Dirk Dangerously

Far be it for me, really, to disparage another man's choice of poon. I have come back from the happy hunting grounds with less than the legal limit, shall we say. But, really, Dirk Nowitzki... this is what you wind up with, as an All-NBA big man with eight-figure annual salaries?

(If you must dwell, the link takes you to her sobbing jailhouse interviews in which she's pregnant, Dirk knew all about her past and called her "his little jailbird", and the scandalous mess of it all is all due to a vengeful German coach. Um, whatever.)

When Pigs STFU

I missed last night's mercy kill of the Mavericks last night in Denver, and will miss more NBA action this weekend due to going to site contributor Dirty Davey's wedding, but the wire feed has this juicy little moment.

Cuban, who skipped Game 5 to attend an awards ceremony in Las Vegas, had written in his blog this week that the Nuggets' families and friends could sit in his private suite "when the series returns to Dallas."

Can they still sit there to watch the rest of the NBA playoffs, Cubes? And why, exactly, are you opening up your suite to punks and thugs, anyway?

We all know, by the way, why you don't watch the game there -- no cameras.

I shouldn't be so hard on the Cube, however, since he gives NBA Fans so much. Mostly in the form of an annual holiday when his team is eliminated...

Small Consolation

Tonight in Dallas, the only guy on the Mavericks' roster who didn't more or less embarrass himself at the end of Game Three ensured that there would be a Game Five. Dirk Nowitzki poured in 44 points, 19 in the fourth, including the go-ahead tough make with 65 seconds left. The series moves back to Denver with the Mavs still more or less drawing dead, down 3-1, but at some point, some NBA team is going to have to blow a 3-0 lead, and this Nuggets team does have some Quitter DNA in it, at least prior to the Chauncey Billups transfusion.

Having said that.... it's not going to be these Nuggets, who led most of the game, and have led most of the series. They also have a legitimate crunch time assassin in Carmelo Anthony, who dueled Nowitzki with a career-high 41 points his own damn self.

And in the part of the game that the rest of the non-Association world cares about, yes, there was ugliness -- seven technical fouls, multiple flagrants, a dumb elbow from Anthony and even concerns that civilians will be messed with, all thanks to the bad loser act from Mark Cuban after the Mavs got jobbed at the close of Game 3. Denver will be highly motivated to avoid another trip to Texas, and Nugget Fan will be more than inspired to bring his A Game of Ugly for the incoming Mavs. At least Cuban won't be there, thanks to a highly convenient prior commitment in Vegas. Classic move on his part to light the fuse and walk away.

Still, in a series that seems good on the surface, but kind of nasty underneath -- who, exactly, am I supposed to root for here? Cuban? Furious George Karl? The collection of Nuggets reprobates? -- it's good to see Nowitzki have a decent day. What with him being involved with a grifter, no one would have blamed him for taking his owner's lead in crying over the Game Three ref job. I still think the Nuggets are winning this series, probably going away, but at least Nowitzki will be able to leave the year with some semblance of pride.

Blogrolling Is unpopular on many levels

Fewer people listen to Jose Canseco than read this blog. Jose, I weep for us both.

Major League Jerk finds an even more rotted tooth than the Bad Tooth. If you're missing your quota of Mass Hate from me this week, by all means click, and take pity the poor Boston fan/columnist, needing his small comforts of shadenfraude on a Sunday in May when his NBA team gets back to even in the Final 8, his MLB team wins a tight game against their division rival, his NHL team won a playoff game, and his NFL team moves another day closer to a year where they'll win their division in a walk. Clearly, they needed to bask in the misery of a team and fanbase that isn't even in their freaking league to somehow get through another day in their vale of tears.

In other news, the temperature in their collective asshole is 75 degrees, with light humidity and a strong southerly breeze. The weather is always nice it's the reason why they spend so much time there!


EMBED-Fan Does A Bruce Lee Flying Kick At Yankee Game - Watch more free videos

It's good to see that the fans at the new Yankee Stadium can still fight each other, rather than have their staff do it for them. I am a little disappointed that the spectators didn't chant "E-C-W! E-C-W! E-C-W!" after the flying kick, though.

An unprovoked Mark Cuban confronts Kenyon Martin's mother to tell her that her son is a thug or a punk. Happy Mother's Day! You know what else he is, Cubes? A member of a team with a playoff pulse. Also, a member of a team who doesn't have a complete asshat for an owner. The only way this story gets better is if the Angry Yellow Man decides to take matters into his own hands in Game Four. Does God love us all that much? Only time will tell.

(Kudos, by the way, to embattled Dallas forward Dirk Nowitzki, for having oceans more class than his owner. With luck, maybe this will enrage the UFL commish enough to move him.)

Update -- God does love us, and Kenyon's said, "I'm going to take care of it." The quote continues, "By violently assaulting him until his smarmy little head leaks brain juice out of his eyes, ears, nose, mouth and a new hole I'm going to call 'Kenyon's Fun Zone'." Oops, I'm sorry, that last part was just in my own mind.

Mike Florio from the Sporting News fingers six 2009 NFL playoff teams that he doesn't think will make it back. My team isn't on it, so he must be right.

Shockingly, the Mavs aren't happy with the refs

I did what NBA detractors say you should always do with Game 3 of the Mavs vs. Nuggets series -- turned it on at the end of the third quarter. (Blame it on Mother's Day prep, and the fact that watching Mark Cuban gives me hives.)

