Blogrolling Will Fight, Scream, Pinch Nipples, and Stop Crime

Sign of the Apocalypse #3006 -- guys running around in superhero outfits for real, working to stop crime. Call me when you get costumed adversaries, boys, so that I know when I've got even bigger losers to mock...

Howard Eskin is now pinching nipples. No, wait, actually worse: stealing them. And dressing up as a Star Trek nerd. Oddly, it doesn't really change the way I feel about him.

Nick Underhill does the Manny thing better than most.

Your hero and mine, with, QUITE FRANKLY, the most important site on the Web. Everything he blogs is important! (And it must be, considering he's posted five times in the last six weeks.)

And finally, presented without undue comment, the top-ranked story on Ballhype this fine day. Hockey Fan sure does like it when the guys with the most pads throw down. Every mention has a video clip, and the blogger feels much shame.

Top 10 Post Peak Oil MLB Changes

I was perusing the Old Gray Lady last week, as one is won't to do while it still exists, and the story was of an environmentalist movement that talks about transitioning after Peak Oil. This mostly dystopian concept holds that oil is running out, alternative fuels and technology won't be enough to compensate, and the future is going to be a lot less fun when it comes to, you know, travel and shipping and a million thins we more or less take for granted. It's all kinds of cheery, really.)

So the idea is to start working out now how we'd all manage in such a world. Sure, you can plant crops to help raise your own food, but how do you get your excess to market to trade for gingham and the like? And so on. If you are the kind of guy who likes to work out doomsday scenarios and overplan for an unsatisfying future in which you have no real control - in other words, if you are just about every Eagle Fan I've ever met, and we are really not that unique -- well, have at it, really.

So, with that in mind, the following list of ways MLB could change to lower their carbon footprint.

10. Club cars. Calling to mind the old school millionaire rail cars of a century ago, this is where traveling teams ditch their private jets for their own railroad car. Considering the delays and misery that is every airport, I suspect this is a change that many players would actively encourage, especially if more high speed rail came into play. Besides, don't you want to see those MLB+ team trains steaming past you while you wait for your own podunk regional line?

9. More day games. Whether or not it actually makes sense on an ecological scale is debatable -- after all, tens of thousands of people sharing one light has to be better than them all being in their homes, right? -- but since you can sell 'em this way, that's what you'll get.

8. Enforced divisions. Those cross-country trips to play the least meaningful games on the schedule, just so your fans have the opportunity to see every other team in the league... Well, that's what satellites are for, right? And from there, we get...

7. Separate leagues. Pacific, Atlantic, North and South, with travel miles taking priority over tradition. On the plus side, you'll have much better shot at seeing your team on the road. Take the train with them!

6. Overfishing in regional markets. It's not exactly news that if a town is big enough to support an MLB+ franchise, it's probably big enough to support two... or, in the case of New York with its huddled masses, four or five. Brooklyn and Long Island get teams first, one in each league, maybe as moves from Florida and Tampa, just to keep the air miles down. Philly adds an AL team, Boston an NL market. And so on. If you think the Lemur overcovers teams from this region now, you ain't seen nothing yet.

5. Longer homestands and road trips. Again from a pure carbon standpoint, it's very wasteful to have so many back and forth trips, when you could simply keep teams on the road longer and set up the schedule to be more conducive to lowered traveling costs. Especially for teams visiting the other coast, you could easily see a month-long trip to knock it all out at once, rather than make 3-4 trips during the year.

4. Regional drafts. If regional rivalries get more important, than so do regional players, and it makes sense to encourage such things by skewing homegrown talent to stay with teams close to where they developed. I actually think this is the better way to go on many levels, especially if you want to try to make college baseball more interesting for things other than waiting to see if someone dies from a batted ball off an aluminum bat. (And speaking of such things, let's make sure those things are made from recycled metal, of course.)

3. Fewer rain outs. This isn't to mean that there will be less rain; hell, if the environment goes to to dystopia, there will be more. But if you go to more day games, there's just more chance to get a game in, since you can wait out the weather and get it in at night. Remember as well that if the make up game, especially for teams from the other coast, are harder to achieve, there's also just more incentive to get the game done that day. (For that matter, you can also count on more partial games; as is, there are relatively few games each year called and logged in the books before the full nine is played.)

2. Less money. It's just a simple fact that we can dress up if we like, but will still be with us: there is a bubble that needs correcting here, and that bubble is the amount of money involved in the games. If everyone involved is spending less (and, sigh, probably having less), that means there have to be less money from advertising sponsorships, and ticket prices eventually falling, because the market will eventually correct itself. You will, eventually, pay less for your ticket; you also probably aren't going to be too happy about it. (Oh, and this will also really hit all of those teams that have to suddenly live with less Yankee and Red Sox games on the schedule, and higher travel costs.)

