Picks filled with spite

Go to Shooter if you want a rational evaluation of the relative strengths and weaknesses of the playoff teams. I'm just here for the hate.

Eagles: My status as an adopted Philadelphian made this an obvious pick, but, frankly, Dallas can go to hell. The Cowboys are everything that's wrong with America. Tacky, loud, nouveau riche, possessed of a wholly undeserved sense of accomplishment and entitlement. When unwashed crazy men fall asleep in 20-degree caves outside of Fallujah, they're dreaming of blowing up Skeletor Jones' colossal monument to his own ego. The Cowboys embody every Ugly American stereotype. They're rude, stupid and loud. Their quarterback is Gomer Pyle, their no. 1 WR reacts to every six-yard completion as if he's discovered the secret to eternal youth is buried in Salma Hayek's ass. I don't want them to lose. I want them to defiled, destroyed and defenestrated. I want their children embarrassed to say their fathers played in Saturday's game. I hate, HAAAAAATE Dallas.

Jets: The Bengals will almost certainly win this game, but my brother is a Bengals fan and I never want him to ever experience joy.

Packers: Not only is Green Bay playing good football, the Cardinals deserve humiliation. They keep slipping into the playoffs by winning the worst division in football and if the 49ers had anything approaching competent quarterbacking, the Cardinals wouldn't even be able to claim that minimal level of success. Plus, the Bidwells are cheap and stupid, the worst owners this side of Jim Dolan. They cheated the Posttsville Maroons out of their right title and until they make it right, let their children know nothing but tears.

Ravens: I can't stand either of these teams. On one side you have a team lead by God's Own (diving on the pile 8-yards downfield) Linebacker and the son of a Bulgarian Customs inspector who still lives with his parents even though he's a millionaire at QB. On the other, you've got the Pride of White America. The fans of both teams are insufferable in victory and in defeat, but "The Wire" was better than "Spencer: For Hire" and the puling of Boston pukes complaining about how their beloved "Football Celtics" were cheated keeps me warm at night.

The Manny Taint

I'm not going to dig too deeply n the ManRam story here today. Someone in Blogfrica has to avoid it, and frankly, there's nothing here that we haven't seen a hundred times before, and with each time it happens, it shocks a little less. It also says something that the biggest story here isn't that he cheated, but that MLB caught him, and is actually going to subject him to the same punishment that it has given to the borderline players that have been caught before. JC Romero and Manny Ramirez, equal in the eyes of the law. That's a little refreshing, on some level.

Assuming no further complications (a big assumption, but one that's relatively safe, given the amount of money that's behind ManRam's rehabilitation), he'll return in early July. The Dodgers will still be in first place in the mostly putrid NL West. Given Manny's advancing age and interest in proving the world wrong after this scandal, they might even be better off for this in the long run, given that they'll have a much fresher Ram for their playoff run.

The only thing this does is take the Dodgers down from a 100-win team to a 96-win team, because even though ManRam makes their whole lineup better, it's not like they don't have a good lineup without him, and a weak division to kick around. The biggest hit in the Man Ram saga is all of his fantasy owners, who now get to hate him just as much as his non-owners. It's a bonding moment for all of us, really.

But before we put this thing to bed, I'd like to talk about the New England major sports champions of the last decade, and how every single one of them -- yes, amazingly, all of them -- are now more or less trading in dirty trophies. (And before Boston Fan jumps to conclusions as to how I'm clearly a New York Fan to go here, um, nope. Sorry about that.)

The Patriots, you know about, and the NFL's remarkably tone-deaf treatment of the matter means that we'll never really be able to put that team to bed. The 2004 Red Sox are loaded with guys that fit the profile of Roid Achievers, and their right-handed offensive linchpin is now an admitted cheat. ManRam is still a major contributor in 2007, along with a number of other likely suspects. The 2008 Celtics are the cleanest of the bunch, and they get to the Finals when a Hall of Fame ex-player packages his franchise player for a package of guys that play on just one side of the court, if at all.

This causes me no real joy. A tainted title is a wound that doesn't heal, and makes you wonder, really, why you bother watching the games.

But on the plus side, we get to hear Boston Fan cry about how awful this all is, and how everyone cheated and... zzzzzz... sorry, nodded off there. Enjoy your ignominy, Manny. Especially if, as some in Blogfrica are speculating, your cheating came from sexual performance doping, rather than pure athletic performance cheating. Nice legacy.

Ellis and Hobbs

More wheeling and dealing at the NFL Draft, where my Eagles have moved a couple of fifth round picks to the Patriots for starting cornerback and Sheldon Brown Go Away Jersey Ellis Hobbs. Hobbs has been starting for the Pats for years now, and while he hasn't looked anything like a #1 corner despite making good money, he's probably a better option than Publicly Pouting Sheldon, and if nothing else, the team has an absurd number of return options in special teams, with DeSean Jackson and Quentin Demps coming back from last year's team to compete against first round pick Jeremy Macklin and Hobbs.

If you want to think negative about this, there's the fact that Hobbs has trouble with bigger receivers, which hasn't been a strength of the team in recent years. However, it's also something of a misnomer that, at least in the division, this is the biggest worry you'd have. Terrible Owens is in Buffalo, Plaxico Burress is unemployed, and the Redskins go at you with smurfs. The trouble comes outside of the division, where you can easily see Hobbs and Samuel struggling against a Marques Colston, an Antonio Bryant, or, um, that Fitzgerald fellow in Arizona. Not that I'm not still seeing that in my nightmares.