So I tuned in at 80-79, just in time for the Lemur to tell me how the Nugs have ran the Mavs out of the building in the fourth in each of the earlier games, and it looked like more of the same as Carmelo Anthony exerted his will on both ends. But Melo giveth and Melo giveth away, and his bad turnover got the home team back in it. The Denver bigs were also in big foul trouble, with Birdman Anderson fouling out with nine minutes left, and Nene replacing him with five.

I have to say, I'm relieved to have missed a lot of this one. When the game has 80+ free throws and the teams are never more than six points apart, that's old-time Pistons basketball, and when you add that to reaction shots of Mark Cuban, that's not exactly what I think of as an afternoon well-spent. But at least the fourth quarter had some flow and drama.

In crunch time, Chauncey Billups crushed the Mavs -- he had 32 tonight -- as part of the continuing proof that Jason Kidd can't guard anyone, but at least he can punish people in the post. Both teams got the D up late, with matching turnovers, and with 1:28 left, Anthony got called for a foul on a loose ball on the floor, his fifth, on a fairly weak call; the subsequent free throw put the lead back to three at a time where the Mavs looked fairly lost on offense. Billups then missed from point blank range, and Nowitzki missed badly on a shot that would have been a dagger. Nene then showed his previously dormant chops on a baseline spin move to cut it to 1. Jason Terry then made a corner three with 31 second left to make it a four-point game, and you start to think this series was going to go longer. But Carmelo Anthony had other ideas.

The Syracuse man converted to get it back to two. Dallas called time to run the highly innovative play of Give It To Dirk And Hope; Kenyon Martin's defense forced a miss there, and the Nuggets got the board with 6.5 seconds left. Dallas, and this is critical, had a foul to give. The Nuggets inbounded to Melo, and as he rolled around the top of the arc, Dallas's Antoine Wright committed a foul... but the refs didn't call it, and 'Melo kept playing, rising up to hit an off-balance three that was absolutely huge. The last play og the game was Dirk missing again, and just like that, it's 3-0 Denver, and all over except for the crying (from Josh Howard and Mark Cuban, who admittedly is an old hand at feeling aggrieved by the refs).

Now, I have to say, I've got no sympathy for the Mavs on this one. If you're going to foul a guy, you need to make it more obvious than what he did to Anthony. You also probably need to go tell the ref in the dead ball before it happens. And if Nowitki can do anything in the fourth -- he ha 33 and 16 tonight, but none when it mattered -- the road team isn't close enough to steal it.

As for the Nuggets, they continue to look like an interesting dark horse, except for the fact that Kobe Bryant treats them like he treated that girl a few years ago. (Hey-o!) If they can sweep the Rockets and the Lakes get taken deep by Houston, maybe they can steal the first game on the road and make it a series. But since Yao Ming is now out for the rest of the playoffs due to a broken foot, I'm thinking it's looking more like two fast series in the West. And that's not such a bad thing, because less Mark Cuban on the television is just good for everyone, really.

Evening Up

We'll lead off with a mostly irrelevant video that fills my heart with blood. Enjoy.



Tonight in the NBA Playoffs, the old men of the Association (Boston and San Antonio) got back to even in their series against Chicago and Dallas, respectively. But there was a world of difference in how they did it.

In Boston, it was a gunfight between Ray Allen and Ben Gordon, with Allen making the last shot to save the home town team. After 96 minutes of basketball, it's clear that the Bulls have, for perhaps the first time ever in the playoffs (and that includes their Jordan teams), a real edge in the front-court, and that was with the C's getting great games out of Kendrick Perkins and Big Baby Davis.

If Perk and Baby give the Celts that game on the road... well, we should all feel better about stem cell research finding a cure for cancer, since everything will now be officially on the table. The Celts will be tight and probably steal back home-court behind a Paul Pierce uprising, but Celtic Fan isn't suffering from overconfidence anymore, and if Rajon Rondo stiffens up from that scary fall he took in this one, it could be over quickly. Derrick Rose ain't no punk, y'all.

(What will happen? Vinny del Negro will somehow blow a game at home, the C's will ride some highly dubious officiating, and the favorites will advance. But lo, they will sweat hard over it.)

In San Antonio, it was the Tony Parker Show, as the quicksilver point ended this Jo Jo Barea nonsense with 38 points and 10 assists in a going-away win for the home team. It's easy to imagine that Dallas, having gotten Game One, just weren't all that interested in putting forth the full energy in trying to get the 2-0 hammerlock, but after watching what Parker did to them tonight, I'm off the ledge from my Spurs pick for the series.

In the NBA playoffs, it's usually Team With The Best Player Wins, and no one was better than Tony Parker tonight. Ever since the We'll Regret It For A Decade deal with New Jersey to send Devin Harris east for the final years of Jason Kidd, the Mavs have absolutely no one who can keep Parker in front of him. They'll certainly be closer when Dirk Nowitzki gives them more than a 3-for-14 effort, but it's not like the Spurs have seen a vintage Tim Duncan game yet, and I'm just not in the chorus of people thinking that he's done. I also just think that the second-tier Spurs scorers (Finley, Gooden, Bonner) are going to step up and win them a road game.

See you tomorrow night, as the Finalists show up to remind us all why none of this matters...