1. No more outsourcing. Short and sweet: enjoy those players from overseas, folks, especially from markets like Japan that can put up a fight for them. When the travel costs to bring them in get nasty, you'll just see less of them.

Breastpaw

Eri Yoshida is 17 years old, 5 feet tall, 114 pounds and female. She is also the first female, assuming that one does not think unkind thoughts about Hideo Nomo, to pitch against men in a Japanese professional league.

Friday in Osaka, she made her debut, walking the first hitter on four pitches, giving up a stolen base, and then striking out the next hitter before being replace. She throws a sidearm knuckleball, which can't be something that most people have much experience handling, and wants to emulate Tim Wakefield, which can't say much about her future offers to pop her top for skin magazines. Yoshida is said to have been pitching since she was in second grade, so that gives her a solid decade of throwing the knuckler.

Now, there is the usual question as to whether this is a publicity stunt (of course), and the Lemur's Rob Neyer asked the particularly obvious and insensitive question as to how she's handle a bunt, or what she'd do on a 3-0 count. Um, Rob... what makes Yoshida's plight in that situation any different from, say, Chad Bradford? And did being a lot shorter than most of his opponents stop Tom Gordon from having a 20-year career? I don't remember too many people worrying about Pedro Martinez not being able to handle himself out there despite being half of the size of some of the hitters. Hell, Pedro was a headhunter. Plus, he beat up Don Zimmer. That has to count for something.

The simple fact of the matter is that baseball is an individual sport with a ton of physical outliers, and if Yoshida gets people out -- and I'm thinking that any 17 year-old person that can strike an adult out, by any means, is something of a prospect -- she'll have a job, regardless of whether or not she sells tickets. And, of course, she will. Teams have employed utter reprobates like Ugie Urbina, Denny McClain and Dwight Gooden; the job is to get outs, and if you can do that, nothing else really matters.

I am convinced, and have stated before on this blog, that during my lifetime, a woman will pitch in the major leagues. Yoshida has just the kind of novelty act that could break through, and if it's not her, it will be someone that can get the ball up to 90 mph.

Particularly if she's left-handed. And cute. (What, you think there won't be some ticket sales involved?)

Blogrolling at the end of human dignity

Pub crawls in Snuggies, because nothing says Ironic and Hip like looking like a plush druid. I'm convinced these things are responsible for the fall in the stock market; how can you have confidence in our prospects as a nation when people walk around in public like this?

Maybe I'm being too hard on them. They are, after all, consuming less fossil fuels in a cold winter. And maybe it's better for these people to cover up their lardassity... because I'm really not thinking that anyone with any kind of body would wear this.

No Child Left Behind needs a new name. It's a contest!


Joe Sports Fan with the flat-out fantastic video. And if you don't know this guy, you might *be* this guy...

Epic Drop: Top 10 awful things that might happen any minute now in sports

Engaged in some darker poerty here, kids. Worth it only to see the X-Game fall again, which might be the best/worst rubbernecking moment in recent sports history, and the single biggest reason why I'm happy to have had relatively earthbound girls...

Week Three NFL Picks: There Are Only 236 Games Left

Were you aware that over 10% of your yearly ration of NFL games for the season have already been played? Personally, I'm outraged by this on many levels, most of them manifesting as self-hatred. Why, I've missed whole series of games -- and I call myself a blogger. It's disgraceful. I can already feel February's cold chill on me, when the only thing I'll have to comfort myself with is a non-Bush presidency, the NBA, MLB spring training, college hoops, hockey and maybe a vacation. Damn you, NFL! In just about five months, I'm going to be mildly inconvenienced!

Anyway... last week was a back and forth affair, as good moments like Indy on the road, Carolina and New England in pick'em wins and the Pack covering a big number in Detroit were negated by the Raiders, Giants, Skins and Bills all being better than I thought. We still paid the bills at 8-7, but only just. So, on to the picks!

Kansas City at ATLANTA (-3.5)

A game that will make you long for February, really. The Chiefs are coming off a de-pantsing by the previously DOA Raiders at home, while the Falcons stayed with the Bucs for a long time despite Matt Ryan suffering big-time growing pains. Neither team should be trusted to find their ass with both hands and a map, but Atlanta's at home, with the better RB (Michael Turner, not Larry "Runs, And Bitches, Like Your Grandmama" Johnson), QB (Ryan over practice squadder and Coastal Carolina's own Tyler Thigpen), WR (Roddy White over Dwayne Bowe, in the battle of the only guys on the field that are fairly certain to be in the league in 5 years) and home crowd.

If you're betting this game, you also probably are a regular at the dog track... and I'm there with you. Avoid the nachos.

