The WWE Is Making Nugget Friends

The big story on the Internets on the NBA's off day is that the WWE and the Denver Nuggets have an event conflict for Game Four of the Conference Finals. With over 10,000 tickets already sold for the existing event, this is a relatively simple matter of negotiating between two parties... but that means a cheap PR moment would pass Vince McMahon by, and it's not like he's going to miss that, is he?

"Even though the Denver Nuggets had a strong team this year and were projected to make the playoffs, obviously Nuggets and Pepsi Center owner Stan Kroenke did not have enough faith in his own team to hold the May 25th date for a potential playoff game," said WWE Chairman Vince McMahon.

Considering that this would mean that Kroenke was projecting a team finish that was better than they've finished in decades, and that he would also have to know exactly how the television schedule would fall out... well, um, I'd have given Vince the date, too. After all, the building doesn't pay for itself.

As for what happens next? Well, as much as Blogfrica would love to see some kind of hybrid event, I suspect that the NBA's superior dollars (and the fact that Kroenke owns the building) is going to win the day here. But if Kobe wants to pursue any kind of angle with that girl from Eagle? That's the kind of heat you can't buy, folks...

Oh, this will work out well

In Miami today, the utter geniuses who run the Nationals have decided to take what might be their most talented hitter, and clearly their most unhinged, and put him on the bench. That would be Elijah Dukes, whose past history includes a trade away from the team that drafted him (Tampa), mostly because of, well, the assault and battery.

But hey, they must have a really good reason to make this fine fellow ride pine, right? Well, sure. I mean, it's not everyday that you get the chance to play Austin Kearns. Oh, wait, actually, you do, because this is what Austin Kearns has done in the past three years of use in MLB.

2006 -- .830 OPS on 537 ABs, .265, 24 HRs and 86 RBIs

2007 -- .765 OPS on 587 ABs, .266, 16 HRs and 74 RBIs

2008 -- .627 OPS on 313 ABs, .217, 7 HRs and 32 RBIs

Let's put it this way; he's held in such regard by the baseball fans of the world, he's owned in 1% of the fantasy baseball leagues in Yahoo. That number hasn't gone up appreciably since it was announced that he has the starting job.

Oh, and he's 28 already. In short, Kearns is lucky to be in the major leagues, assuming that Washington qualifies, let alone have a starting job. I think we all know that when you have diminishing returns in three straight years, and now hit like a backup catcher despite playing a corner outfield position... well, you shouldn't be in a starting position. Ever.

Here's Dukes, by comparison.

2007 - .709 OPS on 184 ABs, .190, 10 HRs and 21 RBIs

2008 -- .864 OPS on 276 ABs, .264, 13 HRs and 44 RBIs (oh, and also 13 steals, which is half of Kearns' lifetime total)

Dukes is also 5 years younger than Kearns. Now, why did the Nats go this way?

Well, Kearns outplayed Dukes in spring training.

No, I'm not kidding.

Um, since when does a few weeks of at bats trump many, many years of non-production, let alone the vast difference in potential that being four years younger and in the major leagues involves?

Not to put too fine a point on it, but Dukes is actually talented. He'd have to be to make up for his past history and other fine moments of Mensa membership. Kearns? Maybe five years and many, many injuries ago, you make this move. Today, it starts as dumb and, if the Nats are very, very lucky and Dukes has somehow added some composure to his makeup, goes no further.

And in other news, the Nattys got the stuffing pounded out of them by the Marlins, with Kearns going 1 for 4 with an RBI, and Dukes registering a pinch-hit strikeout in ninth inning of what wound up being a 12-6 Natty loss.

I put the over/under on some kind of Incident at, oh, three days...

Cutfight

So the Lemur has the story of the continuing miseries arising in Denver, where shockingly young head coach Josh McDaniels and sulking diabetic quarterback Jay Cutler are getting into each other. You might remember how McDaniels entertained the notion of bringing in Matt Cassels when the Brady Backup was being shipped to Kansas City, and how Cutler didn't cotton to such a move, seeing as He's A Star And All.

According to those ever-helpful Lemur Spies (it's nice when they are sowing discord on some other laundry, isn't it?), Cutler has trust issues with McDaniels and doesn't want to be there if the Broncos aren't going to commit to him long-term.

