The Blake Griffin Suicide Watch Begins Now

With the Clippers winning the lottery tonight, they get the first pick in this year's draft -- one hopes they do better with it than, say, Micahel Olowokandi -- and while I don't want to depress any of the fourteen remaining Clip Fans in the world, I'm not seeing how consensus number one pick Blake Griffin is going to fix this mess. Not unless he's able to make Baron Davis younger and/or healthy, give Zach Randolph a heart and brain transfusion, and arrange to have Mike Dunleavy killed and replaced by an actual coach.

Seriously, there is no reason -- none -- to be a Clip Fan. The owner is the worst in the Association, the talent and cap situation is utterly beyond repair, and no ping-pong ball bounce is going to change any of that. As an Association fan, I'm actually bummed that he's going to go to NBA Siberia; he might put up fantasy numbers, but he'll play no games of consequence, and being a Clipper means that his chance of catastrophic injury just went through the roof. But if he's got any kind of sense, he won't sign anything beyond the intro deal, and get the hell out of town as soon as he can.

But hey, Griff, it could've been worse. You could have been going to Sacramento!

Sideshow Robin and the Jersey Tank Job

I was going to take a full miss on the NBA Draft this year, but then the sports blogosphere alerts came and made this image available, and who am I to turn a gift Sideshow in the mouth?

This is Robin Lopez, who has definite Juwanna Mann potential, and as that's my third WNBA reference in the past five days, I will now check to see if my nuts are still on my body.

Yup.

But only just.

For anyone who doubts the power of the Association as a top 3 league, I give you this fact... between Anderson Varaejo, Yannick Noah and Lopez, you have over a 10% chance in any NBA game of seeing a live-action Simpsons villain getting rotation minutes. What more could you want, really?

(Why a miss on the Draft? Because it honestly seemed like there's not much here this time. Color me unimpressed when the world thinks that several of the players in the lottery will be career back-ups. Even the top 2 picks of Rose and Beasley have obvious and startling holes. Rose can't shoot threes or free throws, which makes him Rajon Rondo, who was drafted in the 20s a few years ago. Beasley has the ever popular character issues, was listed three inches taller than reality, and will be a defensive sieve. Yum! I should have definitely written another 1500 words on this to make the site's long-suffering non-Association fans scroll furiously. Or, well, not.)

There is also this... I hate, hate, hate it when a team announces to its fans that it is tanking the year before the year even begins. And that is the only way that you can spin New Jersey trading a genuinely good player (Richard Jefferson, who admittedly will never put up his Playing With Jason Kidd numbers again) for two guys (Yi Jianlin and Bobby Simmons) who can't play, won't stay healthy, and will both be out of the Association in 3 years or less.

It's clear that the Nets are just clearing cap space to go after LeBron James, not that this ever works -- seriously, Nets fans, you do know that you're just getting suckered into a multiple year wait for a free agent signing that isn't going to happen. When a fan base is told, before the year even starts, that there is no hope for the year, and that assets are being sold off just to have cap space, that's reprehensible. It's fraud to charge full price for the tickets. As a Sixers fan, I feel very strongly about this: every fan base deserves to have the potential for hope before a season begins. What is your hope if you are a Nets fan -- that Devin Harris is somehow going to become Chris Paul? That Jianlin will somehow not be horrible? That Nenad Krstic will come again to exact Gandhi II-like justice?

Maybe I'm overstating the case here, and that Marcus and Sean Williams will emerge to give the team an exciting young nucleus, or that Vince Carter will decide to care and be the elder leader of the team. (Chance of this happening: Zero.) But in the meantime, the Nets should cut ticket prices. (Chance of this happening: Zero.)

How to Close

Today in Orlando, Detroit took the 3-1 series lead under the cagey fourth quarter heroics of Rip Hamilton, who wore Kenyon Dooling out like a cheap suit in the clutch. Rip had 32, 6 and 3 to disappoint the raucous home crowd in a back and forth game that went down to the final possession.