Falcons 20, Chiefs 16

Oakland at BUFFALO (-8.5)

Everyone's darling in the AFC East gets a big home number and, one imagines, an inordinate amount of Suicide Pool action. They are coming off a show-us win on the road in Jacksonville, and come home to a Raider team that seems to be trying to get head coach Lane Kiffin fired by taking football back to the Bronko Nagurski age -- seriously, Jemarcus Russell threw for less yards than his wideout's jersey numbers last week, and it's not like Kansas City has shutdown corners. I think he gets a little more this week, in that it would be impossible to get a little less, and it's hard to give up this many points to a team that's facing a potentially dominating RB in Darren McFadden.

It won't be pretty, but it will be a cover, especially if Buffalo QB Trent Edwards gets greedy on the Raiders' (overall) good corners.

Bills 21, Raiders 14

Tampa Bay at CHICAGO (-5)

Am I going with back to back road dogs? Hell and yes. The Bears are coming off a late-game road collapse against a frisky Panthers team, while the Bucs let the Falcons stick around for far too long last week before putting them away with Earnest Graham's first good run of the day. Against the vaunted Bucs Cover Two, I don't see Kyle Orton playing mistake-free football, and I also don't see Matt Forte being able to keep the sticks moving enough to matter. The schedule also helps the Bucs here, as cold-weather games in Chicago were really not their cup of tea in the old alignment.

Finally, there's this -- it's Brian Griese's Revenge Game! You're not going to stop Brian Griese in a revenge game!

So give me the Bucs in a mild shocker -- not just a cover, but a win -- that really won't be that much of a shock, given that the Bears start Kyle Orton. (Also, to be fair, because if Vince Young had Orton's options at wideout, he'd be dead already. I am so mean and racist!)

Bucs 17, Bears 13

Carolina at MINNESOTA (pick em)

The home team is going -- by choice! -- to Gus Frerotte, which helps to explain the lack of home-field favoritism, despite the really good home field advantage that the Vikings have in their dome. The Panthers are coming off a bit of a gift win against the Bears, and while they were able to run the ball with good success with Jon "Moment of Zen" Stewart in the second half, I don't see them having the same patience or effectiveness in a loud dome. If Matt Forte can go for big yards against Carolina, Adrian Peterson can go for two times big yards... and probably will, since Frerotte will resemble, at times, an NFL quarterback. Plus, with his experience, he only makes 6 bonehead throws a game, which is a distinct edge over Tarvaris Jackson's even dozen.

There's also this: the Vikings need this game a lot more than the Panthers, and will play like it... despite the return of Steve Smith. Hey, after the Panthers lose this game, can everyone start telling the Steve Smith Is A Team Cancer story? That's always fun.

Vikings 17, Panthers 10

Miami at NEW ENGLAND (-11)

If Matt Cassel is ever going to put up numbers for his increasingly bitter fantasy owners (and yes, the owners of Randy Moss are thinking about a class-action suit), it would have to be this week against the moribund Fish, who allowed Kurt Warner to achieve a perfect quarterback rating in last week's immolation in the desert. Miami hasn't been able to run the ball worth a damn, and the Patriots know all about how jumping Chad Pennington's routes. To all the people who bought my pre-season hype on Ted Ginn Jr., I am very, very sorry... and happy as punch that he never found his way to any of my rosters.

I'm looking for the Patriots in a blowout that will make stupid people start to wonder if they'll be better without Brady after all. The answer is, um, no.

Patriots 34, Dolphins 17

Cincinnati at NEW YORK GIANTS (-10)

The other big number that I'm willing to lay this week is the Giants, just to ensure that they struggle. Big Blue used some late game Marc Bulger pathos to cover the spread in St. Louis, while the Bengals continued to swap the e for a u in their name against the Titans. All of the wheels are off the Carson Palmer bus, and the defense seems to be the same old fluffy soft tabbies you've known and started all of your fantasy league players against. Thanks to the Rams, Cincy isn't the worst team in the league, but man, they are awful, and you'd have to think that Marvin Lewis is wondering how to get out of his housing investment in a down economy.

Big Blue has shown a quiet ability to ground bad teams into putty with their triple-headed running game and reasonable mid-range passing game, and the pass rush still has more than enough push to make a bad team worse. I don't think they are all that good, but the Bengals sure aren't the team to exploit them, at least not at this point in the year.

Giants 27, Bengals 16

Houston at TENNESSEE (-5)

The Texans, fresh off a hurricane-inflicted early season bye, come to the surprising 2-0 Titans, who rode the competent game manager hand of Kerry Collins (hey, he knows how to throw to the wide receivers! that's useful!) to a by-the-numbers win over the Bungles. I kind of like this Texans team, or at least I did until they became de facto homeless. With a bye and something to prove, I think they cover, but don't win; the Titans just run and defend too well for that, and the Steve Slaton Breakout Game (Be patient! It's coming!) isn't happening yet. But it'll be tight.

Collins, by the way, is the rich-man's Gus Frerotte, in that when he hurts himself against a wall, he's probably drunk at the time.

