Poach and Gag

So twice now in the past week, I've been in drafts where there's been a notable high ranked player that has slipped far behind his average draft position. And in both cases, an owner has piped up in the chat window to note this, as if this wasn't, you know, roughly akin to staring at a poker hand that he wasn't in and announcing what he folded. (Especially if you were, you know, bluffing.)

Twenty years ago, when I was playing in my first leagues with guys that were older than me, in a time that was mostly before computers, we had people who did this. It irritated the hell out of the commish, and eventually we passed a league law (the "gag" rule) prohibiting that kind of behavior. It's not like we took a guy's picks away or other punitive measures; we didn't have to, because there was, you know, a degreee of personal shame involved in violating the group dynamic.

Not to get all curmudgeonly on the world, but if you are violating the gag rule routinely or (even worse) on purpose, please learn youreself some manners. I wound up having to ream a guy in the chat window (no names, it's fine now) over this. Winning a fantasy league is difficult enough, even when the league is composed of homers and people that reach on name recognition only, without having that sort of fart in an elevator thing to deal with.

Because winning a league is not about just taking the best players; it's about taking them at the right time. In a typical draft with good competitors (and sadly, like poker, the number of fish seem to be declining over time, and replaced by nothing but fellow sharks), I'm going to have 2-3 options before a pick, and my decision isn't just about who fits my roster bet, but who I think I can get if I pass on them right there.

How you feel about your team is, basically, directly related to whether or not you got the guys you wanted at the time that you wanted them. Get poached enough, and you're going on the fantasy league equivalent of tilt. And if I lose out on a guy due to some loose talk while I'm waiting for my pick, when I don't really have a secondary option set up, I'm going to be on tilt for that pick and bone it. (Nine times out of ten.)

Life is too short to put up with that, really. Moving on...

The Induction Speech You Don't Want To Hear

Curt Schilling announced his retirement yesterday, just in time for the recession created by his pick for President (whoops, sorry, that was out loud) to dry up the market of team that were willing to pony up many millions of dollars under the possibility that he might come back and add to his career stats. And while one should never take an athlete at his word on the lack of a comeback, especially given how much green is still on the sidelines and how much a media whore like Schill craves the limelight, I do think we've seen the last of him. (If nothing else, the Red Sox have effectively doubled his role by bringing in John Smoltz and Brad Penny.)

Now, for the possibly surprising point for blog readers who are familiar with my longstanding enmity for Bloggy McBloggermouth... I think he's a lock for the Hall of Fame. If I had a vote, he'd be first ballot. As Rob Neyer has pointed out, he's basically got the Catfish Hunter career, only better.

You have to give the Mouth his due. A won-loss record that's 70 games on the positive side of .500, given how much of his time was spent toiling for terrible Phillies teams, is meaningful. So are the three championship rings, all of which were more or less impossible to imagine without his contributions. He also did it, as far as anyone can tell, without the needle, and for all of the man's considerable personal foibles, it would be genuinely shocking to find out that he was a liar on that.

He will be remembered, of course, not for the curiously hittable power mix that led to the 14th most strikeouts in MLB history (at least today), nor for the pioneering measure of writing his own blog. No, the legacy will be entirely wrapped in the Bloody Sock, baseball's Shroud of Turin. One wonders, really, whether it would have been worth all of the hullabaloo had "The Natural" not foreshadowed the entire episode, or if Fox hadn't given us pitch by pitch updates on the status of the blood, as if Big Schill were a boxer trying to limp home on points.

But in the end, results matter more than style, and on that count, Schill is no worse than the third-best right-handed starting pitcher of his era, behind only Clemens and Maddux. And since the Rajah is now seen as the utter reprobate that he always was, maybe he goes up to second.

He was durable, good and clutch, and he succeeds on the only measure that should matter for Hall of Fame inclusion.

That would be this: it's impossible to tell the story of the game during the time that he played without him, because he dominated his class and standing.

Now, if you don't mind, I need to go wash up. Having praised His 38ness that much just left me feeling all dirty.

Up the ante

You are looking at Pittsburgh mayor Luke Ravenstahl, who decided that in the lead-up to this week's AFC Championship with Baltimore, he needed to change his name to Steelerstahl. Or, at least, start the paperwork without completing it, because he's going to just renege on this on Monday amd get back on with his life. Frankly, having shown that his name isn't worth more than a cheap laugh, I don't know why he doesn't just go through with it. or cut to the chase and go to Luke McVotewhore.

