The next question, I'm sure by complete coincidence, showed his kids on the podium with him. (Ed Note: Hensley was sent to AAA on Sunday. Also fitting.)

Oh, and by the way -- for the second straight night, the Padres won in extra innings, long after Bonds was gone. The loss drops the Giants to 13 back in their division. No one will remember that, because sports is no longer about teams, it's about individuals. Deeply flawed individuals.

Top 10 Questions Barry Bonds Asks Small Children

Hat tip, MSNBC.com...

Someone asked Bonds if he would contact the fan who snags one of his next two home run balls.

"No," Bonds said. "I had a little kid come up to me and say he would give it back to me. I said, 'Are you stupid? You'd have more money than your parents.' "

10. Why are you hitting yourself?

9. Is your mommy and daddy also racist?

8. How much money do you have for my autograph?

7. Why do you think I'd want to talk to you?

6. Is your daddy rich and famous? Why not?

5. What are you going to fail to be when you grow up?

4. Did you know that only fraidy-cats and retards get really nervous?

3. Don't you know that you can get in big trouble for talking to me?

2. Do you still believe in Santa Claus, you little dumb ass?

1. Why are you crying? Don't you like meeting your hero?

Side note -- As a parent, I can appreciate that Barry feels compelled to ask small children if they are stupid, and to hide behind his own when he feels he's taking too much heat from the media.

It makes me feel good that, while I'm far from perfect in my own patience and decisions, and may not be able to give my kids all of the finer things in life... well, at least I'm not going to scar them nearly as bad as this Monumental Fucktard.

MLB Potpourri: I Still Hate Griff And Bonds

> Roger Clemens held the Twins to a double and a single in a 5-1 Yankee win, but what's telling here is *how* he did it -- just 4 strikeouts, with 100 pitches in 8 innings, retiring his last 15 faced.

It's Win #350 for the Rocket, and note also that the Yankees felt compelled to use Rivera in a non-save situation, rather than Flaming Proctor. (Of course, after watching the A's handle the Yankees on Saturday and Sunday, Mariano was well rested.)

Meanwhile, Alex Rodriguez left the game after a collision at first, from a sprained right hamstring. Even when the Yankees win this year, they lose. With the Red Sox beating the Rangers, the lead remains 10.5, and the wild card is 8.5.

For the Twins, they've scored just 1 run in their last 18 innings, having been shut out last night by Jeremy Bonderman and Doug Jones in Detroit. Justin Morneau just doesn't look right following his injury.

> The Cubs win again, jumping early and often on the Nats. The Brewers kept pace by pounding those always comical Pirates, but the terrific June continues for Chicago, bringing them above .500, and 6.5 games out of the division, 5 games out of the wild card.

It was the 7th win of the year for Ted Lilly, who, along with Jason Marquis, has managed to make the Cubs off-season drunken sailor spending spree not look quite so, well, drunken.

> The Indians continued to roll, with a 10-2 crushing of the Devil Rays. Fausto Carmona's 9th win came after his worst outing of the year, and keeps the Tribe 2 games up in the Central.

> The Mets became the latest team to go to Colorado and get their noses bloodied, the victims of an 6-2 beatdown. Tom Glavine didn't like the altitude in a 6-run third inning, and is now just 7-6 with a 4.39 ERA is his Death March Year to 300 Wins. Jason Hirsh shrugged off an 5+ ERA and 8 home runs in his last three starts to get the win, and also had 2 RBIs.

> My pick to win the AL Central... is now just a few games out of, gulp, last. The White Sox scored 6, but Bobby Jenks blew the save, and the Orioles took the win.

And in other news... I'm just about ready to begin projectile vomiting over the idea that we should all be putting our brains in a box and celebrating Griffey and Bonds in the All-Star Game.

I don't care that both are hitting again this year. I don't care that they're got monstrous home run numbers. I don't care that we're supposed to be telling our kids about them.

