NFL Week 17: You Crap The Bed

This week on You Crap, we're brought to you by Anal Cancer. I realize it's a controversial choice, but the check cleared, and it allowed me to run the Farrah Fawcett picture. Besides, thinking hard about anal cancer made that Eagles - Cowboys game go down easier, and as my old political science teacher once said, hear the other side. There's got to be a plus to having this, right? There's always the slimming weight loss!

You all know how we play the game. Each week, we give you the chance to out-think people who are actually paid to make NFL decisions. Now, let's all play... You Crap The Bed!

1) You are Miami QB Tyler Thigpen. You've led the Dolphins to a furious comeback in the fourth quarter in a game where your team says goodbye to all playoff hope with a loss. After a shockingly bad sack and fumble allowed by the Steelers, you take possession inside the Steelers red zone with just under 7 minutes to play. With the home crowd roaring its approval, do you:

a) Hand the ball off to running back Ricky Williams, who has been your best offensive player this year

b) Roll out and gain the corner, since the Steeler defense is seemingly underscouted on your scrambling powers

c) Go for something safe to tight end Anthony Fasano, who you've connected with earlier for a big play

d) Try an end around to one of your quick but not terribly advanced wideouts, or

e) Force a ball into double coverage, because dammit, your raw arm strength and uncanny accuracy is what has made you the lightly drafted NFL vagabond you are

If you choose (e), congratulations... you crapped the bed! And you've won a game-ending drive by the second-chance Steeler offense, who used RB Willie Parker and QB Ben Rothlesberger to end their year with honor, as opposed to your misery. You've also added some more incontrovertible tape to the idea that your NFL career is best served in August, if ever. Enjoy the CFL! Or perhaps the UFL, for that matter. You've earned it!

2) You are Eagles QB Donovan McNabb. With 15 seconds left in the first half and no timeouts remaining, you have the ball near midfield at the end of the first half with a 17-0 deficit in Dallas. On third and two, do you choose to:

a) Throw it to TE Brent Celek, who has been your best receiver all day, and seemingly has a matchup he can win for meaningful yards

b) Throw it to WR DeSean Jackson, who is, after all, the most electrifying performer that has ever worn the laundry

c) Tuck it under your arm and run, since no team in the NFL respects your ability to do that anymore, and you'll probably get the first down and out of bounds

d) Throw it deep to, well, anyone, on the off chance that a big play or defensive penalty happens to give yourself a chance at getting some freaking points on the board

e) Throw in the flat to safety valve Brian Westbrook, who is ten yards from the sideline and would need to beat two men to just get out of bounds, let alone any meaningful yards

If you choose (e), congratulations... you crapped the bed! And you've won a completion, a tackle inbounds, the end of one of the worst halves of football that your team has played in months, and enough seething hatred from fans of the laundry to cause Scanners-esque head explosions in a 100 mile radius of very festive blood. Well played!

3) You are Denver coach Josh McReynolds. After a 6-0 start to begin the year, your team is clinging for life with multiple playoff scenarios, but no matter what happens, you have to beat the woebegone Chiefs at home to qualify. Before the game, you choose to:

a) Bench WR Brandon Marshall for disciplinary reasons that, given that he's Brandon Marshall, were probably an every week event

b) Bench TE Tony Schiffler for disciplinary reasons, which are supposedly that he said he "could not wait for Denver's season to end"... so you, um, make sure his wish is fulfilled by depriving your QB of his second-best receiver

c) Dial up a game plan in which turnover-prone QB Kyle Orton puts it in the air 56 (!) times, despite the lack of his two best receivers, the game being generally close, and the rushing attack being moderately successful (22 carries for 84 yards and two touchdowns)

d) Fail to put enough men in the box to make the Chiefs beat you with someone other than Jamal Charles (who winds up running for 259 yards and two touchdowns)

e) All of the above, preferably while mumbling about strawberries, and making everyone in Denver wonder just how bad this will somehow be *next* year, when you've got more of your kind of players

If you've chosen (e), congratulations... you've crapped the bed! And really, in a much more meaningful and spectacular way than any other coach in the league. I mean, think about it: you aren't going to the playoffs because you could not stop JaMarcus Russell from a last minute game-winning drive at home, or defeat the Chiefs... again at home. If there has ever been a bigger bed-crapping by a coach, I haven't seen it.

Well, folks, that wraps up our season of You Crap. I'd like to thank all of our advertisers, everyone behind the scenes who helped us to put on the show, and all of our contestants for their, um, output. But remember, with a little fiber, determination and inspiration -- or, if all else fails, the onset of one of the very worst ways to die on the planet -- you too can... Crap The Bed! Good night, everybody!