Similarly, one of those Gil Thorpian can't avoid reading moments in the sports pages is to read up on the Mayor's Bet, that always tiresome collection of foodstuffs that the tools who rule us rattle off in an oh-so-original bet.

Here's an idea: instead of your quaint regional "food," put some teeth in this bet. Have the loser paint City Hall in the opposing team's colors, and leave it that way for a year. Swap out the use of your spouse or kids. Get a Tyson-esque face tatoo of the opposing team's logo on your neck. In other words, show that you've got a set.

Or, um, better yet? STFU.

To The 48 People Who Care About Chris Kaman Playing For Team Germany

Shouldn't you be more worried about getting your car off the blocks in front of your trailer, whether you'll still be able to afford corn for the moonshine still now that the prices have gone up, or whether Luanne is gonna have the baby?

(Seriously, if Chris Kaman -- Chris Kaman! -- is the difference between gold and failure for the Redeem Team, you all can come shoot tin cans in my backyard. Failing that, um, STFU...)

Update... the US pulled off a 106-57 squeaker against the Huns. Kaman came off the bench to give the Kaiser 6 points, 4 boards, 4 turnovers and 2 personal fouls. Germany is 1-4, and not liable to get a medal of any sort. And the number of people who cared about Kaman playing for the Hessians just dropped to... well, the Kaman Family, I'm thinking. Moving on...

Epic Drop: Top 10 Things That God Values in Tom Brady

Look, let's make this real slow and simple for the mouth breathers... no one, but no one, should want to hear Star Quarterback talking about what God does and doesn't value. We already know that you find yourself to be super neato cool and keen and better than the rest of us non-Immortals; you don't need, and really should not want, to go down the path of giving us the 411 on what the Big Guy values.

His (and by His, I mean the celestial) reasons are his own, Mr. Brady. For all we know, he chose to give you the gifts that he did because He enjoys a tight spiral as a piece of aesthetic beauty. Or that He needed the people who bet on your games last year to suffer or benefit in the exact fashion as it happened. Or that He does value football so much that he just lets it play out as random chance, rather than getting in the tug of prayer war chess match. Given the number of tools that have experienced success at the NFL level, maybe he's just using the outcomes of the games to test our faith, Job style.

The point is that when you presume to speak for the motivations of the divine, you are sending the not-so-subtle message that you could only divine these meanings through your Nearer to God Than Thee intellect and insight.

And if that's the case... why, exactly, have you lost in the playoffs to Eli Manning, Peyton Manning and Jake Plummer?

Someone Remind Him Not To Suck, Too

Kansas City third baseman Mark Teahen stopped a club-record streak of strikeouts on Sunday, failing to whiff for the first time in 23 games, according to The Kansas City Star.

"I heard something about it (Saturday), so I just decided to end it today. Had I known about it, I would have done it earlier," Teahen said.

Teahen leads the team in hitting but has struck out 83 times in 89 games while walking 39.

Teahen's owner in my fantasy league sent that to me, along with the fact that the guy hasn't gone deep since Memorial Day. Someone might want to remind him of that, too...

How Well Do You Know Kobe? Take This Quiz!

Fancy yourself a Kobeologist? Take this quick and easy quiz and find out. We'll give you the quote, you pick the meaning. The winner gets the rights to Smush Parker!

1. "I just felt like as a man, it was important for me to tell him, `I'm sorry it came out that way."

Is it:

(a) An apology to Lakers GM Mitch Kupchak for his loon-like off-season behavior

(b) A recitation of what he said, post rectus coitus, to that girl in Colorado

(c) A "Jules in Pulp Fiction"-esque recitation before murdering Vlad Radmanovic

(d) A recitation of what he said, post rectus coitus, to Jerry Buss

2. "I haven't thought about that in a long, long time. I've kind of stepped away from that."

Here, Kobe is talking about:

(a) sodomy

(b) sodomy

(c) sodomy

(d) getting traded to a place where there might be more chances for sodomy

3. "What I say is what I say."

The thought behind the thought is...

(a) If you need me, I'll be in the woodshed making little shoes.

(b) I'm off my meds.

(c) Aunt Flo has come to town? That don't affect my drive to the hole.

(d) Me and Starbury are *tight*. I'd love to play for the Knicks. We'd get shiny stuff.

4. "We'll just have to see where it goes."

This inescapable truth points to:

(a) I'm still not sure I'm doing this sodomy thing quite right.

(b) Kobe is Just Pawn in Game of Life.

(c) That Zen stuff that Coach Philip says will fuck your mind up, man.

