Super Bowl Commercial Notes

McDonalds thinks I will eat more of their "food" if I know they are charitable. How about I just give money to charity, and avoid the obesity?

Aikman shows off his rings, and tells us that it's what the NFL is all about. Here I was thinking it was violence. Is this really the one game that no one forgets? Perhaps, but then there was that Ravens-Giants game... who won it again?

Ford swings a truck around with a centrifuge, and tells us not to try this at home. Well, hell, I've got the centrifuge all lined up... and I'm not supposed to use it?

Bud Light lets you breath fire. Funny, for me, it's usually another orifice...

Ah, a Godfather joke that is supposed to make me want to buy an Audi. Um, creepy and wrong. Yuck. Thanks for the $2.2 million!

Diet Pepsi Max makes us all dance like douchebags. Gimme some!

SalesGenie spends 2.2 million on ad time, but can't afford live actors. Lame!

GoDaddy thinks everyone will leave the SB to see Danica Patrick's tits. They may be right. This game's been dullsville. Same for the ads.

Tide thinks a talking stain will sell products. It's in the wrong place, really.

Using CareerBuilder could make your heart leap out of your chest. Drinking Sobe Life Water causes you to dance with disturbing lizards, while rehabilitating Michael Jackson.

Owning the Yukon Hybird from GMC will make you feel like Sisyphus. Carlos Mencia is not funny, which is why you should drink Bud Light.

Planters makes frighteningly ugly women attractive. Pepsi causes Justin Timberlake to feel pain. Doritos attracts huge vermin. I got to say... I'm drinking a Pepsi product right now. The others are getting a miss.

Cars.com likes to have salesmen get hurt, preferably permanently. SalesGenie enjoys giving pandas wildly insulting Chinese accents. Vitamin Water makes you so delusional, you think 350-pound NBA players can be jockeys. I'm sure that was all worth $6.6 million.

Bridgestone Tires fail to kill Richard Simmons -- and I'm still supposed to buy them? Career Builder ups the ante from heart ripping out to animated douchebaggery. Once again, I find myself unmoved towards purchase.

Coca-Cola is desired by large balloons, and makes partisan douchebags get all chummy, because the differences between political parties is nothing compared to the desire to just get along. Yay, we're staying in Iraq 4 Ever! Have a Coke!

The future of Under Armour... looks all kinds of roided up, really. Isn't that the present? Bud Light, at the three hour mark, gets the first quasi smirk from me, with Will Ferrell saying "Bud Light. Suck one." Congrats, advertisers of the world -- it only took most of the game!

Victoria's Secret, with two minutes left, reminds us that sex exists. Amp energry drink makes us look at a fat man putting jumper cables on his nipples. Ben Rothlisberger will whore himself out to American Idol. Yay, Ben! Your participation will finally make the show popular!