Paying For It

Upon learning that the ratings for the NHL Finals were the lowest in 12 years, we were reminded of a Bill Simmons point (yes, he occasionally makes one).

He asked the reader what you would rather have: a WNBA championship for your city, or five bucks.

Leaving us with the realization that we probably would not go much higher for an an NHL championship for our old home town (Philadelphia).

And that, well, there's just an awful lot that we *would* be happy to pay for. Post your own in the comments.

$10 to put Tony Kornheiser in a cage with Joey Porter's dogs. (We'd have gone with Mike Vick here, but that's just too easy.)

$20 for the Philadelphia Flyers to win the Stanley Cup.It would basically be a gift to a few friends. (We'd make it $10, but it's tacky to spend that little on a gift.)

$30 for the keys to the MaddenCruiser, just so I could drive off as he's trying to get in. "I'm waiting here, and BOOM!, now my fat ass is hitchhiking. Seriously, someone kill that guy."

On second thought, let's forget we said anything here.

$40 for Joe Buck to get caught in a Marv Albert style sex scandal, just to make the constant "disgusting" joke such a winner for everyone.

$60 for Barry Bonds to not break the home run record.

$70 if he winds up one home run short.

$80 for Bonds to not break the record because, for a week's worth of games where he is one home run away, every MLB pitcher walks him at every plate appearance.

$90 if, instead of walking him, they just throw at his HGH-infested head.

$100 for the Phillies to win the World Series. This would be a bigger gift to a bigger group of friends.

Also, riots are always fun, from a distance.

$125 for Terrell Owens to go out like Irvin - on a stretcher, in Philadelphia, as the hometown fans satisfy their bloodlust in a way that nauseates their social bettters.

We'll make it $150 if Brian Dawkins has the hit that does it, and he celebrates like a rabid wolverine. (Little known fact: wolverines are required by cliche law to be rabid.)

$150 for an exciting NBA Finals -- you know, one where the teams are withing 10 points of each other for the majority of the game, where there was some semblance of doubt as to which team would win, and where both coaching staffs could be trusted to find their own ass without the use of both hands and a map.

$200 for the Sixers to win the NBA Finals. We'd go higher, but the world ending would probably make it hard to get to the ATM.

$250 for the A's to win the World Series. For old times sake, to see Athletics Nation go apeshit, and just because I admire the way they run things.

Also, because it would get Bay Area media to stop talking about Bonds and the Giants for a good hour.

OK, half an hour.

$300 for FTT Commenter Dirty Davey's Dream Season: The Cowboys and Redskins each go 1-15, with their only win being on the other team's turf, so that their fans have winless seasons. If and when this happens, we are utterly certain that both teams would make Incredible Off-Season Free Agent Signings that will guarantee their future dominance over the division. Just like, you know, the last 5 years.

I realize that the Dream Season is a lot of money, but after I buy this for him, I think he'll be doing yard work at my house for several years in gratitude.

The fact that he lives 500 miles away from me would not deter him.

$500 for FTT to be embroiled in a pissing match with some broadcast media type with thin skin and the ability to swamp us with traffic that delights in their discomfort.

Come on, Howard Eskin -- we called you a chancre. What's it going to take?

Joe Buck, are you going to take those rumors that you were a wig and ask prostitutes to bite you lying down?

Bill Walton, I've got so much to give. It would be a shame to waste.

(I know you're expecting a Simmons joke here, but he'd never deign to sully his hands on a mere sports blogger. Haven't you heard we're beneath His Sports Guyness?)

Come on, boys. A fast $500 to the first one that makes us (even more) famous. Step right up, step right up...

$1000 for the Eagles to win the Super Bowl. My mom was a teenager the last time this happened. Besides, she's tough to shop for.

Also, I suspect that once this happened, Andy Reid could devote more time to his family, which could cut down on the region's police and prison costs. So it would be a win-win for all concerned.