One is a regrettable human being, a terrible team mate, and a likely perjurer, independent of the obvious roid/HGH/blood of young boys cheating.

The other is a guy who threw a perfect career away to chase money, and got his karmic comeuppance with a string of injuries and a franchise that hasn't been relevant for the entire time he's been there.

We don't have to forget about all of that because they're having good years. In fact, it's kind of more important to remember now.

That doesn't make us cynical mean blogger people. That makes us people who decide the worth of athletes beyond last week's box scores. (Which is, of course, more than we can say for the World Wide Lemur.)

Bad Mechanics: MLB Round-Up

1) While having ESPN on the background, I caught an ad for a pitching mechanics tape from Tom House.

Here are some of the MLB pitchers who were cited in the ad: Nolan Ryan (OK, he pitched forever), Rob Nen (whoops, he flamed out early) and... Dave Dravecky (whose arm, some may remember, SNAPPED IN HALF ON HIS FINAL MLB PITCH, AND WAS LATER AMPUTATED).

OK, I get that Dravecky had cancer, and his mechanics were probably not at fault for his loss. Still, when I think Dave Dravecky, I don't think, "Gosh, wouldn't it be great to learn to pitch just like the guy whose arm snapped in the most horrifying moment in modern MLB history?"

All I'm saying -- Mr. House *might* want to update that list. Mark Prior, maybe. (Actually, he was mentioned as well. Maybe we should all just find another tape to teach the kids with.)

2) Jerry Narron, fired as manager of the Cincinnati Reds.

At 20 games below .500 despite a remarkable comeback year from Ken Griffey Jr., I suppose someone had to take the fall. But it's hard to imagine the manager making a heck of a lot of difference to a team with Kyle Lohse as the #2 starter. How this Reds team finished only 2 games below .500 last year is one of the minor miracles of our time.

3) Who got screwed out of the MLB All-Star Game?

For like most of the All-Star Game, I Could Not Care Less, and will mock those who do.

Here's a good rule of thumb to live your life by: if you won't care about something a week from now, that's a pretty good reason to not care about it right now. All-Star snubs work the same way. There's always a half-dozen picks that wind up getting fixed later, as players decide that being named to the All Star team is a lot more fun than actually going.

So, did Jimmy Rollins get hosed? Yes, of course. He also popped off earlier in the year when his team hasn't won in his professional career, and he's got no business hitting leadoff. So Jose Reyes is overrated, because he's a fantasy baseball beast and works in New York? Who the hell cares?

Honestly, we're talking about a game in which Gil Meche -- who will, in time, be the answer to many looks of stunned disbelief for his contract -- is an All-Star. (He's following in the hallowed footsteps of Royal All Star Mark Redman. Please, won't someone take away the one player per team rule?)

Barry Bonds was *VOTED* in by the fans in a popular vote. One can only assume they'd also vote in Paris Hilton, if only she was on the ballot.

You can be an MLB fan and not watch, or care -- especially as it seems many non-MLB fans were doing the voting. In fact, it's kind of encouraged.

4) Later today, Roger Clemens goes for his second win of the year in his 5th start. If he beats the Twins and Boof Bonser at the Stadium, that will get the cost per win this year down to a thoroughly manageable $11 million.

By the way, the Yanks are now 4 games under .500, 11 games out of the East, 9 games out of the wild card, and looking up at Toronto.

But remember, George Steinbrenner is a maniac who fires people without cause.

5) Milton Bradley, traded from the A's to the Padres, is... going to start his days in San Diego on the disabled list.

Somewhere, Chris "Slept on eye wrong; DL" Brown is nodding his head in respect. Milton, you're really proving all of the haters wrong...

I Got A Feeling About This Week's Picks

Cards over METS. Mike Maroth moves to AAA-NL and a Mets team that's feeling too happy after sweeping the A's. He's faced by Jorge Sosa, who is, at the end of the day, Jorge Sosa. I'm counting on the Mets not seeing Maroth before, and not liking it that much. Besides, the moneyline looks wacky to me, as it frequently does with NY teams. 3,000 to win 4,860.