The Pistons won the game at the line (they were 14 of 15, compared to the Magic's 11 of 17), off the offensive boards (12 to 10, but with a big edge late), and with a killer running hook from Tayshaun Prince, who had been wearing goat horns earlier in the quarter from Hedo Turkoglu's 13 fourth quarter points (he had 20, but missed the Magic's last shot). Dwight Howard's 3 for 12 for 8 points was the real problem for the home team, but no one outside of Turkoglu looked good when it mattered.

A brief word on Hamilton here... he's really one of the reasons why I love the Association. Hamilton's game isn't sexy -- it's mid-range jumpers, effective low post scoring for his size, and good percentages everywhere. But he's got just enough oddness about his game -- that odd little side dribble free throw thing he does, the ever-present face mask, the constant effort and smart feel to his play -- that you can easily visualize him. He's never been the kind of guy that you think of as a top 5 in his position and role player, and yet he's always one of the best Pistons on the floor, and his team almost always has an advantage at shooting guard.

It was the first road win of the second round in the entire Association, and more or less locked the second round into Boston-Detroit -- probably the most easily predicted conference finals in Association history. (And if you think this is an open plea for the Cavs to get off the deck and make a series out of their ugfest with the Celts, you know me too well.)

The Face of the Bulls Future

Great – just who I want to see in the paper on a daily basis for the next 3 years or more. As a Bulls fan my initial reaction to the Bulls selection of Joakim Noah was “Are you f’ing kidding me Paxson?” Now that I’ve had almost 24 hours to digest this pick my reaction is "Are you f’ing kidding me Paxson?"

Doesn’t the photo above just sum up this pick? A total joke at 9. Will get to those reasons in a moment, but I’ve got to spend some time on where this outfit came from.

1) Secret desire to be Lloyd from Dumb and Dumber.

2) Publicly auditioning for Sideshow Mel for the new Simpsons movie.

3) Mugged Captain Kangaroo of his formal wear.

4) He’s really Carrot Top’s half brother.

5) Lost a bet to his college buddies Bake and Otter after smoking a few bowls with them.

Quote from Joakim on the outfit:

“I think it’s funky. There are always going to be haters. But I have a lot more love than hate. I feel it was a good look. I’m very happy with it, and I feel it was a success. Somebody said I looked like Bozo the Clown. I didn’t like that.”

Somebody was dead on Bozo.

The Bulls have been saying they need an inside force that can score. Noah does neither. He’s 7 feet and 230 pounds. Sounds like a dominating presence to me. Combine that with the elementary school kid set shot he shoots and he is going to be dominated in the NBA. The dude is soft. Those who saw him workout for the Bulls stated that he didn’t shoot the ball well. But the Bulls fell in love with his energy and intelligence. I’m assuming that same intelligence doesn’t apply with how to dress up in big boy clothes.

My biggest question is where/when do the Bulls play Noah? You can’t have him on the court the same time as Big Ben – then you have two big men who can’t score. Put him on the floor with Ty Thomas and you have two guys who will be flying all over the place with no idea what they’re going to do with the ball.

I don’t have the answer for what the correct pick was for the Bulls. But I do know what the incorrect pick was and the Bulls nailed it. To be honest, I haven't been this disappointed in a pick since DMtShooter gave an invite to the Five Tool Ninja to join Five Tool Tool as a contributor. That guy shows up less than A.C. Green at the Bunny Ranch.

Update (6/30/07):
Bulls push Noah's press conference back from Friday to Monday as he failed to leave New York on Friday. Great start Noah. Great start.

Live Blogging The NBA Draft from my Man Space

And we're back from the FTT Man Space. Obey my Man Space!

8:30 -- Sacramento, still giggling with relief about Noah not being there for them to play opposite Ron Artest just for pure comedy value, picks Spencer Hawes, the center from Washington. Will anyone be able to tell him apart from Brad Miller? All these white people look alike to me.

8:35 -- The Hawks take a point guard! Good thing I was home for that, because I'm pretty sure I'd have wrapped the minivan around a pole. Acie Law from Texas A&M goes south. How will he manage to take time away from immortals like Claxton and Lue?

8:45: Thaddeus Young goes to the Sixers. ESPN says he needs to tighten up his ball skills. That and $20 will get you something on South Street. It's also not a good sign that he fails under the Mom Test (see below).

