Just to prove that he knows how to make the money, here's Eminem's latest, which is tangentially acceptable to the blog for his backhanded swipe at Tony Romo. It's just a darn shame that in three years, we'll have to be explaining to people who Romo was. (Also, sadly, probably Em.)
Oh, and Em? Thanks for leaving Donovan out of it. He ain't got no beef with you.
On the off chance that you've missed the early front runner in the Blogfrica Story of the Year, go here. But you might want to do it many hours after eating.
11. Did Isiah Thomas call Curry to offer his congratulation, perhaps with a moving slow clap?
10. Will college basketball honks blame Curry's conduct on going straight to the pros from high school?
9. Given how regrettable he is as a player, will the gay community shove him back into the closet?
8. How does the chauffeur not get out of the way when Curry (allegedly) drops trou, since everyone who plays in the NBA has shown no trouble in moving past him?
7. When the driver asserts the Curry "put moves on me", was it the one where he drops and kicks the ball (ouch!), or the one where he shuffles his feet while someone whistles?
6. As the man has a history of heart issues, can we be sure that he's also, well, something of an INXS fan?
5. Doesn't the driver's story seem unrealistic, since it shows Curry giving an effort?
4. Is Curry's new status as Instant Talk Radio Manna good enough to make Steven A. Smith now value him as worth more than a bag of Cheez Doodles?
3. What will Tyson Chandler now do to raise the bar?
2. Given that, at this writing, he's played three minutes for the Knicks this year and sparked a hilarious sex scandal for just under $9 million a year in salary, when will the Knicks give him a raise?
1. Will opposing fans greet Curry with chants of "Touch / It / Touch / It", "Look At Me", or, sadly and more likely, something that rhymes with "Romo"?
Tonight, I endured hours of NFL Network's online coverage -- and no, it's not something you want to put up with -- to see perhaps the most fun game in the history of Texas Stadium. It'll also be the last.
For the first three quarters, the game was a defensive struggle, and that included watching it... or the bits that NFLN chose to show online, as part of their intermittent "Contractual obligations that we, um, wrote, prevent us from showing you the entire game" live cuts into the action. But when it came down to crunch time, we were riding on most of the live action, and what was shown was chuckle-tastic.
On back to back Had To Have It Plays with their offense finally making plays, and just needing the ball back for the late Houdini score and win, the Cowboy defense gave up kitten-soft long touchdowns to Willis McGahee and LaRon McClain. And just like that, a lock-low under bet went out the door, along with the likely Cowboy playoff hopes.
On the first to McGahee, he went up the gut and was more or less untouched. On the second, McClain arm-raped (because, well, stiff-armed just doesn't do justice for it) Ken Hamlin. The Ravens had 265 yards rushing -- 160 on the last two carries. As Don Meredith wound sing, turn out the lights, the party's over...
The Cowboys are now on the outside looking in in the NFC. Hell, for good measure, the Patriots also got boned, since the Ravens are ahead of them in the wild-card race, and are only a home win against the Giving Up Jags from being a six seed that will likely end the season of whoever survives the AFC East.
In the late going, Tony Romo picked up enough fantasy points to give me a shot in my head to head league, and justified my last-minute move of benching the Ravens defense in my points league. We've even got the goodness of two quick wins in the picks column, and the mild happiness of avoiding a Marion Barber start that would have completely boned me in the head to head match.
Special ups for this game go to Derrick Mason, who shook off a nagging shoulder injury to haul in the first and most important Ravens touchdown with his left arm dangling like a dead thing. If there's a tougher wideout in the league, I haven't seen him. And the balls of brass go to head coach John Harbaugh, who dialed up a perfect fake field goal call in the third quarter to set up the Mason touch.
For the Cowboys, where to start? Despite getting yards from backup Tashard Choice (17 for 90 yards and a touchdown) for most of the night, they showed no confidence in the running game, choosing to run draws from shotgun on 3rd and inches or scramble outs on 3rd and 1. They might have the worst #2 WR in the NFL in Roy Williams, who still brings the big celebration moments for every play he makes -- and considering he had three catches for 12 yards tonight, that kind of thing is noticeable. He also had the final offensive play in the stadium's history for the home team, as he was tackled for a loss on a 4th and 1 pass (and yes, yet again, throwing in short yardage situations).
Romo was fairly horrible in the first half especially, with two picks to Ed Reed in deep heave forced balls to Terrible Owens; he was also out of sync with any receiver not named Jason Witten. Owens did get a touchdown in the late going, but he also quit on several balls and lost another one in the lights. And just when they thought they had something to hold on -- a run defense that had made McClain look like just another back -- they fell apart. They now need the Falcons and Bucs to stumble tomorrow (because, well, neither of those teams is losing in Week 17), and a win on the road in Philadelphia next week. (Sorry, Birds Fans, but since they'd win the head-to-head tie-breaker, the Eagles need wins in their last two games no matter what.)
Given that they couldn't get it done tonight in their house with all of their alumni present, it's a little hard to see how they do it next week, on the road. But that won't stop Eagle Fan from thinking I'm jinxing things if I stay down this path, so I'll just be on my merry little way. My very merry little way...
Updated: Share in the merry!
It just hurts so much to have to write a list like this, really. It's hard, so hard, to have predicted the exact thing that is happening in Dallas. Of course, given that it was pretty much the same thing that happened in Philadelphia and San Francisco, I didn't have to be Nostradamus here...
OK, Jerry. Let's get this straight.
When your star running back has a problem in his foot, he's expected to make it back in nine days.
When his replacement goes for over 160 yards... it's the lack of Star RB for not playing in the game that you lost.