Padres over GIANTS. Tim Linecum is not ready for the Show, and he's faced by the 5-1 stylings of Justin Germano. Make it 6-1. Giant Fan won't care if Bonds goes yard, of course. They deserve each other. 3,000 to win 3,150.

Royals over ANGELS. Have we lost our mind? Probably, but Slingblade Lackey missed his last turn with a boo-boo, and John Thomson hasn't been seen by anyone in a really long time. Probably for a good reason, too, but the moneyline is off the charts. 1,000 to win 2,610.

Tuesday

Two 1-run losses, and the Royals, of all teams, keeping me from getting buried. I'm down 4K and in second place. The contest needs new blood, folks..

A's over INDIANS. It's hard to bet a team that's lost four in a row, but Haren vs. Lee at this moneyline makes me pull the trigger. 3,000 to win 2,521.

Red Sox over MARINERS. Gabbard vs. King Felix, and I think the latter is headed for a rough night. He's handled the Sox earlier this year, but his ERA is up to 4 now, and Gabbard keeps his team in the game. 4,000 to win 5,000.

Wednesday

The week after winning is always brutal. Now 1-4, I'm going all in with the Padres over GIANTS. Greg Maddux faces Matt Cain, and here's why the road team will win: today is the day when the most over-40 starting pitchers will all start (7). Mad Dog's going to pee all over that whippersnapper Cain. 2,610 to win 2,662.

Update -- Got an early win and I'm going for more.

White Sox over D-RAYS -- Mark Buerhle on the road vs. somebody named Andy Sonnanstine, with a 6.58 ERA. I know the ChiSox don't hit, but come on. 2,500 to win 2,232.

Dodgers over DBACKS - Derek Lowe against Brandon Webb. Dodgers have been very good on the road. 2,500 to win 2,925.

Thursday

The DBack win prevents me from getting back in. Two more all-in bets today.

A's over INDIANS. Joe Blanton was fantastic in New York, while Paul Byrd is pretty damn hittable. After last night's explosion against Fausto Carmona, I'm hoping for another day of run support, 3,004 to win 2,974.

Jays over TWINS. AJ Burnett comes back from the DL strong against the randomness that is Carlos Silva. 3,000 to win 2,778.

...and I'm done. See you next Monday, folks...

Around the horn

> After getting swept in Colorado, the Yankees go back to 10.5 games behind the Red Sox. They are also 5.5 games out of the wild card, with four teams ahead of them.

We're about 10 games before the true mid-point of the season, which basically means this... their start has made June more like July, and July will be more like August.

Finally, there is this: if the White Sox and Royals continue to play .400 ball, it's going to be a lot easier for the Cleveland/Tigers loser to keep a good record. Right now, one of the best things that could happen for the Yankees is for Justin Morneau to come back and make the Twins right again, so the Central starts hurting each other.

> The best team in the AL in June is... those sneaky LAAngles. They are 20 games over .500 for the year, and 14 games over .500 in June, With a big lead over the A's and surprising Mariners, and a resurgent Chone Figgins making their offense right again, the best team you don't hear about now has the second-best record in baseball.

Things could get dicey for them soon, as Barty Colon is still not right and Slingblade Lackey is actually going to miss a turn, but with that offense and bullpen, it's hard to imagine them falling too far back.

> Sosa, Griffey, Thomas and Bonds are all chasing big career home run milestones.

Their teams are 17.5 games out, 13.5 games out, 11.5 games out and 11.5 games out of their divisions, respectively. Only the Jays are near .500. So... how much are these sideshows helping their teams?

> The A's cut Milton Bradley. It comes as no surprise that I'm a big Billy Beane fan, but this is one of those moments that make me happy to be an A's fan -- all around. They rolled the dice to get him. It didn't work out. They have a decent enough farm system to replace him cheaply with Travis Buck. And then they let him go, before it became too much of a distraction, with a relative lack of fuss.