(d) Javaris Crittendon can go play with Andrew Bynum at the goddamn Chuck E Cheese.

5. "I've concentrated on Team USA."

A patriotic burst that really means:

(a) Dammit, there are jerseys to be sold!

(b) I hates me some foreigners.

(c) I want to see if I can say this with a straight face. Don't.... laugh....

(d) I really hates me some foreigners. Hates 'em good.

6. "I was frustrated, I was venting."

Indubitably, but also this:

(a) Aunt Flo really is in town? Damn, that bitch comes around too often.

(b) Why won't Buss return my calls?

(c) I haven't had any in, like, HOURS. The Mamba must be fed.

(d) What else do I have to do to get East?

Top 10 Things Kobe Loves More Than The Lakers

Inspired by the Mamba's own words... Strength and Honor! KOBE UBER ALLES!

10) "Winning"

9) A really nice slice of cantaloupe, served at brunch

8) Non-consensual anal sex (allegedly)

7) Not paying too much for this muffler

6) Cheating on his wife, then paying her off with garish jewelry he buys at the freaking mall

5) A night at the opera, and breakfast the next day

4) Physically abusing foreigners

3) Keeping it real

2) Feuding with the only dominant big man he'll likely ever have a teammate outside of All-Star Games, greasing the skids for his departure, thus ensuring a treadmill run to .500 for the rest of his career as a Laker

1) Um, Kobe. Duh...

Baseball Players Say The Darndest Things

From the Associated Press:

"To tell the truth, I'm not excited to go to Cleveland, but we have to. If I ever saw myself saying I'm excited going to Cleveland, I'd punch myself in the face, because I'm lying."

Ichiro in English means "brutaly honest."

From the Chicago Sun-Times:

Schilling and former Philadelphia Phillies closer Mitch Williams have feuded publicly for years, ever since Schilling covered his head with a towel during Williams' wild-thing act in the 1993 World Series.

So you can imagine Williams' delight on Schilling missing a no-hitter by one out.

''I heard right after he lost it, and I pulled my car over and got the pompons out and was doing all kinds of cheers,'' Williams said during a guest appearance on Philadelphia radio station WIP, which played clips of Stewart's two-out hit in Spanish and English. ''You wouldn't have a French version? I could listen to that in every language. 'I've always said, if there was a big game I had to win, I'd want him to pitch it. Then I'd want to hit him when it was over.''

Bi-lingual delight in another's man failure is a beautiful thing.

Also from the Chicago Sun-Times:

As Curt Schilling was inching his way toward a no-hitter Thursday against the Oakland Athletics, just about everyone at McAfee Coliseum knew he was on the brink of history in the ninth inning. Just about everyone except Boston Red Sox
teammate David Ortiz.

''After the first out in the ninth inning, I looked up at all the zeros [on the scoreboard] and saw a zero under the 'H,' and I said, 'Wait a minute!' And when I looked around, everybody went like this,'' Ortiz, who drove in the only run of the game with a first-inning homer, told reporters as he put a finger to his lips. ''I was like, 'Ohhhhhhhh!''' Schilling lost the no-hit bid on a single by Shannon Stewart with two outs in the ninth.

The Red Sox' Alex Cora was stunned by Ortiz's inattention.

''How many people were in the stadium?'' Cora asked.
''He was the only one not watching the game?''

Really? DH's don't pay attention to the game? When did that happen?

Ray Lewis Wants To Bear Your Child

"I'm sitting right now at an easy 250, 255, but my body fat is crazy right now. I'm the healthiest I've ever been. That's why I don't have no nicks, no real bruises... Where I am right now, it's scary."

We're so happy Ray Ray's happy. Here's some more FTT exclusive footage of his conversation with the Raven beat writers...

Top Ten Reasons Why Blacks Aren't Playing Baseball

Inspired, of course, by the fearless truth to power work of Gary Sheffield...

10. NFL just much more open to brothers being brothers

9. NBA gives blacks more opportunities to elbow foreigners

8. NHL has better and cheaper seat opportunities for friends and family

7. Jesus is ready for a new PGA favorite

6. NASCAR fans are clamoring for more black drivers

5. WWE gives you the chance to hang out with strippers in public without anyone making a big deal about it

4. Bud Selig tries to talk "jive" with black players, causing even more discomfort than usual

3. Arena Ball gives blacks their innermost, yet forbidden, joy -- the opportunity to listen to Jon Bon Jovi

2. Still pissed off about the whole Buck O'Neill thing

1. Barry Bonds

Baseball Players Say The Darndest Things

From the Associated Press:

The day after RHP Kirk Saarloos failed to retire any of the seven batters he faced in Cincinnati's 14-10 loss to Pittsburgh, the Reds optioned him to Triple-A Louisville and recalled LHP Bobby Livingston. "I don't feel like I'm the problem," said Saarloos, 0-4 with a 7.04 ERA.