Titans 20, Texans 17

Arizona at WASHINGTON (-1)

Let's try this again... hotshot NFC passing team comes to the nation's capital to play a 'Skins squad that shouldn't be very good, given their wideouts and coaching changes. Last week, it was New Orleans (albeit without Marques Colston, which might make a world of difference). This week, it's the Cardinals, fresh off a romp over the fetid Fish. I'm giving the edge to the Cards, because I actually do believe in their defense a little, and dammit, someone has to not be very good in the NFC East.

Oh, and if you're looking for fantasy league advice on whether to start Kurt Warner in this game, just check my lineups before gameday; if I have him in, you get him out, and vice versa.

Cardinals 24, Redskins 17

Detroit at SAN FRANCISCO (-2)

Original Mookie, a longtime FTT contributor who lives in the Bay Area, tells me that the locals are far too enthused about JT O'Sullivan, who has been collecting nicknames (JTO, JT Throw, Jay-T) like he's, you know, a real quarterback. Bringing your team back on the road in Seattle after you've hit the ground eight times, and preventing the locals from having to watch more of Alex Smith, is nice. But keeping your QB from taking eight sacks is, well, better.

This is the game that Frank Gore fans have been salivating over, but it's also a bit of a danger game, in that the Lions probably won't be playing from two touchdowns down for most of the game, as is their usual wont. I'm even tempted to pull the trigger for the road dogs here. But any time your team is auditioning Shawn Alexander and Cedric Benson as back-ups during the week, that reminds me... hey! Matt Millen isn't very smart! Stay away from him and his utterly, utterly awful football team!

Niners 24, Lions 21

St. Louis at SEATTLE (-6)

The Rams have looked like the worst team in the NFL for two straight weeks, while the Seahawks are going through whatever walks the streets and plays wideout. Missed in last week's collapse against the JTOs (see, that nickname has legs) was Julius Jones going for 100 yards and giving fantasy league owners a hope in hell that the Seattle running back committee had a chairman. This week, he'll find the going nice and easy against a Rams team that looks like it's trying to get head coach Scott Linehan fired before the leaves fall, and your over-under on the next Marc Bulger injury is two weeks. Take the under.

Oh, and if you were fooled into taking Stephen Jackson in this year's draft, you can stop paying attention to your fantasy league team any time now, really.

Seattle 27, St. Louis 17

New Orleans at DENVER (-5.5)

The week's best candidate for the over -- any over -- comes in the high air of Denver, where the hometown Broncos are still living in the afterglow of Ballsy Mike Shanahan and his Ballsy Two Point Conversion Win. Left unsaid in the celebration of the Rat's Balls is the fact that he probably went that way out of a sincere desire to not see his defense take the field again for another seven days, win or lose, but 2-0 is 2-0. For the Saints, they lost the chance to make a statement that the 2006 Good Times were back in a stumbling road loss to the Redskins. Now, they have to contend with the thin air and continued lack of Marques Colston, while Jeremy Shockey's owners are officially bent out of shape. The real culprit for the Saints, of course, is the running game, where Pierre Thomas has clearly taken over for Deuce McAllister but without the old production, and Reggie Bush is well on his way to becoming the most overrated player in the NFL.

Despite all that, I like the Saints to at least cover here, as it's tough to give up this many points in a game that should be Last Ball Wins, and I'm not quite buying the idea that Jay Cutler is going to rewrite the record books *just* yet.

Broncos 38, Saints 35

Pittsburgh at PHILADELPHIA (pick em)

No respect for the home town team, who have a make or break game this week against the visiting Steelers in a match that deserves Prime Time a lot more than the Jets and Chargers. Pittsburgh comes off a workmanlike road win in post-hurricane conditions in Cleveland, while we all remember what the Eagles were doing in last Monday's game for the ages in Dallas. I like the Birds here for the following factors:

1) Ben Rothlesberger got a little banged up last week, and I suspect he's not 100%.

2) Pittsburgh's offensive line isn't the backbone of the team, which means that TE Heath Miller stays in to block a lot. As Jason Witten showed in the second half in Dallas, the way to roast the Eagles secondary is to throw to a quality TE on deep middle passes, and watch him torture the new fraud that's in Brian Dawkins' jersey, or the old fraud that wears the Sean Considine gamer.

3) DeSean Jackson's end zone antics notwithstanding, the presence of the new #1 WR on the team means more holes for Brian Westbrook, and I think this is the week that Andy Reid takes advantage of that.

4) Donovan McNabb is, inexplicable fumble notwithstanding, playing at too high of a level right now to lose at home.

5) The Eagles simply need the game more than the Steelers, who know, on some level, that their division is going to be a walk in the park this year.

6) The AFC isn't better than the NFC anymore.

7) Mike Tomlin in a big game is still suspect.

8) I think the Eagles defense and special teams are better than the MNF game, and that they come out and show it.

