I'M FULL OF GOOD IDEAS

by Tracer Bullet, Staff Writer

I'm probably just being a prick, but I really can't stand the NFL Hall of Fame Induction Ceremony.

Make no mistake, I love all things pigskin-related and the Induction Ceremony is kind of the first event of the new season, so it is a good thing. But while I enjoy seeing old clips and hearing the speeches, I really don't need Chris Berman's Foghorn Leghorn act or Adam Schefter's oily charm to provide perspective.

Likewise, why the hell is there a studio team there to comment on the thing? It's old men giving speeches. That's the whole thing. NFLN could have save about $3 million if they'd just hired me.

It might be different if anybody ever had anything interesting to say. Steve Mariucci would struggle to find fault with Stalin, let alone dare to suggest that each inductee could possibly be something other than the greatest football player who ever drew breath, the finest patriot since Captain America and a combination of the best qualities of Ghandi, Martin Luther King Jr. and Seka.

I am sick and damn tired of all the Hall of Famers pretending to be the damned Brady Bunch. I realize that these guys were all great players (yes, I suppose we have to say this of Art Monk, too) but some of them hate each other and they've hated each other for decades. You can't get some tape of a curmudgeon like Chuck Bednarik saying foul things about Michael Irvin? What the hell is that huge production team good for then?

Nope, I want a bit of edge injected into the proceedings. I want someone to serve as Designated Bastard who'll say bad things about the inductees. I don't even care if he says anything fair or even accurate, so long as he's not boring. Lucky for you, I'm just the man for the job.

Fred Dean -- I always get you confused with Fred Dryer. Which means two things 1) you're career wasn't all that memorable and 2) I'd rather watch "Hunter" than watch you play football.

Darrell Green -- Playing 20 years at CB in the NFL is very impressive. But lots of guys work hard jobs for a really long time to make their child support payments too and nobody has built a Hall of Fame for them.

Art Monk -- A Hall of Famer because somebody in the selection meeting stood up and said, "Look, nobody wants this guy except those idiots from Washington and they'll keep ranting and screaming until we finally break down and let him in. So we can spend four hours debating this every year for the next 15 years, or we can just let him in now and go to lunch."

Emmitt Thomas -- Are you kidding? A 1-2 record as interim coach for on of the worst teams in modern history is hardly worthy of the Hall of Fame. Madden probably didn't deserve to go in as a coach either but at least he won a Super Bowl. Thomas has one more win as a head coach than I do and I spent the entire 2007 season on my couch and furthermore . . . What? One of the best CBs of his era? Feh. Dan Pastorini, Archie Manning and Dennis Shaw were starting quarterbacks during Thomas' career -- how hard could it have been?

Andre Tippett -- An integral member of the Patriots 1985-86 Super Bowl team -- the team that allowed the Bears to roll up 46 points in what was the most lopsided Super Bowl loss up to that point. Hey, Steve Grogan and Tony Eason were integral members of that team too and nobody is fitting them for an ugly sport coat stolen from a Century 21 office in Van Nuys. Nobody with the taint of that loss deserves to be in the HOF. Though I do think his 1971 record "Black Moses" is a masterpiece.

Gary Zimmerman -- Broncos partisans are convinced their team is underrepresented in the Hall, so maybe this will silence their incessant whining for a few years. In truth, unattractive white men with terrible moustaches really are underrepresented and his induction will help alleviate a big backlog.