When your star quarterback has a problem in his pinkie, he doesn't make it back for four back-breaking weeks, but that's also OK. Just can't be helped.
The organization sets the team up with a broken-down old quarterback who can't, um, throw.
Rather than point out that the star quarterback might have been at fault for any of the multiple turnovers in a loss, it's the fault of the tight end that's been there for much longer than the quarterback. He must have run the wrong route.
And when your star WR has (yet another) public meltdown on the sidelines in the waning moments of a choke-tastic loss, that just means He Cares A Lot. (And Cowboy Fan? I'm fairly sure that you can convert those OWENS jersey to WILLIAMS at a minimal cost. You do have two of the letters already.)
You know, some part of me wants the Cowboys to actually pull out of this latest tailspin to set up a Win Or Go Home game in Philadelphia in Week 17, just so Eagle Nation has the chance to send this collection of crud home for the year for good.
But with a game against an angry Giants team next week, and a ruthlessly effective Ravens team the week after, I'm just not seeing them being in the running by then...
Were you aware... that Jay Cutler is on a pace to throw 48 touchdowns against only 8 interceptions, and to win 8 games on last-minute two-point conversions?
That Brett Favre projects to an 8-8 mark and 45K Jets fans self-monitoring themselves like the parents of a bedwetting 12-year-old, lest they lose their temper and make him quit (and do awful, awful things to the living room set)?
How Tony Romo is due to fix four flat tires after home wins while sporting a similar number of utterly adorable cuts to his chin (they really bring out his dimples!), all while creating 28 points of offense for the opposition from fumbling in his own end zone in an undefeated season?
Yes, I could go on. And might, if I keep seeing remarkably stupid (even for sportswriting) breathless columns from people who, I can only assume, are trying to inflate Jay Cutler and Brandon Marshall's fantasy trade value. (Um, look, guys? Just keep him and enjoy. Enough.)
Projections are for sales managers. Or marketing honks who are trying to get budget. *Maybe* they come into play, I don't know, around Week 9.
September, as much fun as it is? Not so much. Why not just, I don't know, watch and enjoy the games that are happening, or try to work out keys to next week's game, rather than continue to live in an Excel spreadsheet. From one nerd to another... step away from the computer and try to come up with something (anything) that's more original.
Like, I don't know, a Favre joke or something.
We now return you to your regularly scheduled wanking, which is already in progress.
My enthusiasm over the not so Giant honeymoon has, sadly, been tempered by the knowledge that the Dallas Cowboys are constructing the best team in the history of life, the universe, and everything. It's as if my Eagles, with some exceptional free agent pickups, a stable coaching and ownership situation with less child drug felony distractions, and any amount of health and/or luck... nah. Not against the gods among men in Dallas.
I mean, have you looked at this roster? There will be fourteen Pro Bowlers -- fourteen! -- once they finish the Adam Jones transformation. There is the tested experience of a franchise that does not have a playoff win in this millennium, and the sheer managerial brilliance of Jerry Jones, who took an emerging roster filled with Bill Parcells guys (in other words, people who are not exceptionally likely to get arrested) and added Mr. Jones, Tank Johnson, and some secret "Island of Dr. Moreau" half-man half-animals to the practice squad. (What, that's not common knowledge yet? Damm. I guess it's time for another trip to the team's secret orientation complex in Mexico...)
Everywhere you look, everything is turning up Cowboys. Terrell Owens got a big new contract and extra attention from the league office for missing a drug test. Jones had an ex-associate die. Roy Williams gets to go to the bench like a good little soldier so that the team can slide in a rusty, demonikered Jones. Maybe he'll work up some new penalty for the NFL to invent on his behalf!
Terry Glenn threw a fit over a contract, leading the #2 WR slot firmly in the hands of Patrick Crayton, who didn't have any consistency or drop issues last season. Tony Romo continued his commitment to celebrity poon, which can't possible have PR repercussions in light of his past playoff performances. Tank Johnson is said to be getting comfortable and ready to take on a leadership role, presumably by force. Marian Barber gets all the touches now that Julius Jones is in Seattle, so he won't wear down at all. They start the season on the road in Cleveland and at home against the Eagles, which is just an easy-peasy way to go, really.
Oh, and it's also Year Two of the Wade Phillips Era, where he can really show his skills.
Nope, it's their year, all right. No way they are being set up for a massive disappointment-fest. I'm not looking forward to this season at all...
The first approach: Leave Romo ALONE! HE'S A HUMAN! Anyone who wants to deal with Romo has to deal *with me*. LEAVE ROMO ALONE RIGHT NOW!
Second, less obvious and yet still highly valid, especially for Eagles Fans (audio much more than video)...
Hey, TO? I think we all liked you better when you were throwing your QB under the bus. That seemed less, you know, like an absolute self-delusional lie than this, where clearly someone has gotten into your mic and told you that you won't make the Hall of Fame by being the worst teammate in the world in public.
As for Romo, this is also a lay up... He's 0-2 in playoff games, 0-2 in relationships with useless blonde quasi-celebrities... but on the bright side, Cabo does make people forget FumbleGate, right? Right???
More random moments that convince us that (a) this is no longer Our Country, and (b) athletes should be seen and never, ever, ever heard...
10. Yoko Romo
9. Tony So-So
8. Joe Pisarcik
7. Oh No Ro Mo
6. Tony Ro v. Snap
5. Bony Blow Mo
4. Not Enough Bro'
3. Laces Out
2. Tony No Mo
1. Tommy Hutton
Anyone who hasn't been to www.tonyhomo.com, of course, needs to. Outstanding.
Add your own in the comments, of course.