As you might be able to tell by all the reasons, I'm still nervous as hell about this game, and not just because a loss will put them at least two games behind either the Cowboys, the Giants, or both. From the moment the schedules were released, this was the keystone game for the Eagles' season, especially with the short week of work. Here's hoping they are up to the task.

Eagles 27, Steelers 24

Jacksonville at INDIANAPOLIS (-3.5)

This line was released prior to the Bob Sanders injury news, but as good as he is, I suspect it won't move things too much in either direction. Jacksonville comes in 0-2 and desperate, while the Colts are .500 thanks only to the Houdini act they pulled last week in Minnesota. I like Indy in this game because they are at home, Peyton Manning looks to be getting the rust off, and the Jags are still hurting bad on the front line.

Besides, if you can't keep Trent Edwards, Lee Evans and Fred Jackson from beating you at home, why should you be able to beat Manning, Reggie Wayne and Joseph Addai on the road?

Colts 27, Jags 17

Cleveland (-1) at BALTIMORE

The hurricane-induced bye will kill the Ravens later this year, but this week it helps them a lot as they prepare for an 0-2 Browns team that has coughed up both games at home, albeit to quality opponents. The problem for the Browns is that what was supposed to be an explosive offense has been terrible, and their defense isn't exactly giving them short fields, either. For the Ravens, expect the defense to come out loud and proud in this one, and for the home team to win a field position battle in which Joe Flacco looks better than Derek Anderson, simply because he won't be playing with one eye over his shoulder.

Brady Quinn needs to be prepared to come into this game, and to hope like hell that he doesn't; it'll be much easier to keep the job with a week of practice and a win next week in Cincy.

Ravens 16, Browns 14

Dallas at GREEN BAY (pick em)

Surprising line on this one, where you'd think that Cowboy Luv and continuing skepticism over Aaron Rodgers might make the road team a field goal favorite, but maybe the bookies are thinking that everyone will play off that MNF and travel disadvantage. I like the home team here, because I think they have the ability to cover Jason Witten better than the Eagles did, and because I think Dallas will come into the game gassed from the MNF shootout.

Besides, as everyone is slowly starting to realize, the Packers have outstanding lineplay and skill people... and when you have that, the name on the back of the quarterback's jersey is not going to be the only thing that matters.

Packers 31, Dallas 28

New York Jets at SAN DIEGO (-6.5)

Watch this one with the sound off, unless you really, really want to hear Tony Kornheiser examine every minute detail of Brett Favre's New York Odyssey. The Chargers could not ask for a better get-well opponent, and after last week's Hochulicide in Denver, I'm betting that they come out hard and heavy against a Jets team that seems to have missed its opportunity. It's also not as if they don't have experience in coming back from early season holes in the Norv Turner Era. I'm looking for at least two turnovers from Number Four, and an easy Charger cover -- even if they don't get full participation from LaDanian Tomlinson -- with a special assist coming from the kicking game.

Finally, just to get you in the mood for the MNF telecast, here's a quick preview...

FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE
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Chargers 30, Jets 17

Last week: 8-7

Year to date: 19-12

Apocalypse Not

I'm going to cross a small line here and bring in a few personal moments in this one, which will also get Mildly Political (but not wholly whiffing from sports). Y'all have been warned; feel free to skip and/or print it out and take it with you to the can.

In the early parts of the 1800s in the United States, a doomsday cult developed in the MidAtlantic and New England states that eventually became so popular, it reached near mainstream acceptance. The Millerites, as they were called, studied the book of Daniel, always a good source for this kind of thing, to do the math, then determined that the end of the world was coming up fast. So fast, in fact, that they were able to predict it to the day. (Odd, that it's never a long time from now.)

Tens of thousands grouped on what the faith's elders called "Ascension Rock" to greet the incoming cherubim, only to go home shortly after dawn when nothing happened. (Yes, to be in the crowd must have been like being an Eagles fan during one of the NFC championship game home losses. I hate my brain.)

Amazingly, the church was able to regroup all of its followers and grow with the story that they had simply made a counting error, and that the Apocalypse was definitely coming this time, like the Great Pumpkin, just one year later. In the weeks coming up to the big event, farms lay fallow, cows were not milked, people stopped bathing or eating or doing anything other than waiting. I'm thinking the crowd reaction to the second straight whiff was less than happy.

After the second straight no-show, the faith disbanded, and finding anyone who wanted to admit to their Millerite faith was like finding a Red Sox fan who still thinks they should have kept Nomah, Pedro and Manny. More tellingly since then, no doomsday religion has made the tactical error of calling their shot on the Apocalypse. It's always close (how's next Tuesday for you), but never on the calendar. Heck, maybe it already happened via a Rapture of the nice folks. I work in marketing and advertising, and haven't really missed anyone, but that's no proof.