Now, normally, you know... this is football, and Cutler hasn't done a damn thing in the league other than put up some big numbers and get his longtime coach run with a shocking final month collapse that gave the division, such as it was, to the Chargers. So my sympathies aren't particularly with him, especially given his douchey sideline faces; between him an Phil Rivers, Raider and Chief Fan have to be dreaming hard about any clean blindside blitz.

But McDaniels is also far from blameless in this matter. Looking at the Broncos, there were, perhaps, 4 players on the starting roster that were at a championship level: Cutler, WRs Brandon Marshall and Eddie Royal, and CB Champ Bailey (if healthy). Since taking the reins, he's alienated the QB, seen the #1 WR get arrested (yet again), and blown a great deal of money on a 35-year-old safety (Brian Dawkins) that needs to be protected in coverage against tight ends... and oh, the division has, at last count, Tony Gonzalez, Antonio Gates and Zach Miller. (I know, but Miller's actually really good. Look at the numbers, then look at his QB and offense. He's doing a lot with a little.)

For a guy with a sieve for a defense (and no, Dawkins doesn't magically make that go away), there were better ideas than starting a fight with your perfectly good QB. For a team with no real running back (and no, Correll Buckhalter doesn't magically make that go away, either), there were better ideas. Or for a team that's wondering how the new guy will manage, given that he's younger than just about anyone with this job ever, and the talent roster is a gaping void.

But by all means, Patriot Masstermind McDaniels, continue to make things wrong with your QB. I'm sure that will work out well for you...

The UFL Are What We Thought They Were

Word on the wire last night that the UFL -- you remember the UFL, don't you? It was one of those things that insufferable idiot Mark Cuban was going on about -- is all set to start its first and last season this fall. You've got a four-team league in New York, Vegas, Orlando and San Francisco with name coaches (Jim Fassel, Dennis Green, Jim Haslett and Ted Cottrell).

They'll play on Thursday nights on Versus, also known as the channel that you don't watch the NHL on, have a six-game season, and wrap things up on Thanksgiving. They're also going to try to get noted dog-killer Michael Vick to join the festivities, just to give the train wreck watchers that will go to see this thing something juicy to heckle.

Now, say this for them... at least they've got name-brand coaches. I know that whenver I'm choosing to watch a new minor league during the busiest time in the sports calendar (seriously, you've got World Series games along with the NFL, NBA and NHL during this time, along with college football and, well, saving your money to get through Christmas), I want to know that it's being coached by someone who I'm familiar with for past spectacular failures. And with Denny Green on hand, we'll be sure to tune in for those post-game press conferences, just to see if the media (which is to say, three bloggers, two of them drunk) can get him to say his catch phrase, Gary Coleman-like.

Could they, say, have played their freaking games in the yawning six-month gap when the closest thing you get to NFL football is Mel Kiper Jr. and the same-old same-old coverage of Gosh, It's Hot In The Summer In A Training Camp? Hell no. Could they have rolled out more than four teams, and put them actually close together, so that they could tap into that good regional hate that people have for each other in the DC to Boston megalopolis? Nah, let's just do it in Orlando instead, which is Iowa City with heat and humidity. Personally, I can't wait to see the team names and logos, because with this amount of brain power shone to date, I think we're going to get something truly special. As in short bus special. (Oh, and nice timing with the economy on this. At least you won't have to fight the NHL for airtime, since that will probably be closing up shop by then anyway.)

Which leads me to the final three questions...

1) Can't you boys just admit that you're hoping to backdoor your way into an NFL expansion franchise now, rather than actually pretend that you're launching a legitimate enterprise?, and

2) Given that you're all showing about as much intellect and marketing acumen as the XFL -- hell, you're in the same exact cities! -- how, exactly, did you get to become millionaires again?

3) Will it lead to a new talking Cuban doll?

TNF Notes: Jets v. Patriots

I got tonight's game, thanks to my proximity to the Jets media market. It was startlingly entertaining, unlike the next few weeks of NFLN work, which prominently features AFC West teams. Ye gads, this is a network that's just trying to hurt you, really.

