They are not who we thought they were

A few percolated thoughts in the Super Aftermath, since it's the only football we can talk about for the next six months, and that game really had more to it than a day of discussion...

> Despite the loss, I respect the Cardinals a lot more today than I did before the game began. Against both Philadelphia and Pittsburgh, they recovered from periods of strong offensive futility, against fresh, talented and well-coached defenses, to put together long drives that they absolutely needed. Once in the clutch against Philly could be a fluke, and twice in the second quarter against Pittsburgh could have been a coincidence. Coming back again with little working for them in the fourth quarter is a definite trend. Many teams would have assumed the fetal position in all of these moments; instead, they came back and played better.

> Despite the abysmal next-year record of the Super Loser, there's no reason to think that, absent a Warner retirement or injury (admittedly, both shaky big bets), they can't get back here again next year. There division will be a little harder, but it's still going to be a cakewalk, and every other team that you can expect to be there has a much harder road to the finals. I could easily see the Cards taking the position of the Rams, in that they'll run out to an easy division lead and have to be dealt with in the Final 8.

> They have a simply great home field edge now with the Pink Taco, especially when it's domed. Cardinal Fan will exist now, and since they are young and mostly unblemished, they'll cheer like a college town. This is going to be a very bad place to play.

> If Larry Fitzgerald reworks his contract to let Anquan Boldin stick around, they will remain dominant at the WR position, with a QB that knows how to lead a WR and routinely throws for 4,000 yards a year when he stays upright.

> They'll also be better at tight end, since they'll get healthy and/or figure out the Steve Spach / Ben Patrick / Leonard Pope thing.

> The defense has some real playmakers. They overcame a lot of dumb penalties to get some key stops, scored a safety, and got some turnovers and QB pressure. They stuffed the Steelers running game and made Pittsburgh sweat bullets to move the ball. They are basically a good cover corner away from being dangerous, and maybe that corner is just Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie with a year of experience, though I'd still like some better nickel backs, and a better safety opposite Adrian Wilson.

If you are making a list of teams to win the NFC next year, I think they have to be near the top of the list. And before this playoff season started, I was thinking they were lower than .500, and probably looking up at Seattle or San Francisco.

As for Pittsburgh...

> They had a (much) harder schedule in the regular season than the post. Their post-season consisted of a Charger team without a bye, a Ravens team that had its last week off in Week 2, and the Cards. Run that against the NFC East and the rest of the hardest schedule in the NFL this year; it's no contest.

> They still need help on the offensive line, and probably have to reload at wideout, because you can't expect Hines Ward to be healthy. Limas Sweed and Nate Washington are good, but they aren't anything like Ward.

> As for Santonio Holmes, um, wow. I thought he was a breakout candidate this year, and he more or less killed his fantasy owners, mostly because Ben spent most of the first half of the season running for his life. But with Ward fading, he stepped it up in a performance that kicked Lynn Swann to the curb. He was open, literally, all day.

> They'll face more opposition from the state of Ohio next year, and Joe Flacco will be a year older, and, presumably, better. (Admittedly, Baltimore might take a step back without Ray Lewis... but they also might take a step forward. Ray's a leader and all, but he's also pretty damned spent.)

> Assuming Ben stays upright, they've got more than a chance, and the fact that the guy has two rings in his first four years in the league tells you all you need to know about his ceiling.

For a league that seemed utterly random for most of the year, I think 2009 will be a little more sane. But I also think it's damn near impossible to repeat in this random crapshoot of a league.

Which means... Detroit's going to win it all next year. Get your bets in now!

Top 10 inappropriate Super Bowl questions

10. (To Tony Dungy on the NBC set At halftime) "The Cards have just suffered a hideous and devastating tragedy on the final play before halftime. How do they get over that?"

9. (To Kurt Warner) "How much does winning the Walter Payton award mean to you right now?"

8. (To Larry Fitzgerald Sr.) "Do you even know the names of your other kids anymore?"

7. (To Charlie Batch) "Was getting your second ring sweeter than your first?"

6. (To Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie) "So, all in all, how would you rate your rookie year?"

5. (To Mike Tomlin) "When Ken Whisenhunt was making all of those correct challenges and getting his team to come back from the biggest deficit in Super Bowl history, how tight was your anus?"

4. (To Justin Hartwig) "If the safety had been a critical part of a loss, how would you have had the ref killed?"

3. (To Ben Roethlisberger) "Since your wide receivers keep winning the MVP in your Super Bowl wins, aren't you more or less a glorified game manager?"

2. (To Edge James) "Was playing in the Super Bowl everything you hoped it would be?"

1. (Once more to Warner) "Why is Troy Polamalu's god better than yours?"

Payoff

My NFL fandom is conflicted.

Part of this is because my team has never won in my lifetime, but I like to think that it's more about the fact that there's something just a little bit disconcerting by being attracted to this much violence. Baseball and basketball rarely, if ever, have the same moments of red meat, and there's something wrong with a sport where guys are crippled in their '40s. It also, of course, doesn't help that the overwhelming majority of NFL commentary is breathtakingly stupid, and that way too many NFL fans are people you wouldn't want in your home.