A few weeks ago at my monthly poker game (seats available, email me), someone brought up the Left Behind series of books, and how he started seeing spooky parallels to current events. The LB series, in case you are unaware, is a series of novels that start from Revelations-style predictions of future miseries, then shows how they might come to pass in a more modern skew. It's wildly popular in its niche market, and as a matter of record, I've actually written ads for it, because when work asks me to make them money, that's what I do. Anyway.

The group more or less moved away from it pretty quickly, but seeing how it was the first time the books were ever discussed near me without a sense of irony or commercialism, it didn't go very far. People read what they want to read.

Earlier this week, in an IM conversation with a friend about politics, I learned that his mother thinks that Barack Obama is the Antichrist. Hmm, well, wow, I thought, and tried to commiserate with how difficult it must be to have a parent who is working with that kind of delusion. Seriously, if Obama's the Antichrist, I'd have expected Hilary and Bill Clinton to have exploded into flame in, like, February. Give the A-C some credit here.

The Shooter Mom, like most women of her generation, strongly preferred Hilary but will vote for Obama. She also has any number of close relatives of her age group who like to forward her all of those e-mails you've been hearing about, where Obama is perceived as, well, the Antichrist.

Now, I don't want to get into the particulars of Obama-McCain here; I'm pretty sure that most regular readers of the blog know where I am on that. What I'm looking to touch on more is this need that many of us have for it to be The End of Days.

Whether it's (I'm going to make regular reader CMJDad very happy here, not that he's still reading) global warming, the specter of an Obama, Clinton, Bush or McCain Presidency, the Eagles failing to sign a true #1 WR, gasoline and grocery and local taxes going up while the value of your home goes down... there's always going to be people losing their stones over it and thinking Life Will Never Be The Same. I'm pretty sure you get this at work, too, especially in a down economy. Coping with the uncertainties of an uncaring world is damned deadly difficult, and whether your coping mechanisms are vice or virtue doesn't really change that.

But what's really going on, at the heart of Apocalyptic thinking, is fairly profound selfishness and self-centeredness.

We all know that we're going to move on from this consciousness at some point, and that the amount of time we have left is more or less uncertain. We can influence this with good choices and better luck, but it's mostly just that -- an influence, not a real control. What happens next is entirely subject to your beliefs, but Life Will Go On Without You...

Unless, of course, all life ends with you. Which is the sad little comfort of Apocalypse, isn't it? No loneliness.

It is easy for me (and in all likelihood, given the site's demographics, you) to go down this thought path. By the numbers, many of us probably haven't used more than a third to half of our time. Maybe I'll feel differently when I'm looking more realistically at 80 to 90% gone, and strange-sounding people and dire predictions coming at me from every source of "news." I'd really like to hope not.

The Apocalypse is upon us, folks, because it's always been upon us. It's there, in the back of our minds, all of the time. It's that part of you that throws a rod over someone cutting you off in traffic, or making you wait at the supermarket. It's the knowledge that without us, work would suffer, our loved ones would fall apart, and the won-loss records of sports team and political candidates has something (anything?) to do with our hopes and dreams.

They don't. They won't. For the most part, we're just not that important. Get over yourselves.

And be happy anyway. It's not the end of the world.

Apocalypse Manny

Let's see... the Sox trade an aging RH OF with a .926 OPS and a bad attitude for a 30-year-old RH OF with an .894 OPS. (Given that Fenway's more of a hitter's park, you could make the argument that Boston just got better in every aspect, actually.)

Also, to make sure it happened, Boston had to pick up $7 million of the contract, because actual baseball evaluators think Jason Bay is (shh!) better. Seeing how he's not, you know, an idiotic distraction.

But, well, it's Boston. Let the wailing and gnashing of teeth commence!

One Toke Over The Line

Big win tonight in the have-to-have Game 3 for the Mavs, who shook off Josh Howard's marijuana admissions to more or less handle the Hornets. New Orleans has never won in Dallas. While the Bugs don't have to for advancement, it'd help loads, especially seeing how the Spurs will be clearing things out any minute now in their series.

A quick word about Howard's wacky weed admission. I'm frankly more concerned about his level of judgment in admitting the use in public, rather than any effect from the drug. Robert Parish was pulled over with pot in his '40s. Did it really hurt his longevity? Of course not. But if Howard is dumb enough to talk about it on the freaking radio, he's dumb enough to do other things, really.

It'll also be highly curious as to see the length and timing of his eventual Stern-mandated suspension. You know, for distracting the sporting public from the glory of the playoffs. Unlike Stern's No Vaseline job on Seattle.

Getting back to the court... despite the level of comfort in the win -- seriously, when your best player is Jannero Pargo, it's really not your night -- I still like the Hornets' chances in this one. They got very little out of Chris Paul tonight, and not much more out of David West or Peja Stojakovic. And yet, they were still in it for crunch time, because while the Mavs do have a fully engaged Dirk Nowitzki, they really don't have much more than that.

