Epic Drop: Top 10 Things That God Values in Tom Brady

Look, let's make this real slow and simple for the mouth breathers... no one, but no one, should want to hear Star Quarterback talking about what God does and doesn't value. We already know that you find yourself to be super neato cool and keen and better than the rest of us non-Immortals; you don't need, and really should not want, to go down the path of giving us the 411 on what the Big Guy values.

His (and by His, I mean the celestial) reasons are his own, Mr. Brady. For all we know, he chose to give you the gifts that he did because He enjoys a tight spiral as a piece of aesthetic beauty. Or that He needed the people who bet on your games last year to suffer or benefit in the exact fashion as it happened. Or that He does value football so much that he just lets it play out as random chance, rather than getting in the tug of prayer war chess match. Given the number of tools that have experienced success at the NFL level, maybe he's just using the outcomes of the games to test our faith, Job style.

The point is that when you presume to speak for the motivations of the divine, you are sending the not-so-subtle message that you could only divine these meanings through your Nearer to God Than Thee intellect and insight.

And if that's the case... why, exactly, have you lost in the playoffs to Eli Manning, Peyton Manning and Jake Plummer?