The Blake Griffin Suicide Watch Begins Now

With the Clippers winning the lottery tonight, they get the first pick in this year's draft -- one hopes they do better with it than, say, Micahel Olowokandi -- and while I don't want to depress any of the fourteen remaining Clip Fans in the world, I'm not seeing how consensus number one pick Blake Griffin is going to fix this mess. Not unless he's able to make Baron Davis younger and/or healthy, give Zach Randolph a heart and brain transfusion, and arrange to have Mike Dunleavy killed and replaced by an actual coach.

Seriously, there is no reason -- none -- to be a Clip Fan. The owner is the worst in the Association, the talent and cap situation is utterly beyond repair, and no ping-pong ball bounce is going to change any of that. As an Association fan, I'm actually bummed that he's going to go to NBA Siberia; he might put up fantasy numbers, but he'll play no games of consequence, and being a Clipper means that his chance of catastrophic injury just went through the roof. But if he's got any kind of sense, he won't sign anything beyond the intro deal, and get the hell out of town as soon as he can.

But hey, Griff, it could've been worse. You could have been going to Sacramento!

Your Annual Women's Basketball Post

So, um, UConn won every game this year and it wasn't close. (Oh, and nice move to call them the Lady Huskies, rather than the Husky Bitches. That would just be wrong.)

Which leaves us, really, with just one question.

Can we have them play against the UNC men now, seeing how that game would be at least entertaining for a minute or two, unlike the championship games?

Congratu...... zzzzzz..........

Congratulations to North Carolina, who won their ninety-fifth national championship in mens basketball tonight, making the city of Detroit even sadder than usual. Which, considering the employment situation in this state, is really saying something. They were so hoping for a win tonight, so they could tip over some cars that would have to be replaced.

UNC had the most first half points (55) in finals history, and the game was so very exciting that fourteen people who didn't live in Carolina, Michigan, or have money on the game watched. Seven of them stayed awake until the end!

Oh, and just for my right-wing friends... Obama had the winner all along. Not the rest of the final four, but the winner.

Now, I have just one more thing to say to college hoop and all of the people that watch it: go away, and don't bother the rest of us for another 10.5 months. Especially when your tournament was about as exciting as watching paint dry. (I'm sure that our man in Chapel Hill, Dirty Davey, will have something to say about all of this, provided that, as a Carolina fan, he even notices when his team wins this thing.)

The True Champion... Revealed!

The NCAA claims that the basketball "champion" will be the winner of tomorrow night's match-up between Michigan State and North Carolina... but that seems to leave some folks out.

After all, the Terrapins of the University of Maryland are the only team to have played BOTH the Spartans and the Tar Heels this season... and the Terps WON BOTH GAMES.

Now--I'm not saying that Gary Williams has a claim on the title. Of course, that would be crazy. After all, Maryland lost a few games of its own... including to one team which played neither UNC nor Michigan State, but who would logically seem to deserve the crown more than Terps, Spartans, OR Tar Heels.

The TRUE college basketball champion of the year is none other than... the Morgan State Bears.

Hell Hath No Fury Like A College Basketball Coach Scorned

"Those kind of things, that's why Dean Smith told me at 67 he got out. It wasn't basketball. It was the other things. I love the kids, love the game. I don't plan to go anyplace. But I'm going to give a lot of reflection, maybe more reflection than normal, because of that." - UConn men's basketball coach Jim Calhoun

And just a reminder, this was Calhoun less than six weeks ago.



I don't claim to know squat about college hoop, but I do enjoy me some rich old self-righteous white man comeuppance, especially when it makes greater New England Fan all unhappy. Karma's a bitch, isn't it, Jimbo?

Something that needs to be said to UNC Fan

I'm a Syracuse graduate, so I have no love lost for Villanova, despite also having grown up in Philadelphia. So when I watched tonight's UNC-Villanova Final Four game, the only thing I was rooting for was a little drama, and learning whether or not Ty Lawson will be a good pro in the Association. (The answer to that is, well, no -- he's quick but not that quick.)

UNC was clearly the better team in a downright dull game -- seriously, it was obvious for just about every second of action in this one that 'Nova just couldn't compete -- and given that they beat Michigan State by what Spartan coach Tom Izzo referred to as 100 points in the halftime chat, it looks like they're going to win another championship next week.

But, um, there is one small point that UNC Fan needs to be told...

