Masstermind Round-Up: The Day After

I've been up all night, Nation, trying to figure out how We lost that game. Here's the best that I can come up with.

Coach Belichick made us lose. On purpose. Because He's A Genius.

Hear me out on this, my fellow so close to Perfectriots. (Luckily, I still have patent on that, and I think my bid for the URL is going to be accepted now. It will all pay off in the long run.)

Coach knew that no matter what, this year was going to be defined by Spygate. He also knew that if the team finished off the 19-0 year, he'd have no way to motivate them next year, and Coach is all about planning for the future. Finally, he had to teach all of us -- the Patriot Nation -- a bitter, bitter lesson. We were not worthy.

And by We, of course, I mostly mean You.

We didn't do enough. We weren't big enough homers. We didn't embrace the non-darkies on the team enough. We allowed ESPN to occasionally cover other teams in the league. We didn't have Gregg Easterbrook killed -- something that I'm certain most other fanbases would have also supported. When the Patriots were running up the score earlier in the year like the biggest heel wrestlers ever, we didn't enjoy it enough. Some part of Us wondered if we weren't just being, you know, irredeemable assholes that the rest of the world would delight in our defeat. We were weak.

Well, no more. Now, with this resolve-testing loss on all of our heads, we'll be.... we'll be.... we'll be....

WWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I CAN'T DO IT! I CAN'T DO IT! THE PATRIOTS LOST! TO THE FREAKING GIANTS! WWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SOMEBODY HOLD ME! I'M SO COLD AND LONELY AND SAD AND NO ONE WILL EVER LOVE ME AGAIN AND I'M GOING TO DIE COLD AND ALONE AND UNLOVED WITHOUT THE PATRIOTS EVER EVER EVER EVER GOING 19-0 AND WINNING EVERY GAME AND COVERING EVERY SPREAD! IT'S BEEN YEARS, YES, PLURAL, YEARS SINCE THE PATRIOTS WON THE CHAMPIONSHIP AND ALL WE HAVE NOW IS OUR DEFENDING CHAMPION BASEBALL TEAM AND OUR CONTENDING CHAMPION BASKETBALL TEAM AND OUR LOADED 18-1 FOOTBALL TEAM THAT HAS THE 7TH PICK IN THE DRAFT AND ALL OF IT IS MEANINGLESS BECAUSE THE PATRIOTS LOST! TO THE FREAKING GIANTS! WWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(breaths, gulps, repeats)

I'm OK. Just, um, got a little emotional there. That's OK, right? It doesn't make me less of a professional in Coach's eyes, does it? It's OK, we'll just take it out in the edit. Like the final game of the DVD of the season. Though that pre-game show where Terry Bradshaw went down on Brady was kind of awesome. I mean, we would have all done it, but it was nice of Brady to let an old bald guy have a turn, too.

So, anyway. Coach made us lose to make sure we'd be better next year, just as he made us lose Deion Branch so that he could get Randy Moss, just as all of the other Patriot championships are completely valid 3-point domination wins, and this is a completely invalid 3-point fluke loss.

I feel better now. Now, if you don't mind, I'm off to take a week-long bubble bath, and drink myself to poisoning levels on five different kinds of schnapps. Oh, schnapps. You're always perfect. You'll never fail me...