And then there's a game like tonight's... where the Steelers nearly gave up the biggest comeback in NFL history, only to come back with a game-winning drive of their own, and a catch for the ages from game MVP Santonio Holmes.

What started out as an old-school stomp, with the game only close because of the Steelers settling for two chip-shot field goals... well, hold on for a second. If you're a Red fan, you're seeing a 14 point swing on the ultimate disaster TAInt by James Harrison on Kurt Warner in the final play of the first half, with the added torture of how close Harrison was to going down or out of bounds to limit the damage to just the assumed score.

Both teams had huge beef with the refs, too. A borderline holding call cost the Steelers a safety late. Red had triple figures in flags, with holding penalties on offense stopping them more than the Steeler defense. Both teams also had huge goats, with Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie getting owned by Holmes all night, and the Steeler secondary, especially Ike Taylor and Troy Polamalu, playing poorly late.

Congratulations go to the Steelers, of course, and I suspect that Cardinals Fan really isn't that bent out of shape, given the scope of the comeback (and the fact that they covered). In an era of fantastic Super Bowls, it might have been the best, at least in terms of a finish.

And, really, congratulations go out to anyone who watches football, because you won tonight. Big.

The Super Bowl Live Blog

Come on in and join the, um, fun. Yes, that's it, fun.

Super Live Blog

For all of you who care (ha!), I'll be doing the live blog thing for tonight's game and adwank. See you there then, or more likely, not.

Top 10 absolutely true facts about this year's Super Bowl

Are you well and truly prepared for the Super Bowl? Not until you know these following facts.

10) Before he was born again, Kurt Warner was born

9) Larry Fitzgerald's mother is a sex advice columnist, and his sister is a crack whore

8) When Troy Polamalu wakes up in the morning, his hair is straight and neatly combed

7) Fast Willie Parker got his nickname from his first through fifth girlfriends

6) When he was in Indianapolis, Edge James dreamed of losing in the Super Bowl

5) Off the field, Neil Rackers is constantly lobbying to be more involved in the offense, like he was under Dennis Green

4) Limas Sweed's teammates have been making security blanket jokes for six months now

3) Ever since Najeh Davenport was let go, the job hasn't been as exciting for the Steeler equipment managers

2) In many places, you can bet on crazy things like which team will win the game, and by how much

1) If the Steelers win, it will mean that Charlie Batch has two more Super Bowl rings than Dan Marino, Donovan McNabb, Jim Kelly, Fran Tarkenton, Steve McNair and Kenny Anderson combined

NFL Picks, Super Bowl: Old School

No pussy-footing around this time, kids. Here's your FREE NFL Pick.

PITTSBURGH (-6.5) at Arizona

For the past two weeks, people have been trying to invent reasons to be scared, very scared, of the Arizona Football Cardinals. These reasons include:

1) Any of the following Kurt Warner attributes: his playoff record, his Obama-esque puppy bet with his kids, his comeback God, and his ability to get rid of the ball quick against the blitz

2) The Steelers defense being 21st in the NFL in 2-minute drills, which is more or less what the entire Cardinals offense resembles

3) Arizona being #1 in fumble recoveries, and Big Ben and Fast Willie's tendency to put the ball on the ground

4) The uncertain status of primary WR target, gadfly and relentless chains mover Hines Ward

5) Pittsburgh mostly awful coverage units (29th against kickoffs, 31st against punts)

6) Arizona's a Team Of Destiny, and if you simply ignore the bad month of their season, they are actually a lot better than their numbers and record might indicate

7) Pittsburgh has an above-average number of drops from the receivers, which is part of that whole "offense isn't as good as it should be" thing

8) The NFL, and indeed the entire world, has been topsy-turvey cah-way-zee this year (were you aware that a black man is now the President?)

9) and last but not least, the fact that I like the Steelers.

Let's refute each factor in turn.

1) Cap'n Jebus is good at getting rid of the ball fast against a blitz... but that assumes the hot reads are open, and he can see where the blitz is coming from. Neither of these things tend to be true against the Steelers, which is why they were far and away the best defense in the NFL this year. (Also, the puppy was for *getting* to the Super Bowl. Not winning it. Bad move, Kurt.)

2) Being 21st in 2-minute defense is about the only bad stat you can find for this team. What it really means is that they aren't very good at prevent, but if you are playing prevent, you're generally winning the damn game. So, um, not too much to be scared of there.

3) Fumble recoveries are luck. Betting on luck can work, but isn't recommended.

4) Ward practiced today, and will play. If there had been no bye week, this would have helped the Cardinals immensely; you don't play Baltimore without getting very beat up.

5) Yes, indeed, but the Steelers have actually been, with the exception of a Darren Sproles long gainer, reasonably good on special teams in their two playoff games. It's a concern, but not an overwhelming one, and while Steve Breaston is a good football player, he's no Sproles in the open field.

6) Ignoring the bad month still leaves you with a team that can't run the ball, has serious coverage issues in the secondary, and struggles on defense if they don't get big play turnovers. Against a patient Steeler attack that will want to run the ball, it's not very likely.