I've seen way too much Jet Football this year, both from the market proximity and the fantasy league over-reliance on Thomas Jones, Jerricho Cotchery and Leon Washington. So here's the key points from a game that you probably didn't see...

> The Jets took a big early lead (24-6) on the stength of a Washington kickoff return and some good red zone work by Favre. The Patriots then got a last-second touchdown before the half, as they exploited Jabbar Gaffney against the Jets' weak nickel backs, but the odd thing was how the Jets kept refusing to spy Matt Cassel, who wound up running 8 times for 62 yards tonight to lead the Pats. Honestly, the Jets' failure to adjust for Cassel picking up easy first downs was kind of amazing. Eric Mangini might have won a big game tonight, but his team did it, not his coaching.

> In the second half, the Pats played error-ridden football to make their comeback a hell of a lot harder than it had to be. A Ben Watson fumble stopped one drive just outside of the red zone. An oversnap in the shotgun led to a 23-yard loss and a failed drive. Meanwhile, the Jets were going three and out, forgetting to run the ball, and in general, just behaving dramatically unlike a team that was ready to step up and lead the division.

> Finally, Cassel found Watson at the end of the third for the touchdown, got the surprisingly early 2-point conversion to Gaffney, and then added a long field goal to tie it after another failed Jets drive. The Jets then responded with a long drive that was the kind of thing you thought they'd be doing all night: using their physical offensive line that is much, much better at run than pass blocking, buttressed by the occasional short safe throws from Favre.

After one questionable defensive holding call followed by a much more defensible one, Jones was finally able to punch it in from the one, giving me the fantasy football friendly evening that I needed to take over (temporary) first place in my league. Woo hoo! Go me! It's my birthday! It also looked like the dagger.

> After the kickoff, the Jets forced a three and out with a great Kris Jenkins sack, and things Absolutely Over, given Belichick's continuing shakiness with his timeouts... but the Pats held on a short third down, and wound up 65 yards away with 64 seconds left. Thanks to some truly regrettable prevent defense and some surprisingly competent two-minute drill work from Cassel, the game came down to a 4th and 1 from the 16 with eight seconds left.

Now, at this moment in the game, Randy Moss had two catches for six yards. He'd been open on a deep ball in the third that Cassel failed to keep in the field of play, one of those passes that makes Patriots Fan absolutely convinced that no matter what, this isn't their year. He was, basically, playing one of those trademark Randy Moss Isn't Very Interested Games, because a good corner does that to him with increasing regularity now, and the Jets have a very good corner in Darrelle Revis.

So, on the very last play of the game, after a defensive time out, the Jets put Ty Law on Moss instead.

Law, who was unemployed earlier in the, um, week, mostly because he's very old and very slow.

Who was then promptly beaten off the line by Moss, couldn't recover on a perfectly thrown out by Cassel, and then got to watch the booth review for a pointless few minutes before the catch was upheld.

Tie game and overtime.

Now, honestly, Mangini seems to be a tolerable coach. In two of his three years, he's managed to have his team play meaningful football. If he's had any input at all on the personnel decisions, that's also to the good; his defense is loads better than it was last year. Winning on the road in Foxboro, regardless of how wounded the opponent is, is a great win. Maybe Law had been having a good night up to then, but I kind of doubt it, given that Cassel wound up throwing for 400 yards.

But, um, seriously? You have a guy off the street covering what might be the best wideout in football, one on one, in a do-or-die situation with the division lead and your likely playoff life on the line, since a Patriots win would have given them a 2-0 heads-up edge in the tiebreaker?

That's not strategy, that's suicide. And that kind of unspeakable brain fart just isn't compatible with a team that comes anywhere near a title. Period.

> The Jets won the toss, and with the crowd giving the Pats' defense as much love as they are still capable of giving, gave up a a bad sack on Favre to force a 3rd and long. With all of us waiting for the Favre TAInt that is always looming in big games, the veteran instead took advantage of a non-existent three man pass rush and a wide-open Dustin Keller to convert for the first. Dramatically bad coverage on the part of the home team.

