Why does anyone think there is an NBA MVP race?

Association fans seem to be frothing at the mouth about a three-way race for the top dog spot. Let's begin, and hopefully end, with some numbers.

LeBron James - 28.5 points per game, 7.5 rebounds, 7.2 assists, 1.76 steals, 1.27 blocks, shooting 48.7% from the floor and 77.2% from the line. The Cavs are 53-13.

Kobe Bryant - 28.0 ppg, 5.4 rpg, 4.9 apg, 1.27 spg, .47 bpg, shooting 47.5% from the floor and 86.8% from the line. The Lakers are 53-13.

Dwayne Wade - 29.9 ppg, 5.1 rpg, 7.6 apg, 2.26 spg, 1.41 bpg, shooting 49.3% from the floor and 76.7% from the line. The Heat are 36-30.

Now, let's see. One player has the best numbers in five categories, but his team is only six games over .500. Another has the best record in the toughest conference (and I'm sorry, West fans, but that's no longer you -- six out of the seven worst records in the league belong to you, and seeing how you don't have the defending NBA champions, the only argument you've got for being the better conference is historical), along with terrific all-around numbers; he's also got a pretty ordinary supporting cast. The final guy is more or less having the same year he's had for the past five years, give or take a little better shooting and less boards and assists, because his minutes are down.

And the choice for MVP is... um, really, still Kobe? At least for the Lemur's Chris Sheridan, who might be just trying to do that Bad Tooth thing that sports radio does, or might just be a freaking idiot.

Look, I don't have that much skin in the game. I'm not a Heat fan, or a Cavs fan, and my Laker Hate is greatly exceeded by my Celtic Hate, my general Spur Disdain, and my continued Maverick Shadenfraude. I like my Sixers, and fah on all of you for not feeling the love for our 6th seed finish and one-and-done against the Dwight Howards. But honestly, what exactly does the best player in the league have to do to be recognized as such?

Unlike the reigning MVP, King James does not have an All-Star offensive center with kitten-soft hands in his prime (aka, Pau Gasol). Kobe has the coach with the most rings of any active active, while LeBron has to make do with a guy (Mike Brown) that frequently does not seem to be able to find his sizable pantload with both hands and a map.

It's not even like the voters are rewarding the proven playoff performer. Kobe's el foldos against the Suns and Celtics were something even his most ardent apologists have a hard time getting past, where LeBron has fairly heroic doomed efforts against a home-court Celtics team that had three out of the four best players in the series, and a Spurs team that enjoyed similar representation.

Oh, and there's also this. LeBron James has never been accused in a public court of anal rape, along with an admitted case of marital infidelity. Pardon me for failing to Obey My Thirst and just forget about all of that. Pardon me, really, as the father of daughters for *never* forgetting that, and thinking that but for his money and fame, he'd be doing just about the hardest time that there is. And a final pardon, really, for making you remember that your hero had to defend his use of the back door screen in a jury setting.

Now, if you want to argue that Dwayne Wade should be the MVP, I'll take that. He's got ridiculous talent, slightly better numbers than LeBron, and unlike Kobe, isn't just having the same year he always has. I'd argue that the Heat would need to at least get into the top 4 in the East to make Wade a remote argument, but they do still have a fifth of the season to play, and that's not impossible. I'd still probably not buy the argument, because the Heat won't be catching the Cavs on record, and I think their talent is quite comparable. But at least you'd have an argument.

But this abject Kobe Worship... you do realize, Sheridan and the rest of Mamba Harem, that no matter how much you kiss the loon's ass, he still likes it a little rougher than that, right? Just, um, checking...