Finally, there's this... I get that this is a good and deep draft, and that cheap rookie talent makes the world go around, especially if the economy starts making NFL teams worry about making payroll. (Unlikely.) But there's something to be said for taking a guy that you know can play in the league over some folks that you are choosing that weren't good enough to be named in the first 100 selections. Just sayin'.

Yes and Nos on L'Affaire Cutler

(I have to be brief on this one today; too much going on outside of the blog. Yes, I suck.)

Yes, the QB is a pouting whiner who should have gotten over it.

No, Chicago Fan will not hold that against him. Seriously, after the QBs that franchise had had, Cutler could come out of the huddle wearing wings and a fluffy tail and they'd eat it up.

Yes, Coach Idiot McDaniels is on the shortest leash imaginable for a new guy in Denver, having jettisoned his team's best asset with no real back up plan in check. Chris Simms and Kyle Orton do not count, unless you're adding up losses, turnovers, and career-threatening injuries.

No, Chicago did not give up too much for him, because there is no way in hell that their first round picks will be in the top half of the draft so long as Cutler is upright.

Yes, Cutler really is worth the trouble: he's mobile, has an arm, doesn't fear the rush and productive. Head aside, there aren't five quarterbacks in the League with a brighter future ahead of them. Denver Fan will get to regret this for a decade or more, along the same way the Falcon Fan regretted the Favre Trade up until about 2003.

No, he won't be as good in Chicago, because he won't have Brandon Marshall and Eddie Royal at the wideouts. But at least now he has a running back and a defense. In real terms, he'll win more games; in fantasy ones, he just dropped five spots in rank for 2009-10.

No, I'm not sold that Orlando Pace at tackle for the Bears was a great addition, because he hasn't been healthy for years. But he could have just been dogging it to get the hell out of St. Louis. It's a better gamble than most.

Yes, this does make the Bears better and a possible division winner, but I still think the Packers have the most talent in the division.

And finally... I think the Broncos will go 3-13 this year, and that McDaniels will be run out of town on a rail. Just one more genius that wasn't from the Belichick Tree.

(Oh, and there will also be a jokey hacky list link on this later in the day, because I've gotten a fresh invite from Editor Scrap of Epic Carnival infamy to whore myself out again. Time to go shave my legs.)

TNF Notes: Jets v. Patriots

I got tonight's game, thanks to my proximity to the Jets media market. It was startlingly entertaining, unlike the next few weeks of NFLN work, which prominently features AFC West teams. Ye gads, this is a network that's just trying to hurt you, really.

I've seen way too much Jet Football this year, both from the market proximity and the fantasy league over-reliance on Thomas Jones, Jerricho Cotchery and Leon Washington. So here's the key points from a game that you probably didn't see...

> The Jets took a big early lead (24-6) on the stength of a Washington kickoff return and some good red zone work by Favre. The Patriots then got a last-second touchdown before the half, as they exploited Jabbar Gaffney against the Jets' weak nickel backs, but the odd thing was how the Jets kept refusing to spy Matt Cassel, who wound up running 8 times for 62 yards tonight to lead the Pats. Honestly, the Jets' failure to adjust for Cassel picking up easy first downs was kind of amazing. Eric Mangini might have won a big game tonight, but his team did it, not his coaching.

> In the second half, the Pats played error-ridden football to make their comeback a hell of a lot harder than it had to be. A Ben Watson fumble stopped one drive just outside of the red zone. An oversnap in the shotgun led to a 23-yard loss and a failed drive. Meanwhile, the Jets were going three and out, forgetting to run the ball, and in general, just behaving dramatically unlike a team that was ready to step up and lead the division.

> Finally, Cassel found Watson at the end of the third for the touchdown, got the surprisingly early 2-point conversion to Gaffney, and then added a long field goal to tie it after another failed Jets drive. The Jets then responded with a long drive that was the kind of thing you thought they'd be doing all night: using their physical offensive line that is much, much better at run than pass blocking, buttressed by the occasional short safe throws from Favre.

After one questionable defensive holding call followed by a much more defensible one, Jones was finally able to punch it in from the one, giving me the fantasy football friendly evening that I needed to take over (temporary) first place in my league. Woo hoo! Go me! It's my birthday! It also looked like the dagger.

> After the kickoff, the Jets forced a three and out with a great Kris Jenkins sack, and things Absolutely Over, given Belichick's continuing shakiness with his timeouts... but the Pats held on a short third down, and wound up 65 yards away with 64 seconds left. Thanks to some truly regrettable prevent defense and some surprisingly competent two-minute drill work from Cassel, the game came down to a 4th and 1 from the 16 with eight seconds left.

Now, at this moment in the game, Randy Moss had two catches for six yards. He'd been open on a deep ball in the third that Cassel failed to keep in the field of play, one of those passes that makes Patriots Fan absolutely convinced that no matter what, this isn't their year. He was, basically, playing one of those trademark Randy Moss Isn't Very Interested Games, because a good corner does that to him with increasing regularity now, and the Jets have a very good corner in Darrelle Revis.