> After that, Favre kept feeding Keller with safe throws, backed up by occasional Jones runs. A big against-the-grain completion to Coles was the last unsafe play of the night, and it put the Jets in field goal position. After three last Jones carries to center the ball and get it closer, Jay Feely came out to add his signature drama on the event. A fluttering field goal snuck in past the left upright, and that was that. Give it up for Mangini here, in that if he had kicked on third down and from two yards further out, maybe Feely misses.

So the Jets move to 7-3, the Pats fell to 6-4... and I'm really having a hard time imagining the Dolphins not winning this division. And by the way, this would never have happened in Bill Belichick was alive. (Seriously, the man's lost the fastball. He's been brutal this year, first in the Colts game, and now this. You get the feeling that he's just not trying as hard as he usually does, because he can't get over the fact that all of his best players are hurt and the game just isn't as much fun when you are scoring 500 points a year. Couldn't happen to a nicer guy, really.)

Oh, and finally, give the devil his due. Favre never made the big mistake that would have swung this game to the home team, and he made all of the throws he needed to win the game.

Expect to hear this, oh, a million times in the next week...

Epic Drop: Top 11 Ways to help Andy Reid fix the Philadelphia Eagles

Today's list is something that, in a better world where I become famous for blogging, would be read on the air on sports talk radio in the Philly area, so that this site could be besieged by mouth-breaking sports radio types. The first wave would be highly complimentary, because burying Andy Reid is right up there with smacking Bush supporters right now in terms of being on the side of public opinion.

Then, the next wave (which would happen after the Eagles win by two or three touchdowns against the Bengals) would roll on in to work me over as a big idiot since the world has changed. There would also be, of course, people who think that my opinion can't possibly be valid, because I must not (a) have played the game like they did, or (b) have to be gay.

Thank the stars no one really reads this thing, eh?

Follow Up File

Hey, remember Jerome McDougle, the one-time Eagles first round pick who was released before the end of training camp and picked up by the division rival Giants?

Philly Fan was absolutely, positively convinced for a few days there (especially in the netherworld of Grouse Radio) that Ol' Stiffie was going to turn his entire career for our hated rivals. With his impressive 2008 preseason and obvious physical gifts, he was going to be the second coming of Cris Carter, only on defense.

Anyway, you know how this ends, right?

Three active games, with one solo tackle, for the 29-year-old. He's been a healthy scratch for the Giants other games.

Leaving me with the final question... which seems stupider to you: our political discourse, or our sports talk?

MNF Madness: Saints-Vikings

Just an absurd game tonight in the Bayou.

In the first half, the hometown Saints outgained the Vikings by a 5 to 1 margin in the first half, only to be down 17-10. Credit Martin Grammatica for a hopelessly bad field goal attempt that was blocked and returned for a touchdown, as well as some breathtakingly bad moments from the skill position players.

In the second half, it got really freaking weird. The Vikings decided to punt to Reggie Bush, despite the fact that he took two of them (!) to the house, and might have had a third if he could have kept his feet. Gus Frerotte (!) then came back after nearly being decapitated to throw a long touchdown to Bernard Berrian, on a play where Berrian almost got killed by his own teammate on a simultaneous double post pattern. The Saints were penalized 17 times. Grammatica came back after the blocked kick to hit from 53 yards away. Despite the high score, both defenses were absolutely murderous with the hitting, with Antonio Winfield becoming the first guy to have a sack, blocked kick, fumble recovery touchdown and blocked kick return touchdown in the same game.

Was that all? Hell no. Brees should sue for non-support. I've always thought that interceptions shouldn't always be given to the QB. With three minutes left in the first half, Brees hit WR Lance Moore in the hand on a short out. Moore reacted to this by tapping the ball into the air and falling down, setting up the interception for the opportunistic Vikings defense. On another play, Bush fumbled after having his head nearly torn off on a facemask penalty that wasn't called, as the cursed Ed Hochuli found himself in the crosshairs Yet Again. (He also whiffed on an Adrian Peterson fumble call with 1:11 left. Seriously, Ed, give it up.)

As for the Saints, this counts as the second game where employing a Grammatica turned out to be, well, as dumb as employing a Grammtica. His bad miss with 2 minutes left opened the door for a Vikings team that really should have been too stupid to win a game -- honestly, you kicked it to Bush twice? -- but hey, the Saints DNA runs deep.

