Bronco Fan's Year Just Keeps Getting Better

Let's just make this very clear, Bronco Fan: the 2009 season is not going to go well for you. The schedule involves the NFC East, which will roll you. The Chargers get Shawn Merriman back, which means their defense will have some bite. The Chiefs can't be that bad again, especially now that they have a coach that isn't named Herm Edwards. The Raiders... well, OK, there's still the Raiders. Your big move on defense was to bring in a high-priced safety that can't run well enough to do pass coverage anymore. Your big move on offense was to shoot yourself in the head by alienating your franchise quarterback, then to draft a running back when your system has proven that anyone with a pulse can put up numbers in that position. Your coach is responsible for the QB exile, and is way too damned young and arrogant to win at this level.

But on the plus side, you'll also be wearing this for two games next year. Yes, the consensus choice for the worst uniform in sports history, with some kind of Mutant Mustard Man with bumblebee socks. But on the plus side, the colors match what a young child will produce (I change enough diapers to know where I speak).

On some level, you have to wonder if this entire thing is meant to be a psychological stress test on new safety Brian Dawkins. I get that the man is sleeping on a bed of stupid money, and is basically a year or two from retirement, but this can't be what he signed up for, is it? A nice little 8-8 year, maybe a playoff game or two, media mouth jobs giving him the John Lynch Love-In and with Tony Gonzalez leaving KC, Antonio Gates not really being himself anymore and the Raiders being the Raiders, that's not the worst retirement in the world. But instead, he gets to wear these clown clothes. I think the man's going to hurt himself on purpose by Halloween.

But anyway, back to the matter at eye. How bad are these jerseys? The first time the team tried to use them, the players burned them. They might want to try that again this year. Just make sure McDaniels is in the gear when you fire 'em up...

Countdown to Clowntime

This note from the Philly Daily News (yes, it is still in operation, you miserable people -- would it kill you to buy a copy?)... ex-Eagle, current Bronco and perpetually conflicted safety Brian Dawkins wants to make his most famous fan happy by giving him his comped tickets when the Broncos play the Eagles next year in Philadelphia.

Now, several questions arise from this.

1) Will the axed fan wear one of those super-stupid split jerseys, to show that he just loves everyone?

2) Given that Dawkins' team will be starting, in all likelihood, Kyle Orton on the road with no running back and a defense whose best player might be a broken-down but very wealthy safety, will said fan change the jersey in mid-game?

3) Can Dawkins give so many interviews the week of the game that Philly Fan winds up booing him not out of disloyalty, but simple fatigue?

4) What mostly innocent utterance from Donovan McNabb will be twisted out of proportion to cause a media circus and sports radio ratings boon?, and

5) When will we know the date of the game, so we can determine whether or not the Broncos will have fired Coach / Soooper Gene Yuss Josh "Cutler Killer" McDaniels?

205th Drop: Top 11 reasons why Jay Cutler had to leave the Broncos

As promised, here's the link to the list. It'll teach me my place in things, and the Broncos...

Yes and Nos on L'Affaire Cutler

(I have to be brief on this one today; too much going on outside of the blog. Yes, I suck.)

Yes, the QB is a pouting whiner who should have gotten over it.

No, Chicago Fan will not hold that against him. Seriously, after the QBs that franchise had had, Cutler could come out of the huddle wearing wings and a fluffy tail and they'd eat it up.

Yes, Coach Idiot McDaniels is on the shortest leash imaginable for a new guy in Denver, having jettisoned his team's best asset with no real back up plan in check. Chris Simms and Kyle Orton do not count, unless you're adding up losses, turnovers, and career-threatening injuries.

No, Chicago did not give up too much for him, because there is no way in hell that their first round picks will be in the top half of the draft so long as Cutler is upright.

Yes, Cutler really is worth the trouble: he's mobile, has an arm, doesn't fear the rush and productive. Head aside, there aren't five quarterbacks in the League with a brighter future ahead of them. Denver Fan will get to regret this for a decade or more, along the same way the Falcon Fan regretted the Favre Trade up until about 2003.

No, he won't be as good in Chicago, because he won't have Brandon Marshall and Eddie Royal at the wideouts. But at least now he has a running back and a defense. In real terms, he'll win more games; in fantasy ones, he just dropped five spots in rank for 2009-10.

No, I'm not sold that Orlando Pace at tackle for the Bears was a great addition, because he hasn't been healthy for years. But he could have just been dogging it to get the hell out of St. Louis. It's a better gamble than most.

Yes, this does make the Bears better and a possible division winner, but I still think the Packers have the most talent in the division.

And finally... I think the Broncos will go 3-13 this year, and that McDaniels will be run out of town on a rail. Just one more genius that wasn't from the Belichick Tree.

(Oh, and there will also be a jokey hacky list link on this later in the day, because I've gotten a fresh invite from Editor Scrap of Epic Carnival infamy to whore myself out again. Time to go shave my legs.)

Buy Jay Cutler's House

Just in case you thought that the fracas between Jay Cutler and the Broncos brain trust was entirely a media creation, there's this little moment of reporting...