So, on the very last play of the game, after a defensive time out, the Jets put Ty Law on Moss instead.

Law, who was unemployed earlier in the, um, week, mostly because he's very old and very slow.

Who was then promptly beaten off the line by Moss, couldn't recover on a perfectly thrown out by Cassel, and then got to watch the booth review for a pointless few minutes before the catch was upheld.

Tie game and overtime.

Now, honestly, Mangini seems to be a tolerable coach. In two of his three years, he's managed to have his team play meaningful football. If he's had any input at all on the personnel decisions, that's also to the good; his defense is loads better than it was last year. Winning on the road in Foxboro, regardless of how wounded the opponent is, is a great win. Maybe Law had been having a good night up to then, but I kind of doubt it, given that Cassel wound up throwing for 400 yards.

But, um, seriously? You have a guy off the street covering what might be the best wideout in football, one on one, in a do-or-die situation with the division lead and your likely playoff life on the line, since a Patriots win would have given them a 2-0 heads-up edge in the tiebreaker?

That's not strategy, that's suicide. And that kind of unspeakable brain fart just isn't compatible with a team that comes anywhere near a title. Period.

> The Jets won the toss, and with the crowd giving the Pats' defense as much love as they are still capable of giving, gave up a a bad sack on Favre to force a 3rd and long. With all of us waiting for the Favre TAInt that is always looming in big games, the veteran instead took advantage of a non-existent three man pass rush and a wide-open Dustin Keller to convert for the first. Dramatically bad coverage on the part of the home team.

> After that, Favre kept feeding Keller with safe throws, backed up by occasional Jones runs. A big against-the-grain completion to Coles was the last unsafe play of the night, and it put the Jets in field goal position. After three last Jones carries to center the ball and get it closer, Jay Feely came out to add his signature drama on the event. A fluttering field goal snuck in past the left upright, and that was that. Give it up for Mangini here, in that if he had kicked on third down and from two yards further out, maybe Feely misses.

So the Jets move to 7-3, the Pats fell to 6-4... and I'm really having a hard time imagining the Dolphins not winning this division. And by the way, this would never have happened in Bill Belichick was alive. (Seriously, the man's lost the fastball. He's been brutal this year, first in the Colts game, and now this. You get the feeling that he's just not trying as hard as he usually does, because he can't get over the fact that all of his best players are hurt and the game just isn't as much fun when you are scoring 500 points a year. Couldn't happen to a nicer guy, really.)

Oh, and finally, give the devil his due. Favre never made the big mistake that would have swung this game to the home team, and he made all of the throws he needed to win the game.

Expect to hear this, oh, a million times in the next week...

Five Quick Questions for the Patriots and their fans

> Does Wes Welker still think that Assante Samuel going to the Eagles was just about getting paid, and that by leaving the Patriots, he wasn't interested in playing for championships?

> Is Patriot Fan -- you know, in the theory that any of them still exist -- disappointed in the Dolphins' lack of sportsmanship in running up the score?

> Does your schedule still look easy to you?

> Given the amount of booing and early exits, how soon until you turn on Belichick?

> How quickly did you list your remaining tickets for this season for sale?

Epic Drop: Top 10 Reasons Why, As Randy Moss Says, The Patriots Are Still The Team To Beat

Your link is here, and man oh man, do I love it when athletes say they are the team to beat. It's almost as good as when they say the road to the championship goes through their town. Um, just why should anyone be intimidated by that, really?

Anyway, go click and enjoy some of that never-obvious Patriot humor. It's 28% original!

The Brady Effect

It's been kind of fascinating to scan the various fantasy football sites and gauge the reaction to the end of Tom Brady's season. Like all things involving Patriot Fan, it starts with coddling and moves right to provoking a desire for face-slapping... and this is coming from a guy that won Brady at auction in my most important league, investing not just a high pick, but 20% of my team's salary in him.

Darren Rovell, seemingly the only man in sports to have a working knowledge of economics, estimated the shift caused by the Brady injury at $150 million. No one knows exactly which orifice he pulled that number out of, but in so doing, he got himself another note in the collective memory, so good for him.

Considering that the injury happened after the season had started, the "impact" is simple -- some teams that might have won their league won't, while some other teams will. Nothing more, nothing less.

Depending on your league, Brady probably went as high as 2, and as low as 10 -- in other words, more or less exactly where Stephen Jackson and Larry Johnson went in their doomed 2007 seasons. Where was Darren Rovell then? Why didn't Yahoo lead off their fantasy coverage with "Stay in the game" headlines for Jackson and Johnson's owners?

Oh, right, because they are running backs on teams without significant fan bases. Which means that the people who drafted those guys might have been bummed or bent out of shape, but they weren't as likely to take their ball and go home because Tommy Dweamer wasn't going to give them numbers. (Maybe -- and just maybe -- it's also because the switch from Brady to Cassel means lower numbers for your other Patriots like Moss and Welker. I'm still not buying it, though.)

If I were a longtime Patriots Fan (and not a 2007 Masstermind, inspired by their outstanding moral character), I'd be offended by this level of coverage for my team. Injuries happen; we're men; move along. When Randall Cunningham went down for the year against the Packers in Green Bay in week 1 in his prime, I was bummed out for weeks and Randall was never the same. I also don't remember nationwide support group meetings over my loss. Same with Donovan McNabb's various injuries.