Gutless

Today while I'm banging out the week's list work for 205th (yes, those will now be coming on an every weekday basis; check back for the links as they go live), I had the Suns-Mavericks game on. Phoenix is three games behind for the 8th spot, which Dallas holds, with six games left to play. So you're expecting a desperate Suns team, ready to give their best effort and get the win that will prolong their season.

Instead, um, they did this on "defense": 81 points on 30 of 47 shooting, with Jason Kidd having a season high in assists (16) *in the first half*.

Keep this in mind, please, when you hear anything about how good Shaquille O'Neal is, or how wonderful Steve Nash is as a player. Dallas didn't do anything terribly special in the first half, other than just run an ordinary offense and make their wide-open shots. Nash was never very good defensively, but now that he's in his dotage, he might be the worst on the ball defender in the league. Jason Richardson used to give an effort on defense; not anymore. Grant Hill might be their best defender, in that I actually saw him take a charge in this game. He's also, of course, ancient and frail. I think the Suns miss Amare Stoudemire on defense, and he's terrible at that as well.

Dallas will be a kitten-soft out for the Lakers in round 1, despite their recent competence at home. Phoenix would be as well, but if you were to tell me that any team in the Association, with their playoff hopes on the line, would be giving up uncontested layups and getting beaten down the floor by people like Erick Dampier...

Well, it does remind one how often Shaq's teams have gone out in meek sweeps. When the big man quits, he quits with a vengeance. Enjoy the links, gentlemen.

Epic Drop: Top 10 Next Moves For Josh Howard

This link is much more understandable after you view this YouTube clip.



And now that you know... enjoy the link that's equal parts slamming an idiot in Josh Howard, and the other half slamming the state that he lives in and the times that we endure, in that the Union is clearly threatened by a nonsensical moment from a nonsensical player. (Oh, and bonus points to Mark Cuban, who thinks this whole problem can be blamed on... you guessed it, cell phone cameras and YouTube. Cube's brain isn't what it used to be, folks.)

Our top choice

Fresh from the AP wire... "Mavericks say Carlisle was 'top choice'". Which leads me to the following three questions...

1) Has any team ever admitted that their coaching choice wasn't their top choice? It's like having a team say that they weren't thrilled that the guy they picked was available when they drafted. For once, I'd like to see a team admit that they'd rather have Gregg Popovich or Phil Jackson or a live Red Auerbach, but that they just weren't available. I'm not asking for much here, but a single moment of veracity would do wonders.

2) Given that the Mavs only interviewed Carlisle, doesn't the fact that he was their top choice kind of, well, not terribly newsworthy?

3) Since all of Carlisle's experience has been with the grind-it-out Pistons and Pacers, um... why on earth was he your top choice?

(My take? He's a reasonable defensive guy and has been through the wars; he makes them a little better, if only because Avery Johnson was a liability for the past two years. But unless he's got some way to take 10 years off Jason Kidd's legs, it won't matter that much, really. The Mavs are a low seed and an easy out.)

The Mavs Take The Fork

In the last of a 4-game marathon session today, the Hornets took a hammerlock on their series with the Mavs in a game that, finally, should make it clear to even Dallas Fan that their team is a lot closer to the lottery than a serious playoff run.

With 4.5 seconds left in the third quarter, Jason Kidd was able to get in front of Chris Paul just enough to help him roll an ankle, for his first foul of the game. It's telling when your point guard who is getting killed isn't even picking up fouls; either he's too slow to get there, or just doesn't give a damn. And from watching this game, I'd say both.

The Hornets won this game on more than Paul, though. They won on Peja Stojakovic hitting the wide open shots that Paul got for him. They won on David West being able to go 1 on 1 on Irk Nowitzki (the D was non-existent), and eating the lunch of every Dallas big man who tried to guard him. And they won on Byron Scott outcoaching Avery Johnson, simply because Avery Johnson might be the biggest over-coacher in the Association. The Bugs just made the Mavs look slow and old all over the floor, and it isn't just Paul; it's also useful bench guy Jannero Pargo and livebody Julian Wright. In what passed for crunch time tonight, the Hornets didn't have a bad matchup anywhere on the floor.

For the Mavs, hope is not looking strong, as noted pot enthusiast Josh Howard was horrible, Jason Terry didn't give them the same boost that he did in Game 3, and I couldn't tell you who their best player was, because they didn't really have one. Dallas has also lost 8 straight road playoff games -- so the chance of this one going longer than 5 isn't looking too great. A pity, too, since the Hornets lack playoff experience. It's clearly killing them. (And no, I don't give them a chance in hell against the Spurs.)

Also noteworthy late -- Jason Kidd's picked up a flagrant 2 on a Pargo drive, earning him an ejection. It was deserved: he put the left hand around Pargo's neck and yanked, and if there was a greater exclamation point on how that trade hasn't worked out for the Mavs, I can't imagine it. The Mavs would have been better off with Devin Harris (not that Harris locked down Paul, either) on both ends of the floor right now, because Jason Kidd is simply a terrible basketball player now. (Also, after Kidd's assault, the refs forgot about giving the Mavs' anything close to a call.) This series is over.

Two final points: Kudos to TNT for breaking out the Matt Geiger tape of the last time the Bug Franchise won in Dallas. I can't get enough Matt Geiger footage, really. And what the hell has happened to Mark Cuban's hair? Either the dude is pulling it out over this series, or just losing it from worrying about bloggers. Either way, it couldn't happen to a nicer freak... and man alive, as I'm writing this and wrapping things up, a Dallas fan gets ejected from jawing at the team and Cuban in particular. It's a shame, Cubes. Watching you cry at the end of a first round loss was becoming such a nice little annual tradition.