Um, that Tyler Hansbrough kid you've got? I've watched enough of Duke basketball to recognize the type, and he's a Dookie. I've never watched him play basketball before, and I found myself hoping he'd get his nose broken. Any team in the Association that takes him is going to find themselves on a lot of posters. Just saying.

(Oh, and kudos to CBS for recognizing that Horror in 2009 means dragging a woman off screen by her ankles, as they did in their promos for "Harper's Island." First director to do this with a man is going to be a freaking trend setter.)

One small question for college baskeetball

Just why again did you choose to put the Final Four in Detroit? Shouldn't this event be in, you know, a place that people might actually want to go to?

Blogrollins Is Making Sheep Do Things

Very cool, but where is the love for the dogs that made it happen? Or some talking pig?

You'll say Sham Ow! See what I did there, folks? That's comedy.

MLJ digs into the details of Dontrelle Willis going on the DL with anxiety. He's got too much mitoclorion in his blood, or his ERA. Let's just call this for what it is: he's not good enough to pitch in the major leagues. But if this gives them any kind of out medically, look for the Giants to do the same thing with Barry Zito...

Backing up what will be said in another post soon, but the Orioles' quitting ways extends to their radio coverage, too. Why, exactly, does this team have a single fan left?

In case you were thinking that Michigan State Fan didn't have the Internets. This one had the good manners to link to us recently, so here's some love.

The NCAAs Are Not Allowed To Be Boring

With all four number one seeds going on to the Sweet 16, and an almost unbearable amount of chalk being thrown around (seriously, you'd have gone 22-10 just picking the high seed in round 1, and 15-1 with the high seeds in round 2)...

Well, it must be a really fantastic tournament, right?

The NCAA tournament has reached the level of NFL season in terms of being in a more or less every season hype monster. If the low seeds are upset, it's crazy exciting, best weekend in sports, etc., etc.

If the picks stay chalk, well, wow, what matchups we've got in the final rounds.

Um, far be it for me to call bullsquat here, but from where I sit, so far this tournament looks like the Big East tournament, only with more ballast. Perhaps UNC and Duke will make it an ACC run again, or maybe Gonzaga will finally pay off all of those years of teasing...

But well, no one watches the first two rounds of the tournament hoping for nothing more amazing than a single double digit seed (Arizona, who hardly fits the profile of a From Nowhere team anyway).

So I'm asking, from the point of view of someone who watched little more than Flynn and Devendorf as they kept my Orangemen alive... have these first four days been dull?

And if not, what is?

Your Annual Women's Basketball Post

Ball State pulled off a big upset tonight, knocking off Pat Summit's fabled Vols.

I have nothing more to add to this, other than to note that Ball State's team is called the Cardinals, which is really just a marketing opportunity gone to waste. You couldn't call them anything more suggestive or risque than that? Give me the Lady Matadors, the Donkey Punchers, the Walnuts, the Danglers, the Rockers...

Come on, people. There's money to be made here!

Blogrolling Is Your #2 Choice In Modeling

Five Tool Tool is a #3 seed in the "Best Sports Blog Name" tournament over at Zoner Sports. I couldn't be more proud, really, and will continue to feel that way after we get taken down in a stunning upset, out overrated, pasty faces staring at the court in disbelief. We know the role.

I've been out of commission for the past 24+ hours, continuing to fight the good fight against a week-long illness. But on the other hand, I could have had Samuel L's day here in "Deep Blue Sea."



Now that Najeh Davenport's career is in the, um, dumper... it's time for him to try male modeling. No, I'm not kidding. And he has Some Experience!

Between the poker playing, the two daughters and the sports gambling, is there any wonder why I'm down with the Bracketer-in-Chief? Apologies for the fact that you've seen this on every other sports blog on the planet.

Destroy any Web site, including this one. Personally, I'm partial to the Led Zeppelin mode.

The Nietzsche Family Circus pairs a random Family Circus cartoon with a random quote from the philosopher.

Blogrolling Is J-Lo To You

Not since the start of the Kyle Lohse Era in Philadelphia have I been more entranced by a pitcher coming to a new team...

“Why did I sign with the Nationals? When you go to a club at 4 in the morning, and you’re just waiting, waiting, a 600-pounder looks like J-Lo. And to me this is Jennifer Lopez right here. It’s 4 in the morning. Too much to drink. So, Nationals: Jennifer Lopez to me.” - Julian Tavarez

It's March, folks, and we already have the Quote of the Year in MLB. Golf clap, Julian, golf clap.