The Saints D actually played really well -- they held Adrian Peterson to less than 2 yards a career -- but they couldn't stop Berrian (6 catches for 110, and a clear pass interference that set up the winning field goal).

It was just craziness from end to end, from two teams that are just way too flawed -- and both of them are now 2-3 -- to be any meaningful kind of playoff threat... but what the heck, it's the NFL. No one knows anything, least of all the winning coach tonight. (Seriously, Brad Childress kicked it to Bush twice. He eats paste. Winningly, but still.)

Oh, and the winning QB (Frerotte) gave a post-game interview in which he talked about being mildly concussed, and on HD, you could see the large purple welt on his forehead. At least it went with his laundry color, and it's not like Gus doesn't have experience with Head Trauma. Matter of fact, after watching this game, I think *I* have head trauma...

Epic Drop: Top 10 Next Moves For Josh Howard

This link is much more understandable after you view this YouTube clip.



And now that you know... enjoy the link that's equal parts slamming an idiot in Josh Howard, and the other half slamming the state that he lives in and the times that we endure, in that the Union is clearly threatened by a nonsensical moment from a nonsensical player. (Oh, and bonus points to Mark Cuban, who thinks this whole problem can be blamed on... you guessed it, cell phone cameras and YouTube. Cube's brain isn't what it used to be, folks.)

The Obligatory DeSean Jackson Post

Nothing quite shows the difference that you get from rooting for / rooting against the laundry than the infamous DeSean Jackson touchdown turndown on MNF.

In the event that you've been in a cave, the talented Eagles rookie wideout cemented his place in the Leon Lett / Cementhead of the Millenium Pantheon with a nonchalance towards the end zone in this week's MNF game. Luckily for the Eagles, the move befuddled both the Cowboys and the referees, who blew the whistle on a live ball and/or failed to pick it up. On the next play, Brian Westbrook cleaned up the garbage with a 1-yard plunge, and on some level, it's No Blood, No Foul.

On another, of course, Jackson can spend the rest of his life having a Jerry Rice-level career, and it won't matter -- he'll still be That Hotdog Idiot.

Now, Philly Fan has been so starved for a wideout of quality -- remember, we went to multiple NFC championships with James Thrash and Todd Pinkston -- that they haven't pilloried the guy. He also ran backwards for a disturbingly long time on some punts against the Rams, and had a few moments of the dropsies despite the 100-yard-plus day in Dallas. We're not expecting an incredibly heady player here.

But what Jackson also has -- and what you can not, no matter how solid the citizen, teach -- is an ability to play the game in the slight future. You watch his body control around the sidelines or in the air, or his startling calmness in the moment before action, and you can tell he's just got It.

Now, whether he can stay healthy is an open question, or whether some CB or S is going to take him out of the game with some Al Harris-esque mugging... all fair questions. NFL history is littered with guys who started hot and then didn't keep it going for whatever reason. For all we know, Jackson's immaturity on the field might be matched off of it, and we'll be reading about him in police reports.

But until the stupidity actually hurts the on-field results (and to date, it hasn't, though you have to hope that Reid and Company are going to have more success reining him in for the rest of the year), Eagle Fan is going to try to just forget That Play ever happened.

The rest of the world, not so much.

Pulling A Daunte

I would like to, in a similar moment at age 39, announce my retirement from the NFL.

And MLB.

Also, the NBA.

It's a tough day for me. Please excuse me if I start tearing up.

But kudos, Daunte, for taking your ball and going home... when you were already home. Quitting when no one will hire you will always be known as Pulling A Culpepper from now on, taking the proud mantle from Derek "Operation Shutdown" Bell.

Thank you, and good night. I need to wrap this post up before Brett Favre calls me to tell me to come back...

That's So Lions

Don't miss this... the story of Tatum Bell, in the midst of being cut by the Lions, stealing the bag of the guy that's replacing him (Rudi Johnson), and getting caught by security cameras.

Words fail, folks. Words fail. (And if someone else in the league gives Bell another job, my gast will be even more flabbered.)

H/t, Five Tool Ninja and Pro Football Talk...

Department of "Ooops!"

What's eight miles in the grand scheme of things anyway?

