Picks filled with spite

Go to Shooter if you want a rational evaluation of the relative strengths and weaknesses of the playoff teams. I'm just here for the hate.

Eagles: My status as an adopted Philadelphian made this an obvious pick, but, frankly, Dallas can go to hell. The Cowboys are everything that's wrong with America. Tacky, loud, nouveau riche, possessed of a wholly undeserved sense of accomplishment and entitlement. When unwashed crazy men fall asleep in 20-degree caves outside of Fallujah, they're dreaming of blowing up Skeletor Jones' colossal monument to his own ego. The Cowboys embody every Ugly American stereotype. They're rude, stupid and loud. Their quarterback is Gomer Pyle, their no. 1 WR reacts to every six-yard completion as if he's discovered the secret to eternal youth is buried in Salma Hayek's ass. I don't want them to lose. I want them to defiled, destroyed and defenestrated. I want their children embarrassed to say their fathers played in Saturday's game. I hate, HAAAAAATE Dallas.

Jets: The Bengals will almost certainly win this game, but my brother is a Bengals fan and I never want him to ever experience joy.

Packers: Not only is Green Bay playing good football, the Cardinals deserve humiliation. They keep slipping into the playoffs by winning the worst division in football and if the 49ers had anything approaching competent quarterbacking, the Cardinals wouldn't even be able to claim that minimal level of success. Plus, the Bidwells are cheap and stupid, the worst owners this side of Jim Dolan. They cheated the Posttsville Maroons out of their right title and until they make it right, let their children know nothing but tears.

Ravens: I can't stand either of these teams. On one side you have a team lead by God's Own (diving on the pile 8-yards downfield) Linebacker and the son of a Bulgarian Customs inspector who still lives with his parents even though he's a millionaire at QB. On the other, you've got the Pride of White America. The fans of both teams are insufferable in victory and in defeat, but "The Wire" was better than "Spencer: For Hire" and the puling of Boston pukes complaining about how their beloved "Football Celtics" were cheated keeps me warm at night.

Reid isn't going anywhere. Yay?

In light of today's humiliation at the hands of Al Davis's brain-eating zombie army (at minimum they've feasted on the juicy brainmeats of Donovan Mcnabb and Andy Reid), I want to visit a simmering issue here in my adopted hometown: Andy Reid is negotiating a contract extension.

From a purely rational perspective, this is good news. The man has won more than 60% of his games. He's won more games than any other coach in team history. Under his stewardship, the Eagles have gone from perennial doormat to perennial championship contender. In 10 years, he's engineered seven playoff appearances and five conference championship games.

And yet, the Eagles are only 1-4 in the NFCCG and abominations like whatever the hell they were doing out there today are an annual occurrence. He believes passing is always the answer no matter the situation even when, like today, 60% of the projected starting offensive line was out of action and Brian Westbrook was gouging out great chunks of yardage on the ground.

The man is remarkably stubborn; Richard Seymour was giving King Dunlap the same treatment Shawn Merriman gave Tila Tequila, but Reid never went max protect and rarely helped his overmatched left tackle. Just ask Winston Justice how unwilling Reid is to help out a young LT facing an All-Pro defensive end.

I don't care that his press conferences are boring or that he rarely gives a straight answer to simple questions. He's a football coach, not Chris Rock. But Philadelphia still idolizes Buddy Ryan, a lousy coach but a great quote. Personality matters in this city (just ask Donovan).

Reid is a notoriously bad gameday coach and more than a few living room sets have been demolished by fans watching him struggle to properly manage a two-minute drill. Halftime adjustments? What halftime adjustments? Just keep throwing.

His teams seem to have a patent on the pass-pass-pass-punt drive. And passing in short yardage situations. Of course, it's been at least three years since they could consistently convert short yardage situations by running, so on this one he might have a point.

I won't even bring up the Super Bowl. Oh, God, the Super Bowl.

The biggest problem is that Reid still evidences the same shortcomings he's always had, and there is minimal evidence he can learn from his mistakes. He seems to have finally changed his philosophy on taking solid-yet-unspectacular receivers. Of course, it took him eight years to do so.

This is all moot, of course. There may not be a coach in the NFL with more job security. Andy Reid has a constituency of one and there has been nothing to suggest Jeffrey Laurie is ready to jettison the only head coach he's ever hired. Besides, who among the retreads looks like he'd be any better? Chuckie won with Dungy's players and lost with his own. Cowher hadn't won a Super Bowl at this point in his career and nobody ever accused him of being a great coach. Billick, he's an arrogant prick which would play well in this city but he won't have Marvin Lewis and God's Own Linebacker around to build one of the great defenses in history this time.

No, we're most likely stuck with Big Red and while that's probably good, it still makes me a little ill.