Once again, Boston Fan has Special Emotional Needs that need to be addressed, and the rest of the nation will wonder what's in the drinking water up there to turn them all into such whiny ass titty babies. Especially since they have, you know, won a lot of things recently, really.

Oh, and while I'm going here, let's give them a good farewell scare. Booga booga, terror plot!

NFL Wrap Up, Week 1

Great googly moogly, has there ever been a greater shift of power in the first week of the season? Let's review everything we no longer know about the league.

(I'm also going to ignore the MNF games for now, and hopefully later, in that the Raiders will be involved. Let's just move on.)

> After the Brady injury, the Patriots are no longer the favorite to win the AFC East, let alone the Super Bowl.

Will they miss the playoffs without Dreamboat Brady? They shouldn't; they still have great wideouts, a reasonable line, some good running backs, an above average defensive line, good special teams, a ruthless coaching staff and, most importantly, a kitten-soft schedule. Matt Cassel can win games against bad teams. More than that, not so much.

> The teams that everyone thought were the challengers to the Patriots' throne -- the Colts, Chargers and Jaguars -- all lost, and mostly looked terrible in the process.

The Chargers gagged up a home game against a Panthers team that most people thought was a .500 club, and didn't even have the terminally stupid Steve Smith. Don't be fooled by the last-second play; the Panthers were the better team today, especially in the first half.

The Colts were simply punched in the mouth repeatedly by the Chicago Bears, and looked like the old-time finesse team that could be run on with impunity. There was also a huge mistake from Marvin Harrison opening the floodgates to a shocking loss, and Peyton Manning looked rusty and immobile.

The Jaguars lost to a Titans team that got more yards out of the running back than the quarterback, with mistake-free David Garrard turning it over three times. The division is too tough to lose manageable games, especially if you're entertaining dreams of a Super Bowl run.

Add it up, and if you're a Steelers fan, you're probably dancing in the streets right now. It's all breaking your way.

> The Browns look to be a 6 win team. At best. It's no shame to lose to a team with as much talent as the Cowboys, but when you were never really in it for your home opener, that's a whole 'nother kettle of suck. They can't defend the pass and got brutalized in the pits, and some good skill players on offense aren't going to paper over that.

> The best division in football is now the NFC East. You've got the defending champion, doing exactly what they've done during the stretch run last year. The Cowboys gave Tony Romo so much time against the Browns, he looked bored. The Eagles took out the Rams in the easiest opening game victory in the history of the franchise, in a game that's probably going to annoy the coaching staff, in that if will leave them very little to work to improve. Only the Skins look bad, and yes, they are very bad.

> I'd say something about the Jets, but the rest of the world will do that to death. Let's just leave it at the idea that my frequent picks of Jericho Cotchery (2 leagues) and Thomas Jones (2 leagues) don't look so bad today.

> Oh, and let's just call a spade a spade here... if Brady really is done for the year, his decision to walk off the field rather than take the cart, is not a moment of bravery or honor or courage. It's a defiantly selfish act from a player who cared more for his reputation than his team... because if the knee really is done, his responsibility is to get well. Period. Not stalk off the field through the pain and be muy macho.

Epic Drop: Top 11 Condolence Gestures for Patriots Fan Over The Brady Injury

Ready for the real inside story behind the Tom Brady injury? It's very simple: I own him in my most important league.

It's just the latest and greatest moment in my Masstermind Fandom, but don't worry, Patriots Fan... I'm not going away! You've got me for the duration, all the way through the upcoming season and beyond, as the good times fade and the rest of the league delights in your misery, your horror as other teams pass you by, and as it all turns to hell... it'll just be you and me, Patriots Fan!

But it'll all be OK, because I'm sure that all of you will be there for the team on the ride down, right? Let's make a pact. Nobody off the bandwagon!

Epic Drop: Top 10 Things That God Values in Tom Brady

Look, let's make this real slow and simple for the mouth breathers... no one, but no one, should want to hear Star Quarterback talking about what God does and doesn't value. We already know that you find yourself to be super neato cool and keen and better than the rest of us non-Immortals; you don't need, and really should not want, to go down the path of giving us the 411 on what the Big Guy values.

His (and by His, I mean the celestial) reasons are his own, Mr. Brady. For all we know, he chose to give you the gifts that he did because He enjoys a tight spiral as a piece of aesthetic beauty. Or that He needed the people who bet on your games last year to suffer or benefit in the exact fashion as it happened. Or that He does value football so much that he just lets it play out as random chance, rather than getting in the tug of prayer war chess match. Given the number of tools that have experienced success at the NFL level, maybe he's just using the outcomes of the games to test our faith, Job style.

The point is that when you presume to speak for the motivations of the divine, you are sending the not-so-subtle message that you could only divine these meanings through your Nearer to God Than Thee intellect and insight.

And if that's the case... why, exactly, have you lost in the playoffs to Eli Manning, Peyton Manning and Jake Plummer?

Acquiring the trophy

So there's a piece in the Boston Globe this week about how the writer, a Giants fan, braved Central American jungles to get his hands on Perfectriot wear, so he could wear it in front of his Masshole friends. And as you're reading it, consider, for just a moment, the logistics involved, and the hard-core douchebaggery going on here -- if only for the sheer expense of getting there to do it, let alone the up close and personal experience of haggling with a disadvantaged person for their clothing.

