Jerry Buss Checks His Voicemail

(Machine voice) You have five new messages...

Message 1...

Jerry? This is Kobe. Look, I've been thinking it over, and I've decided that I really do need a trade after all. I know this puts you in a big bind and all, but I really think that the the best thing for the Lakers and myself would be a fresh start somewhere else. Thanks. (BEEP)

Message 2...

Jerry, it's Kobe. Look, forget what I just said in that last message. You know how emotional I get, what with the whole first round exits, and not having any good veteran teammates since you made me fight with Shaq. It's just like Colorado all over again, and I want to say that I really appreciate your support back then, especially when the cops were all over me. You've been like a father to me through thick and thin, and it's just that I care so much about the Lakers, it makes me say these crazy things.

Don't you worry, Pops. I'm a Laker for Life. Late. (BEEP)

Message 3...

Look, old man, if you don't want to do the single courtesy of returning my phone messages, you know what? I do want a fucking trade. Isiah, I'm sure he'd be available to me, no matter what the hour. He told me he loves me -- yeah, that's right, love, you frigid... (BEEP)

Message 4...

I KNOW YOU'RE THERE, JERRY. I know you think this is a big joke, making me get all crazy like this, screening your messages, leaking stories to the press. You think Dwayne Wade has to put up with this shit? You think Tim Duncan can't talk to his coach and owner whenever he wants? Of course, I bet you'd rather have Duncan, wouldn't you? Makes his teammates better, dominates defensively, never talks to the press -- I bet you'd just love having him over me, wouldn't you? ANSWER ME, BITCH! PICK UP THE GODDAMN... (BEEP)

Message 5...

(Weeping) (BEEP)