7) Yes, sure, but Pittsburgh has been better at protecting the quarterback recently, which means Heath Miller has become a factor in the passing game. If you are looking for a long shot MVP candidate, take the TE; I could easily see him getting something like 8 catches for 80 yards and 2 TDs in this game. Arizona simply has no one to match up with him in coverage.

8) Steelers owner Dan Rooney went for Obama, which helped to lock down Pennsylvania. Arizona is the home state of John McCain. The stench of failure permeates.

9) Yeah, whatever. I also took the Steelers and laid the points in both of their playoff games. Let's put this meme to bed.

So... what we are left with is a Super Bowl that, no matter how I look at it, keeps feeling suspiciously like one of those games from the '90s, back when the Super Bowl stunk every year.

You have a power team with a dominant defense against a finesse team that scores a lot of points. Hmm.

You've got a cold-weather Eastern (well, fine, Pittsburgh is kind of Midwestern, but you get the gist) team against a non-traditional contender from the West. Heh heh.

What's to say that Pittsburgh doesn't jump out to an early lead, then bares its teeth on defense and spends several quarters making Warner look like...

Pre-Terrell Davis John Elway.

Stan Humphries. (I just made Charger Fan cry a little.)

Jim Kelly, only without the RB threat.

It's time for an old-school terrible game, folks. In this era of any team getting on a hot streak, that's the biggest upset pick I can think of.

Steelers 31, Cardinals 16

Last Week: 1-1

Playoffs to date: 4-6

Year to date: 137-118-7

Theoretical bankroll: Up $360

Top 11 things that Sports Bloggers are rooting for in the Super Bowl

Oh, you think that we want a good game? That's so adorable! No, let's face it folks, once you've entered the exciting life of writing about sports, your priorities change in ways that can hardly be imagined... in that we know that once this game is over, we've got weeks of bloghole to fill without the thing that you people actually care about. (SPRING LEAGUE, NFL! THINK OF OUR CHILDREN!)

11. Post-game rioting and/or drunken video. The thrill of victory is only matched by the sloppy, sloppy tears of your enemies' defeat, folks. And I hate to break it to you, Steeler Fan, but since no one in America actually knows a Cardinals Fan, that just means that Neutral Fans are kind of hoping you go down, and that you've finally got enough Web cams to tell the world how sad you are. It's really the only thing that's keeping Ohio Football Fan's head out of the oven right now. (That, and the fact that they can't afford to pay the utility bill.)

10. Wardrobe malfunction. Let's face it, folks -- any kind of nip slip, especially if it's accompanied by a skillful censorship from the mainstream media, is just Pure Gold to us in Blogfrica. Some of us are still living off those images, especially with foreign countries cracking down on porn domains. Bring it on, mammary glands!

9. Kurt Warner or Troy Polamalu loses and renounces their faith. It's only logical, isn't it? Guys, if you're going to give all faith and credit to your Messiah in moments of triumph, all I'm asking for is equal time. If nothing else, put on the hair shirt and detail your all-too-human weakness that caused the Lord to deliver such a crushing lesson to you and your poor teammates.

8. Pregame arrest. Everyone thinks that we're rooting for the Hooker Bust, but that's just getting greedy. We'll gladly take someone going off their meds and wandering the streets like a crazy person, while everyone pretends it isn't a distraction. That works just fine.

7. Matt Leinart Drinks. Is anyone else reading the inevitable puff pieces over how the Cardinals' resident trustafarian has Grown Up So Much by picking splinters out of his ass, as, well, tiresome in the extreme? We don't have time for yet another studious NFL understudy. Matty occupies a very select role in the NFL as the biggest slacker/disappointment in the league. We can get the Good Teammate Bad Back Up QB anywhere. Chug, Matty, Chug!

6. Ref conspiracy. Nothing quite extends those good old traffic numbers as the whole "The Game Is Fixed" / "You Guys Are Whiners" debate, otherwise known as the only thing that people now think about Seahawks Fan. Let's get Tim Donaghy on this. We've got a city to trash.

5. Gambling meltdown. This one ties into the ref conspiracy wish, but if the money swings on the spread back and forth in this last week, from 7 points to 6.5, and then the game winds up hitting that 7 point bump exactly... preferably with some highly questionable ref work and/or a coaching decision... well, that would more or less take care of February for us. Keep this in mind, Mike Tomlin, especially if you're driving for the game winner late. Jeff Reed is not acceptable.

4. Obama Pop In. With the approval ratings for the new President still in that happy He's Not The Old Guy place, and his willingness to go outside the usual broadcast network suspects for his media jones... well, let's go, Mister President! Take a tour of all of the major sports blog sites. Or, um, just this one. We'll ask all of the questions that need to be asked, such as, "Why can't I gamble on this game legally?" and "No, seriously, why can't I gamble on this game legally?"

3. Blimp terror. Every year, the difference between the people going to the game and people you don't want to die in a horrible death grows. (At least for Eagle Fan.) And if you are not feeling this, please go look at more Media Day highlights. And people wonder why the most universal political thought in our fractured national landscape is this: the media sucks.

2. Springsteen insanity. I want a 60-second monologue that goes nowhere, some kind of not funny at all banter with Clarence Clemons, and then, just when the powers that be think that it's all over, a freaky shadow phallus with the guitar. Bring it, Boss!

