Tuesday, June 26, 2007

The Giant Urinal Cake Known As Wrigley Field

(Ed. Note: Part of a continuing series where FTT throws dirt on the graves of dead stadiums to show that yes, we are freaking old. Enjoy!)

For those of you who have been following our series on Craphole Stadiums of the past, you might be wondering why we are covering an active stadium. We made a special exemption for Wrigley Field – basically the world’s largest urinal cake. Even the rats stay away from this place.

I’ve been to Wrigley probably 20-30 times over the past 20 years. The funny thing is it doesn’t feel any older each time I go. Probably because 20 years ago it was already 75 years old. I love it when Cubs fans gush about how great this old stadium is, what a treasure they have and how they want to keep it forever. Who are they kidding? You could piss down their backs, tell them it’s raining and they’d believe you. In fact, I think I actually saw that happen in the bleachers once. This thing is a relic that will be replaced as soon as the Tribune Co. sells the Cubs later this year.

The place is literally falling apart and the city almost closed Wrigley for a while a couple years back when concrete chunks of the ceiling started falling. It’s eerie how the stadium is directly tied to the team. Both fall apart when the slightest amount of stress is applied.

The hallways are cramped, the vending areas are few, and if you don’t love sausage/hot dogs/nachos, you are out of luck. And the beer of choice is Old Style. For those of you who haven’t had the pleasure of Old Style, go grab a Bud, Miller Lite or Coors can and put it out in the sun for a week before you drink it. That will give you an idea of the sophisticated tastes Cubs fans have. It’s one thing to be stuck with a craphole stadium, but do you have to drink crappy beer too? And they drink so much of it, they finally added a basket above the outfield walls in the early 70s. This was to keep the drunks from falling onto the field.

Wrigley’s biggest draw is its bleachers. You can go on a weekday day game and find it filled with 20 something unemployed drunks. I couldn’t think of a better representation of a fan with a team than these folks. Tickets now run upwards of $40 for a general admission seat in the bleachers. And that doesn’t guarantee you a seat either as the Cubs sell more tickets than seats for the bleachers each game.

Now I do have to give in a bit and say the bleachers have the hottest chicks in baseball regularly in attendance. But even with a new Cubs stadium they’d still be there. They are really the only good scenery at Wrigley. This photo is a pretty good sample of that talent that is out there.

Other that that, enjoy your crappy beer, your crappy view behind the pole in front of you, the crappy man operated scoreboard, the crappy team on the field and the crappy celebrity led 7th inning stretch that nobody cares about anymore.

Oh, and cut the vines off the outfield wall. This isn’t an Ivy League campus.


Anonymous said...

Another Wrigley Bonus is that since the hot babes root for the Cubs, they are also usually drunk and hate themselves. Especially helpful if you want to go South Side.

Anonymous said...

wowwww this article fucking sucks.

Anonymous said...

The guy who wrote this article was probably dropped kicked by a Cubs fan and most likely is a little bitch.

Anonymous said...

The guy who wrote this is obviously a nerdy little bitch who doesnt want anyone seeing his little dick while he pee's. Fuck you ass hole go back to the southside.

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