8:50 -- NOLa takes Julian Wright from Kansas. Wright gets to avoid the big Green Room wait and, as a bonus, takes passes from Chris Paul. Too bad he's in the West, where no one will even hear from him. Meanwhile, the Hornets get to recover from the tragic contract of Peja Stojakovic...

9:00 -- The Clips go for Al Thornton, my dark horse pick for all-rookie team, just because he's got absolutely no learning curve. He should also get playing time and shots, given that this team just played raw energy guys at 3 last year. Watch him. (Or not, since he's with the Clips.)

But everyone on Jay Bilas's list has bad ball skills. Just once, you'd like to hear that guy really knows how to take care of his ball.

9:05 -- Al Thornton's mom is named Philomenia. For once, the mom has got the worse name than the kid...

9:09 -- Rodney Stuckey, my mom's hope for the Sixers at 12, goes to Detroit at 15. Beware the SG from a small school. Sometimes, they turn into Joe Dumars. (If he turns out great, give it up to my mom. It won't be the first time she's smarter at sports than me.)

9:12 - The Wiz, who have the worst big men in a conference filled with astoundingly bad big men... take a guard, Nick Young, from USC. Let the Gilbert Arenas Is Leaving Rumors Begin!

9:14 -- The Knicks are getting Zach Randolph for Steve Francis and Channing Frye. Other than Zach being batshit crazy and going to the worst town in the league for a batshit crazy man, this is a great deal for the Knicks. Play him next to Curry, and you have actual young low-post talent.

Next to David Lee, they have the best young front court in the East -- but only on paper, because Curry and Randolph have no heart and play no defense, and the alpha dog on the team is still Stephon Marbury. Emphasis on dog. Good thing Isiah Thomas has a really good coach in... Isiah Thomas. Whoops.

9:15 -- Stephen A. Smith just jizzed all over Zach Randolph. Too bad he doesn't, you know, play defense. And he's batshit insane. And he couldn't handle the nightlife in, gulp, OREGON.

9:16 - The Nets take Sean Williams, a pot-smoking shot-blocking center from BC. No one cares. We're all still all over Zach Randolph.

Isn't that always the way with the Nets? We're talking about a team that had a thermonuclear divorce with Jason Kidd, made the second round of the playoffs, played the hokey pokey with Vinsanity... and still, all anyone wants to talk about is the five-star tire fire in midtown. If you're not in the boroughs, you ain't shit.

9:23 - The Warriors take a guard from Italy. Marco Belinelli, who looks like Manu Ginobili's sleazier cousin. Like all Euro guards, he's the Jordan of some other country, and the footage shows 3's and dunks. At 6'5", he will have no chance to handle the point in the league, which means he's a 3-ball specialist. Hope he can wave a towel real good.

9:27 - The Lakers are on the clock! Jerry Buss has no comment on whether he's going to deal Kobe. In other news, Kobe is shopping for a white Bronco, and Coach Philip just turned 75.

9:28 - Stephen A. says it will take the Lakers decades to recover from a Kobe trade. I think it will take decades to recover from Stephen A.

9:29 - The team says they don't want Jermaine O'Neal for Lamar Odom and Andrew Bynum. Can't say I blame them -- Jermaine is astoundingly overrated, brittle, and not a very good guy -- but they're going to have to, you know, do something.

Because Kobe's in the bushes with piano wire.

And he's not wearing any clothes.

9:30 - Lakers take Javaris Crittenton, a freshman PG from Georgia Tech. Rather than give the audience any idea about what Crittenton brings to the table, ESPN throws it to Dick Vitale, who decides to take his time to invite Stephen A. out to dinner. Get a room, you crazy kids!

9:35 - Miami, with the 20th pick in 120 minutes, takes Jason Smith, a breathtakingly white forward from Colorado State. Since he's not quite 7 feet, maybe he's not a stiff. Er, no. Then again, Shaq somehow made Mark Madsen stay in the league, so there's hope beyond the three-year rookie contract...

9:38 - Mitch Kupchak says no one on his team is untouchable. Including, one must think, Mitch Kupchak...