The NFL needs to just start selling wrong attire locally, or maybe get the worst places in the world wired up so they can use eBay. Because, honestly, the world hates us enough already. (Or maybe just toss Boston and New York out of all leagues for a couple of years on general principles...)

Payback

I caught this yesterday, but failed to comment. Wes Welker, the slot WR for the Patriots, decided he needed to mouth off about ex-teammate Asante Samuel and his contract with the Eagles. As if Philly Fan (and, indeed, the rest of the world) needed any more reason to hate Boston and its twee sports scene. Let's give Jim Rome his moment on this, shall we?



I can't remember, really, an NFL season that I'm more looking forward to, if only for the number of chickens that are coming home to roost. The Patriots realizing that Jabbar Gaffney is, in fact a long step down from Donte Stallworth (as an Eagles fan, I can attest to that difference from, well, our own eyes). Hell, maybe he even makes you remember Reche Caldwell. That'd be nice.

Randy Moss starting to show that standout work ethic that he's given familiar teams in the past... Tom Brady picking himself off the ground roughly twice the amount of times that he did last year, as every team tries to replicate the Giants game plan... the Patriot offense standing on the sidelines for increasing amounts of time, as the opponent takes advantage of young LBs and an extraordinarily thin secondary... and Welker joining the great list of One-Year Wonder Whiteouts (see Brandon Stokely and Drew Bennett, but especially Stokely).

Did Samuel take the money? Of course. He's an athlete. Are the Eagles in a lesser position to go to the Super Bowl than the Patriots? Probably, in that the Patriots have been there more often more recently. and they play in a division that is terrible until proven innocent.

But it's not like Samuel went to the freaking Dolphins -- the Eagles have been a fairly consistent playoff presence during the Reid Era. There's also the fact that, um, Samuel *has* rings... and Welker does not. (Admittedly, if Samuel catches that Eli Manning duck in the fourth quarter, they've both got one more, but there's a reason why cornerbacks are not wideouts.)

There's also this... players, as a rule, do not talk about other player's motivations in contracts. It's the same thing that made Brett Favre an ass in the Javon Walker negotiations; when it comes to the off-season, guys are going to get paid and provide for their families. You know, their real ones, not the five-month kinds that can change at any moment, especially in the event of an injury.

Here's hoping that Samuel plays for more championships than Welker -- both this year and for the rest of his career -- independent of the laundry involved.

Because it's nice when guys with no class lose, Wes. It's just business.

The 2002 Pats Can Also Kiss My Ass

This is probably fake, but it's fun anyway.



When everyone loves something, I get twitchy.

This usually pops most in movies and television. I've never seen "Titanic", missed "Forest Gump" in the theaters, took a big miss on "Indiana Jones", "Jaws", "E.T.", most of the recent "Star Wars" movies, etc., etc. I've never watched "American Idol" or "Survivor" or "Everybody Loves Raymond" or "CSI", "Law and Order", and all of those other Must See Shows.

If something reaches a certain critical weight of acceptance, I get uncomfortable with the idea of liking it Just Like Everybody Else.

In politics, I'm one of the 10% that always opposed the current President, even when he was riding high after 9/11. I never liked or trusted the guy, always wondered how a guy in a cave could really have pulled it off without help or breathtaking incompetence, and knew that in the long run, we were probably in greater danger from oil companies than we were from suicidal extremists. The oil companies just seemed, you know, more persistent and professional about the whole thing. I always opposed the war in Iraq, and even questioned how effective a war with Afghanistan would be. It seemed like we were escalating criminals to martyrs, creating the next batch with our presence, and turning what could have been a police matter into an excuse for Eternal War, rather then getting the hell off oil so that we could wash our hands of the whole cursed area.

Clearly, I am not a Patriot.

So when Patriot Fan, in his never-ending quest to make everything in the NFL be about His Struggle, pulls out the You Liked Us In 2002 And You Only Hate Us Now Because You're Jealous card...

Um, well, Sadly No.

The 2002 Patriots got to the Super Bowl on a gift, a play that, regardless of the rule book, had never been called that way before, especially not in the final minutes of a playoff game. And if the play had been reversed, and if it were Rich Gannon shaking off the apparent fumble to lead the Raiders to a last-minute win, I'm pretty sure that it would have gone into the NFL history books for what it was -- as an epic screw job. But since the Patriots were a feel-good story and the Oakland Raiders are the closest thing the NFL has to a Designated Heel, no one really seemed to mind.

At the time of Tuckgate, I was living in Northern California, having been out there for a couple of years after a move from Philadelphia. I didn't know that many Raiders fans -- the area is full of transplants, so everyone you meet is originally from somewhere else -- but having moved out of the Philly area before the Iverson/McNabb Resurrection, I hadn't been in an area in Playoff Fever for a while. I was pulling for the Raiders, maybe only about 55-45, but after Tuckgate, it became more like 70-30.