One Toke Over The Line

Big win tonight in the have-to-have Game 3 for the Mavs, who shook off Josh Howard's marijuana admissions to more or less handle the Hornets. New Orleans has never won in Dallas. While the Bugs don't have to for advancement, it'd help loads, especially seeing how the Spurs will be clearing things out any minute now in their series.

A quick word about Howard's wacky weed admission. I'm frankly more concerned about his level of judgment in admitting the use in public, rather than any effect from the drug. Robert Parish was pulled over with pot in his '40s. Did it really hurt his longevity? Of course not. But if Howard is dumb enough to talk about it on the freaking radio, he's dumb enough to do other things, really.

It'll also be highly curious as to see the length and timing of his eventual Stern-mandated suspension. You know, for distracting the sporting public from the glory of the playoffs. Unlike Stern's No Vaseline job on Seattle.

Getting back to the court... despite the level of comfort in the win -- seriously, when your best player is Jannero Pargo, it's really not your night -- I still like the Hornets' chances in this one. They got very little out of Chris Paul tonight, and not much more out of David West or Peja Stojakovic. And yet, they were still in it for crunch time, because while the Mavs do have a fully engaged Dirk Nowitzki, they really don't have much more than that.

The game was also notable for the only highlight that most people will see of it, which had Dallas center and big-time contract year hero Erick Dampier picking up a flagrant on Paul late. As hard fouls go, it really wasn't all that intense, but when a guy is a foot and 100 pounds heavier than the other guy, hard shoves do tend to get exaggerated.

And in a sure sign of the Apocalypse, I actually have to give it up to Stephen A. Smith for a line he had about the incident. Jalen Rose defended the play as saying "No layups!" Smith replied, "What about the rest of his career -- he's going to start enforcing that now?" Stephen, anyone who remember the Damp Era in the Bay Area is giving you the Nod of Approval right about now...

Macbethketball: The 2008 NBA Playoff Preview

Recently, I took the Shooter Wife to see Patrick Stewart (yes, Star Trek's Captain Jean-Luc Picard -- shut up, he's actually a fantastic Shakespearean actor) in Macbeth, which is playing on Broadway as a straight drama. It was freaking awesome. The show has gotten great reviews, and Macbeth was always one of my favorites in high school and college. Hamlet's OK and all, but for sheer blood and guts, you aren't getting better than the guy with the wife with the hand problem. Spoiler alert: the play ends with Macbeth's enemies parading around with his bloody, decapitated head. It's hard to mess that up, and they don't.

Anyway, I figure if people can milk crappy movies and worse reality shows for blog grist, far be it from me to look a gift witch in the mouth. So without further toil or trouble, here's your Scottish Playoff Preview for a season in which there will be blood.

Chance may crown me: The (L)Eastern Conference

False face must hide what the false heart doth know: Celtics (1) vs. Hawks (8)

Now that the Pacers have managed to just miss getting that coveted 8th seed evisceration at the hands of the latest New England overlords (and no, I'm not going to notice how the Bruins are also in the playoffs, because that would involve watching hockey)... well, can Kevin McHale and Larry Bird just drop the act and admit that they are still on the Celtics payroll? Admittedly, it's far more obvious with McHale, but after giving away Kevin Garnett for less than what he could have gotten from Western Conference teams, it should be obvious -- no trades allowed for GMs with strong ties to a team from their playing days. Or, even better yet,no GMs allowed who used to be players. (And before you rub my nose with Joe Dumars, imagine that Pistons team with Carmelo Anthony or Chris Bosh. Instead, you got Darko. Gahhh.)

Astute readers will notice that I've said nothing about the Hawks so far. Or since. (But on the plus side, it's 4 more games than you've had for what, decades?) Celtics in 4.

Blood Will Have Blood: Detroit (2) vs. Philadelphia (7)

Here's a little-realized fact: the Pistons have ended the Sixers last two playoff appearances, first in 2002-03, and again in 2004-05. As both of those teams were in the waning days of AI1 and involved copious amounts of Larry Brown Hangover, it really does seem like a long time ago, but they really aren't... because those Pistons teams and this one do pretty similar things. The first being half-court defense, the second being taking care of the ball, and third being hitting their free throws when they need to ice the game late.

Philly actually matches up reasonably well with this Pistons team, since Sam Dalembert and Reggie Evans give them reasonable big man defense, and the backcourt duel between Miller/Iguodala vs. Hamilton/Billips is just old-school pleasure. But when the Pistons go to the bench, the Sixers can't match the energy. Also, sadly, Mo Cheeks just isn't that great of an in-game coach, and the percentages (i.e., the Sixers are bad from 3 and the line) will just cost them 5 to 7 points a game that they won't be able to get back. Pistons in 6.

Look like the innocent flower, but be the serpent under 't: Magic (3) vs. Raptors (6)

Orlando won 52 games for the first time since Shaq was young and frisky and working with Dwayne Wade 1.0 (aka Penny Hardaway), and Dwight Howard is Superman and all. But the Dinos can come closer than most to neutralizing him with Chris Bosh, seriously exploit the Magic at point guard, and sic Jamario Moon on the phenomenally overpaid Rashard Lewis.