9:42 - Philly takes Daequan Cook, a frosh guard from The Ohio State U. ESPN says he's going to Miami for Jason Smith, which makes sense -- the Sixers need a spare Shavlik Randolph in case something bad happens to their first one. The eight Sixers fans left in existence just reached for the ether. So much for Smith's chance at Madsen Money...

Cook turns out to be a big sixth man type who is a workout warrior and defensive player. If it's my team, he plays 3 and Antoine Walker is wedged into a Barcalounger, then secured with duct tape. He'll gnaw his way out eventually.

9:48 - Bobcats take Jared Dudley, a senior forward from BC. He's played the 7th most minutes in NCAA history. So MJ just took a guy in the draft with a lot of miles on him. That's special.

9:50 - Spike Lee defends Isiah's drafting record; he does have a point. Isiah's drafts are tolerable. It's the rest of his, well, entire life that is so deficient.

9:51 - As time goes by, Spike resembles Bill Cosby more and more. This is not a healthy development for Spike.

9:53 - Isiah drafts fast, and takes Wilson Chandler, the DePaul soph forward that Spike Lee predicted, and the guy they've supposedly wanted for a month. Is Isiah now one of the smarter GMs in the league? I think my head just exploded.

9:56 - Portland just plain buys the pick from the Suns. If you're a Suns fan, this can't be an encouraging sign. If you don't get KG there, it's looking very weak there all of a sudden... they wind up taking Rudy Fernandez from Spain, one of those Euros that will probably wait a year to deal with a contract buyout. Nothing quite spices up a draft like procedural moves!

10:04 - Utah is on the clock, and Stephen A. is on Mehmet Okur's ass. I think he pays rent there. It's like no big man has ever come up small against Duncan before...

10:05 - The Jazz take Morris Almond, a senior guard from Rice who might give the Jazz a chance at getting some scoring at the 2. They haven't had that since... gulp... Jeff Hornacek. Seriously.

5 picks left to go... which, at five minutes per pick, means we should be done by 11. The NBA is trying, very hard, to make sure that people don't find this to be more interesting than the Finals. I'm staying in just to see if the Sixers get Duke Puke McReynolds with the last pick in the first, so he can be the new Cherokee Parks.

10:11 - The Rockets take Aaron Brooks, a small guard from Oregon who has a lot of free time now that the Raiders drafted a QB in the first round. Brooks has always managed to be great for his fantasy teams, but not in reality. But I don't know if he's going to have enough of an offensive line to deliver big numbers here.

10:18: - Thanks to my commute, I've only had to endure 90 minutes of Stephen A. Smith tonight. Which is good, because it means that I won't have to Benoit my wife and kids. (What, too soon?)

10:19 - Pistons take Arron Afflalo, a 6'5" junior guard from UCLA. With Stuckey, the Pistons have better ideas than Lindsay Hunter now, though I still think they gave up too soon on Carlos Delfino.

10:24 - The Spurs make the most boring pick of the whole draft. I hate the Spurs so, so much. (There, that should get the Texas readers happy.)

Seriously, they take Tiago Splitter, a 7-footer from Brazil, who, like all foreign players, would have been in the lottery, according to Jay Bilas. Once again, another buyout moment, and I'd make fun of the pick, but it's obvious that they know what they are doing...

10:27 - Phoenix is on the clock, assuming that they don't just sell the pick to another team that isn't too depressed to draft. They wind up with Alando Tucker, the senior from Wisconsin who looks like a glue tweener.

10:31 -- With the final pick in the first, the Sixers continue their march to obscurity... and the Heat / Sixers trade gets announced. Whoop de damn do. The Sixers then end the round with Petteri Koponen, a 6'-4" 19-year-old point guard from Finland, who becomes the second Finn in NBA history. He looks like Kyle Korver is going to kick his ass, and that no one will hear from him for many years.

And that, my children, is a wrap. I hope we have put to rest the idea that drafts are more exciting than, you know, actual sports.

My big winners for the night... Atlanta actually got pieces that made sense for once. Portland got a ton of cap space for Randolph, freeing up playing time for Aldridge. Seattle did a similar move with Lewis. Both of those franchises are poised to be big players in a few years.