1. Poon, poon, poon. From the Lingerie Bowl to the Go Daddy Spank Spank Spank ads, to the HD cheerleaders and the blog-ready groupie porn, we don't *need* no stinking wardrobe malfunction for cheap clicks. Remember, girls, it's not exploitation if you exploit yourself. Also, that we so respect your personal choices, especially when you get us sweet, sweet traffic. Poon on!

Top 10 reasons the Cardinals will win the Super Bowl

"Audi et alteram partem," my old college political science professor would say, to the point of having his students question whether or not the old man had lost it. It's Latin for "hear the other side," and something that has always stayed with me, because, well, he really did say it that much.

Anyway... some of you are going to bet this the other way than me, and thank heavens for that, otherwise I'd have to lay way too many points. But take heart with the following list! And, by all means, keep betting. I'd love for the spread to be under 7.

10) Steelers linebacker James Harrison, having been cut four times before breaking through as a star, is due for a crippling bout of insecurity

9) The Cards specialize in foiling the defensive schemes of very, very old men

8) Pittsburgh lacks the one player that can stop Kurt Warner in a Super Bowl: Adam Vinatieri

7) The last time Ben Roethlisberger was on this stage, the Steelers' best QB was Antwaan Randle El

6) Since Edge James has announced that he wants out of Arizona, he's going to make sure it's with a ring, just so that everyone can be impressed by his convictions

5) After having Georgia Frontiere and Art Modell hold the Lombardi Trophy earlier this decade, Bill Bidwell just makes sense

4) Pittsburgh's wearing of their road white uniforms will confuse their fans enough to neutralize their quasi-home field advantage

3) The last time anyone used this field the Raiders beat the Buccaneers, so it's clearly death to favorites

2) Adrian Wilson has already arranged to have Troy Polamalu's hair cut in his sleep

1) Arizona has two ex-Eagles (Rod Hood and Matt Ware), while the Steelers only have one (Mitch Berger), which makes the Cardinals twice as good

Blogrolling: You Blog To Lose The Coach

Adam Best from Arrowhead Addict does the honors for the giving man and coach, Herm Edwards. To Eagle Fan of a certain age, he'll always be the guy picking up Joe Pisarcik's gift at the Meadowlands. (Eagle Fan, by the way, is the only town where Herm spent real time and has a fond memory of the guy...

Laker Fan hates on the Spurs in list form. See, other people write these!


Neate from Out of Left Field, your go-to site for Canadian action, produces the all-time Canadians team for Habs Haters. You always have to love when second and third generation guys stink.

Josh Q Public with the most recent goings-on from Old Friend John Rocker. It's a heart-warming story, provided that your heart is warmed by public drunken racism.

One For The Other Thumb, a Steeler blog with a very prophetic name, with the knowledge that Walrus Holmgren will be joining the Calvacade of Whimsy that is the NBC analysis tank at the Super Bowl. Seriously, suits? Tie this into your once-a-year greenwashing nonsense and have all of these blow holes in a clown car. You wouldn't have to heat anything, and if we're lucky, they'd eat each other. (Oh, and the sound that you heard was Steeler Fan with the pre-emptive gnashing of teeth, as the Walrus readies his "They're getting the calls from the refs, just like they did against us" bleat.)

The Gray Lady weights in on the recent hockey fight tragedy, and honestly, I know that Hockey Fan doesn't want to hear this, but... for decades now, the sports has been more or less disparaged for the sideshow. (And yes, yes, I know that the kid's death had more to do with a fluke equipment failure than the fight. But when you lie down with the bad practice and gets mixed with bad luck, you can not win about the fleas.)

No other major league sport mixes an amateur athletic element into its fully professional one, just as no one decides to stop watching the playoffs because they don't fight there. In my years of playing street hockey as a young'un, I also never saw guys drop the gloves and go at it, probably because (a) when your feet are on solid ground, you can honestly hurt someone, and (b) for heaven's sake, fighting in the middle of a hockey game is Big Stupid.

Now that there's been a death, Big Stupid has gone to Horrific Stupid.

In baseball, when there is a fatality, change happens. Ray Chapman in 1919 remains the only time that an MLB player has died on the field from a thrown pitch; it led to batting helmets, fresh baseballs in play more often, and 15 years later, lights. On some level, the MLB death produced Babe Ruth and changed the sport forever.

Given that the team that suffered the fatality has already dropped the gloves since, to the same effect from the fans... well, Hockey Fan, I get that you don't really care anymore about mainstream acceptance. That's good.

Top 10 reasons why the Steelers can't lose the Super Bowl

What some might call tempting the gods of Fate, I call 100% Justified Confidence. Come on, Steeler Fan, show a little faith!

