Meet The Super Bowl's Biggest Idiot

I feel great joy for them because I know in a lot of ways I helped a lot of guys on that team. I know Brandon (Jacobs) was someone who benefited from me being there; even criticizing someone is a way of getting them to think about themselves. -- Tiki Barber, on his reaction to the Giants winning

No, seriously.

Coming up next in the Greatest Sports Shadenfraude Story Ever Told... Tiki is fired from his vital omelette-making and NFL chuckle-dick work, then loses all of his other assets in divorce and child support payments. Turning to the public for help, he's pelted with rocks and garbage, then turns to drugs and the bottle.

Two years later, he's beaten to death in a bum fight with fellow hobo Jeremy Shockey. The team, after many months of consideration, puts a split number memorial on their jerseys, but pulls them off after the subsequent four-game losing streak. Giants Fan refuses to admit that he ever owned the jersey of either of them. Three years after that, his life story is depicted in a slapstick comedy starring Chris Tucker and Dane Cook, which furthers the legend of Football's Biggest Loser Ever by bombing. Ronde renounces his twinship, gets busted on a child predator hidden camera show, and dies in prison. "Pulling a Tiki" becomes cultural shorthand for any boneheaded and completely disastrous decision, and male haircutters all over the world refuse to identify themslves as "Barbers" anymore.

After that, it gets bad.