Major League Jerk on why arm length matters for an offensive tackle, and how the NFL Combine is more than the Mike Mamula Memorial Mistake. Personally, I read this while thinking of the scene in "300" when Massively Roided King Leonidas tells Treacherous Malformed Dwarf Ephialtes how he can't use him in battle...

Moondog tries to fix the NCAAs, which are not in any way broken. As I commented over at his site, the NCAA basketball tournament isn't for determining the best team in college basketball; if you wanted to do that, you'd have a best of 3 series in the first round between the same two teams, leading to best of 5's for the survivors, and finally a best of seven for the championship. You know, like what the NBA does.

What the NCAA is for, and why it's the most popular basketball championship on pure viewership and gambling excitement, is wildly random events and excitement. That's why no one ever complains about a boring Finals, and how low seeds make it to the Sweet 16 and Final 4. Personally, I think the NCAA goes too far to the random, and that the NBA goes too far to the predictable crucible, but it's not like anyone is ever going to go to nothing but best of 3's for each playoff round, given that each has evolved to what it is for the money. Anyway, moving on.

“[Owens] thanks the Cowboys organization for releasing him and adding to his bank account.” -T.O.’s agent Drew Rosenhaus, as reported in the Dallas Morning News

And yes, that one goes to the remaining 12 Terrible Apologists on the planet, all of whom have him on their fantasy league team but not their real one. Just on the off chance that you were wondering what the man was really all about, or whether his fine sense of personal judgment was limited to just the occasional harmless mistake. Nothing but class.

SportsRubbish with the police blotter details on the latest NBA arrest..."Your policy may be I need an ID, but my policy is I get what I want when I want." - NJ Nets forward Sean Williams at an Apple store in Denver, CO, prior to an arrest

Repeat the quote above while speaking in the voice of Eric Cartman. You're welcome. And yes, one tends to think that the Sean Williams Era is about to have the curtain fall in the Izod Center. At least it's ending easier than the Jayson Williams Era.

And finally, please note that there is not one, but two Bastardo prospects right now; the Dodgers and Phillies are having a Bastardo-Off. Not since the days of Jung Bong have I awaited SportsCenter highlights with such anticipation...

Today's Top Tools: Challenger, Gray and Christmas

We're very excited to debut a new feature on the blog today, just in time for that hateful memo from your HR department in re the use of the Web. The Tool of the Day will be awarded to people in sports who earn our extra special attention... and who better to kick things off than the the latest annual bullsquat numbers from those killjoy numbnuts at Challenger, Gray and Christmas on how much March Madness is killing the American Overlord?

It will come as little surprise to you that C, G & C's real expertise comes in helping Overlords hand out pink slips with abandon, or that their numbers are filled with rich, savory horse flop. That won't stop the ever-lazy media from just regurgitating their annual greedhead press release, right?

So rather than be bitter about this, or wonder why C, G & C don't give equal time to the productivity menace that is Girl Scout Cookie Season, women daring to have their menstrual periods during working hours, or the work force dying at times that aren't convenient to management, let me just close with my own statistics for the media to pass along. I promise that they have the same intellectual rigor and devotion to an agenda-free service of the truth as the best that C, G & C have to offer.

> During the creation of this year's findings, C, G and C personally increased productivity in their own office by providing the top PR placement officer with his or her very own American house slave

> The 14 Americans who were specifically terminated for their productivity failures during the 2008 men's basketball tournament have all, miraculously, managed to find equally crappy jobs this year, and plan no change in behavior during this year's event

> Every single employee at C, G and C went to Duke

> Any actual drop in production will be more than offset by people staying at their desks later, cutting out discussion of other non-work related interests and activities, and generally being, you know, adults

> The amount that C, G and C raises their estimate every year is exactly proportional to the increase in spending among senior management for impotence cures

Madness Sadness

Just in case some of you are new to the blog and wondering what we're going to do for the NCAA Mens' Basketball Tournament, the answer is...

In all likelihood, not nearly enough to make you happy.

You see, my own personal interest in the tournament is entirely limited to how far my alma mater, the Orangemen of Syracuse University, go. And after their overtime-riffic weekend in New York City, my guess on that amount is Not Very Far At All.