The Pats then continued to pull off wins where they really weren't demonstrably better than their opponent, building a bandwagon of support. Meanwhile, one of the best teams of the era, the St. Louis Rams, a team that you could really enjoy just watching if you only ignored the existence of Brenda Warner and Georgia Frontiere, defeated my Eagles at home in a game where the Eagles played really well. Just like in the Super Bowl loss to the Patriots, the Eagles took away everything but the ground game, McNabb played at a high level, and afterwards, there was a feeling that while my team didn't win, at least I knew they had fallen to greatness.

And then the Super Bowl happened, and the Patriots won and the US invaded and my television was filled with Happy War and the Heroes of 9/11 and Those Oh So Wonderful Patriots Who Refused To Be Introduced As Individuals.

And all of it struck me as complete bullcrap then, and complete bullcrap now.

So no, Pats Fan, everyone didn't love you in 2002. But while we're continuing to talk about you, your favorite and only subject...

Look, here's a dirty little secret about sports fans that only fantasy sports and betting tends to alleviate; if my team doesn't win the championship, on some level, I don't really give a damn who does. I have no back-up team that I root for. I only have individuals that I root against, and if enough of them are on one team, that swells to critical mass level and we've got a whole team to hate.

In my life as a football fan, Pittsburgh, Denver, San Francisco, Dallas, Washington and the Giants have won multiple Super Bowls. The Cowboys employed showboats and druggies. The Giants come with Giants Fan, who's about as much fun to be near as root canal. Denver had John Elway, his never-ending teeth, and their leg-whipping offensive linemen. Washington's fans are likely employed by the government and hate on the three parts of the District that aren't safe and white.

I hated all of those teams, dully, because they were not My Team and they got to experience multiple years of joy, whereas my team always ended the year with a loss. (To be sure, I was always soft on the Niners for beating the Cowboys and just being fun to watch. But I digress.)

Only New England, sweet, precious, can't stop looking in its own navel and insisting that everyone else come look and confirm that it's an innie or an outie New England...

Only New England, with its constant puling that they've been oppressed while being, on any objective level, ridiculously blessed when it comes to Hall of Fame players and stadiums to watch them in...

Only this area, this cauldron of media wanking, this bastion of pants-wetting Lite Brite Phobes and spoiled children... only you, really, have reached This Level Of Ire. (And yes, I know, it's all because the Internet makes the eternal bleatings of New England Fan a click away at any moment. The sports blogosphere has become one huge bad tooth.)

And no, it doesn't stop just because you've spit the bit in this epic and wonderful fashion, and have become the Manning Family Bitch.

The Patriots could lose every game next year, and I wouldn't feel an ounce of sympathy for their fans.

They could have their Hall of Fame coach, cheat and adulterer gunned down in a lover's spat in a bar, and the only thing that would pass through my consciousness is a vague dread of hearing the week's worth of eulogies.

Their baseball team could go 80-plus years without a championship. and that'd be Just Peachy, really.

Their basketball team could have its first round picks die of drug overdoses while shooting each other, and I'd consider that all to be Karmic Payback.

And maybe then, just maybe, New England Fan would... drum roll, please...

SHUT THE HELL UP ABOUT THEIR COLLECTIVE FAN EXPERIENCE.

Because, um, the rest of us

DO NOT CARE, WILL NOT CARE, AND HAVE OUR OWN CRAP TO DEAL WITH, THANK YOU.

Thank you, and good night.

One Final Note from Patriot Nation

Golf clap (and a h/t to KSK).

Epic Drop: Top 10 Fan Bases That Are Delighting In New England Fan's Misery

Here's the link, and for all of you who are thinking that I'm going to the well of Patriot Sorrows too long... no.

We're going to savor their tears like fine wine, so that they keep me from the horror of Champion Eli Et Al. And the more we think about their tears, the less we think about the idea that the biggest win in NFL history is going to a team that I normally want to see dead, dead, dead. Consider it a survival mechanism.

Masstermind Round-Up: The Day After

I've been up all night, Nation, trying to figure out how We lost that game. Here's the best that I can come up with.

Coach Belichick made us lose. On purpose. Because He's A Genius.

Hear me out on this, my fellow so close to Perfectriots. (Luckily, I still have patent on that, and I think my bid for the URL is going to be accepted now. It will all pay off in the long run.)

Coach knew that no matter what, this year was going to be defined by Spygate. He also knew that if the team finished off the 19-0 year, he'd have no way to motivate them next year, and Coach is all about planning for the future. Finally, he had to teach all of us -- the Patriot Nation -- a bitter, bitter lesson. We were not worthy.

And by We, of course, I mostly mean You.

We didn't do enough. We weren't big enough homers. We didn't embrace the non-darkies on the team enough. We allowed ESPN to occasionally cover other teams in the league. We didn't have Gregg Easterbrook killed -- something that I'm certain most other fanbases would have also supported. When the Patriots were running up the score earlier in the year like the biggest heel wrestlers ever, we didn't enjoy it enough. Some part of Us wondered if we weren't just being, you know, irredeemable assholes that the rest of the world would delight in our defeat. We were weak.

Well, no more. Now, with this resolve-testing loss on all of our heads, we'll be.... we'll be.... we'll be....

WWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I CAN'T DO IT! I CAN'T DO IT! THE PATRIOTS LOST! TO THE FREAKING GIANTS! WWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SOMEBODY HOLD ME! I'M SO COLD AND LONELY AND SAD AND NO ONE WILL EVER LOVE ME AGAIN AND I'M GOING TO DIE COLD AND ALONE AND UNLOVED WITHOUT THE PATRIOTS EVER EVER EVER EVER GOING 19-0 AND WINNING EVERY GAME AND COVERING EVERY SPREAD! IT'S BEEN YEARS, YES, PLURAL, YEARS SINCE THE PATRIOTS WON THE CHAMPIONSHIP AND ALL WE HAVE NOW IS OUR DEFENDING CHAMPION BASEBALL TEAM AND OUR CONTENDING CHAMPION BASKETBALL TEAM AND OUR LOADED 18-1 FOOTBALL TEAM THAT HAS THE 7TH PICK IN THE DRAFT AND ALL OF IT IS MEANINGLESS BECAUSE THE PATRIOTS LOST! TO THE FREAKING GIANTS! WWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(breaths, gulps, repeats)

I'm OK. Just, um, got a little emotional there. That's OK, right? It doesn't make me less of a professional in Coach's eyes, does it? It's OK, we'll just take it out in the edit. Like the final game of the DVD of the season. Though that pre-game show where Terry Bradshaw went down on Brady was kind of awesome. I mean, we would have all done it, but it was nice of Brady to let an old bald guy have a turn, too.

So, anyway. Coach made us lose to make sure we'd be better next year, just as he made us lose Deion Branch so that he could get Randy Moss, just as all of the other Patriot championships are completely valid 3-point domination wins, and this is a completely invalid 3-point fluke loss.

I feel better now. Now, if you don't mind, I'm off to take a week-long bubble bath, and drink myself to poisoning levels on five different kinds of schnapps. Oh, schnapps. You're always perfect. You'll never fail me...

Final Super Thoughts

The Patriots finally lost a close Super Bowl.

That's about it, really. If Eli Manning doesn't escape from a sack in a way that he has probably never done before, and if David Tyree doesn't keep a hold on a ball by pressing it against his freaking helmet, the Giants don't win tonight. If Ahmad Bradshaw doesn't recover a fumble when he is outnumbered 4 to 1 in a pile, the Giants probably don't win this game. They were the best team on the field tonight, but in the NFL, that does not really mean that much; every game turns on a half dozen plays. As much as the Giants held the ball tonight, they only won the time of possession by a minute. As well as the Giants defense played tonight, they outgained the Pats by all of about 60 yards.

I might be alone in this, but I don't think that this win makes Eli Manning a great quarterback, any more than the idea that Bret Favre has been a great quarterback for the past five years, because he won a Super Bowl way back when. His team scored 17 points tonight against a defense that hasn't been that great; he led them to three points in a first half when they more or less controlled the game.

What happened tonight was that the Giants' defensive line controlled the game for most of the first 50 minutes, and when the offense got the ball back with one chance to win the game, they did it. Everything after that is story, and come next September, worth as much as the Patriots first 18 wins.

Oh, and hats off from this Eagles fan to the Giants for taking out the two most annoying teams in the playoffs. The fact that you were the third most annoying team... well, oh well.

Epic Drop: Top 13 Consolations for Patriots Fans

Your list is here, and I'm so sorry for the New England fans, really. No, seriously. Very unfortunate. Just awful, really.

The Super Quasi Live Blog, Fourth Quarter: Giants-Patriots

Giants start at their 20 following a Hanson failed punt. Frank Caliendo starts us off by looking asleep. Yes sir! Manning hits Boss in stride from a clean pocket, and he runs away from Rodney Harrison for 30 yards -- BECAUSE THE TIGHT END IS ALWAYS OPEN AGAINST THE PATRIOTS -- for 45. Bradshaw for 3 hard yards. Aikman disagrees that the Giants are better without Shockey, because of all of the playoff wins they had with... well, because Troy Aikman Is A Dumb Ass. Three more for Jacobs, and it's 3rd and 4 from the 30. Huge play, and Manning from the shotgun has all day to throw and an open Steve Smith to throw to. He makes the catch, and Blue is at the Patriots 12.

Bradshaw from the shotgun draw gets 7, and we are five yards away from the Giants having the lead again. Play action, and the ball is perfect to David Tyree.. and voila, there's the lead. Tynes hits the PAT, and it's 10-7 Giants. Wow, wow, wow. Patriots with the over is also looking like a DOA bet.

Maroney with a good return... but ref Mike Carey has a holding call, and the Pats will start at their 10, instead of the 33. There's 11 minutes left in this game, and if Blue can keep playing defense like this, Some Serious Interest, Really.

Moss makes his second catch of the day, this one for 17, on play action that's a high throw, but a good one. The Welker screen is anticipated, but the WR makes a man miss as always, and gets 3. Brady overthrows Moss, who didn't look all that perturbed at the idea of going for it, shall we say. 3rd and 7 is another monstrous play... and Brady ducks traffic, but then misses Welker, and the Patriots will punt. On the play, Umenyiora is hit in the head, and Madison closed beautifully to get the stop. McQuarters fields the punt, stays in bounds, and gets 10 hidden but important yards. For the fourth straight playoff game, the Giants are making the other team's QB play his worst game of the year.