Losers? Knicks and Celtics both chased fool's gold for immediate gains, and let defense be damned. Milwaukee may be in for a world of hurt from Yi Jianlian. Phoenix, Dallas and the Lakers need to make moves and haven't.

Thank you, and good night now!

Live Blogging the NBA Draft from a Minivan

That's right, we're continuing the soul crushing tedium that is my daily commute with the aid of wireless techonology and unrepentant dorkdom. Some fine day, we'll look back on this gimmick the way kids now look back on vinyl records. PUNKS! GET OFF MY LAWN! And back to the picks!

8:13 -- The T-Wolves take Corey Brewer, the SG defensive stopper from Florida. He'll totally make Ricky Davis care, Kevin Garnett not kill himself, and Kevin McHale stop eating paste. Can someone annex Garnett out of this terrible franchise, please?

8:15 -- The Bobcats are on the clock. If Michael Jordan is involved with this pick, he's going to take a raw big with no offensive game. In other news, ex-players should not be allowed anywhere near a GM office.

8:18 -- I really appreciate every team taking the full five minutes for every pick. It's like they now that my wireless connection can lag, and they're compensating for it. I'm truly touched.

8:20 -- MJ comes through big time with Brendan Wright, who gets to show the NBA that despite being a desire-challenged PF at the college level, he'll dominate in the pros. Um, whoops... Even our UNC commentator, Dirty Davey, thinks he's light in the loafers, though not enough to go Duke on us.

On the plus side, they don't have to pay him much in moving expenses. That's important.

8:24 - Chicago's on the clock. We've made Princeton Junction. Any more details about my location, and the FTT stalkers will be all over my house this weekend. (Though I suspect the Bee does not do Jersey.)

8:25 - The Bulls get Noah! A hard rain is falling in Jersey. That'll fix their scoring problems in a heartbeat. At least now, they'll have someone to replace Wallace in... a year. Gulp.

Back later...

Live Blogging The NBA Draft On NJ Transit

Tonight, we bring you live draft coverage that no other site can touch... because it's being done on a train. It's crowded, filled with smelly people, and soul deadening -- in other words, just like the ESPN studios when STEPHEN A. is not talking. Let's get right to it!

7:39 -- Wow! Portland took Oden. What a shock!

7:40 -- I'm pretty sure Matt Millen is going to take a wideout here.

7:41 -- Buffering... buffering...

7:42 -- The Sonics are waiting until the last second to draft Durant. Why? Are they too busy packing up the trucks for Vegas?

7:43 -- DURANT! Wow! What were the odds? I can really see why everyone goes apeshit with anticipation of this event. WHAT DRAMA!

7:44 -- Hawks on the clock. Horford or Conley? Either might work out, so I'm counting on them doing something else. We all know they're allergic to point guards.

7:45 -- Conductor asks me for my ticket. I show him the blog instead. He gives *me* money instead. FTT RULES!

7:46 -- Two minutes on the clock. Somehow, I was hoping that teams would be more ready to move when the obvious picks happen. Then again, this is the Hawks -- they're probably still eating paste at this moment.

7:47 -- Hawks will take all of the time and get... and the app stalls, or the Hawks crapped themselves. If this was my fantasy league, we'd be pelting them all with food around now.

7:48 -- Al Horford! The consensus #3. Plus, he doesn't play point. Now, it's the T-Wolves, who last had a #1 in 1988, before the franchise existed, due to the Joe Smith debacle. In other news, we've just made Rahway, and the woman next to me is deep into the Soduku and Diet Coke. I feel like you need to know these things.

7:50 -- ESPN rumor is that the Celts are getting Ray Allen for the 5th pick and a smorgasborg of garbage. He Got Game! And lots of miles on his legs. On the other hand, Allen is the first NBA quasi-superstar who hasn't decided that Boston is Siberia West. The Sonics also get Delonte West, Wally Sczerbiak, and 20 moving boxes. Southward Ho!

7:53 -- The Grizz takes Mike Conley, giving them their first decent PG since Mike Bibby. He'll combine with Pau Gasol to give that team the dynamic inside-out game they had with Bibs and Shareef Abdur-Rahim. In other words, Memphis is screwed.

7:57 -- We make Metropark. The Celtics make their own sauce when you add water. Neither is a good development.