10) The Steelers held top WRs to just 6.5 yards per attempt this year, so Larry Fitzgerald is not even planning on playing

9) Kurt Warner's Born Again Jebus Power is no match for Troy Polamalu's Eastern Orthodox Pray Every Play Jebus Power

8) Anquan Boldin's behavior in their last game was the very worst thing a wide receiver has ever, ever done, and there's no way the Cardinals can overcome that

7) Both Cardinals fans that were thinking of going to the game are now in jail for lawn abuse

6) The Steelers are favored by seven points, and favorites always win in the NFL Playoffs

5) After what he did to Willis McGahee, no Cardinals offensive player will be able to go within 10 yards of Ryan Clark without soiling themselves, which generally leads to more turnovers

4) Seahawks Fan will tell you, and tell you, and tell you, how the refs are totally in the tank for the Steelers in the Super Bowl

3) While the Cardinals are the home team for the game, the Steelers were 6-2 on the road

2) There's no way that the Cardinals can succeed against a team with strong blitz schemes, a good pass defense, and a quarterback that can extend plays with his feet

1) I've picked against the Cardinals for three straight playoff games now, but this time, I *really* mean it

Top 11 Consolations for Eagles Fan

Yes, I'm feeling the pain, folks. But if you don't take it, you can never dish it out.

11) The Super Bowl is in Florida, and you know how Donovan McNabb goes all Chunky Soup in Sunshine State Super Bowls (unfortunately, 2010 is in Miami)

10) After this game, David Akers has only three or four last straws

9) If they had won it all, Brian Dawkins might have retired, rather than in some other game where he's not a factor

8) More Brenda Warner on screen time means that the entire world will share our pain

7) By making it to the Final 4, you get one more year, at least, of the Don n' Andy Show. That's a consolation, right?

6) If today didn't settle the Brent Celek / LJ Smith tight end position battle, nothing ever will

5) Buffalo Bills Fan still had it worse

4) It was a pretty close game for a team that only played for a half

3) Giants, Cowboys and Redskins Fan are happier today, but by no means happy

2) You didn't really want your championship to come from a 9-6-1 team that got in by the skin of its teeth, did you?

1) The Steelers would have taken them apart anyway

Top 10 Super Bowl Stories I'd Like To See

Let the hype begin! Media members, consider this a public service of stories for you to pitch to your corporate overlords in the next few days. I'm a giver.

10) A deity-by-deity breakdown showing which teams the major world gods are supporting

9) What's involved in Matt Leinart's game preparation

8) How the Cowboys will get press coverage this time

7) Heart-wrenching profiles of prop bet only problem gamblers

6) How a company that didn't advertise in the Super Bowl telecast did better, since they were able to spend millions of dollars in a more useful way than 30 seconds of trying to amuse people

5) That some musician that's playing the event isn't actually any kind of a football fan

4) How a region doesn't really improve when their town wins, since I'm pretty sure that Pittsburgh's turnaround had more to do with Carnegie-Mellon than Bill Cowher

3) A telling piece on how many of our Armed Forces overseas don't care that much, because they (a) aren't Steeler or Cardinals Fans, and (b) just want to go the hell home

2) That Troy Polamalu and Adrian Wilson have a side bet on how many concussions they can deal out

1) How the Steelers don't even remember that Ken Whisenhunt was on their staff, since his contribution was so marginal

Wash Someone's Face Like A Patriot

This is a new one on me. The practice from the NHL is to get your gloves as rank as possible, then shove your hand in your opponent's face, so that they flip out and draw a penalty. The article gets into the mechanics of how it's done, as well as how the NHL has no penalty for it, beyond of course, the generic unsportsmanlike conduct.

Now, lest you think that this kind of disgusting practice is dependent only on the Canadians and Others that make up the NHL... when I was in the Bay Area, a friend of a friend covered the Golden State Warriors. He also had the misfortune of getting close to Adonal Foyle, the Warriors' undersized and undertalented center. Let's just say that Foyle didn't, well, stress personal hygiene on game day, as part of his effort to make sure that he could get better positioning for rebounds. It's also common knowledge that many NBA players will file their fingernails into sharp points, once again to get any possible edge. Take a close look at any power forward, you'll see marks all over the place. It ain't pretty.

Finally, of course, there's the ultimate story of Art Donovan, the Colts' defensive lineman and author. He had a great anecdote of playing against the New York Giants at the Polo Grounds in New York, the week after the circus had been to town... and discovering large clumps of elephant crap on the field. So he and his defensive line cohorts spent the better part of the day shoveling handfuls of ele-poo into their opponent's faces before the snap, and laughing their asses off. They also got beat, of course, because playing defense against enraged linemen while laughing is not easy.

Which is all a very roundabout way of letting you know that the dear Massterminds have started an online petition to look into the awful and tragic events of the last 100 seconds of the Super Bowl. No, seriously.

Far be it for this blog to recommend going over and signing the petition with the equivalent of a face wash, or a Foyle Ploy, or the Donovan Toss. That would be, you know, less than sporting, really. And if the aftermath of this NFL season has taught us anything, it's that returning acts of sportsmanship in full and equal measure isn't just the right thing to do... it's the only thing to do.

Epic Drop: Top 10 Fan Bases That Are Delighting In New England Fan's Misery

Here's the link, and for all of you who are thinking that I'm going to the well of Patriot Sorrows too long... no.

We're going to savor their tears like fine wine, so that they keep me from the horror of Champion Eli Et Al. And the more we think about their tears, the less we think about the idea that the biggest win in NFL history is going to a team that I normally want to see dead, dead, dead. Consider it a survival mechanism.

Hey NOBGF, Screw Your Parade

NOBGF: New Outer Borough Giants Fan.

