FTT Gets Whacked

"Shooter, close the door and sit down. We need to talk."

"Um, OK. Say, who the hell are you?"

"Watch your tone, punk. You're in enough trouble as it is."

"Um, OK..."

"My name isn't important. My position is. I am the Sports Blog Ombudsman for Google, who owns Blogspot, Gawker Media, all dot com activity and the code of your DNA. Speaking of which, keep an eye on that colon of yours. It's not going to end well."

(Blinks stupidly)

"That's better. OK, the reason why I've called you in today is that you're showing a huge drop in cultural relevance."

"What? FTT's traffic keeps going up. We keep adding team members. We get comments now and everything. It's not like the old days."

"Shooter, we both know that's because you keep putting words like titty, shaved anal and Tinkerbell Hatefuck in your copy. You think you're the first sports blogger to think of such things? Though I have to admit, Kathy Bates in a hot tub did get my attention."

"Thank you, sir."

"Not at all. We at Google want you to succeed. We see at least three and a half more years of viability from you, before the colon problem compromises your usefulness."

(Subconsciously touches ass, winces)

"Anyway, independent of your traffic tricks, there's your lack of cultural relevance. Specifically, The Sopranos problem."

"I don't understand, sir."

"No, of course you don't. Shooter, don't you ever *read* the policy memos we send you from Google HQ?"

"I don't think I've gotten those memos, sir."

"I know too much about every man, woman and child living on this planet for you to lie to me, Shooter. You've been deleting them. That's why I'm here."

(hangs head)

"If you'd *read* the emails, Shooter, you would have known that you've got a big Sopranos problem. Where, for the love of God, is the post with the tortured analogies for the NBA Finals with David Chase's epic masterpiece? When are you going to get with the program and make a knowing allusion to something that happened in the series finale, all while repeating the phrase 'Spoiler Alert'? You haven't even dealt with the damage to pro hoops ratings -- you keep telling us that it has something to do with the Spurs being boring, or the games not competitive."

(awkward silence)

"Are you *trying* to make us angry, Shooter?"

(longer silence)

"I'm waiting, Shooter."

"It's just that...."

"YES?"

"I don't have premium cable. Sir."

"Like I didn't know that? Shooter, when you had HBO, you didn't watch 'The Sopranos.' But you were big on 'Sex and the City.' Very manly."

(begins weeping)

"Pull yourself together. I'm not here to kill you. The cancer's already doing that."

"Cancer?"

"Did I say that? What a silly thing to say."

"Permission to speak freely, sir?"

"Knock yourself out, Champ. We're pretty much beyond the talking stage now, anyway."

"Um... it's basically a mob soap opera, right? Since when did soap operas, even the ones that appeal to guys, have anything to do with sports? Shouldn't people who are reading sports blogs be able to, you know, read about sports?"

"Getting a little ranty here, are we."

"Well, sir, yes! If I wanted to hear about the Sopranos, I'm pretty sure I could find sites that tell me about them -- lots of them! Since when did people who are writing about sports decide that grabbing themselves with both hands and thinking of James Gandolfini was useful to people who want to read about sports?"

"You don't agree with the policy."

"No, sir, I think it's pointless! I think that tossing in references to TV shows and trustafarian celebrities and your tastes in music is all just a way to avoid, you know, coming up with an original thought or observation about the thing we are supposed to be writing about."

"Really."

"It's just another way for aging sports writers to think they're hip and with it. What's next, writing their entries as gangsta rap, or framing the entire piece as a reality show? I realize that we're entering the slow season for sports blogging, but we've got to be better than that."

"So referencing the Sporanos is hack writing, but stealing from Mark Jackson is fine."

"At least Jackson has something -- ANYTHING -- to do with sports. Unlike Fat Tony and Paulie Walnuts and Dr. Melfi and I'VE NEVER WATCHED THE GODDAMN SHOW AND I STILL KNOW ALL THEIR NAMES! GODDAMN IT!"

"That's the download kicking in. Don't fight it."

"What?"

"You think we would rely on email to get the message to you, Shooter? You think that you had any chance to avoid this? You really thought that measures would not be taken?"

"My head... Jesus... it hurts..."

"It will. Now get out of my office, you mook."