The real historical significance, of course, is that we now have a recorded instance of someone mistaking Wallace Wade for a college football stadium.

Epic Drop: Top 10 Reasons Why Shawne Merriman Is Going To Play With Torn Ligaments

Here's the link that will make you think... that someone in Shawne Merriman's life needs to get him to breathe a towel or six of ether and get cut on before the big idiot wakes the hell up.

In researching this piece, I checked out Merriman's web site, which is as Extremely Manly as you might imagine. Guess what? It doesn't mention his wife or kids, and I couldn't find anything on the Web confirming or denying the existence of anyone taking up dependent status on his 1040. There does seem to be some women in his past, but nothing too serious.

Say what you will about the effect that a wife and kids might have on a man's liveliness, but I guarantee you that if there were an equal partner in the future Merriman earning potential, there would be no way in hell that he wouldn't already be under the knife. Good luck, Charger Fan (and anyone that already drafted the Chargers as their defense in a fantasy league...)

Today, The Lemur Jumps The Shark For Good

The insurance-shilling Neanderthals will be spotted frequently across the cable-sports behemoth's media properties over the next year as part of a novel integration deal between Geico and ESPN that casts the cavemen as fantasy-football salesmen, as well as stars of a series of vignettes promoting the network's flagship "SportsCenter" program. - Ad Age

Genius. Because there's nothing that 18 to 34 year-old males like than force-fed corporate shill crapwork that isn't funny, sexy, or cool... for a product that everyone is forced to have, but no one feels really good about buying. When I think fantasy sports, I definitely think car insurance spokespersons!

Dumbness in Microcosm

Tuesday in the All Sta Game, oft-injured Brewers starting pitcher Ben Sheets started for the National League and threw 42 pitches. Today in San Francisco, he started again, on three days rest, and had his manager, Ned Yost, say that he should be able to work his normal workload.

Well, not so much. Sheets went five innings, giving up nine hits and four runs (two of them were unearned), in what would eventually prove to be an 8-5 Brewers win. He could have picked up the win, but the bullpen gave it up. And independent of what happened in the here and now, I'm left to wonder if the Brewers really have any clue as to who Sheets is, and what he represents -- i.e., their ace, their property in the bigs for the past eight years, perhaps the best they've had since Teddy Higuera in the '80s, and someone who hasn't made it through a year without missing substantial time since 2004.

You'd think that they'd have a little more care with that resource, but then again, that's right there with the guy being only six wins over .500, despite having a good ERA and WHIP for nearly all of those years.

You know, when he was able to pitch in the first place.

Epic Drop: Top 10 Implications From the NFL's Videotape Review for Gang Signals

Yes, dear God in Heaven, this is what they are concerned about. Honestly. I'm not sure I've seen a bigger waste of time and corporate fascism since David Stern became the NBA's fashion hall monitor. And is it too much for me to wonder, out loud and everything, of the relative dangers to the world at large from gang violence, as opposed to the everyday horrors suffered at the hands of the league alcohol, fast food, automotive, oil and pharmaceutical sponsors? (Oh, dear, there I go being all political again...)

Anyway, your list is here, and to all my gangbangers in the house, let me hear you say whatever it is that you say when you, you know, exist...

A Trade That Hurts Both Teams

Word on the wires is that the Clippers will be acquiring Marcus Camby from the Nuggets for an embarrassing low price of a couple of second round picks.

Now, assuming the rumor is true... why would the Nugs give up the only guy on the team who is a plus defensive player? Salary Cap Hell, of course, though maybe it's also just part of God's Punishment towards Allen Iverson for being, well, Allen Iverson. How this is supposed to help the Nugs, you know, win basketball games... that's completely off the table.

Having said that, it's not like this is going to help the Clips much, either. The Clips actually already have a center (Chris Kaman, who boards like the angry freak that he is), and already struggle mightily to get scoring from outside of the guards. Adding Camby, who's offensive game is charitably described as Limited, won't help much, and that's assuming he stays healthy.

So what we've got here is one organization (the Nugs) that appears to be on the express elevator down into the depths (Iverson isn't getting any younger, Carmelo Anthony appears to be getting incapable of getting the memo about good team behavior, and George Karl is mailing it in), and another (the Clips) that just imported one injury-prone superstar (Baron Davis) and wants to pair him with another. Oh, and games are won in the Association by teams that can, you know, score a little.