The game was also notable for the only highlight that most people will see of it, which had Dallas center and big-time contract year hero Erick Dampier picking up a flagrant on Paul late. As hard fouls go, it really wasn't all that intense, but when a guy is a foot and 100 pounds heavier than the other guy, hard shoves do tend to get exaggerated.

And in a sure sign of the Apocalypse, I actually have to give it up to Stephen A. Smith for a line he had about the incident. Jalen Rose defended the play as saying "No layups!" Smith replied, "What about the rest of his career -- he's going to start enforcing that now?" Stephen, anyone who remember the Damp Era in the Bay Area is giving you the Nod of Approval right about now...

Can this really happen?

If you had told me the Sixers were going to steal Game 1 in Detroit, I could have given you a half-dozen ways how it would have happened.

None of them would have involved huge performances from Reggie Evans and Willie Green.

A big night from the Andres? Sure. Iggy had 16 points, 9 boards and 8 assists. Miller went for 20, 3 and 6. That gave them 9 more points, 5 more boards and 6 more assists than Hamilton and Billups. (To be fair, in 17 more minutes.)

Sam Dalembert coming up huge? Well, only sporadically. Dalembert had 10 boards and 4 blocks, but he was also 2 of 10 from the floor, and limited to 33 minutes from foul trouble.

Louie Williams doing a light 'em up job? Not so much. 9 points on 4 of 12 in 22 minutes. No, he's not shy.

Maybe a huge playoff debut for hot stuff rookie Thaddeus Young? Nope, though 10 in 22 minutes for a guy with zero playoff experience isn't bad.

Uncharacteristic proficiency from behind the arc or the free throw line? Nope. They were 1 of 5 from the former, and 19 of 27 (70.4%) from the later.

OK, well... maybe Detroit just couldn't keep their hands on the ball, and the Sixers were able to get out and run. Nope, turnovers were even at 12.

So, um... how the hell did they do it, and can they do it 3 more times in the next 6 games?

Any reasonable judge of the NBA says no; there is a reason why Detroit is a dark horse champion pick, and they've got an ungodly amount of playoff experience without being too dreadfully old. We are talking about a 2 seed playing a below .500 team here, after all.

And yet... the Sixers have been above a .500 team for a while now, at least if you just consider the last 3 months of the season. Experience is great, but wins are better. No one believes in the Sixers -- seriously, I haven't received a single email or mention about the team being in the playoffs from my local friends, let alone any interest in going to see a playoff game. You can go buy tickets to Game 3 or 4 right now... and we're not talking bad seats, either. (Heck, I just might.)

Detroit never loses a Game 1. They're great at establishing order and tempo early. And yet, here are the 7 seed Sixers, coming from 15 down in the third quarter, getting huge buckets from the extremely offensively-challenged Reggie Evans...

Well, I still don't really believe. But if they can somehow steal Game 2 as well? Well... I'm sure those tickets won't still be available.

Happy 50th

Today in Japan, noted wank aid Danica Patrick won her first race in her 50th start, in an event where she took advantage of the leaders miscalculating their fuel needs.

There are 2 obvious but fun points that I'd like to make here. Along with posting a photo that's going to get the site a lot of clicks from people who aren't aware that there are other sites on the Web that work more effectively for That Sort of Thing. (The quest for porn, she is endless.)

1) Since women as a general rule weigh less than men, auto racing is an event where they have a physical advantage. Patrick's competitors, and those who like to denigrate her accomplishments, are fond of pointing this out... without the corollary of belittling every male athlete in every other sport for just being physically advantaged over women. (An aside for anyone who might actually know the answer to this question... are there Patricks in horse racing? I remember Julie Krone in the 80s, but that was a long time ago.)

2) Does Patrick's win further hasten the Apocalypse for NASCAR fan? I'm looking for the day when that circuit is overrun by rail-thin minority women drivers that make the fan base all stand as one and find some new cocoon of White Male Sports Purity. (Say, for instance, MLB, now that blacks are down to 6% of the workforce, but with the Hispanic and Asian influence, maybe that won't cut it. Bowling, anyone?)

Drugs on a Hanger

The New York Times
The Speedo LZR Racer swimsuit has cannon balled into the consciousness of people who do not know a flip turn from Flipper since it was introduced in February, and swimmers wearing it have sped to 22 of the 23 world records. A coach who has worked with several Olympic gold medalists who are sponsored by Speedo describes the suit as "drugs on a hanger."

"It's exceeded our expectations," says Stu Isaac, a senior VP for sales and marketing at Speedo. Some have suggested that the corset-like fit of the LZR suit not only streamlines the body but also engages the central nervous system in ways that previous suits did not. Others say privately that this new wave of swimwear is enhancing a swimmer's buoyancy to a degree that could be considered performance-enhancing.