I could, of course, write the same piece that you'll see in any number of other sites in the next few days -- the wacky name column, the will this be the year that a #1 seed finally loses a first round game piece, or the gripe work over how the play-in game is not, in fact, worth anyone's time or attention -- but, frankly, there's just not enough time in the day to be all things to all people, and there's just too much to know about college ball to try and pick it up on the fly.

Which isn't meant to denigrate the power of the tournament, which remains, at least at the start, probably the best four-day stretch in sports. You'd also think that, given the ridiculous popularity of this thing, that the NCAA would learn a lesson and institute a similar set-up for football. Imagine, if you would, the interest and betting involved in a 64-team, single elimination tournament where teams are playing every few days (and no, I don't much care that some players might get hurt from the rapid turnaround, or that they'd miss too much claswork, or any other excuse you want to trot out there).

Now, you might still get some Tooly goodness on the tournament from The Truth (a Kansas guy) and Dirty Davey (a UNC man). And if you want to have a pool that's still in play in the late showing, just put in three #1 seeds and be done with it; you'll be right a lot more than you are wrong. Or you could just go ask that clueless woman in the Accounting department, the one that always wins these things, who she likes this year. (And you people wonder why I don't watch this...)

Blogrolling: I Am Veto Vomiting. You killed my father. Prepare to die.

I am Veto Vomiting, and the Five Tool Ninja is Balls Horror. Who are you?

Back to back Blogrollings with Punch Out stories? You bet your body blow.

Some small, mean part of me is very, very happy to know that NASCAR Fan has to suffer with even more regrettable Fox animation than we do in the NFL. East Coast Bias with the story.



I'm just including this here to make Dirty Davey's head explode over how a Dookie will never, ever be called for traveling. On the plus side, Scheyer must be amazing on the dance floor with all of his teammates, and that's even before the poe dancer presses charges. (Oh, I'm so unfair to Dookies! Please, for the love of Coach K, throw me into the brier patch of links from Duke sites!)

Jim Bowden, the mostly incompetent GM of your Washington Nationals (well, they certainly aren't mine), decides to resign rather than be a distraction for an investigation of how he's been skimming money from the club on Dominican signings. What a selfless resignation! What a great guy! What an utter load of horse manure! Biz of Baseball has the sword fall, but, um, Jim? Innocent people don't quit over allegations.

Blogrolling: You Down With Oh, Pee, Pee... Pee

Can you really break your penis? is the actual title and sum and substance of this real, actual page from Scientific American. Kudos to them for the image selection of the year on this, and by all means, go get yourself informed. The penis you save may be your own!

Nick Underhill drinks the Royals Kool-Aid. I'm pretty sure that he does this every year. Just make Greinke start every game!

Republican Answer Man Bobby Jindal is an exorcising machine. The power of Jebus compels you!

The Marbury Era for the Celtics with startlingly awful loss to the Clippers, and then a DUI for reserve Gabe Pruitt. Starbury Fever, Celtics Fan -- Catch It!

Just in time for the NCAA tournament, here's the site -- FanWagon -- that's a great directory for true-blue fan Web blogs of major colleges. Especially valuable for trash talking the opposition with time efficiency!

And finally, Punch-Out! comes out for the Wii on May 18. I predict many controller related injuries, and at least five frothing media reports with "IS THE WII KILLING OUR CHILDREN???" style headlines...

Blogrolling: Losing My Titligion

The MoonDog sees the light of content sports blogging, rather than going for the easy poon traffic. I'd like to support him in such an endeavor, and it's nice that he's going back to the salt mines of content writing... but, um, friend? No one twisted your arm and made you chase the poon for all that time.

To be clear -- I don't much care if someone pays the rent with titty. It's not my choice, but I've worked for people who've gone that way, and my day job in advertising sometimes touches consumer categories that aren't any cleaner, as it were. We all have our own choices to make, and for the most part, it's just not worth getting all indignant about it.

But when you entitle your quasi-farewell "The Evolution Of..." um, well, ok, but you might want to (a) step outside into the cool air and let your head swell down a little, and (b) delete this thing in a few months, if the heat of lower site stats makes you reconsider your ways. But what the hell, you've gotten over a dozen sports blogs to link to this, so what the hell do I know...

Continuing in the Poon, Jason Giambi's post-baseball plans involve it. Just so long as he doesn't get in front of a camera.

You know the economy is going bad when someone dares to question the almighty power of a successful mens college basketball coach. Don't you people understand that Jim Calhoun is doing the Lord's work, and should never be questioned? PAY NO ATTENTION TO THE ECONOMY BEHIND THE CURTAIN!



