Thursday, February 28, 2008

Cubs Fans Are A Bunch Of ….


Well, I think you can figure out the ending to that title. One of the nice things about living in Chicago as a Cardinals fan is watching the pure misery that is Cubs fan. But sometimes it’s less comical and extremely annoying. Examples include “Wait til next year.” For what? Another crappy team? Or “The Cubs are cursed.” I don’t believe in curses, just stupid people who talk about them. But what I’ve determined to be the most annoying thing about Cubs fans is this. They care more about the field where they play than they do about the team itself.

Which brings me to the latest “fall on the ground and kick and scream like a little girl” moment from Cubs nation. The possibility that the naming rights to Wrigley Field might be sold this season. Heaven forbid you call Wrigley Field anything other than that. I think they should go for a descriptive name like “Old Urinal Cake Excuse For A Ballpark Where College Kids Will Ultimately Get Drunk And Puke Next To You Field While Paying $50 For A Bleacher Seat Field.”

Instead of pointing out to Cubs fans why this is a non-topic and nothing to get excited about, I’d like to propose 4 companies the Cubs should target for naming rights. Let the voting begin!

Viagra Field – it’s about time the Cubs had something to get excited about. Nothing pumps up Cubs fan like Viagra Field. Promotional giveaway night – hookers in right field (which would only be different from any other game because they moved them from left field).

Nati Light Field – Old Style doesn’t have the coin to pay $25 million for twenty years, so AB steps to the plate with a beer that is fitting of Wrigley – smells like piss and leaves a bad taste in your mouth when you’re done. Promotional tie in - Larry Eustacy sings Take Me Out to the Ballgame with Mizzou coeds.

Preparation H Field – If you’re going to a ballpark that feels like a giant hemorrhoid, you might as well name the cure after it. Promotional tie in – Cubs Wallet Schedule. Being a Cubs fan is like having hemorrhoids. You don’t want anybody to know and it hurts like hell. So hide that schedule in your wallet so nobody knows.

Drinkin’ Mate Field – Not sure if these guys can come up with the cash for this, but they are a perfect tie in. Going out for a night of heavy drinking? Take Drinkin’ Mate before you start drinking to ward off any potential hangover. Potential tie in – 2 tickets for every fan to a White Sox game. Prevent that Cubs hangover by going to see a team that has actually won a World Series in the past 100 years.

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