Epic Drop: Top 10 Consolations for Trail Blazer Fan

The list is here, and here's the extra super-exclusive backstage thought process / angry ranting for FTT Nation...

Maybe I'm just a bitter ex-employee of Blazers owner / Seahawks owner / Hendrix Fondler / Microsoft Hanger-On / True Idiot With Money Paul Allen, but I'm not feeling *too* sorry for the fans in Portland today. (How bitter? Quite bitter. Let's just say that Paul's need to suck the dead dong of Jimi (with the Hendrix Experience Museum -- is that still around, or has someone turned it into a Planet Hollywood yet?) made me suddenly job and income-less at a time when The Shooter Wife and I had a six-month old baby and one source of income. But I digress.) Here's why.

1) Their team, in the very recent past, has employed some of the very worst human beings ever to play in the NBA. And that's saying something. They still filled the building. Morality only came into play when the team started to suck.

2) They ran off Maurice Cheeks, which allowed the Sixers to hire him, therefore comprising my past wonderful memories of Mo as the best point guard in team history with the current, mostly clueless, coach.

3) Bill Walton. I'm sorry, but everyone connected with this man being on my television set needs to suffer. As we all have.

4) Paul Allen. OK, let's get this straight. You've got more money than thousands of people could figure out how to spend. You're going to keep making money, assuming Microsoft doesn't go the way of Commodore, for the rest of your life. Everyone you've ever loved or been related to is taken care of. And you hold up the city for stadium ransom and corporate welfare?

Say what you want about the Borg-like nature of Bill Gates, but at least he's doing something with part of his money to make the world a little less crappy. Allen wants to steal from taxpayers rather than compromise any part of his vision of a world where he's got the most toys. Douche. Bag.

5) Residual bitterness over 1977. Dammit, they owe me one!

I Dub Thee, Greg Oden

This was sent my way by the very good MacG. Combined with some mid-afternoon rap from Pandora, it has given me the definitive nickname for the #1 pick in the NBA Draft. (For the record, Oden says this picture was from back in high school, at a party. If so, high school has changed since I was young. A lot.)

Greg Oden, you are now and forever more known as ODB, the Ol' Dirty Bastard.

Now, will you all please join me...

ODB Ain't Nuttin' Ta Fuck Wit! ODB Ain't Nuttin' Ta Fuck Wit!

Take A Dive. You Get Five.

And that’s how it ended up for the Boston Flopping Celtics. As I wrote yesterday, they tanked their way to the second worst record in the NBA in hopes of securing the first or second pick in the draft. The worst pick they could end up with was the 5th pick. And that is exactly what they got.

Bill Simmons blogged today about his definition of karma, the Celtics “bad luck” and why they were due. How does a team who purposely tries to lose games have this sense of entitlement of deserving the top pick? And I’ll save you some time reading his next blog about how unbearable it is, how even his buddy Hench couldn’t cheer him up and why the number 5 pick isn’t that bad. (You can look forward to 6 weeks of why Yi Jianlian is more polished than Greg Oden or how Mike Conley is the best PG coming out of the draft since AI)

Reading the Celtics message boards, their fans share this same sentiment. A lot of “It’s not fair, we had the second worst record. We deserve at least the second pick.” I think the Celtics got exactly what they deserved – you don’t play hard and try to win, get in the back of the line.

The next shoe to drop is the inevitable “Stern rigged this lottery to punish the Celtics.” I’m actually going to encourage the spreading of this conspiracy theory. I like the idea of Stern dropping the hammer on a team that doesn’t have the moral integrity to play hard. Why should an organization that has made terrible moves be rewarded for trying to take the easy way out to rebuild?

Danny Ainge is currently on step 1 of the 5 steps of grieving – DENIAL. "We've been saying all along that we think this is a good draft, and it's more than a two-player draft," Ainge said just moments after the results were revealed on ESPN. "I still believe that we're going to get a player who has a chance to be an All-Star caliber player." Step 2 is anger. I’m sure that came as soon as the reporters had left the room.

This is an organization in disarray. From the GM to the coach to even the marketing department. Need proof? Check out the photo at the top of this post. This came directly from the homepage of the Boston Celtics. It shows the worst possible outcome of tonight’s draft for them – the 5th pick. And right below the picture of the number 5 ball is a button to get season tickets. Now you tell me the Celtics didn’t get exactly what they deserved.

Thank you NBA for an outstanding evening.