In case you were wondering who would win the pool of when the bloom would come off the bitter, thorny rose that is a Giants Super Bowl win, it came for me at 7:15am this morning at my morning train station.

Admittedly, this was probably My Fault for voting, and getting lost on the way to the polling booth, which made me miss my earlier train... but what do I see on the platform but over a dozen different Giants fans, all in those suspiciously new Manning and Burress jerseys (the Eli jerserys were especially mint). They are all taking the train, don'tcha know, to get into Manhattan to see The Parade. (Mind you, I live in the more or less midpoint of Philadelphia and New York, and the area was showing a lot more Eagle Green a few months ago. Are you getting my Bandwagon Drift yet?)

Now, a quick word about parades. I don't get the thrill. You stand. They walk or drive by. You clap or yell. They point their fingers at you and wave. At no point does anyone tackle anyone. There is no sport here.

So unless you're there to try to hook up -- and hey, if that's the case, knock yourself out, I understand Eli really likes it on top when he pees on you while calling you Tiki -- what, exactly, is the point? Do you need to compound the vice / timewaste that is watching sports with the even more dubious vice / timewaste of staring at people who play sports?

And if the answer is "We just wanted to thank them for all they did", um, fine and all, but don't they already get a paycheck that's probably at least 16 times what average NOBGF makes, along with the adoration at their home games?

Oh, right, these are the Giants, a team you could only beat at home. My bad. And no, to answer the inevitable hater question, if the Eagles/Sixers/A's were holding a parade, I wouldn't go either. I've been to one parade, for the Philadelphia Stars when I was 12. It's fine if you're 12, I suppose. Or a groupie, or a groupie wannabe.

So my train is now filled not with the politely semi-conscious drones, but with grunty men and their appalling women discussing their kitchens and basements and who saw who at the mall and for heaven's sake it's a public place and you're not even drunk, along with an awful hour of the morning in the fog and drizzle that has been, for the most part, Weather for the past three months. I understand that you mongoloids need to congregate to make the experience seem real to you, since you were all a first-round loss to Tampa away from firing everyone involved with the Blue Snow G Men... but can't you please, pretty please, accept this one with the small good grace, that, to be fair, most of the actual team displayed?

With the grace of an occasionally kind Supreme Being, the train is not delayed, and we pull into Newark, which is where I disembark... and now NOBGF has to deal with the automated ticket turnstiles. With the PATH train, you have to buy a ticket from a machine, and periodically recharge it, to get through... but NOBGF doesn't know that, and is convinced that if he just jams in a buck or his drivers license or, I don't know, his new Giants SuperBowl MasterCard, he'll get through.

Over 1,000 people go from that train to the PATH, and most of us are trying to get to work on time; if you dick around with the machine, other people are going to try to get by, seeing as there are maybe 20 turnstiles for the entire length of the train. But oh, no no no, not with NOBGF on the case! "What are you, SOME KIND OF TOOL? IT'S BROKEN!" he screams, followed by the inevitable F-bombs. He's bellowing, oblivious to (a) the fact that people are cutting around him like he's a glob of rancid fat in an artery, or that (b) the guy that he wanted to throw down with for daring to, um, get on with his freaking day is already through the turnstile and on the PATH train.

Now, I'm sure that this will all go away soon, along with the vague sense that I've entered Bizarro World when the Citizen watch ad comes on and talks about Unstoppable Eli Manning. But until then, I think I need to work from home. Before I start carrying razor blades...

Masstermind Round-Up: The Day After

I've been up all night, Nation, trying to figure out how We lost that game. Here's the best that I can come up with.

Coach Belichick made us lose. On purpose. Because He's A Genius.

Hear me out on this, my fellow so close to Perfectriots. (Luckily, I still have patent on that, and I think my bid for the URL is going to be accepted now. It will all pay off in the long run.)

Coach knew that no matter what, this year was going to be defined by Spygate. He also knew that if the team finished off the 19-0 year, he'd have no way to motivate them next year, and Coach is all about planning for the future. Finally, he had to teach all of us -- the Patriot Nation -- a bitter, bitter lesson. We were not worthy.

And by We, of course, I mostly mean You.

We didn't do enough. We weren't big enough homers. We didn't embrace the non-darkies on the team enough. We allowed ESPN to occasionally cover other teams in the league. We didn't have Gregg Easterbrook killed -- something that I'm certain most other fanbases would have also supported. When the Patriots were running up the score earlier in the year like the biggest heel wrestlers ever, we didn't enjoy it enough. Some part of Us wondered if we weren't just being, you know, irredeemable assholes that the rest of the world would delight in our defeat. We were weak.

Well, no more. Now, with this resolve-testing loss on all of our heads, we'll be.... we'll be.... we'll be....

WWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I CAN'T DO IT! I CAN'T DO IT! THE PATRIOTS LOST! TO THE FREAKING GIANTS! WWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SOMEBODY HOLD ME! I'M SO COLD AND LONELY AND SAD AND NO ONE WILL EVER LOVE ME AGAIN AND I'M GOING TO DIE COLD AND ALONE AND UNLOVED WITHOUT THE PATRIOTS EVER EVER EVER EVER GOING 19-0 AND WINNING EVERY GAME AND COVERING EVERY SPREAD! IT'S BEEN YEARS, YES, PLURAL, YEARS SINCE THE PATRIOTS WON THE CHAMPIONSHIP AND ALL WE HAVE NOW IS OUR DEFENDING CHAMPION BASEBALL TEAM AND OUR CONTENDING CHAMPION BASKETBALL TEAM AND OUR LOADED 18-1 FOOTBALL TEAM THAT HAS THE 7TH PICK IN THE DRAFT AND ALL OF IT IS MEANINGLESS BECAUSE THE PATRIOTS LOST! TO THE FREAKING GIANTS! WWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(breaths, gulps, repeats)

I'm OK. Just, um, got a little emotional there. That's OK, right? It doesn't make me less of a professional in Coach's eyes, does it? It's OK, we'll just take it out in the edit. Like the final game of the DVD of the season. Though that pre-game show where Terry Bradshaw went down on Brady was kind of awesome. I mean, we would have all done it, but it was nice of Brady to let an old bald guy have a turn, too.

So, anyway. Coach made us lose to make sure we'd be better next year, just as he made us lose Deion Branch so that he could get Randy Moss, just as all of the other Patriot championships are completely valid 3-point domination wins, and this is a completely invalid 3-point fluke loss.

I feel better now. Now, if you don't mind, I'm off to take a week-long bubble bath, and drink myself to poisoning levels on five different kinds of schnapps. Oh, schnapps. You're always perfect. You'll never fail me...

Final Super Thoughts

The Patriots finally lost a close Super Bowl.

That's about it, really. If Eli Manning doesn't escape from a sack in a way that he has probably never done before, and if David Tyree doesn't keep a hold on a ball by pressing it against his freaking helmet, the Giants don't win tonight. If Ahmad Bradshaw doesn't recover a fumble when he is outnumbered 4 to 1 in a pile, the Giants probably don't win this game. They were the best team on the field tonight, but in the NFL, that does not really mean that much; every game turns on a half dozen plays. As much as the Giants held the ball tonight, they only won the time of possession by a minute. As well as the Giants defense played tonight, they outgained the Pats by all of about 60 yards.

I might be alone in this, but I don't think that this win makes Eli Manning a great quarterback, any more than the idea that Bret Favre has been a great quarterback for the past five years, because he won a Super Bowl way back when. His team scored 17 points tonight against a defense that hasn't been that great; he led them to three points in a first half when they more or less controlled the game.

What happened tonight was that the Giants' defensive line controlled the game for most of the first 50 minutes, and when the offense got the ball back with one chance to win the game, they did it. Everything after that is story, and come next September, worth as much as the Patriots first 18 wins.

Oh, and hats off from this Eagles fan to the Giants for taking out the two most annoying teams in the playoffs. The fact that you were the third most annoying team... well, oh well.

Epic Drop: Top 13 Consolations for Patriots Fans

Your list is here, and I'm so sorry for the New England fans, really. No, seriously. Very unfortunate. Just awful, really.

The Super Quasi Live Blog, Fourth Quarter: Giants-Patriots

Giants start at their 20 following a Hanson failed punt. Frank Caliendo starts us off by looking asleep. Yes sir! Manning hits Boss in stride from a clean pocket, and he runs away from Rodney Harrison for 30 yards -- BECAUSE THE TIGHT END IS ALWAYS OPEN AGAINST THE PATRIOTS -- for 45. Bradshaw for 3 hard yards. Aikman disagrees that the Giants are better without Shockey, because of all of the playoff wins they had with... well, because Troy Aikman Is A Dumb Ass. Three more for Jacobs, and it's 3rd and 4 from the 30. Huge play, and Manning from the shotgun has all day to throw and an open Steve Smith to throw to. He makes the catch, and Blue is at the Patriots 12.

Bradshaw from the shotgun draw gets 7, and we are five yards away from the Giants having the lead again. Play action, and the ball is perfect to David Tyree.. and voila, there's the lead. Tynes hits the PAT, and it's 10-7 Giants. Wow, wow, wow. Patriots with the over is also looking like a DOA bet.

Maroney with a good return... but ref Mike Carey has a holding call, and the Pats will start at their 10, instead of the 33. There's 11 minutes left in this game, and if Blue can keep playing defense like this, Some Serious Interest, Really.

Moss makes his second catch of the day, this one for 17, on play action that's a high throw, but a good one. The Welker screen is anticipated, but the WR makes a man miss as always, and gets 3. Brady overthrows Moss, who didn't look all that perturbed at the idea of going for it, shall we say. 3rd and 7 is another monstrous play... and Brady ducks traffic, but then misses Welker, and the Patriots will punt. On the play, Umenyiora is hit in the head, and Madison closed beautifully to get the stop. McQuarters fields the punt, stays in bounds, and gets 10 hidden but important yards. For the fourth straight playoff game, the Giants are making the other team's QB play his worst game of the year.

