Today's Top Tools: Challenger, Gray and Christmas

We're very excited to debut a new feature on the blog today, just in time for that hateful memo from your HR department in re the use of the Web. The Tool of the Day will be awarded to people in sports who earn our extra special attention... and who better to kick things off than the the latest annual bullsquat numbers from those killjoy numbnuts at Challenger, Gray and Christmas on how much March Madness is killing the American Overlord?

It will come as little surprise to you that C, G & C's real expertise comes in helping Overlords hand out pink slips with abandon, or that their numbers are filled with rich, savory horse flop. That won't stop the ever-lazy media from just regurgitating their annual greedhead press release, right?

So rather than be bitter about this, or wonder why C, G & C don't give equal time to the productivity menace that is Girl Scout Cookie Season, women daring to have their menstrual periods during working hours, or the work force dying at times that aren't convenient to management, let me just close with my own statistics for the media to pass along. I promise that they have the same intellectual rigor and devotion to an agenda-free service of the truth as the best that C, G & C have to offer.

> During the creation of this year's findings, C, G and C personally increased productivity in their own office by providing the top PR placement officer with his or her very own American house slave

> The 14 Americans who were specifically terminated for their productivity failures during the 2008 men's basketball tournament have all, miraculously, managed to find equally crappy jobs this year, and plan no change in behavior during this year's event

> Every single employee at C, G and C went to Duke

> Any actual drop in production will be more than offset by people staying at their desks later, cutting out discussion of other non-work related interests and activities, and generally being, you know, adults

> The amount that C, G and C raises their estimate every year is exactly proportional to the increase in spending among senior management for impotence cures