Way To Go, Marvin

Oh, this is just too funny... four months after getting religion, drafting wideouts early, and having last straws pulled, guess who's come crawling back to wayward wideout Chris Henry?

Why, it's the Cincinnati Enablers, er, Bengals, fresh off injuries to their big two of TJ Houshmanzadimjiad and Ocho "Poor Man's Terrell Owens" Stinko. What's the over-under on Henry's next arrest following his celebration on rejoining the team? (I'm thinking... Friday. But it's always hard to judge how Vegas is going to go on prop bets.)

I'd like to take a small moment here to thank the Bengals for making the life of the sports blogosphere easier. Our hordes will soon be cranking up tons of "Brokeback Mountain" style "I can't quit yew!" Photoshops of both men. Me, I was going to go for a more film noir treatment, with Henry as the Barbara Stanwyck-style femme fatale, but that's why this is a relentless unpopular blog. Henry just doesn't have the hips to pull it off, sadly, though Lewis as a doughy patsy pantload is just dead on. Anyway...

When Marvin Lewis has his obituary written on his Bengal Bungling -- and feel free to start on that now, and avoid the Thanksgiving rush -- Henry's fingerprints will be all over it. (Don't worry, he knows the procedure.)

What's telling here is that in the four months that Henry has been loose (on the streets! hide the kids!), no other team has swooped in to take the talented and troubled playmaker away. The reasons why are simple: in addition to being Locker Room Poison and an Active Embarrassment, he's also just not that good. As a #3, he can make plays; ask him to do more than that, and it won't happen. He'll also block about as well as he gives back to the community.

Here's how good Henry isn't... you'd think that the Bengals' division rivals would have stowed him on a practice squad, just to make sure he couldn't come back and haunt them again. But no. As a matter of fact, no team -- not even the Raiders, who would seem required by law to show interest -- wanted him. The Browns, Ravens and Steelers *want* him back on the Queen City Convicts. It does foster a certain air of, you know, Not Winning.

This, despite Henry's public statements that he'd like to play for the Saints or Cowboys. Jerry Jones may be batshit loco, but he's not that batshit loco. As for the Saints, that team knows disasters when they see them, and felt no need to import. (What, too soon?)

Oh, and BTW... Henry doesn't even help them for the first month of the season, which is when you'd really need the guy with the injuries... because he's been suspended Yet Again.

And just to add to the (Very) High Comedy, here's the money quote from Starvin' Marvin, just a few short weeks ago, when someone asked him if the Bengals would sully themselves with First and Ten To Life...

"I'm not interested in bringing him back. I don't think (it would be) productive for our football team. You have to be a productive part to be an NFL player, and there's responsibilities to being an NFL player. It's a privilege. It's not a right. There's a lot that comes with being an NFL football player."

One wonders just what the responsibilities to being an NFL football coach are... and just how much longer Lewis will know them. Buy your tickets now, Bengal Fans!