9:20 left when the Giants stat the drive, and Jacobs gets a yard. A long drive and points here is what Blue is dreaming of, and given the time of possession advantage, well within the possibilities. Manning spins away from a sack, then misses Burress, who was wide open in the flat. That's the kind of play that loses football games. Wow. On 3rd and 9, from the gun, Toomer is a yard shy of the first down... and the Patriots are very, very lucky to get the three and out. Even if Manning runs instead of throwing to Burress, they get the first and keep the ball. Big, big break for the Pats. Welker calls for a fair catch just inside his 20, and with just under 8 minutes left, the Pats have the ball.

Will the Blue defense do it again? From first, it's shotgun for Brady, who finds Welker for 5. It really looks like Brady doesn't want to hold the ball for any longer than necessary. Moss runs a Welker route for 9, and the Pats have a first down. Maroney for 9 and out of bounds, and the Pats look a little better right now. Six minutes left. Welker to the Giants 43, he now has 10 catches for 93 yards, and it's another first down. First drive all night where Brady has looked like Brady. Faulk gets 4 on an out route. Welker's 11th catch is for 10 more yards, and the Pats are in theoretical field goal range with 4:15 left. The first incompletion of the drive is to Stallworth, and again, it's a quick out route. Brady is now 26 of 40 for 237 yards. Play action to Moss gets another first down and the Pats are in the red zone. The Giants pass rush has picked a bad time to disappear. Faulk for 12 over the middle, and Giant defenders are dropping like flies; this time it's Robbins, previously it was Tuck and Umenyiora. Bad moment for Blue, who have had time of possession, to also run out of gas.

First and goal from the 7. 3:12 left. Both teams have all of their timeouts. Fake handoff, pump fake right to Gaffney, then Brady misses a wide-open Moss to the left. Second down is a blitz where Brady throws behind Welker, who gets hammered to boot. James Butler for the Giants is down, and it's merely the biggest play of the season right now. Aikman gives the mouth job to Brady, as if he didn't just miss Moss on first down for the go-ahead touchdown. Seriously, how stupid do you have to be to get an NFL announcing job with Fox?

The biggest play of the game and season is from the gun. Brady to Moss, touchdown, as Webster los his feet. Gostkowski hits the PAT, and it's 14-10 Patriots, with 2:49 left. The perfect season is 2:42 away, assuming the Patriots defense can get it done.

Hixson goes down hard after a 14 yard return, so the Giants will have to go long distance to win this game. First and ten from their 17. First down is a good ball to Toomer, for 11 and the first. The Giants don't hurry. Manning takes a low snap and misses Burress in traffic. Burress has one catch for 14 yards, in his bid to be the new Freddie Mitchell. Under pressure, Manning throws high and away to Burress, and we're at the two minute warning.

3rd and 10, and Aikman is already talking about punting, Manning finds Toomer, who is marked just short of the first. Toomer could have rolled after the catch, but didn't, and with 1:40 left, the Giants are going for it. Aikman admits this is the right decision. No, you think?

AGAIN, HOW STUPID DO YOU HAVE TO BE TO GET A JOB WITH FOX?

Jacobs just makes it on fourth and short. 1:22 left, and Blue keeps it. They still have all three timeouts, and are now 73 yards away. Manning scrambles for five, and was down before the ball comes loose. Blue calls time, and it's second and five with 80 seconds left, but this drive is not exactly inspiring confidence right now.

57 yards away. Manning airmails a ball to Tyree, and Samuel doesn't make the pick; Manning is bent at his WR. 3rd and 5, 1:15 left... and Manning makes the play of his life. Shaking off pressure from several players, he throws a jump ball to Tyree, who also makes the play of his life, holding off Harrison and keeping the ball, with one hand, off his freaking HELMET. Unreal. Giants call time, 59 seconds left, ball on the Patriots 25, and what was a terrible game is having a HUGE finish.

1st and 10 on the 24. Manning gets dragged down by Thomas, and Blue uses its last time out with 50 seconds left on the clock. That Could Be Important. Blue needs to protect its QB better. From the gun, its a flutter that Tyree almost catches on the deflection. 3rd and 11 with 45 seconds left. I'd think about a draw, but Manning finds Smith in the flat, who gets the first down and stops the clock. Huge play.

First and 10 on the 14. Patriots with a sell out blitz, and Manning finds Burress all alone in the corner for the go-ahead touchdown with 35 seconds left. Wow, wow, wow. Tynes sneaks the extra point through, and it's 17-14 Giants with 35 seconds left.

Heck of a time for Burress to finally make a play in this game. He's officially overtaken Freddie Mitchell. And for that, I have no higher praise.

A big return makes overtime very possible, as the Pats still have all of their timeouts, but Maroney won't get it, as he's wrapped up at the 25. 29 seconds left, first and 10 from the 25. The Giants blitz on first, and Brady misses downfield. 25 seconds left. On second down, Jay Alford, a rookie, blows up Brady on a sack, 19 seconds left, the Patriots take a timeout. It's 3rd and 20. Wow.

From the gun, Brady tries Moss from 60 yards away, and Webster knocks it away. 10 seconds left. The ball was there, but the DB made a great play. And on the last play of the NFL season, Brady can't connect. Embarrassingly for the NFL, there is still a second left on the clock, and it's a mess to close, but close they do.

Giants 17, Patriots 14. Much, much more later. (My inner Masstermind is just CRUSHED.)