"I think people are feeling panicked," says Kicker Vencill, who has qualified for the trials in the 50 and 100 freestyles but does not have a swimwear sponsor. "I've heard people say they're willing to break their contracts with other companies to wear the Speedo suit."

I've written this before in regards to laser eye surgery versus steroids, but honestly... better gear has the same effects on the veracity and integrity of sports records as steroids and HGH and anything else that comes to mind as a Great Satan.

And yes, I know, drugs are bad and addictive and have side effects and hurt children. And if they didn't, which they eventually won't because there's too much money in the pharmaceutical industry to not fix the problems? Would it be all OK then to watch the best players of that generation own the records, because life is just easier for them?

The whole thing reminds me of the fact that IQ test scores keep rising, year after year. As a species, of course, we are not getting that much smarter... but we are getting better at taking IQ tests. Athletes aren't, for the most part, getting better -- but they are getting better at breaking records.

Epic Drop: Top 10 Threats to the Sports Blogosphere

It's the end of the Internet as we know it... and your Epic drop is over here (and feels fine). Get on in, the end of the world's fine!

Pot Meets Kettle

The most remarkable thing about this, really, is what took him so long. Ladies and gentlemen, Pete Rose on the Mitchell Report.

"I never thought anybody would make me look like an altar boy... I've been suspended 18 years for betting on my own team to win. I was wrong ... but these guys today, if the allegations are true, they're making a mockery of the game."

I never thought I'd say this, but I agree with Pete Rose completely.

And with that, I'm off to bed, because on the day that the world ends, you really should greet it with a good night's sleep.

Epic Drop: Top 10 Signs That Pats-Colts Is Triggering The End Of Days

Your very climactic list is here... and if you get all of the references involved in the various apocalypses (apocalypi? sounds tasty, especially with a good cup of coffee), congratulations. You are as big of a nerd as I am, which makes you a very, very big nerd indeed. (My favorite End Times sign is this... which, believe it or not, some fundie freaks are trying to push along by paying for genetic research, because we all clearly need to hurry things along, rather than wait for some pokey old supreme deity do get his act in gear. I kind of feel the same way about an Eagles championship, myself.)

Our Flabber Is Officially Gasted

Actual Star Wars message thread based on something we wrote. The Internets is a strange place.

And to answer the inevitable commenter question, no, I didn't write anything at the link. (You're just lucky I'm not whipping out the Jar Jar.)

Greetings, Wall Street Journal Readers

Today, FTT continued its long ascent to Ruling Antarctica by getting linked and mentioned in the Wall Street Journal. (No, seriously.)

We'd like to welcome our WSJ visitors by pointing out some features that Readers Like You tend to enjoy.

> The Journal piece that you were reading encouraged going to different baseball stadiums. Enjoy our ongoing series of visits to places that you can't go to anymore, Crap Holes We Have Known. It's filled with juicy travel tidbits that you just can't find anywhere else!

> Seeing how the WSJ demographic tends toward NYC readers, you might also enjoy our series of Yankees posts almost as much as we've enjoyed the 2007 season. Dig in!

> Finally, since we have first-hand knowledge of what white-color types like you really want, and will spend up to $20 for in a restroom, there's this. Read it until you go blind!

Now, who wants to give us some venture capital?

Bunt Into The Light

http://www.trentonthunder.com/release/zRelease.asp?pYYYYMMDD=20070507#20070507

For non-clickers -- the Trenton Thunder, the Yankees AA team, are hosting a “Connection Beyond ™ Gallery Event” -- which is to say, a chance for people to come to the ballpark and communicate with the dead. It's only $48.50 a pop!

And to think, the parent team sent Kei Igawa to Tampa...

Top 10 Reasons Why Jesus Forsake Tiger Woods

(Ed. Note for non-golf fans: Unheralded PGA pro Zach Johnson won the Masters this weekend, holding off Tiger Woods and Retief Goosen for his first win in a major. Afterwards, a very emotional Johnson gave the credit to Jesus, seeing how it was Easter and all, and the Son of God clearly had nothing better to concern Himself with than who would win a golf tournament. Later on, he compared Woods to a giant, which would have to be Goliath, one would think.)

10. Earl Woods is constantly dropping by his cloud, unannounced

9. Starting to get a little bit jealous of all the attention

8. Knows that Tiger doesn't really drive a Buick, and lies make Him cry, especially in late December

7. Feels Tiger is getting a little too comfortable in Dubai

6. Two words: Nicklaus Praying

5. Little-known fact: Zach Johnson has leprosy, and He could never say no to a leper

4. Just didn't have his "A" Blessing today

3. Wanted Tiger to win, but as anyone who has ever played golf knows, the putter is Satan's club

2. Had to do something to shut Johnny Hart up (http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20070409/ap_en_ot/obit_hart)

1. Warming up with minor miracles before August 2nd (last paragraph, http://www.theonion.com/content/news/christ_getting_in_shape_for_second)