Well, it seems that the QB from a Town Called Sulk has put his house up for sale, and his parents are also trying to move theirs. Jay's crib is listed for $2 million, but you can get the rent's house for just $835K.

Cutler still has a condo in downtown Denver, so it's not as if he'll be sleeping in the parking lot with the motor running while Masstermind Josh McDaniels tries to deal him for the rights to Drew Bledsoe. Though personally, I'm hoping that McD buys Cutler's place, preferably after a public negotiation that goes very badly...

Cutfight

So the Lemur has the story of the continuing miseries arising in Denver, where shockingly young head coach Josh McDaniels and sulking diabetic quarterback Jay Cutler are getting into each other. You might remember how McDaniels entertained the notion of bringing in Matt Cassels when the Brady Backup was being shipped to Kansas City, and how Cutler didn't cotton to such a move, seeing as He's A Star And All.

According to those ever-helpful Lemur Spies (it's nice when they are sowing discord on some other laundry, isn't it?), Cutler has trust issues with McDaniels and doesn't want to be there if the Broncos aren't going to commit to him long-term.

Now, normally, you know... this is football, and Cutler hasn't done a damn thing in the league other than put up some big numbers and get his longtime coach run with a shocking final month collapse that gave the division, such as it was, to the Chargers. So my sympathies aren't particularly with him, especially given his douchey sideline faces; between him an Phil Rivers, Raider and Chief Fan have to be dreaming hard about any clean blindside blitz.

But McDaniels is also far from blameless in this matter. Looking at the Broncos, there were, perhaps, 4 players on the starting roster that were at a championship level: Cutler, WRs Brandon Marshall and Eddie Royal, and CB Champ Bailey (if healthy). Since taking the reins, he's alienated the QB, seen the #1 WR get arrested (yet again), and blown a great deal of money on a 35-year-old safety (Brian Dawkins) that needs to be protected in coverage against tight ends... and oh, the division has, at last count, Tony Gonzalez, Antonio Gates and Zach Miller. (I know, but Miller's actually really good. Look at the numbers, then look at his QB and offense. He's doing a lot with a little.)

For a guy with a sieve for a defense (and no, Dawkins doesn't magically make that go away), there were better ideas than starting a fight with your perfectly good QB. For a team with no real running back (and no, Correll Buckhalter doesn't magically make that go away, either), there were better ideas. Or for a team that's wondering how the new guy will manage, given that he's younger than just about anyone with this job ever, and the talent roster is a gaping void.

But by all means, Patriot Masstermind McDaniels, continue to make things wrong with your QB. I'm sure that will work out well for you...

End of the line

As NFL Free Agency moves into the hyper-mode stage that makes some kinds of fans damn near nauseous with uncertainty (you know who you are, Tracer Bullet), there's been high amounts of turnover in the Eagles defensive secondary. Clearly, it's the end of an era, and it's something that requires comment. I speak, of course, about Sean Considine's decision to sign with Jacksonville.

Who of us could ever forget when Considine first made his presence felt in the lineup? With his combination of not quite enough size and not quite enough speed, he was, well, white. Frequent contributions on special teams, and the fact that he didn't play corner while getting roasted against the Patriots in the Super Bowl, made us all realize that he wasn't, in fact, Matt Ware. That was important.

In 2005, he was drafted in the fourth round, out of Iowa. In 2007, he was a starter as the Eagles decided that Michael Lewis was a better author than football player. After suffering an injury, he got Wally Pipped by Quentin Mikell, much to the relief of Eagle Fans who liked him well enough on special teams, but weren't too thrilled to see opposing team's seam routes and tight ends rack up the yards.

And now, he goes to just another AFC team, which is nice, in that we'll probably never have to see him in the wrong laundry, getting his revenge. But personally, I'm going to be ordering his 37 number in teal (it's slimming!) and wearing it to the Linc next year, just to show the current regime how bent I am that they wouldn't sign the same old talent when they are so far under the cap. You'll also be hearing me on sports talk tadio, sounding as if I've lost a family member. It's only right.

(And seriously... Godspeed, Dawk. See you in Canton.)

Blogrolling: Coming For Your Niblets

The final insult to Steeler Hater Nation... if you make fun of Terrible Towels, you are a Terrible Person.

HHR with the real live author interview and get (it's Stefan Fatsis, doing the George Plimpton thing with the Denver Broncos). It's like they are a real site or something.

I don't know if this is legit, but you know they don't like you when the crawl writer is tearing you a new one. Courtesy of Sports By Brooks.



Here's some pure nightmare fuel -- the Green Man is not just coming for your jobs and your women, but your very niblets. That lunge move at the end made my junk move up and in like a plane taking up the landing gear.



And just to prove that pro wrasslin' is more than bad ideas and shameless PR from Vince McMahon... here's some bad ideas and shameless PR from one-time WWE heel Kurt Angle, now working with the #2 federation. He wants Rod Blagojevich to come join his heel group. Too bad Wrasslin' Fan has no idea who Hair-Rod is...

Pop A Rat

I realize that I'm late to the blogging party on this, but a few brief words on the firing of Mike Shanahan by the Denver Broncos.

