The Five Tool Movie Review: Watchmen

Took in the new film with the Five Tool Ninja last night. Here's some quick thoughts on a good, though very mixed bag. Wait, maybe that's not the right word. Anyway...

"Watchmen" is nearly three hours long, and that's just a dang long time to sit in a theater. It's also a little too loud a little too often, and the violence is over-amped enough to be a bit wearying. Finally, it's a (very) serious story based around a fear (nuclear annihilation) that people have, for the most part, put in the back burner for the past 20 years, ever since the Soviet Union stopped being the Big Bad. So it's got some challenges that any director would have had issues with, which is part of the reason why the damned thing hasn't been made for 20 years, despite any number of efforts.

It also suffers from some highly curious decisions from "300" director Zach Snyder. (I know, I know, it's startling to think that a guy who made "THIS! IS! SPARTA!" the go-to phrase of 2006 could make some bad decisions. And I loved "300".)

The first and most unavoidable is his treatment of Dr. Manhattan, a physicist who become a Superman stand-in after a horrific accident. He also, well, spends most of the movie naked, with a visible penis.

Now, I get *why* Snyder did this; Manhattan's nakedness is reflective of the character's distance from humanity. Since that relates highly on the plot, it's the truest character costuming available. When Manhattan wears clothes in the film, it's always part of a set scene, where he's making an effort; most of the film, he doesn't. It's also an R-rated movie where we get some titty, so hey, fair's fair.

But, and here's the killer thing -- it just takes you out of the movie. Along with the tittering of the crowd, because, well, your eyes never quite get used to the fact that hey, you can see his schlong. In a sci-fi fantasy film that's doing what it can to get you into an alternate world, getting taken out of the movie is not helpful. (A similar though lesser issue creeps up from the film's use of well-known classic rock songs to set a mood, and real-world political mannequins like Richard Nixon, John McLaughlin, Pat Buchanan and Eleanor Clift.)

Next, Malin Akerman is Laurie Jupiter in this, and the principal female character in this movie, and while she's easy enough on the eyes... well, not so much on the brain. Maybe the role is badly written, and maybe I'm just expecting too much from a movie that I'm invested in, having loved the book.

Or maybe, just maybe, she's just a wooden and highly limited actress, and Snyder was too wrapped up in how the movie looks to notice this. (Who would I have rather seen? Any member from the Joss Whedon stable, with Summer Glau being perhaps the best choice, because damn, I love me some Summer Glau. But I digress. Moving on.)

Having gotten the bad news out of the way, let's get to the good. It's smart. It's effective. The effects are terrific and inventive, in ways that actually serve the story. Snyder stayed very faithful to the book. The cast is mostly made up of people who you haven't seen in a million movies, so they actually act their parts. Jackie Earle Haley is Rorschach in every possible way; there is no better human available to play that part. Billy Crudup does similar great work with Dr. Manhattan. It moves well, despite the length. Most of the stuff that you love in the book is here. Realistically, I couldn't have hoped for a better movie, and when it comes out on DVD, I'll probably pick it up, just for the extras.

But damn -- had they just given us less Blue Man and a better actress...