The Magic will need good play from Hedo Turkoglu, and while he's been gret this year, the track record of ex-Kings in the playoffs (see Peja, Airball) isn't a good one. There's also this: Toronto has a sneaky great home court advantage, and Jose Calderon is playing out of his mind right now. They might even get something out of Rasho Nesterovic (epic contract run) and Andrea Bargani (who is a terrible rebounder for a 7-footer, but a pretty good rebounder for someone named Andrea). Raptors in 6.

Something Wicked This Way Comes: Cleveland (4) vs. Washington (5)

Ever since the Tim Donaghy Spurs/Suns abomination, conspiracy theorists have been able to do anything they want with the NBA, because it's all on the table now. This year's fuel for the suspicious will be the return engagement of LeBron James and raising a supporting cast that, while better than nearly all of the teams in the D-League, would still have a fight on its hands to win the championship there. How bad are the Cavs without Lebron? Well, Joe Smith is probably your go-to guy in crunch time. No, really.

They get the same Wizards team that they've ran through before, in a repeat of an oddly entertaining match-up that saw pre-surgery Agent Zero nearly match King James in a no-defense dance dance revolution. The Wiz are a more balanced team now, since they've had to live without Arenas all year, and Caron Butler and Antwan Jamison are under-the-radar great. But even if I didn't believe in conspiracies, I do believe that James is the best player in the Association. Cavs in 6.

Fair is foul, and foul is fair: The West

Is This A Dagger I See Before Me: Lakers (1) vs. Nuggets (8)

Nothing is quite so fun for this little blogger than choosing a preference for the good teammate who has won a playoff series recently without doing the trade-me keep-me trade-me do se do over, you know, Alleged Rapist Kobe Bryant. I have people still blasting me out of the blue for thinking LeBron is more valuable for winning 45 games with Boobies, Smiths and the dessicated remains of Ben Wallace, rather than winning 57 with what was frequently the best front court in the West.

Yes, Kobe Lovers, I am feeling the burn. And so is your man, scrubbing his hands raw trying to look like a good teammate and decent human being. Sorry. We're not buying it. And in two years, when Lamar Odom has smoked his third strike, Andrew Bynum still isn't the guy you thought he'd be and the Lake Show are back on that 6th seed, one and done treadmill? The spot will still be there, Lady 8.

Anyway... the Nuggets might be the best offensive team ever to have an 8 seed, and if they were in the East, they might do damage. But they can't stop the Lake Show big men, Carmelo Anthony's DUI is really not well timed, and 9 times out of 10, when Kobe wants to put the clamps on Iverson late in the game, he succeeds. Lakers in 5.

Too Full O' The Milk of Human Kindness: Hornets (2) vs. Mavs (7)

It's been a great year for the Hornets, who rode MVP candidate Chris Paul to an 56-26 record and a 2nd seed in the West. David West is the best player in the Association that no one knows about, Tyson Chandler has completely blossomed now that he has a real honest to goodness point guard, and even cranky 'ol Peja Stojakovic has looked frisky.

And I was so sure it was going to end early. But then they went and got the perfect draw -- Dallas.

Let us say this plainly: Jason Kidd can't stay in front of Chris Paul. The Mavs would be better off sending Josh Howard -- or Curly Howard -- at CP3. So while The Hornets do not have the kind of home court or playoff experience that translates to a long run, especially when your grizzled playoff vet (Peja) has a lot of playoff experience in which he self-Heimliched, I can't pick against them. Even with Dirk Nowitzki looking MVPish lately.

It'll be close and grueling and you are crazy if you bet it, and that's amazing for a 2-7 matchup. But not so amazing when only 5 games separate them in the loss column. It also won't really matter who wins, because they are going down in the second round anyway. But for the record, Hornets in 7.

Will all great Neptune's ocean wash this blood clean from my hand? / Out, damned spot! out, I say! All the perfumes of Arabia will not sweeten this little hand: Spurs (3) vs. Suns (6)

Here's how crazy the West is: the difference in the won-loss column between the 3 and 6 seeds is a game. One freaking game. We are also, of course, revisiting the scene of last year's crime, with the Tim Donaghy / David Stern experience. I suppose that, after the Sonic Screw Job, the Donaghy Series is no longer Stern's Greatest Atrocity, but the stain is still there...

The Suns seem to have gelled just in time, and getting the Spurs in the first round helps loads, because Mike D'Antoni seems to be actively trying to prove that benches are for Communists. The Spurs, of course, have Manu Ginobili to get all of the back-breaking late points, and their usual killer defense.

There is also the feeling, that in all of the hullabaloo of the West's upping the ante trades -- Gasol to the Lakers! Shaq to the Suns! Kidd to the Mavs! -- there's still the Spurs, sitting back and watching everyone do their little dance, knowing that they can not be killed by any man borne of a woman. Is there a C-section superstar out there?

The answer is yes, because they win every other year, not every year -- and the Association is going to give Phoenix that nowhere near equal make-up call here. Besides, you were expecting a Macbeth-themed preview to go well for Duncan? Suns in 6.

Double, Double toil and Trouble: Utah (4) vs. Houston (5)

Ah, Tracy McGrady in a winnable first round series. I'd say more, but why?

