Top 10 Most Surprising Roid Users

As the Mitchell 103 and the ever dwelling sports media (and yes, I know, guilty) has shown, baseball's Roid Story refuses to go away. Let's face it: with hundreds of users of all levels of skill and performance on the books, it's more surprising now to hear that someone is, without a doubt and beyond the pale, clean.

But given the peer pressure and momentum of the roiders, would you be surprised to find out that the use went beyond the diamond? After all, MLB is filled with ex-players and eternal kids, folks who might want to have more insight into the new experience. Heck, you could even justify it on performance levels -- it's not like it's an easy life, given all that travel and pressure. Maybe your pitching coach feels like he needed a little boost before throwing yet another round of BP. Or the manager just says screw it, I want to be bigger too.

So, without further ado, the next wave of cheaters...

10. Tim McCarver. Sadly, the Web does not have the video of Deion Sanders throwing ice water on McCarver, because the Internets do not love us all that much, so we'll just have to live with the single frame. Nothing is as bitter as a bitter old man, and no one has a better memory for slights than an old catcher. McCarver uses to get big and plot his revenge. His verbose and excruciating revenge.

9. Bud Selig. What, you think that the commish who used the Roid Era wasn't going to sample the product? Let's face it, you don't make some of the decisions that the Budster has made (the All-Star Game being the most obviously addled) without being on *something*. I'm seeing him in a bombed-out basement gym, pushing the weight and talking about Commissioner Fight Club.

8. Joe Morgan. Big and Red, indeed. The Hall of Fame second baseman, stat hater and all-around lunkhead with a mic probably went with the Lemur flow on this one (see the higher entries on the list). At least, until he heard that the A's used. Then, he swore off them...

7. Rob Dibble. Take a look at his career -- strong peaks, injury history, temper tantrums -- and tell me he's not a roider. Next, take a look at his broadcasting "work" (go ahead, I dare you), and tell me that he's changed anything in his life since he was between the lines. He probably backs his postman off the plate.

6. Don Zimmer. Finally, the 2003 brawl is explained! Oh my goodness, indeed. But when you already have a plate in your head, a needle in the rear just seems like balance.

5. John Kruk. You'd think that a fat tub of goo who is only 50% more uncle than aunt (think about it... and then, for the love of Jebus, stop thinking about it) would refrain from the juice? No chance. When your diet consists entirely of beer, pizza, and pizza-flavored beer, you need a complex blend of chemicals just to remain upright. The fact that the man fits on your television, and isn't known simply as Krukkie the Hutt, is all the proof you need. That robe isn't getting any smaller, folks.

4. Scott Boras. Darth Agent can not give any advantage to any other agent. Even more frightening is the fact that the roids he is on work purely on his mind. It goes something like this.



3. Joe Buck. Shocking? Yes, I know -- shocking! You can't believe it! But without steroids, Joe Buck would not be able to summon the wild enthusiasm and excitement that he brings to every single one of his telecasts. (Because Joe Buck is, in fact, a flesh-eating zombie. Which, of course, is less surprising than him taking steroids.)

2. Nate Silver. Is it possible to be the world's biggest baseball stat nerd, then pivot on a dime and become the world's biggest political polling nerd? I'm calling shenanigans. He's on the brain roids, people, and the delusions of grandeur (Oscar predictions?) are becoming palpable. Step away from the throbbing brain, people. I've seen a lot of movies, and those never end well.

1. Bill Simmons. You think a non-juiced writer can kick out 10,000 words on Manny Ramirez? No. Or, at least, I hope to hell not. Besides, I've listened to that podcast (the things I do for you people), and you can definitely hear the back acne, impotence and paranoia. It's all there, people.

And why else would a writer go to the steroid well so often? Wait, crap, forget I said that. I SAID, FORGET I SAID THAT!