From the right perspective -- i.e., the hitter -- a 7-run ERA really isn't a problem.

And Managers, too!

AP: Boston Red Sox 1B Kevin Youkilis hit a stand-up, inside-the-park home run Monday, May 28, against the Cleveland Indians. "He runs right out of the batter's box every time," Red Sox manager Terry Francona said. "Sometimes you get rewarded for that, not with a triple but with a home run."

Gosh, what if *everyone* did that? I think I just blew my mind.

Your Sports Round-Up, With A Disturbing Amount of WNBA-Ish News

> A WNBA player was arrested in Jerusalem for assault after punching an opponent in a parking lot after a game.

One more step in the Glorious Road Towards Complete Equality!... but I, for one, won't be able to take the WNBA seriously until someone starts waving some guns around. This parking lot stuff sounds more like something Bob Pettit would do to George Mikan. (FTT's going the extra historical mile today.)

> Curt Schilling, aka Bloggy McBloggermouth, is now putting up one million dollars, with one pinky in his mouth, to say that The Bloody Sock Was Actually His Blood.

Two quick points on the Sock of Turin:

1) Of course it's your blood, you big girl. Cutting yourself, or having a a difficult menses, would get you what you needed to be The Pitching Roy Hobbs.

2) Speaking for the millions of non-Sox non-Yankee MLB fans that the World Wide Lemur barely seems to know exist...

We Don't Care Now.

We Didn't Care Then.

Get Over Yourself.

> Clemens Is Undecided.

Once more with feeling... Sometimes, we wonder what it's like in Roger's World -- a magical place where the planet's 8 billion humans all melt away as colorful background to the Glory That Is Roger. On some level, it's very much like Brett Favre World. (Countdown to the next Retirement Story: 21 Days!)

We're with Smoke Stewart on this one -- Clemens is a money-hungry pussy who costs whatever team hires him by not showing up for the first half of the season. By doing this, he manages to keep the Roid Rumors to a minimum and prevents throwing enough innings to wear down / get hurt / be exposed.

And we will be reading this story for another five years.

> The Sonics want to do Vegas.

Please, someone, just move a team there, so we can stop reading this story every six months. In the last 5 years, we've seen the A's, Sonics, Expos, Twins, Cardinals, Raiders... all go to Sin City.
Someone will eventually, so just be done with it. When we were kids, this was Phoenix and various cities in Florida. Move or Don't. We all have satellites and cable now, and every game ticket costs so much, you're not going to that many games anyway. It doesn't matter that much.

Our favorite part about this story is that news outlets feel compelled to tell us that the Sonics owner also has the Seattle Storm in his possession. OK, Seattle fans... now you've *got* to take this seriously. It's one thing if the Sonics go, but NOT THE STORM!

> Kobe scores 45, Lakers win.

You know, Phil Jackson likes to say that the playoffs don't really begin until the home team loses a game.

Which goes to prove that either:

1) Phil is a fucking idiot

2) Any series that goes seven with the home team winning every game... NEVER REALLY HAPPENED. Cardinals fans -- you need to replay your mid-80s loss to the Twins right now.

I think I just blew my own mind. Strangely unsatisfying, really.

Employee No. 22

"I'm just an employee." That was Mark Prior's response to his demotion to triple A by the Cubs yesterday. I don't know what is worse - his infantile approach to this, or the fact that he thinks he belongs on the Major League club.

Let's review some facts here:

1. You have yet to make it past the 4th inning in any game this spring.

2. Your fast ball has not reached 90 mph yet this spring and there is no movement on it.

3. You were 1-6 with a 7.21 ERA last year and on the DL most of it.

4. You were 5 outs from winning the World Series for the Cubs in 2003 but couldn't deliver.

5. You are never healthy and the Cubs cannot rely on you.

6. You had one great year - 4 years ago. You are 24-23 lifetime in all the other years.

The fact that you think you should be with the team is a joke. This is about your ego and not being able to deliver on it's enormous size. What happened to this quote you threw out a couple years ago:

"It's not about personal achievements or personal wins, it's about winning as a team."

Prior also threw out some witty sarcasm about making the Triple-A All-Star Game "and maybe the Futures Game." Sadly Mark, you have to have a future to make that team.