OK, fine... Deron Williams will treat Rafer Alston like the Macbeths treat their house guests, and while Andrei Kirilenko and Mehmet Okur are just waiting to kill Jerry Sloan with DNP-Choke Decisions in a playoff series, it won't be in the first round. But really, once Yao went down, I've been waiting for the Rockets to die; team play and good defense are great, but the playoffs are about stars, and T-Mac's just not that guy. Williams, on the other hand, is. Jazz in 6.

Bonus Quotes for the Bard Enthusiast...

Canst thou not minister to a mind diseased / Pluck from the memory a rooted sorrow / Raze out the written troubles of the brain / And with some sweet oblivious antidote / Cleanse the stuffed bosom of that perilous stuff / Which weighs upon the heart?

Macbeth's pathetic plea to a doctor to fix his wife from her guilt-crazed wanderings goes to the Mavs, and that was before they had Kidd with his marital woes.

I have almost forgot the taste of fears. -- The Spurs. Yup, I'm just not feeling a repeat.

Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow...

The first round, assuming one of these exceptional series goes the full 7 games, concludes in a lightning-fast 17 days from now. If you've ever wondered why NBA teams don't really work on developing their bench the way they used to, it's simple: the playoff scheduling in the modern cable era has meant that it's really not important.

And finally, jumping ahead to the begetting of the new king...

Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player that struts and frets his hour upon the stage / And then is heard no more: it is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.

The finest speech in the history of nihilism goes for... everyone except the (sigh) Celtics. Short of LeBron playing the finest basketball of his life in a Round 2 matchup, or Detroit rolling back the clock in the same third round where they completely ran out of gas last year, they won't really be tested until the Finals. Once they are there, they will get a team/survivor that has been through the meat grinder for two months.

Combine that with their suffocating defense and sneakily tolerable bench, and you've got something that even Doc Rivers can't screw up.

(And if you are seeing this as another Masstermind-level ploy to help break the hearts of Massholes... well, false heart and all that.)

Looking for my new Isiah

As the recent speculation has shown, I may need a new NBA go-to guy to help fill the bloghole. Here's my top prospects.

1) Pat Riley. From stabbing his coach in the back for a championship run to failing to ignore the de rigue Shaq Smack as he's leaving town, the man with the hairstyle from the mid '50s and '80s is slowly but surely rising in the ranks of Embarrassing Old Men.

With his Heat now dogged by the "injury bug" that always envelopes terrible teams and organizations (perfected by the pre-Nellie Warriors, and practiced by half of the Eastern Conference last year in the hopes to get Durant or Oden), and the clock ticking down on when Dwayne Wade will engineer one of those Unhappy Star Trades, Riles really needs to hang it up before anyone does the math and realizes that he's, well, doing a terrible job.

No one seems to be paying any attention to the breathtaking mail-in job that the Heat players are doing this year (tonight's half-time score: 50-30), but honestly... they are so bad, they don't even have a player you can own in roto leagues right now. I can't remember ever saying that about a team before.

2) Larry Bird. The hick who can't GM worth a lick is only the third worst star player / GM in the league, since Isiah and McHale both remain employed, but those teams haven't managed to shoot up the neighborhood the way that Bird's men have. Bird gets special bonus points for not only franchising the perpetual disappointment that is Jermaine O'Neal, but also keeping him forever, making sure that his millstone doesn't have any real trade value, either. And if the Pacers somehow stagger into the 8th spot in the East for a 3-and-flush effort against the Celtics... well, really, are the Pacers better off, given who is at the helm, with some balls in the lottery hopper?

3) Mark Cuban. But the prize will, in all likelihood, go to the man who has done nothing for the past 2+ years but damage to his reputation. From the perpetual puling in the Finals to the refs giving ever call to Wade (he probably had a point, but he made it so badly, no one cared), to the courtside crying against the Warriors last year, to this year's hair-pulling fight with sports bloggers... well, let's just say that I'm beginning to think that Mavs' fans might be pining for the return of Ross Perot, really.

And maybe, just maybe, they'll lose tonight to the Warriors and find themselves out of the playoffs. Gosh, could we still have a playoff season in the NBA without being able to root against the utterly unlikable Mavs?

Seriously, Cubes, what good does it do you to engage in baiting the blogosphere with your locker room ban, and equating the entire output of all of the writers as one monolithic product o' gossip? Once again, sloppy generalizations from someone who should know better (see Costas, Bob) come into play.

Sure, some of us are just going for cheap laughs. Others are going to geek it up with Moneyball-esque stat work. Still more are going to be little more than talk radio (which, I'm noting, you don't seem to be willing to bait so openly, maybe because you've got just enough sense to fight only when you've got numbers).

Most of us don't need (or, in my case, want) locker room access to do what we do. Nor do we need to be baited by a dot-com billionaire, Ayn Rand-lover, egomaniac celebrity dancer and remarkably insufferable human being. Why don't you just go back to starting a new football league, not buying a baseball team, or following around Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson for media coverage?



In any event, Cubes, I'm sure you'll give me and mine plenty more to write about. Just not so much about, you know, basketball.

Epic Drop: Top 10 Signs That Mark Cuban Is Starting To Lose It

Your link is here, and on a more serious point, if Dirk Nowitzki is really out for any length of time, there's no way the Mavs should be able to hold off the Warriors and Nuggets for the last spot in the West.

They haven't beaten a team with a winning record since the Kidd trade, Avery Johnson has actually played Tyronn Lue instead of Kidd in crunch time (for the simple reason that Kidd might be the worst point guard in the league on offense in the half court right now), and the Cube has been seen and heard having screaming matches with his coach. Good times!



