Picks filled with spite

Go to Shooter if you want a rational evaluation of the relative strengths and weaknesses of the playoff teams. I'm just here for the hate.

Eagles: My status as an adopted Philadelphian made this an obvious pick, but, frankly, Dallas can go to hell. The Cowboys are everything that's wrong with America. Tacky, loud, nouveau riche, possessed of a wholly undeserved sense of accomplishment and entitlement. When unwashed crazy men fall asleep in 20-degree caves outside of Fallujah, they're dreaming of blowing up Skeletor Jones' colossal monument to his own ego. The Cowboys embody every Ugly American stereotype. They're rude, stupid and loud. Their quarterback is Gomer Pyle, their no. 1 WR reacts to every six-yard completion as if he's discovered the secret to eternal youth is buried in Salma Hayek's ass. I don't want them to lose. I want them to defiled, destroyed and defenestrated. I want their children embarrassed to say their fathers played in Saturday's game. I hate, HAAAAAATE Dallas.

Jets: The Bengals will almost certainly win this game, but my brother is a Bengals fan and I never want him to ever experience joy.

Packers: Not only is Green Bay playing good football, the Cardinals deserve humiliation. They keep slipping into the playoffs by winning the worst division in football and if the 49ers had anything approaching competent quarterbacking, the Cardinals wouldn't even be able to claim that minimal level of success. Plus, the Bidwells are cheap and stupid, the worst owners this side of Jim Dolan. They cheated the Posttsville Maroons out of their right title and until they make it right, let their children know nothing but tears.

Ravens: I can't stand either of these teams. On one side you have a team lead by God's Own (diving on the pile 8-yards downfield) Linebacker and the son of a Bulgarian Customs inspector who still lives with his parents even though he's a millionaire at QB. On the other, you've got the Pride of White America. The fans of both teams are insufferable in victory and in defeat, but "The Wire" was better than "Spencer: For Hire" and the puling of Boston pukes complaining about how their beloved "Football Celtics" were cheated keeps me warm at night.