> It's the last weekend for interleague play. What will be your biggest memory of it this year? Yeah, I don't have one either...

> Griffey goes to Seattle and gets applauded. Giambi goes to court and gets immunity. Tejada goes to the DL and gets abuse for trying to keep his streak alive. And the rest of the world wonder what might have been, if only they all decided to stay with their first clubs, where they were successful and comfortable and out of the media spotlight... and where their steroid supplies were discrete. Ah, Karma, you heartless bitch...

Five Utterly Random Points

1) Tiger loses the US Open -- and at least this time, it wasn't Jesus's fault.

Yes, it is unfair to frame it in this way, but that's just the way it is when you're that much better than everyone else. We can safely assume that Woods' just doesn't miss his dad that much anymore.

Big props, finally, to Angel Cabrera for making his first tournament win a major, while sitting on his ass in the clubhouse and over par. The American dream, but Argentinian.

2) Carlos Zambrano loses a no-hitter and game. Even sweeter, for the haters, then Schilling's lost no-hitter. You've got to love the Cubs' year... bad *and* entertaining. This would never have happened if Lou Pinella was alive.

3) After leading the NBX.com challenge all week, it all fell apart for me late, with the A's and Mets letting me down when I needed them most. As far as I'm concerned. Dave Stewart only has two balls.

We finished second in a bad week for the contest. By the way, if you want to pick games and get into the action on this, drop me a line.

4) Barry Bonds hits home run #748 in the final game of a Red Sox sweep. It was clutch, though -- it made an 8-3 game into an 8-4 game.

The loss drops the Giants to 10 games back in their division, 9 games out of the wild card, and only half a game out of second to last game in the entire National League. (Fun fact: last place is the Reds, as those resurgent Nats are now just 9 games under .500.)

I'm shocked to discover that a team that ties 20% of its salary into an ancient and divisive player who is playing just for the sake of setting a record doesn't have a good won-loss record. Shocked!

However, there was a nice moment for Barry to give props to Wakefield for not walking him. Like a knuckleballer has any idea whether he's walking a guy or not...

5) Prince Fielder hit an inside the park home run (it was a towering pop up that got lost in the roof at the Homerdome). Not to get all Jayson Stark on you, but we're pretty sure that's not happening again, ever.

Also, big props to Fielder the Younger for his impersonation of a runaway beer truck going around Turn 3. We haven't seen baserunning like this since John Kruk had both testes. (Rim-job shot...)

Barry Bonds Ruined Everything

Dear Five Tool Fool,

It has come to our attention that your organization has failed to create the required amount of copy on the subject of Barry Bonds.

Please rectify immediately, as per the terms of your contract with Gawker Media, ESPN, and our secret corporate overlords, Google.

Failure to do will result, of course, in a garnishment of your wages.

Sincerely,

Will Leith
Secretary General of the Glorious International Kollektiv of Sports Bloggers

P.S. Stop emailing me, or I will release the commenter monkeys.



Dear Will Et Al,

I’m so sorry. Really, I am. It’s just that I’m starting a new job, and you know how I’ve been having issues with the drywall, and shouldn’t last night’s hand job to LeBron count towards my required quota of Extremely Obvious Topics?

No. Crap. Um, OK, here goes...

There are, of course, dozens of hypocrisies in the case of Barry Bonds – and I’d argue that the hypocrisies are what define him now, more than the numbers, more than the means, more than the circus. But the biggest and most central hypocrisy is this…

Team achievements matter more than individual ones.

That is no longer true, if it ever really was. And that, more than anything, is what helps to explain the seismic differences between Bonds Haters, Bonds Neutralists, and Bonds Fans. (The latter probably only exist in San Francisco now, but when the media pounds a black guy long enough, he develops a fan base among minorities. Barry is as black as OJ. But that’s a whole ‘nother column...)