And if they make the playoffs, they're an auto-out... and that's whether or not Nowitzki is on the floor. At least the Nuggets might give someone a scare.

The Spurs Will Retire You

Last Saturday night, the Spurs retired Avery Johnson's #6 jersey, as a way to thank him for his ten years of playing service to the team, and his role in the 1999 championship over the Knicks. (You can read about that series in Phil Jackson's upcoming book, "Things That Happened But Do Not Matter, Because I Said So.")

There is, of course, one glaring problem with putting the Little General up in the rafters, along with George "Iceman" Gervin (damn, now *that's* a nickname), Johnny Moore, David Robinson and Sean Elliot... and that's his current job, as the head coach of the hated rival Dallas Mavericks.

Seriously, Spurs Fan, what the hell? Johnson's Mavs may have no stomach for dealing with Nellieball in the playoffs and look for all the world like they left their heart in Oakland, but they match up better with you than any other team in the West... and you're putting their coach in your rafters? Either the organization thinks so highly of him that they want to make sure he'll jump over once Gregg Popovich is finally ready to move on, they don't see the Mavs as a serious threat, or they think that the job that a head coach does is so minor, so lacking in impact, that they can just disregard the gig.

And that's all I have to say about that. Any Spurs fans out there that want to let me know what the deal is, I'd appreciate it.

Befuddling NBA Free Agent Signings

This post is in honor of the Phillies player with perhaps the best nickname ever in the history of the franchise, Pearce "What's The Use" Chiles. (Hat tip, Ron Schuler's Parlor Tricks, a fine blog for people who like old-time baseball criminals. I eat that stuff with a fork.)

Past NBA posts in this off-season have stressed the idea that NBA General Managers are captivated by brand name players -- to wit, that they'll overpay for a known quantity, rather than roll the dice with a younger, cheaper energy guy. Or that they'll just break the bank for role players, then wonder where the cap money went.

As a Sixers fan, we can just call these the Kevin Ollie All-Stars -- scrubs that no one would ever win with, without any real promise for the future... and yet they're getting contracts. Because in the NBA, Players Nine Through Twelve are all about getting along. Pearce Chiles will have more to do with whether these teams win or lose than these guys.

Here's the list that I'm sure will grow soon...

Bulls sign Joe Smith. I guess he's here to teach Ty Thomas and Joakim Noah. Funny, I thought that was the job of, um, coaches.

Mavs resign Devean George. 2000 was a long time ago, and he wasn't good then, either.

Denver signs Chucky Atkins. Because old point guards are kind of like old left-handed relievers in baseball -- you can be crappy for a long time before everyone finally gets wind and stop paying you.

Indy signs Kareem Rush. Well, sure. Devean George not being available and all.

Milwaukee signs Jake Voskuhl. Well, he'll give them more than Yi. Can they sign Jake Tsakalidis as well, so they can do the whole identical twin tag team and befuddle the refs? I'm still waiting for someone to get the Collins brothers back together and try this.

Phoenix signs Sean Marks. This one makes sense, actually -- it helps them corner that all important Australia / New Zealand fan base.

Utah signs Jason Hart. This hurts me, as a fellow 'Cuse man, but Jason my man... you are the new Rick Brunson. Rent, don't buy.

Obsolete NBA Free Agent Reactions

> Bulls GM John Paxson vowed to match any free agent offer for Andres Nocioni, and then paid him $38 million for 5 years.

Independent of the merits of Nocioni, this, frankly, is part of what gets NBA teams into such terrible trouble on contracts -- the idea that if you don't spent what the market demands for your free agent, you're less than manly or letting the team down.

(As for Andres himself, he looks like the rich man's Victor "Bag of" Khryapa, or the poor man's Luol Deng. It amazes me how many similar player the Bulls stockpile -- it's like they're cloning people.)

Here's a thought -- figure out what the guy is actually worth, percentage-wise, to your team. Then, figure out what happens to your situation if/when you overpay him in a game of who has the bigger nuts.

Frankly, we're thinking that in a year or two, after Ty Thomas emerges as the much less regrettable option in the Noah/Wallace/Thomas logjam for energy defender, and Thabo Sefolosha pulls away in the Duhon/Gordon/Hinrich race of which guard can give up more points than he generates, that Paxson is really going to be wishing he hasn't shelled out so much for Andres.

> Grant Hill signs with the Suns.

Because what Phoenix was clearly missing in that Spurs loss was what... Grant Hill could give them?

Look, I *like* Hill -- 29 surgeries and all, he can play, and he makes his teammates better. And I suppose that, for the salary they got him for, it's fine.

But what does he do that Boris Diaw doesn't do, other than get hurt and be older? How does he help you when Stoudamire and Thomas, the weak points on your team defense and health-wise, break down? Isn't this just the second chapter of the Jalen Rose book that no one wanted to read?

> Jerry Stackhouse signs a 3-year deal to stay with the Mavs.

It's got to be hard to think about leaving the Cube Zone -- the creature comforts, hot and cold running coaches, limited minutes and your summers are more or less free. What's less sensible is why the Mavs were ready to for another three years of a 32-year-old guy and career 41% shooter. (OK, yes, he gets to the line, and last year was better, but 43% isn't exactly write home material.)

However, props to Stack for not moving on to team #5 in a career that was starting to resemble Jalen Rose for a while there. (What can we say, we're soft on Jalen.) The Mavs need to blow that team up something fierce, but at least it looks like Stack will be among the survivors.