1) The only reason this is a surprise is that Denver doesn't have a very strong media. If the Rat had spent the last ten years in a major East Coast market not making the Super Bowl after the departure of Star Quarterback, there would have been noise about him getting the axe.

2) I'm not sure it's possible to talk about how much fantasy football owners hated this guy. Seriously, he made us own Tatum Bell. He had us draft Travis Henry in the first round. The running back carousel was non-stop, and he was respected enough as a talent evaluator that it seemed like every team in the league went there. Plus, he also went strongly down the path of Vulture Back at the goal line. Just a total nightmare, every year. I'm looking forward to the next Broncos team actually having guys you can draft without taking a stiff drink (or six) first.

3) Given his record of, for the most part, not getting it done without John Elway paired with a healthy Terrell Davis, and a godawful defense that threw away a pretty good year from Jay Cutler, Brandon Marshall and Eddie Royal... winding up with an 8-8 year in a terrible division, including a last-month choke job for the ages... well, why *should* he still have the gig? And how is it that the Broncos are necessarily going to stink on ice without him?

All they need is a tolerable defense. The Rat wasn't giving it to them, but it's not like they couldn't get there next year with a decent draft, a free agent or two, health for Champ Bailey and just a little bit of luck.

So while Media People might think that the Rat Pop means that NFL teams are just crazy impatient and unrealistic in their expectations... I, personally, think there's more than a fair amount of cause here, and that Bronco Fan is probably more than a little pleased by the idea of a new regime. Provided, of course, that they are interested in winning in this century...

Projection Time!

Were you aware... that Jay Cutler is on a pace to throw 48 touchdowns against only 8 interceptions, and to win 8 games on last-minute two-point conversions?

That Brett Favre projects to an 8-8 mark and 45K Jets fans self-monitoring themselves like the parents of a bedwetting 12-year-old, lest they lose their temper and make him quit (and do awful, awful things to the living room set)?

How Tony Romo is due to fix four flat tires after home wins while sporting a similar number of utterly adorable cuts to his chin (they really bring out his dimples!), all while creating 28 points of offense for the opposition from fumbling in his own end zone in an undefeated season?

Yes, I could go on. And might, if I keep seeing remarkably stupid (even for sportswriting) breathless columns from people who, I can only assume, are trying to inflate Jay Cutler and Brandon Marshall's fantasy trade value. (Um, look, guys? Just keep him and enjoy. Enough.)

Projections are for sales managers. Or marketing honks who are trying to get budget. *Maybe* they come into play, I don't know, around Week 9.

September, as much fun as it is? Not so much. Why not just, I don't know, watch and enjoy the games that are happening, or try to work out keys to next week's game, rather than continue to live in an Excel spreadsheet. From one nerd to another... step away from the computer and try to come up with something (anything) that's more original.

Like, I don't know, a Favre joke or something.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled wanking, which is already in progress.

Pour A 40 On The Ground For The Punter That Ain't Around

Sad news out of Denver today, where the Broncos have decided to cut ties with Gangsta Punter Todd Sauerbrun, the one-time steroid ringleader and Devin Hester Enabler. (And yes, I know what you are thinking -- why on earth didn't they do this after The Hester Game? Probably because he was cycling in some nasty 'roid rage, or maybe because they didn't want to risk not having a veteran idiot presence in a playoff run.)

Here's a fun fact: Sauerbrun was making $1.3 million a year with the Broncos, and probably has the numbers to get another gig somewhere. Besides, let's face it, if you were ever going to have a terrible teammate on an NFL team, he might as well be a kicker. It's not like they are part of the team in the first place, and if they stink, it's easier to toss him out the door if you know he's a dirtbag.

Anyway, if you are in the Denver area tonight, keep your eyes out for a mad guy with a propensity for kicking. Better safe than sorry, really.

Travis Henry Knows How To Hit The Hole

Hat tip, The Big Lead, who found the story from the Atlanta Journal Constitution.

For the non-clickers, the NFL running back and borderline first round fantasy pick turns out to be the father to nine -- count 'em, nine -- kids to nine different women, in four different states. (It's OK, though. According to Henry's lawyer, he's a really committed father. You think?)

Since the only thing we care about on the eve of our fantasy football draft is how this could affect his status as the starting RB in Denver, the top 10 questions we have for this situation...

10) How many kids does Mike Bell have?

9) Is the inability to wear a condom part of the Broncos' innovative zone blocking scheme?

8) Does this mean that the real reason why Denver coach Mike Shanahan never gave the job to Tatum Bell is that... his boys can't swim?

7) In the Denver offense, isn't it true that any decent running back could father six or seven kids?

6) Are all of the kids really Henry's, or did he get vultured by a short-yardage back?

5) When drafting, do you take Henry's "handcuff", or does the queasy factor just overwhelm?

4) Doesn't this all seem like a little... overcompensation, if you catch our drift?

3) How many spawn does Jake Plummer have with him in his Unabomber retirement shack?

2) How, honestly, does Henry have time to learn the playbook, or the energy to remain upright?

1) Is he done for now, or is he determined to field a full team of 45, plus injured reserve?