A story you used to hear a lot was how people would feel bad for the long-suffering – oh, how they suffered – superstar on a bad team. Your team would be pounding the stuffing out of, say, the Atlanta Braves. Dale Murphy would hit a home run to cut the lead to five. The color analyst would go on about how everyone feels bad that a quality guy like Murph is on a team like this, losing 100+ games a year, but trying so hard… and you know, he’d trade those MVP awards and all those home runs to just be on a winner, you just know he would.



Which was probably bullshit, in that Murph probably enjoyed being paid. Sure, the losing was a drag, but that’s why they call it work, right?

Now, has anyhow ever made the Feel Bad For This God Among Flawed Men speech about Bonds, outside of the Bay Area?

For the majority of the latter days of his career in Atlanta and Milwaukee, Hank Aaron’s teams were like the team of Murphy. And yet, because he had The Record, his place in baseball history, his legacy, was more than secure. No one would remember the months of playing out the string, alongside teammates and behind pitching staffs who no one remembers. Quick, name the NL West division champion in 1974, the year Aaron broke the record. (Answer: LA, who lost to Oakland in the World Series. But I had to look it up.)

Bonds will be like that. No one, outside of Giants fans, will remember that on The Day Barry Broke The Record, Matt Morris and Kevin Correia (I’m just throwing out names of mediocrities here – feel free to substitute with any SF pitcher) gave up three homers in a 7-4 loss. Or that the team that he set the record on won 78 games. Or that despite all of his big numbers, he had only one positive playoff year. (OK, maybe the haters will remember that last one, but they will talk more about how his head was the size of a watermelon.)

Baseball media don’t talk about the best players who haven’t won a World Series… because who wins the World Series doesn’t really matter that much, unless it is your team that did it. (You do, of course, hear this kind of thing in football all the time about quarterbacks, or in the NBA about big scorers.)

Little wonder, then, especially in an era where fantasy sports eliminates the idea of the star player putting up numbers in an attention-free vacuum, that we gravitate to the One over the Team.

Little wonder, then, that people who still care more about teams – or, for that matter, winners and losers – are paying little to no attention to the Bonds Chase. It’s not just that he’s on the West Coast, folks.

(Sure, some tune out on the moral objection of Bonds being remarkably unpleasant and a cheat. But it’s not like baseball hasn’t had a million of those over the years. Bonds is just more talented than most, and had access to better chemicals. Ty Cobb would have injected infant bone marrow into his eyeballs in the on-deck circle if he thought it would have helped. Pete Rose, too. Willie Mays played until he was a shell of his former self – you think he wouldn’t have cut a corner to be better at the end? Again, this is a different column.)

Whether or not the rise of individual over team is a good thing is up to the individual fans. The natural instinct is to point at this and say how it’s the clearest reason why the whole world is going to Hell In A Handbasket. If you’re not inclined to think that way about changes in the world, you shrug and go back to checking you fantasy league roster.

For myself, I am mostly ambivalent about Bonds and the rise of the Individual over the Team – which is part of why there hasn’t been much on FTT about him. The people that he infuriates most are sportswriters, who are paid to be infuriated, and as a group, about as pleasant to deal with as Barry himself.

His Giants teams are on a treadmill to nowhere, and yet he makes them watchable, even if it’s in a Tyson-esque way. If he were to suffer a career-ending injury tomorrow, their season would be about as entertaining as that of the Kansas City Royals. I was in the Bay Area during 2005, when Bonds wasn’t playing due to injury. The team and its fans were like smack junkies going cold turkey. Determining whether Pedro Feliz is ever going to turn the corner – not quite as interesting as whether or not the all-time record is going to be set. So long as you’re not getting a playoff race, why not live in the sideshow?

As for Hell in a Handbasket... I have never enjoyed watching sports more than now, despite the lack of a championship for any of my favorite teams. I can’t imagine going back to a time when the only things I cared about were the plights of my favorite teams.

The toothpaste is out of the tube. We’re all league-wide fans now, and we’re all witnesses to history.

For our team, and for every other.