And just to make the universe stop and point to two college basketball stories in the same calendar year, take a look at the work of one Craig Robinson, aka the First Brother In Law. That family is having a year, my friends.

Blogrolling: Do Not Be Like This

I rarely post video of the first Mrs. Shooter, but when she earns it, she earns it. (I also rarely make this cheap of a joke. OK, the latter is a lie.)



The MoonDog has redesigned his sports blog. Go and tell him how much you hate it, and want the old site back. People who do a huge amount of work on their site always appreciate it when you do that.

Grand National Championships with your college basketball bubble teams. I promise not to care about this unless my alma mater (Syracuse) goes on a big run, at which point I'll become all knowledgeable and stuff. (Go Flynn Go!)

Quick Hit with the top 13 scariest masks in sports. The top spot is an unquestioned winner, and kind of reprehensible.

I'm including this last one more for the technical freakiness of it all, but if you insist on seeing a sports parallel, it's easy: the protagonist is A-Roid, and the dude he meets is Bonds. Also, I am the Walrus.


Hemlock from Tyson Ibele on Vimeo.

The No Sports Conspiracy

Here's what counted as news in the Toy Department today.

> A slate of 3 NBA games, one of which ended before midnight in the East.

> 6 games involving teams in the NCAA college basketball top 20. (Notre Dame broke their seven game losing streak against 7th ranked Louisville. I hope you were sitting down for that.)

> 7 games in the NHL. You'll be shocked to learn that Detroit, who have been good since I actually followed and cared about hockey in the late '80s, are still good.

> The Washington Nationals signing the sabermetric wet dream of Adam Dunn, the Mariners getting close to signing the sad remnants of Ken Griffey, and some relentlessly tiresome A-Rod, Selig and Roger Clemens nonsense.

> Day One of the Brett Favre Comeback Watch.

In other words, Almost Nothing You Needed To Care About. This weekend will be even worse, since the NBA will have their All-Star Break.

And all of this nothing... on the day before Valentine's, which is also a Friday the 13th.

My fellow men, can it be any more clear?

Our wives, mistresses and girlfriends have cagily arranged for all of this to create maximum attention and purchases from us. (Hell, you want to lay this on the Obama Administration, I'll allow it. Women vote Democratic more than men, and it's clear that they'll do anything short of legalizing pot to jump-start this flat-lined economy right now. By the way, feel free to do that and use all of the tax revenue to pay for the entire stimulus bill, the financial bailout, and a hefty tax cut. You're welcome.)

I say that we don't stand for it. Personally, I'm going to spend Valentine's Day playing poker, after giving the Shooter Wife the traditional gift of the Jizzy Lizzy, seen above. That's two kinds of chocolate and one kind of taste. What woman could ask for more?

Stay strong, my fellow Tools. And be careful out there. It's a dangerous time for all of us.

Euro Menace Update

Remember Brandon Jennings? Probably not, in that this blog's readership isn't much for the NBA Draft, but Jennings is the kid who raised middle fingers to David Stern's one year on the plantation requirement for high school ballers to spend time in college. Jennings took the money and ran to Lottomatica Virtus Roma, a top Italian professional team, for $1.2 million. It turns out that, according to the Gray Lady, he's not happy.

Jennings was supposed to be a high-scoring point guard, but in the Euro game, he's been little more than a defensive stopper who only takes open shots. This has led some observers to note that since many of the top players in this year's class have said they aren't going to Europe, that this means the Jennings Threat is over. You see, players want to be famous in the NBA, more than getting paid.

Um... I realize that people *want* college basketball to succeed. March Madness is good times, after all. But I'm just not seeing it, for the following reasons.

1) Jennings is still likely to be a high draft pick this year. And if his draft position has been hurt by his Italian sojourn, it's probably still not enough to make up for the guaranteed $1.2 million.

2) Having one underaged guy come over doesn't necessarily mean that you are going to have a flood next year. What would, of course, cause that is a handful of catastrophic injuries to some highly regarded freshmen.

3) If this country continues having economic distress -- and, well, it's hard to see how that changes at least in the next 6 to 12 months -- the currency edge of getting Euros might continue to grow.

So, yes... it's a man's league over there, and there's no doubt that being the big man on campus has got to be more fun. But declaring the exodus over just because the first guy over is having no fun seems, well, silly. Money talks.