7:58 -- My instant analysis of the Allen trade -- he's actually really good. In the East, he matters. He'll make Pierce care. But he can't overcome Doc Rivers, the unbearable lightness of Kendrick Perkins, and the fact that no one, with the possible exception of Rajon Rondo, can play defense. The Celts win 40, get a low seed, get rolled. That's the high side of things. In other words, they're Knicks North!

7:58 -- Jeff Green, the SF from Georgetown, goes in the promised deal to Seattle. At least the Celts got to avoid Yi here, which in Mandarin is pronounced Skittish-Villi, if you get my meaning...

8:03 -- The Bucks take forever to pick... sorry, nodded off there. Edison looks a lot like Rahway, really.

8:04 -- Yi! Yi! Yi! He's the new Jack Sikma. He's the new Paul Mokeski. He's on the phone, telling the Chinese government to annex Canada. He's going to change your world and rock your emotions and make Andrew Bogut look hip. What a pick! Ruben Patterson just beat his nanny.

8:05 -- When you pick Yi Jianlian, do you realize you've boned it right away, or do you realize this after an hour? (Wait, don't go. I've got lots of Yellow Peril material to get through here...)

(More later -- the bathroom's opened up on the train. Wish me luck!)

Be Afraid Celtics Fans

It's draft day and Danny Ainge is in charge. The guy in the middle of the photo above is the brains of this operation.

Latest rumor has the Sonics offering Ray Allen to the Celtics for Theo Ratliff and the #5 pick. Even Ainge is smart enough to make that deal if it is indeed legit.

The 76ers Are Comedy Gold

Actual email header title from the team:

Where Will You Watch The Sixers Draft Their Future? Draft Day Party 2007

You know what that means, my children. List Time!

1. Under a bridge with Mike Gminski

2. Hanging out with Mr. Katz at the Methadone Clinic

3. In a one-star motel, while doing something that reminds us of the Iverson trade

4. At a Chuck E. Cheese with 5-year-olds, who are the only people we can find who are enthused about the team right now. Or maybe that's cake.

5. Who are the Sixers again?

Take A Dive. You Get Five.

And that’s how it ended up for the Boston Flopping Celtics. As I wrote yesterday, they tanked their way to the second worst record in the NBA in hopes of securing the first or second pick in the draft. The worst pick they could end up with was the 5th pick. And that is exactly what they got.

Bill Simmons blogged today about his definition of karma, the Celtics “bad luck” and why they were due. How does a team who purposely tries to lose games have this sense of entitlement of deserving the top pick? And I’ll save you some time reading his next blog about how unbearable it is, how even his buddy Hench couldn’t cheer him up and why the number 5 pick isn’t that bad. (You can look forward to 6 weeks of why Yi Jianlian is more polished than Greg Oden or how Mike Conley is the best PG coming out of the draft since AI)

Reading the Celtics message boards, their fans share this same sentiment. A lot of “It’s not fair, we had the second worst record. We deserve at least the second pick.” I think the Celtics got exactly what they deserved – you don’t play hard and try to win, get in the back of the line.

The next shoe to drop is the inevitable “Stern rigged this lottery to punish the Celtics.” I’m actually going to encourage the spreading of this conspiracy theory. I like the idea of Stern dropping the hammer on a team that doesn’t have the moral integrity to play hard. Why should an organization that has made terrible moves be rewarded for trying to take the easy way out to rebuild?

Danny Ainge is currently on step 1 of the 5 steps of grieving – DENIAL. "We've been saying all along that we think this is a good draft, and it's more than a two-player draft," Ainge said just moments after the results were revealed on ESPN. "I still believe that we're going to get a player who has a chance to be an All-Star caliber player." Step 2 is anger. I’m sure that came as soon as the reporters had left the room.

This is an organization in disarray. From the GM to the coach to even the marketing department. Need proof? Check out the photo at the top of this post. This came directly from the homepage of the Boston Celtics. It shows the worst possible outcome of tonight’s draft for them – the 5th pick. And right below the picture of the number 5 ball is a button to get season tickets. Now you tell me the Celtics didn’t get exactly what they deserved.

Thank you NBA for an outstanding evening.