Let's just say that the Western Conference doesn't seem to be getting any more difficult right now...

One Mill Yun... Terrorists

Hey, I warned you folks that it was Bullshit Season... anyway, here's a lovely little moment from the American Civil Liberties Union (motto: "You'll Hate Us Until You Need Us")... the nation's terrorist watch list has now hit one million names.

And this blogger, by noting this fact in a public forum, makes it one million and one. (I keed. Heck, I'm sure I've been there for years.)

Oh, crap. You clicked on that link? One million and two...

Anyway, I sure feel safer knowing that the list has become a bloated and pointless behemoth that any per-hour security guard at the airport is finding to be a baffling and useless ordeal. Yay, Us!

Rage Against The Non-Machine (Umpire)

The recent spate of blown home run calls in MLB has led many to call for instant replay on those calls, since they are so important in the course of a game, and no one wants to see a playoff game ruled in error.

The problem that I have with this isn't that it would emasculate the umpires (even though, of course, it would). Rather, it's far simpler than that: I don't trust MLB to find it's junk with both hands and a map, let alone do this well.

Review of home run calls seems to be the obvious and easy first step... but what about the tag play at home? That's as important as a solo home run on the runs count, and it's even more important in the larger scale, since the blown home run call doesn't result in an out.

Once you've established the need for replay on plays at the plate, well, you've got the technology at place, and you've established the idea that we need to review for outs, since outs are precious. So with the elephant in the room, you'll want to review stolen base tag plays, and bang-bang plays at first, and fair/foul plays down the line, since you already go the extra mile in playoff games to put umpires in the outfield for just that purpose. The slippery slope of reviews on two strike (and maybe three ball) counts is next, and once that Rubicon is crossed, well, any hitter or pitcher worth his salt will tell you how much easier it is to hit when the count is 2-0 or 0-2, so boom goes the dynamite -- defensible review needs for over 400 moments in a 3-hour period. And you thought those post-seasongames were already too long.

A small aside to the folks crying for replay now, under the idea that no one should suffer the horror of a blown game over a home run call, or the 25-year memory of Donn Denkinger costing the Cardinals the World Series.... jeez, it's like you've never really gotten the gist of what being a sports fan is like. There can be only one team that wins at the end of the season, and the odds are exceptionally high that it won't be yours. How your team lost doesn't really make your pain any more noble or meaningful than anyone else's. You see Dennkinger in your nightmares; I see Mitch Williams. And by the way, in the time since then, your team has a trophy, and my time doesn't. So get over it.

If you were to look at MLB from a future perspective, the reality is that neither fan nor player really wants a human umpire, and the technology exists to eliminate them today. All you'd really need is a Questec-like system to show balls and strikes, and a uniform technology set-up for every park, so that you could ensure quality control. You would also, of course, need a core majority of players that accepted the situation, and a slow end to human umpiring, perhaps with lifetime buyouts for the current labor force. You'd accomplish this over a 5 to 10 year period, starting in the minor leagues and working up, so that when you are finally ready to throw the switch to a robo-game, it would be a simple matter of evolution.

That's not, of course, how MLB will do it. First, it will be used only for playoff games, because those are Important, dammit. Then, it'll be brought in only in places where there is suitable technology, which gives us the same issue as NFL games that don't have the benefit of SNF/MNF extra cameras... so right away, we've got game inequities. When it is ready, it won't be beta-tested for long in the sticks, because it will be expensive to implement, and the Lords of Baseball don't do anything for the long-term (witness the steroid era, the lack of meaningful revenue sharing, the work stoppages, and on and on).

In the hands of a competent organization, the slow road of human progress that will eventually lead to robo calls with dramatically higher accuracy (and, dare I dream, shorter game times) would be more or less smooth, with a plan in place to take us every step of the way. MLB will half-ass and debate and half-measure and pule and cry all the way there...

And if you don't believe me, I have only one thing to say to you: Designated Hitter. 35 years of different rules for different teams, arbitrarily enforced for no real purpose. So why would you think replay would be any better?