Top Eight Untried Dunk Ideas

(Why 8 and not 10? Cause when I don't give 10 to the Carnival, Scrap beats me with his bad hand, the one with the scars. He's a mean, mean, mean pimp.)

Dwight Howard won the dunk contest tonight shortly after donning a Superman cape. In the post-event interview, the talking head asked him if he'd defend his title, and the Orlando man-child greased his exit by saying that he didn't think he'd have any more dunks to do. (Instead of the real answer, that he's going to be be too big of a star to do this nonsense again.)

Now, I'm fine with Howard if he just doesn't want to do this anymore. That's fine. But that there is no more dunks to do? Please. You are 6'-10" and can jump through the ceiling. Try any of these, if you are feeling blocked.

1) Break the ball. Breaking the backboard is old hat. How about bursting the ball as you throw it down?

2) Shoe Fu. Anybody in the NBA can dunk in sneakers. But can you dunk in heels? Fabulous!

3) Electric Boogaloo. If you can do the Worm or a 360 head spin on your way to the rim, I think that's got to wow the judges. Pop and lock, Big Man, pop and lock!

4) The OG. In this one, the dunker pours a 40 at the half court ground for the dunkers that ain't around, then throws down a one-hand dunk while downing a shot. It might not win you the contest, but it's going to do wonders for your jersey sales.

5) Crazy Ass Dunk. Throw down while wearing a straight jacket by cradling the ball between your neck and chest. You won't just fly over the cuckoo's nest, you'll also serve it a facial!

6) Fab Five. A natural tie-in with the current cell phone marketing. Just video yourself in your off hand with a cell phone. If you can upload it to YouTube before your next dunk, you win an endorsement deal from your ISP.

7) The Euro. On this one, the dunker smokes a clove cigarette while chatting up women in the first row, and looks annoyed to be disturbed before throwing down. The actual dunk is soft, but wildly overrated by NBA experts.

8) D-League Tribute. Here, the dunker turns off the television cameras and lights, and throws down for a mostly theoretical audience. It's in there like swimwear, ready like spaghetti, and my transparent opportunity to give Too Much Rod Benson some love.