> "Sonics' overhaul peaks with Carlesimo hiring" reads the AP headline. Shouldn't we change peaks to ends? This retread gets a lot of love among the white media that covers the NBA for getting the Spree Necklace, but what no one ever mentions is that Latrell's little act of attempted coachicide made PJ famous... famous enough to get another job as a retread. Not exactly the ramp-up situation that Kevin Durant needed here.

> The Pistons resigned Chauncey Billups to a 5 year, $60 million contract, because 31-year-old point guards that get taken apart by rookies in conference finals are clearly worth a long-term commitment.

Once again, we like Chaunce; he's a top 10 PG, and he seemed trustworthy right up until Game 3 of the Cavs series. But we're befuddled by the attraction that NBA GMs have to name brands. And in the big news...

> Orlando signed Rashard Lewis to a max deal (speaking of a guy with an instantly bad contract), which means... THEY ARE OUT OF THE DARKO RACE. Who will step up and get the guy who will never, no matter what people think, be a tenth of the player that Chris Bosh is, but will likely always get ten times the publicity?

This is one of those moments where you learn more about the team... because we're certain that Darko can be an NBA player with the right coach or team, just as we're certain that he's 2 years from being out of the league if the wrong team gets him. (Basically, what is Darko if not Andres Biedrins with better hands?)

For the sake of the legend's millions of ironic fans, here's hoping he chooses well. I'm rooting for him to come back and torture Joe Dumars some more. That's always fun.

Top 10 Things On Mark Cuban's Weekend Agenda

10. Eating six pints of Haagen Dazs while watching "Terms of Endearment"

9. Screaming at the lawn service

8. Mumbling

7. Listening to Lionel Richie's "Hello" while looking at a signed photo of Don Nelson; eventually, tears up photo

6. Having Nelson's kid come over to "you know, just talk about things"

5. Writing Avery Johnson's will

4. Blogging, Blogging, Blogging

3. Crank-calling David Stern at 3am, drunk on schnapps

2. Buying the Cubs, so that Cub Fans will never have to suffer with an overpaid team that's filled with guys who can't perform under pressure

1. Killing himself, so that everyone who ever said mean things about him will feel really, really sorry, like forever

Why You Probably Aren't Watching Mavs-Warriors

In doing the usual spin through the sports blogosphere today, it is striking to see the number of entries and storylines on the Mavs-Warriors series. It's not surprising, given that:

> Dirk Nowitzki might have saved his career from KG-level irrelevance with his fourth-quarter explosion last night

> Stephen Jackson has eyes that are so crazy, The Runaway Bride gets the willies

> Don Nelson was born to steal this series (and, of course, get stomped in the next one)

> Mark Cuban's temper tantrum, if the Mavs lose, could be sold for $49.99 on PPV

> Between Cuban and Dirk, the Mavs somehow make a team with Stephen Jackson the good guys

> Oakland has the best home court in the NBA -- these people make Detroit look calm

> Baron Davis remembered who he was

Etc., etc. There are a dozen more just like this. But then there's this.

Fox’s Saturday, April 21 window of two regional telecasts—Yankees vs. Boston Red Sox, and St. Louis Cardinals vs. Chicago Cubs—drew a combined 3.2 household rating and 4.7 million viewers. Those numbers topped both NBA playoff telecasts on ABC on April 21 and 22.

- MediaWeek

I don't normally care about ratings; it's not the game. But imagine an NFL or MLB series with this many sub-plots flying under the radar like this. (And don't tell me it's because it's a first-round series. Once you are in elimination mode, the round doesn't matter that much.)

But with the NBA, the combination of the late starting times, the niche appeal of the league, and the regionalization is going to make this one a treasured memory for relatively few people.

As a Sixers fan, I've never been more emotionally involved in a playoff run than the AI 2000 season, when the team scraped every knuckle through back-to-back 7-game exhaust-a-thons against the Raptors and Bucks. (And Vince? Thanks again for getting the diploma. And missing at the end of Game 7. You're aces in our book.)

Despite being on the West Coast, which meant some games happened during actual work hours, I could have had an open gunshot wound during those games and still watched. (Thankfully, my manager was a sports fan and indulged my need for flex time.)

Whereas these Mavs-Warriors games... no. (And vice versa, for any Mavs or Warriors fans reading this.)

They're completely great, you watch and get sucked in, but I'm not a fan of either team. I'm not living and dying with them.

If something important turns up, I'm missing Game 6. Maybe even Game 7. Now, compare that to the NFL.

Simply put, there's no way in hell you are missing the next Super Bowl.

Or maybe even the next 10 Super Bowls.

It could be the Bengals vs. the Cardinals in the first ever 6 seed vs. 6 seed game, where the winner will be the first team ever with a losing regular season record.

The day after the NFC and AFC conference games, both teams could have lost a half-dozen starters to rioting.

Your announcers could be Rush Limbaugh, Dennis Miller and Joe Thiesmann.

It wouldn't matter. We'd watch. Maybe on mute, but we’d watch. (Not sure? Did you watch the Giants-Ravens Super Bowl? Yes, you did. I'm still trying to wash the memory of that snore-fest out of my brain.)

MLB and NBA? Not so much.

And that's why, in a nutshell, there's really only one major league right now, then two also-rans.

Whether we want to admit it or not.