9:20 left when the Giants stat the drive, and Jacobs gets a yard. A long drive and points here is what Blue is dreaming of, and given the time of possession advantage, well within the possibilities. Manning spins away from a sack, then misses Burress, who was wide open in the flat. That's the kind of play that loses football games. Wow. On 3rd and 9, from the gun, Toomer is a yard shy of the first down... and the Patriots are very, very lucky to get the three and out. Even if Manning runs instead of throwing to Burress, they get the first and keep the ball. Big, big break for the Pats. Welker calls for a fair catch just inside his 20, and with just under 8 minutes left, the Pats have the ball.

Will the Blue defense do it again? From first, it's shotgun for Brady, who finds Welker for 5. It really looks like Brady doesn't want to hold the ball for any longer than necessary. Moss runs a Welker route for 9, and the Pats have a first down. Maroney for 9 and out of bounds, and the Pats look a little better right now. Six minutes left. Welker to the Giants 43, he now has 10 catches for 93 yards, and it's another first down. First drive all night where Brady has looked like Brady. Faulk gets 4 on an out route. Welker's 11th catch is for 10 more yards, and the Pats are in theoretical field goal range with 4:15 left. The first incompletion of the drive is to Stallworth, and again, it's a quick out route. Brady is now 26 of 40 for 237 yards. Play action to Moss gets another first down and the Pats are in the red zone. The Giants pass rush has picked a bad time to disappear. Faulk for 12 over the middle, and Giant defenders are dropping like flies; this time it's Robbins, previously it was Tuck and Umenyiora. Bad moment for Blue, who have had time of possession, to also run out of gas.

First and goal from the 7. 3:12 left. Both teams have all of their timeouts. Fake handoff, pump fake right to Gaffney, then Brady misses a wide-open Moss to the left. Second down is a blitz where Brady throws behind Welker, who gets hammered to boot. James Butler for the Giants is down, and it's merely the biggest play of the season right now. Aikman gives the mouth job to Brady, as if he didn't just miss Moss on first down for the go-ahead touchdown. Seriously, how stupid do you have to be to get an NFL announcing job with Fox?

The biggest play of the game and season is from the gun. Brady to Moss, touchdown, as Webster los his feet. Gostkowski hits the PAT, and it's 14-10 Patriots, with 2:49 left. The perfect season is 2:42 away, assuming the Patriots defense can get it done.

Hixson goes down hard after a 14 yard return, so the Giants will have to go long distance to win this game. First and ten from their 17. First down is a good ball to Toomer, for 11 and the first. The Giants don't hurry. Manning takes a low snap and misses Burress in traffic. Burress has one catch for 14 yards, in his bid to be the new Freddie Mitchell. Under pressure, Manning throws high and away to Burress, and we're at the two minute warning.

3rd and 10, and Aikman is already talking about punting, Manning finds Toomer, who is marked just short of the first. Toomer could have rolled after the catch, but didn't, and with 1:40 left, the Giants are going for it. Aikman admits this is the right decision. No, you think?

AGAIN, HOW STUPID DO YOU HAVE TO BE TO GET A JOB WITH FOX?

Jacobs just makes it on fourth and short. 1:22 left, and Blue keeps it. They still have all three timeouts, and are now 73 yards away. Manning scrambles for five, and was down before the ball comes loose. Blue calls time, and it's second and five with 80 seconds left, but this drive is not exactly inspiring confidence right now.

57 yards away. Manning airmails a ball to Tyree, and Samuel doesn't make the pick; Manning is bent at his WR. 3rd and 5, 1:15 left... and Manning makes the play of his life. Shaking off pressure from several players, he throws a jump ball to Tyree, who also makes the play of his life, holding off Harrison and keeping the ball, with one hand, off his freaking HELMET. Unreal. Giants call time, 59 seconds left, ball on the Patriots 25, and what was a terrible game is having a HUGE finish.

1st and 10 on the 24. Manning gets dragged down by Thomas, and Blue uses its last time out with 50 seconds left on the clock. That Could Be Important. Blue needs to protect its QB better. From the gun, its a flutter that Tyree almost catches on the deflection. 3rd and 11 with 45 seconds left. I'd think about a draw, but Manning finds Smith in the flat, who gets the first down and stops the clock. Huge play.

First and 10 on the 14. Patriots with a sell out blitz, and Manning finds Burress all alone in the corner for the go-ahead touchdown with 35 seconds left. Wow, wow, wow. Tynes sneaks the extra point through, and it's 17-14 Giants with 35 seconds left.

Heck of a time for Burress to finally make a play in this game. He's officially overtaken Freddie Mitchell. And for that, I have no higher praise.

A big return makes overtime very possible, as the Pats still have all of their timeouts, but Maroney won't get it, as he's wrapped up at the 25. 29 seconds left, first and 10 from the 25. The Giants blitz on first, and Brady misses downfield. 25 seconds left. On second down, Jay Alford, a rookie, blows up Brady on a sack, 19 seconds left, the Patriots take a timeout. It's 3rd and 20. Wow.

From the gun, Brady tries Moss from 60 yards away, and Webster knocks it away. 10 seconds left. The ball was there, but the DB made a great play. And on the last play of the NFL season, Brady can't connect. Embarrassingly for the NFL, there is still a second left on the clock, and it's a mess to close, but close they do.

Giants 17, Patriots 14. Much, much more later. (My inner Masstermind is just CRUSHED.)